Life's Updates.....

Let me do a quick recap on life's changes over the past several months....

So I clearly should be divorced by now....but I'm not. I actually should have been finally divorced back in September, but something happened. I had a husband that told me he would do "whatever he had to do" to make it work. I figured I hadn't done all I could to make it work either, so why not......

Well, let me tell you why not. For starters, he moved back in....that lasted all of 2 months, which brings us to the point we're at now. Three weeks before the divorce was going to be final, I called the law office and told them to hold off. The lady kindly told me I had 365 days to go on with the proceedings before the case would be thrown out. After he got back, things were fine for a spell, and then I started having flashbacks.....I know, I know.....I shouldn't dwell on the past. Well, guess what?!!?! I wasn't. The reason I was having flashbacks is because I was seeing the same behaviors in him that I saw a year ago, which had us at that point in the first place.

Now I know people don't change overnight. I really do know that. But for me, it was about knowing someone had the desire to change. He didn't. Not for himself anyway. And what good was it going to do him to make adjustments strictly for me. That never works. It would be like me having a problem with a fat person, and them only wanting to lose weight to satisfy me. I'd rather not have that kind of pressure on somebody.

I get that no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean don't strive to be better. And if you don't feel like there's room for improvement, nor do you have the desire to make any, what's the point?

I just decided that I wouldn't wait another year for him to show me the same person I've already seen......and I hate when people say "I'll do whatever it takes", when clearly there should be some kind of clause....like say, "I'll do whatever it takes, except"....................

Ugh.

Stroke Mine!!

Okay, so I have a problem. I have taken many classes throughout the years. Many. And while I don't profess to remember every.single.thing from those classes, I have a little knowledge. I mean hey, I still remember that song, Fifty Nifty United States , and I learned that way back when. I'm just saying.....

Even in life's lessons, some things have not come easy for me. One class in particular that I was not fortunate enough to take was Ego Strokin 101. And while in previous years, I have stroked an ego or two, I realized later that it really wasn't worth my effort. It only made for overconfident men (boys) who were not in touch with reality. Simply put, those bamas just run out. And yes, I did say "bamas". I hear the older women around me say things like, "Girl, you know men need their egos stroked!" Well, you know what? I need my damn ego stroked too. If I allow myself to "stroke an ego" that clearly is not deserving of any stroking, that could easily be a recipe for disaster.

Now while I don't think it's okay to bruise one's ego, I'm all about being for real. I can't allow myself to lie or pretend, just so a grown man can feel good about himself. Who woulda ever thought men could be so sensitive and needy. So clearly I need some help.....because one day I'm sure I'll be in another relationship.....and maybe it won't be so hard. That's if the guy is doing something worthy of the strokin......

Another Friday Night....

At home alone. Well, not alone for real. My little sidekick is here with me, but she's asleep. AND I can't talk noise with her so....

It's been fifty leven years since my last real entry, so let me just explain why. Kind of. A couple of months ago, I ended up telling my soon to be ex about my blog. Not on purpose though. My email associated with this blog was up, blah, blah, blah...Well, that somewhat took away from the whole "me" in my anonymous blog. And even though I didn't direct him to the page, and he didn't actually see the page, it still took away from it. When I originally started this blog, it was supposed to be my thing. The things that I want to blog about, or the things that I have blogged about in the past aren't necessarily things he would want to know about. And that's another reason why I was doing it. MY outlet. Ya know?

It's been an interesting few months for the fam... I guess those escapades deserve entries of their own.............

Too Long!

It's been entirely too long since I've blogged. Like seriously. I'm back though. Not literally right this minute, but really soon. Lots of updates!

Straight Up

Okay, I'm watching the last 30 minutes of Big Brother that I tivo'd earlier, so I figure I can do one more entry.
I just spent like almost 2 hours on the phone talking to Casper. Y'all remember him, right? The dude with all the skeletons in his closet? Well, anyway, other than his big cemetery he has in his closet, he's actually a pretty decent guy. And by no means does that "other than" mean he's a potential for me. He's so not. We have a nice relationship, especially since he doesn't know I know about his other life. And it's not important. Hey, no judgement.
So anyway, we're talking. Having a really nice conversation, and I start thinking. What kind of person am I? Really? What is it that I desire in a guy? Don't know.
What I did conclude is that I desire honesty. Even if it means I have to hear, from the horse's mouth, that I'm "not it anymore" or that he thinks about banging his coworker every Tuesday when she wears the red dress....whatever, I want to know.
It is true that everyone can't handle the truth, but for whatever reason, I feel like I can. And when I say "handle", I simply mean that my skin is tough enough that I won't completely come out of a bag on a jigga. Why can't guys be straight up? What is it with telling people what they think they want to hear? I'd much rather a guy "hurt" me with the truth versus lie to me and I find out later. Such as life though, right?
I have found, in my twenty something years of living, that the only way a guy will be honest with you, is if you're in his "homie" category. At least first. Then there's always that chance that the lies start after certain lines are crossed.
And I'm so sure that I don't want a romantic relationship with this one guy that I know is as honest with me as he knows how to be. That's a whole different story. He has issues that I'd rather not be a part of. Honesty and all, I'll pass on that.
Guess it's my bedtime now, but man, where are the honest fellas?!

Dying Over Here.....

laughing at my friend...Okay, you know what, it's not funny. It's crazy. And what's even crazier is that I said nothing. Absolutely nothing....let me just fill you in on the funniness....
Okay, so I talk to my friend tonight, and she's ranting and raving about this guy that she decided wasn't worth her time. Okay, that's fine. I'm letting her rant...AND rave. So apparently she said something to him that really ruffled his feathers. I'm thinking he told her to "lose his number" or something.
Why? Why? Why did this girl say "Girl, and then he spelled lose wrong. He spelled it l-o-s-e. I was like WRONG, it's l-o-o-s-e!"
I couldn't. I really couldn't muster up the nerve to tell her that it was she, indeed, that didn't really know how to spell. I just decided I'd pretend I wasn't really paying attention. I think I'll tell her one day. Maybe.

My Flaws...

What flaws? I'm pretty sure I'm flawfree. Okay, not really, but going through this whole divorce process has forced me to look at the "man in the mirror" (R.I.P. MJ). LOL!! Seriously though, I have done a little bit of self reflecting and honestly, I'm drawing a blank. Besides the fact that I'm always right, potentially selfish, NOT domestic, stubborn, and just an outright asshole, I couldn't find anything wrong.

I had no idea this divorce would be so emotionally draining on me. And most of it comes from someone else's emotions. I remember feeling relieved once I had left the lawyer's office...now, not so much. "I'll do whatever I need to" is what I was told a few days ago. What exactly does that mean? As if he could possibly be someone other than who he is.....boy, if it were only that simple. I love the way he thinks everything is going to magically be better. Like now all of a sudden the things he was unhappy about won't matter anymore. Sure they won't. I bet they wouldn't matter for at least 4 or 5 months. Hell, maybe even like 8 months. Who knows? I don't. What I do know is the issues that we have had in the past won't just go away.

Some days my head hurts just from reading a text that he sends. And a whole live conversation? Man, talk about frustrating. I've always felt like I had communication skills....well, I'm still convinced that when I speak, some people hear Latin or maybe French. I mean, maybe I am actually saying something that I don't know I'm saying, but for some reason I doubt it. Ugh....I don't know. I'll just be glad when it's over.

Marrying the Mob

My cousin "Tina" called me the other day to get some reception ideas. Yep, she has decided to go ahead and marry "Ike". He's going to make an honest woman out of her. I wasn't sure if I should congratulate her or not, so I didn't. I simply gave her a suggestion and that was that. After all, who am I to question why she would want to marry someone that kicks her ass every couple of years? Maybe their relationship is bigger than that. I bet those beatings are so few and far between that she doesn't even think about them until I call her Rihanna. Yea, it's not like I scored a "pass" in Marriage 101. It's strange though, because I got an "A" in Marriage and the Family. My teacher was pret-ty impressed with me. Hmmm.....

I've not ever had to deal with domestic abuse, but I'm pretty sure I heard it gets worse after marriage. And maybe she thinks that since she's been shacked up with him for that past couple of years playing house that it's the same. I have got to figure out how to approach this so I have no guilty feelings when he beats her to sleep again can say I "did my part". On the flip side, is it really my business? Of course it is, she's my little cousin. I love her dearly. She's kind of like the little sister I would have disowned never had. I'll just mention it again....ask her if she's okay being married to someone who could potentially abuse her on a daily basis. She's a dumbass tough girl, I'm sure she'll say she's fine with it. Man I hope his "Chris Brown" spells don't become a regular thing. That domestic violence thing is nothing to take lightly. Man I would hate for something to happen to her.......

My Life

is just that. It's life. I can't complain, although at times I feel like it. Going through this whole divorce thing hasn't been as bad as I thought. I guess some days are a little worse than others. I think it would be much easier to deal with if me and the "ex" weren't still banging randomly were on the same page...as far as preparing for our lives independently.

I don't think I'll ever understand why people sometimes don't get the urge to get on the good foot until it's basically too late. For months and months prior to our separation, I feel like I tried. No, I didn't give it "my all", but I pretended to tried. And speaking of "giving it your all", why do people advise that? "You fight until you can't fight no more." "Give it all you got before you throw the towel in." What the hell kind of advice is that? What's left for me if I "fight until I can't fight no more"? I'm not Einstein or anything, but that sounds like it would leave me drained and bitter. I would much rather fight right up to the round that borders enemy ground. That way I can say that I gave it all I could before I ended up hating him. Yea, I like that much better.

I'm not sure how much longer until everything is final, but I really can't wait for that phone call. One of my friends suggested that I have a "divorce" party. Sounds like a plan to me. I just don't want the ex to get wind of it and show up shooting and get the wrong idea. I can see how that has the potential to be hurtful. As cold and heartless as he claims I am, he would probably expect it. I tried to explain to him that I care, I just deal with things differently. No since in crying over spilled milk, right? That's what I say. Hell, I cried enough during the marriage. I'm pretty much all cried out. I think. Wait, I did pretend to have a semi breakdown the other day. I do get sad that I pretty much sucked at staying married, despite the mental promise I made to our child. I'm pretty sure she'll wonder how we ended up together in the first place understand when she gets older.

Anywhoo, just had to do a little entry for general purposes. My life is probably about to get interesting though. I'm definitely excited to see who's what's in store!

Dear Sahel,

I have no words....................



I hope you're happy now. Surely the afterlife is not nearly as bad as paying two car notes and being heartbroken. Hold up though, how the hell you let somebody co-sign for a vehicle you can't afford? And please tell me you weren't banging a millionaire for shits and giggles. For real? All you got were a few trips and a truck note?



You rock.

Dear Steve,

I can't say that I have a whole lot for you right now. Although I know you aren't physically able to be of any comfort to your wife, your boys, your mom, or your brothers right now, I know you're sorry.

I realize that if you had known that the young lady you decided to acquaint yourself with had homicidal/suicidal tendencies, you probably would have gone for one of her coworkers. I won't chastise you about any of the events that took place b/c if you've heard it once, you've heard it a million times.

If we could turn back the hands of time huh? I'm sure you were a good guy Steve. Seriously. I just hate that you never grew out of some of your other ways. Although I don't know the circumstances of your relationship with Mechelle, I do know that it couldn't have been that bad. Not "death" bad. I also don't believe that your "friend" was worth your life.

I remember watching you play at Alcorn back in maybe '93. I remember singing that song "Hand Him the Heisman" and really wanting them to "hand it to you". That last game I saw you play in was good. I can't remember if y'all were playing JSU or not, but you did your thing. I remember seeing Mechelle that day, all dressed up in her Golden Girl attire. She was even more beautiful back then. If she could have forseen the future, I wonder if she would have taken the same road with a different approach.

I have no idea where your head was when you passed over, but I sure hope that you woke up at the pearly gates. Actually, I hope they let you in. None of us are perfect, I know that. Sometimes other people get to work on their flaws, or maybe some of us grow out of our immature ways, you just didn't have that chance.

If I could have chosen a way for you to go, you would have died alone. If you just had to die. I mean, we all know about your drinking problem. Being in an accident because you were driving drunk would have been a much better look. But none of us really get to choose the way we go. Well, your little friend did, but sane people don't take that route so she doesn't count.

We'll miss you man. I hope wherever you are, you are at peace.

Yours truly,

~me

Dear Mechelle,

The last time I saw you was several years ago...you, your mom, and the baby were out eating. I spoke briefly and walked away thinking y'all "had it made". Boy, that had to be at least 5 or 6 years ago......

I'm writing you this letter because although I haven't seen you in that long, I've thought of you every single day since the 4th. My heart hurts for you and those babies. Although I haven't physically shed a "wet" tear, my heart has indeed been crying.

I can't imagine what emotions you must be feeling, and honestly I can't say that I'd want to. I am so sorry that things have ended this way. In normal situations, we (women) at least have the opportunity to confront our spouses about their indiscretions. We can at least beat their asses until they wished they were gone....we can choose to say "enough is enough" and divorce them, then watch them suffer as we "clean them out". You don't have that chance. You weren't given the satisfaction of kicking Steve's ass one more time, or even that broad's ass for that matter. And don't get me wrong, I know that's not your thing, but still. They say that the ones who hurt you are (sometimes) the ones that make you feel better......well? I'm not sure how this goes.....

Everyone from the "hometown" knows what kinda man Steve was. We all know all the good he did for the community, but we also know somebody, who knows somebody that Steve "tried to talk to" or that Steve "was fuckin". Still, that wasn't the first thing that came to mind when someone said his name. But now, now it's a different story.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you all had, but I just imagine you were too preoccupied doing other things rather than exert energy trying to keep up with the women that Steve entertained when he wasn't home. I don't know how that works. I, myself am a big time snooper, but hey, whatever works for you.

I don't see you publicly speaking about this ever, seeing as though you were never the kind of NFL wife that liked the spotlight. Surely you don't want it now. How ironic, huh? People were googling you like crazy last week. Hopefully this will all die down soon and you'll be able to have your life back to yourself. Take care. Kiss your mama for me, she was always one of my favs....

Sincerest regards,

~me

USHER!!!!!!

Wait for me dog! Yea, that's right. I'm right behind you!! LOL!!!

I finally got my "dee" paperwork done. Signatures and everything, and it's going down. Now all I do is wait. I'm not sure how long the process is going to take, but I do know that it has been much better on me now that the ball is rolling.

Mentally I've been going through it the past month or so. I have finally decided to look at things for what they are. That helped me make the final decision. I tried to cry a few nights ago. Unsuccessful. Maybe later. Or maybe not. No biggie. I just feel like I'm supposed to be sad. And truthfully, there is something very sad about this situation, but for the sake of my sanity, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not really sure now what I have in store, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure I make my mom really proud. After all, if it were up to her, I'd stay married forever, in spite of the bull I have to deal with. No, and thank you! It will be fine. At least if I ever get back into the dating scene I'll be able to share fun stories with you all. I'm pretty sure it won't be any time soon. Maybe like 16 years from now, when my child is out of the house. Until then, it shall be me and mini-me!

Staying Power Revisited

"A lot of marriages with that 'staying power' can boast 30+ years of marriage, etc....but at what cost." - Saved Girl

OMG!!!! That is sooooooooooooo true. Like, really. My grandparents were married well over 5o years. 12 kids, 11 together, 1 outside kid (per grandmother), atleast 2 outside kids (per granddad), many nights of my grandfather being "out in the street" doing his thing, grandma trying to prove that she's still "got it" with the other man.....the list goes on. Staying power. Remember?

I love my mother....to bits and pieces.....but I'm not kidding, she sure knows how to not make sense sometimes. And you wouldn't believe that my mom is a smart woman. Three degrees and all, she says some dumb ish sometimes.

I remember when me and the hub first separated. My mom gave me this long spill about how she stayed with my dad and gave it her all until she couldn't do it anymore. WTH!? I'm sure she couldn't do it. Hell, he had permanently jacked up her finger, blacked her eyes, and there was the mistress my mom almost ended up boxing in the store.

Why on earth would anyone encourage someone to be disrepected until they just can't handle it anymore? Why? I'm so sorry. I'm over it. Yea, I'm not really in the mood for being without "me" after a decade of being dogged out. And I refuse to believe that all those ppl stayed in those marriages strictly b/c of the bible. Yes, I know what the bible says. I know. I get it. However, do I believe that my grandmother would have stayed with my granddad if she were able to support 12 children on her own? If she didn't need him to drive her around? I doubt it. Folks are always quick to talk about the bible being the reason to stay married, but I still feel like people have their own agenda. Maybe not ALL of the people, but I do feel like majority do.

And I'm talking about when it's bad, not when there is a healthy relationship. Whether it's financial reasons, stability reasons, status reasons, the need for a "family" reasons, deep down I don't think the promise to God tops the list of "why they stay".

I know I'm rambling again. And it's clearly my bedtime so I'll just say this. I'd rather be married for 4 good years and divorced, than be married for 40 + years of some good, mostly bad. I just can't.

Going to bed now........

Sleepy Thoughts

I should be in bed right now, but I'm obviously not...for whatever reason. Probably because I'm determined to "workout" a little everyday and it just so happens the munchkin didn't fall asleep as early as she could have.

Anywhoo, I was speaking with a coworker this morning about men. In general. Actually, she told me about the hell her ex-husband had put her through prior to their divorce. I told her NOTHING about the semi-hell my soon to be ex has put me through. I didn't see it necessary.

I'm having a hard time understanding this whole "man" thing. And honestly, I can't say that it is my lifelong goal to figure it out. I'm sure I'd die trying. I'm not one to jump on the "all men are dogs" bandwagon, but many of the ones I know are. Doesn't mean anything though. Right? I don't know ALL men. I do know a good number though....

Although I can hesitantly admit that I do still have scar tissue from my previous long term relationship (before the marriage), I can also admit that I didn't enter any new relationship expecting the worse. Everyone gets a fair shot. Kinda like this class I took in college. "Everyone will start out with a 100% grade avg. in this class." That's what the professor said on day 1. I remember getting so excited when he said that. I don't know why, but it just sounded good. Then the professor went on to say that it was up to us to maintain our 100%. Made perfect sense to me....

Well, I always give anyone I'm dealing with 100% from the beginning. Regardless of what the odds are, I'm always hopeful. Well, so far, no good. No one has been able to maintain that "passing grade". Did I say I remained at 100%? Nah. Surely not. But you know how teachers always give you break downs of which tests weigh the most. I'm pretty sure I did good where it counted. Oh well.......maybe the next guy will prove my "not all guys are dogs" theory right. I'm still hopeful.......

Staying Power

Well....

I was talking to my aunt today. I guess somewhere along the way, either she heard through the grapevine, or she noticed my empty ring finger. However it went, she's figured out my marriage is on the edge....of like the nastiest cliff ever. Anyway, she made the statement to me "Y'all young girls don't put up with bullshit. See, women like me and your momma, we inherited staying power."

Well damn. Staying power, huh? Nope. Don't got it. Don't want it. My mother was married to my father for maybe 12 or 13 years. I can't remember exactly how long. What I do remember though, are the black eyes, the arguing, oh, and that child my dad made with his mistress during those years. And trust me when I say none of those things mentioned happened during the last year of their marriage.

Is that what staying power is? The power to stay with a man who makes it a habit to be disrespectful to you and your relationship with him? The ability to put up with bullshit? I don't want it. Seriously. There are soooooo many things I learned from my mom. Things which I am grateful for. However, there are some things that I wouldn't dare wish I'd inherited. That thing called "staying power" is one of them. Screw that!

Decisions, decisions.

Just for the sake of keeping you guys updated with me and all my drama.....



Okay, the hub and I are still pretty much in limbo. It's funny to me how getting "caught up" makes someone want to "do right". Why is that? I don't get it. I was trying to do the right thing and make an attempt to save this thing called marriage. Well, today I'm not so sure about it. I say this because I remember the time leading up to our "supposed" separation. I had been fasting and praying, and fasting and praying. I remember the night before, I asked God what in the world was I supposed to do? I asked, "What's the problem here?". Well, that very next morning, I feel like I got my answer. I feel like I was shown clearly, the kind of person I married and the things he's capable of doing. So it's like I've been given the information, and what I decide to do with it is on me.



I was driving home today thinking, I should let it go. After all, I got my answer. I don't know if this is one of those "neither one of us wants to say goodbye" type deals or not, but either way, it's getting old.....



Decisions, decisions. Ugh.

Piss

or get off the pot. That's what I need to do. That's what "we" need to do. Of course me and the hub have been going through for months now. As sure as I was about everything, just months ago, there's obviously something in me that's not. Not yet. I was told by one of my friends that once I "get the ball rollin" it would be okay. Well, just as soon as I can put the ball on the ground, I guess all will be well.

In an attempt to not throw in the towel without at least "trying", I told the hub about the issues I had with everything. Hell, I even told him to tell me what he wasn't pleased with in my department. Well, some things can be "worked" on. Some things, I guess not. So with all that, I get to make a decision huh? I thought so. Still not as easy as I had hoped. And it pretty much sucks to be honest.

Saved Girl tagged me. Hey girl!!!!

The rules are: (1)use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.(2)they have to be real....nothing made up! if the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers.(3)you cannot use any word twice and you cant use your name for the boy/girl question.(4)dont google youranswers.(5)make it as interesting and fun as you can.



1. What is your name: Missy? (for blog purposes I'll go with that)
2. A four letter word: make
3. A boy's name: Mike
4. A girl's name: Mary
5. An occupation: maid
6. A color: magenta
7. Something you'll wear: moo moo?
8. A food: mashed potatoes
9. Something found in the bathroom: musk? (not really.Lol)
10. A place: Maryland
11. A reason for being late: mess
12. Something you'd shout: "MAMAAAA"
13. A movie title: Mac and Me
14. Something you'd drink: Minute Maid Orange
15. A musical group: Men at Large
16. An animal: monkey
17. A street name: Manhattan Blvd
18. A type of car: Mercedes Benz SL 500 (one of my favs)
19. The title of a song: Me and My Girlfriend (the one Pac did)



I have no one to tag. I've been out of blogworld too long to come back tagging ppl!!

Life....

is just that. Life. Lately I've been busy. Thinking and such. I should really be back to blogging soon.....with updates. Lots of updates. Maybe not "lots", but a few.

Perjury

Yep, it was kind of like perjury. Or at least that's what it feels like. I'm talking about the lies my husband told me over a month ago. I've been sitting here thinking, trying to reason with myself. Trying to figure out if I expect too much from someone.....I've come to the conclusion that I don't.

Thinking back to that Saturday...I asked my husband all the questions that popped into my mind. I left no room for him to "lie by omission". I made sure I was very specific in my words so there would no stone left unturned. And he lied.
Now I'm not a perfect human being. I realize no one is. I have never expected him to be perfect. I wouldn't expect anyone to be perfect. However, I do expect honesty. Surely that's not asking too much. And this wasn't even a situation where I would expect him to just confess something to me out of the blue. This is me, asking very specific questions, about very specific things and expecting a truthful answer. Didn't happen.

I don't care much for liars. And I won't say that I'm not guilty of lying. I have lied. And I'm sure I will lie again. But not when it counts. I know I may sound crazy, but my husband messed up with me because he lied when it mattered. It wouldn't have been so bad if he lied about the cost of a shirt....or lied about taking out all the trash. But lying about outside relationships? That pretty much is a big deal.

I thought about Lil Kim. She lied....and it cost her a prison sentence. I know she had some kind of "hood code" and whatnot that she goes by. But I wonder if she would tell the same lie, and serve time to honor the code. I don't know about her, but I bet if my husband had to do it over, he would have been a little more honest. And maybe not even completely (whatever that is), but I believe the conversation would have gone a little differently.

It would have been my wish for him to be honest about the way he was feeling, outside people and all, so that we could handle the situation like married adults. I would have listened. I would not have yelled, cussed, or put him out. I would have wanted us to decide right then and there what we thought was best.....but, he decided to lie....at the wrong time.....

He claims he has regrets. Well, so do I. However, I can't undo what he has done. No, the fact that he and I were already having problems is not his fault. But the fact that he chose to top it off the way he did....well, yea, that's his fault. The fact that I don't believe much that comes out of his mouth...his fault. The fact that if there was an ounce of anything left in our marriage, it's gone, yea, his fault.

I think it's so funny how people do things in the moment, then want everything to magically be better. I wish it worked that way, but clearly it does not. You don't get to hurt people, play with them when you get ready, and then think that a tear, a pout, or an "I'm sorry" is going to fix it. Not here anyway. I'm over it.

I wouldn't dare try and speak on the character of every single man in the world, but I can say this, if I have to be with a liar or cheater in order to be with someone, I'll pass. If I've never known my worth before, I sure know it now.

Men and Earrings

Anybody have an age limit for men and earrings? Is it just me or should they let them go at some point? I saw a very attractive guy last week. Well, he was attractive until I saw that earring sitting in his ear looking like the early 90s.....

1st of the Month

Well, I know I've been MIA. Not because I want to be, but because I've been sleeping. No, not the depressed sleep, the "working too much" sleep.

Just wanted to give a little "life" update. My husband and I have been having a blast. We're not really talking about reconciliation. Speaking for myself only, my goal was to get to a point of being cordial to him. I've never wanted to be the "crazy baby mama", so I figured we may as well still be able to be civil, or even nice to each other. The bad part about this is being nice can be confused with "I want to be with you". Depending on who's involved.

Fortunately, I'm the one that can separate reality from the false hope. Him, not so much. I've been much better. I'm not really harboring hateful feelings. Even though, yes, I admit that if I think about things for too long, I get angry for like 7 seconds.

I still haven't made any kind of announcement to the family yet. I would prefer to announce this like I announced my pregnancy. Kind of out of the blue and not very believable. We'll see. I'm trying to get my little cousin to help me come up with the speech. And good Lord, I don't want to hear what my grandma is going to have to say about this. I just have to make sure I don't paint him out to be some monster. I don't want my relatives giving him the "stink" face when he comes around.

He says he's going to move out on the 1st. Don't ask me why. I have NO clue. And actually, I did let him come back. Because I felt sorry for him, you know, putting him out abruptly with nowhere to go. He hasn't moved his clothes back in, which is okay. Him staying is only supposed to be temporary anyway. And I haven't been pressuring him to leave. It's his choice to leave on the first. So his mind isn't clouded with thoughts of whether we'll get back together or not. *you would think I've been speaking Japanese or something* Now whether he's going to be out in a couple of days or not is the BIG question. We'll see.....

I'm Not In Jail

although I could have very well been there a few days ago. The past couple of days have been okay. I'm calm now. I'm not picking up furniture and threatening to haul it across the room at the hubby's head. The only thing I'm battling at the moment is keeping this cold at bay.

I'm almost over this now....not in a "I forgive him, let's move on with life" kinda way, just a "I'm too blessed to be stressed" type of way. Lol. Let's go back a few days or so...

So, Monday, when I got home, all of his stuff was out like I demanded. All he really had to get were clothes. I would have double dog dared him to remove any type of furniture out of this place. It was rough though. I can't lie. It was mad akward Tuesday morning when he showed up to take the angel to her MiMi's....

Since then, we have been talking about where this thing is headed. As if it's not a given. Why does it take someone getting caught up for them to put on their "happy" face. Don't put your best foot forward now. You should have been doing that a little while ago. Yep, now I see that look of genuine love in his eyes when he looks at me. I'm sure. It didn't feel so hot sleeping on a random piece of furniture Monday night, huh? Yea, I have let him crash at the house since then because I felt sorry for him. And yea, I know, he didn't feel sorry for me when he was being untrustworthy......so these sleeping arrangements don't change anything.

It's my goal that he and I can come to a really great understanding, then we can let it go. If we can get over this hump, I think it will be better for us as parents for little mama. I don't wish to hate my child's father. As a matter of fact, I would love to have a great deal of love and respect for him. Obviously that won't happen with Monday's turn of events playing in my head. So yea, we have to get over that.

It's funny because I'm really not mad anymore. Yea, it happened AND it sucks! But, just like a week or two ago, I was begging for something to happen so I would know what it is I should be doing. I wanted the crap to "hit the fan". It did. Can we move on to the next chapter now please?

If You Go Looking.....

If you look for something, you're going to find it. Really? I'm going to find something that I shouldn't find just because I looked for it? I doubt it. I've never really agreed with that saying. Mainly because I've been known to snoop a time or two. I don't make it a practice now, but back in the day? Baaaabaaay....I was the private eye of the South.

I honestly feel like if there's nothing to be found, then that's that. You find nothing.........

The above text was written Saturday when I felt like blogging, but I never got a chance to finish the entry....well, the irony of this post's continuation is crazy. And to finish what I was saying above, I feel like if I look in your closet and find no skeletons, its because you have none. If someone decides to dig up dirt on me, if they find dirt, it's because I have it. Not just because they looked.....

Fast forward to this morning...
On a normal weekday morning, the hub gets up before me and the baby. After his shower, she's normally awake, and he feeds her breakfast. Well, this morning while they were downstairs, I noticed his cellular sitting on the bedside table, basically begging me to take a peek. Seriously, like Blue's Clues, glowing and all, begging to be looked at.....

I couldn't deny that little cheap phone. I just couldn't. I looked through the call history and saw nothing that meant anything to me. Just normal phone calls. Next stop, text messages. Inbox first. I came across this red flag of a message first: Well go fuck then. That message was from his homeboy. Immediately, my heart started racing and I could feel the rage waking up just in case I needed it. Then I saw a message that said something about washing his ass. Both of these messages from his homeboy. I had to go to the sent messages to get both sides of the conversation.....Sent messages. RED DAMN FLAG MESSAGE: I'm trying to get some ass. Next message reads: I might smell like badussy when I get there.

Baaaabaaaaay....rage woke up. I thought I was going to break my neck getting down those stairs. Long story short, he should be gone by the time I get home......
Things are somewhat of a blur to me right now. I remember me doing a lot of yelling and cussing like I was in the street. I remember not going upside his head because my child was standing there....all she wanted was her oatmeal and apples.....she saved her dad's ass this morning. Really. She did. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my temper is bad at times. When angry enough, I don't remember that I'm not as strong as a man. And I don't care.

There was a lot of pacing back and forth. My fists have been balled up almost all morning. I really wanted to physically hurt him this morning...but I didn't. I told him to go. Right then. Then I remembered that I hadn't gotten up early enough to get my baby to her MiMi's house and still be on time for work....so I told him to feed her, take her to the sitter, then come back and pack up.....

Yea, I got an explanation about the girl he was going to go screw. Not that it matters....not that I believe anything he tells me about the situation. Of course he claims it didn't happen. Well, it should have. Remember I worked that night. All night. I don't know what happened. I don't care. I don't have time......so yea, this was my confirmation.

I rattled my brain all yesterday and last night trying to figure it out.....
I'm not blaming his alleged "2 month, never been physical, but definitely flirtacious and in my opinion obviously emotional" relationship on the demise of ours. No, I'm not doing that. He and I were wrong from the start. I realize that. What pisses me off more than anything is the fact that I have given him opportunity after opportunity to be for real. I asked him, specifically, if he was attracted to anyone else. Saturday, it was "no". Monday morning, it's "I told you I had an attraction to someone else".

Nigga please. My memory isn't as good as it used to be, but I wouldn't forget that. I really hate the fact that my last impression of him is him "trying to get some ass" from some girl he met at the club. Seriously.....like, in the middle of my rage, I asked him if she lived alone. He said no....
I'm like, you dumb ass nigga, so you can't even go stay with her.......

She doesn't do anything. I'm not surprised. That's why he and I can't, and wouldn't work. I'm a different breed from what he likes.....

So yea, whether he got ass Saturday or not...who cares at this point? I know what I was doing Saturday night....working the last 12 hours of 115. I don't have time. So basically, our relationship went from "possibly able to be worked on" to "not a chance" with the touch of a button....

And after him crying and apologizing and probaly feeling like an idiot, I still don't care. You see, when you lack as many things as he lacks, there is no room for that kind of bull. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do before this morning. And he's probably still not sure. That's what I'm here for....the spouse is supposed to be a helpmate, right? Well, I helped him make his decision. No need to hold on to something that isn't there.

And as for that bull about if you look for it, you'll find it? Damn right. I looked, I found, and now I can move on....

Saturdays

must be the worst now. I don't know. It just seems that way. Something about the weekend brings about too much free time. Although I just worked a few hours and I'm going back later tonight, there's still too much time.

Now I'm sitting here, typing through tears, trying to figure out what to do.

Earlier this morning, my hubby and I had another conversation about "us". After he basically forced his mind to want to do me, we had to talk. It was too obvious, as it has been lately. So in this conversation, we're basically examining issues AGAIN and it's the same thing.

Finally, after asking him very specific questions, he tells me his "heart isn't in it". Well, duh. I knew that. I've been knowing that for awhile now. And actually, I could say that I somewhat feel the same way. For some reason, actually hearing those words is a little different from me just thinking them. Nonetheless, it's the way he feels. Pretty much the way I feel. He said "You know how it is when you can't picture yourself without somebody? Well, that's not how it is for me". I could have bet my savings on that too. And again, that's pretty much the way I feel. I don't understand why it's so different coming out. But it is.

Now my eyes burn, my nose is running even more, and I don't know how I'm going to keep my eyes from swelling shut while I sleep...you know, so when I go back to work, I won't have to answer any "what's wrong?" questions. I hate it when ppl ask me that. I digress.

Oh, and did I mention the fact that my head is pounding? Well, my head is pounding. Oh, and my heart hurts. And it's strange. It's not really a "broken heart" hurt, it's just a "big girl making decisions" kind of hurt. Well, wait, maybe my heart is broken. But he didn't break it. Circumstances have broken it. The fact that my little angel is affected by my "big girl decisions" is what really breaks it. The fact that her mommy has made (what looks like) a bad decision or two is what breaks it. Although I still don't know what's going to happen, the thought of what could happen is enough.

Back to this morning. Before today, I told my hub that I really didn't want to do the whole separation thing. I always thought that if we were going to work it out, then we work it out. What's the need for separation? However, after hearing the things he had to say this morn....
What he said, or what I understood him to say, was that his mind tells him that we need to work this out. His heart, however, tells him there's nothing. He doesn't want to follow his heart, divorce, and then wake up and realize he made the biggest mistake of his life. Yea, that would suck for him because I'm not really a fan of "wishy washy" husbands. When it's done, it's done. So yea, I would say that this is a decision that needs to be made carefully.

Anywhoo....that's been the first 5 hours of my day. It has to get better, right? Hope so.
I had to go back to the 80s today!

Why

did I decide to work 2 shifts today? I'll regret this in the morning. I'm pretty sure of it.

Dead Computer

My computer is dead...so that's why I can't post like I want to. Besides the fact that there is absolutely NOThING exciting going on right now.....

The part I need for my computer is out of stock. How convenient. It's hard blogging at work with phones ringing and people talking. Ugh!

For The Record

I know that from my last few posts, I'm probaly painting the picture of some pathetic and miserable wife. I just want you guys to know that I'm okay. =)

Aside from not knowing which direction I'm headed in, I'm fine. I still laugh all day and all that stuff. I'm not in that dark place...just for the record. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like drama, or being in limbo, but it doesn't consume my every thought!!

I still got my mind on my money and my money on my mind!! On another note, anybody watch The Office? That is some funny ish! And Sunday's episode had me crying! Like even the first 3 minutes (or longer) were hilarious!



I hope to have positive updates soon (as far as the married life goes). We'll see.

My Negativity

What a negative Saturday it's become....not for much longer though.....

If it appears that I'm not sounding so optimistic about my relationship, let me tell you why. Months ago, when I could tell we were headed downward, I suggested we get some good Christian counseling. We went to our pastor. Nothing successful happened. Nothing came out during that session that we didn't already know.

I was so gung ho on working on this marriage. All about the vows....well, my husband had more of a "this ain't goin to work" attitude. Eventually I stopped being so optimistic about us. You know how you have hope for something for so long, only for it to be shot down, eventually it doesn't matter. That's how it's been for me anyway. I guess there's been a bit of a role reversal. First I was pushing for it, he wasn't. I stopped pushing, he started. I haven't been able to make myself hop back on the positive bandwagon just yet.

No sex for me. Did I mention this? We have sex about as much as an old married couple, maybe even less. My husband is an emotional creature. It's been obvious that he's not attracted to me like he used to be. And I'm sure it's because of our distance. I've never been with a guy that didn't want to screw...mad or not, they'll take a piece. Well, apparently not all men.

Imagine being rejected by your spouse time and time again. This is probably a separate entry as well. But with all the stressors of our marriage, he hasn't really wanted to have sex. We have done it, but it's definitely not regular. I feel like my mom is having more sex than I am. So of course, I'm going through all these thoughts in my head. I'm like, okay, if you're not screwing me, who are you screwing? Whether he has or not, I'm sure I'll never know. But I do know that I'm not used to be rejected. Not a great feeling, let me tell you. I thought all I had to do was tell him I wanted more, and he would give it to me....well, not really. We do it when he feels like it. I don't plan on having the conversation with him anymore.

Picture the toy you wanted the most growing up. You wanted it for your birthday, didn't get it. You wanted it for Christmas, didn't get it......well, when you finally get the gift, your enthusiasm is zero. Well, that's how sex is with me now. I tried, time after time again, only to be turned down, so now when we do it, I enjoy the moment, but afterwards....its whatever. I don't initiate it anymore, and I could care less if we do it.............on a positive side, he did tell me he's been wanting to do it, but since my period was on we haven't done it. We've had sex once since then, I think it was Wednesay morning. We'll see how that aspect of the relationship changes....

I don't know how to go back to the positive me. I don't know how to get over all the times he told me it wasn't going to work. Or all the times he moved my hand away from him, showing his lack of interest.

I've been in other relationships, none of which were perfect, but we still enjoyed ourselves when things were good. I just found out yesterday, my husband thought we were good b/c we haven't been arguing. I disagreed. Being quiet doesn't mean it's all good. It simply means that one person, or the other is bottling up true feelings. If us making it means someone will be miserable, at the expense of someone else's happiness, I'll pass.

As of right now, we don't have a common place to enjoy each other when we aren't disagreeing. As you can see, not even in the bedroom. Our only joy is our little one. If we can find a common interest, then maybe we'll be okay....

Dear God,
I've been waiting to hear from you. I don't know if you know it or not, but I have a new email address. It's completelymissunderstood@gmail.com. I only want to do the right thing. I know I'm supposed to be patient, but Lord.............this is hard. You gave me common sense, but right now, I'm not trusting my own judgement. Trusting my judgement is what got me into this situation in the first place. Can you please holla at your girl when you get a minute. I'll be checking that email every 5 minutes until I hear from you. Oh, and God, I do want you to know that I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for everything that my husband is, and I want to better understand the things he is not. I want to be the wife I'm supposed to be, but if that means standing outside on the corner, passing out beat cds, I don't really see how that's going to happen. I know that only you know. If he needs me to be that ride or die chick, that's going to hang out with 2 Crucial and nem at the show, Lord, that's not the person I am. I'm not the mother who's going to encourage my little girl to spend excessive amounts of time with her thuglife uncle, or her grandmom and great aunts that don't mind fighting each other. I can't do that Lord. I don't imagine you would want me to. Anywhoo,I'm trusting you to guide me in the right direction.

Love you,
Your baffled child

Greener Grass

Smokie, let me see if I can somewhat answer your question.

A few times during me and the hub's "dating" stage, I left him alone because I thought the grass was greener on the other side....well, not so much. I always kept my options open because I wasn't ready to settle down. I was still in school and had not too long before gotten out of serious relationship.

When I say we were on and off, we really were on and off. When something appeared "greener", I checked on it. I can recall atleast 3 times that I did this to him....I know it wasn't nice, but I was as honest as I could be with him about the way I felt.

I know the grass is not greener on the other side, per se. I realized this with "Casper" and also with the Grampa. There were things that my husband did that no one had ever done for me. Mainly putting me first. I thought that was kinda cool. There was never a night that passed that he didn't make sure I was okay before stopping by. Full of affection...I could look in his eyes and see his genuine love for me.....that was pretty awesome.....

Those were the kinds of things that made me never want to let him go......well, somehow things have changed. Now let me say this....he hasn't really just flipped the script on me, it's just obvious that his feelings have changed. The look in his eyes that I've been seeing remind me more of dislike and less love. Maybe the past few days, he's been trying to get it back, but it's definitely not the same......

I'm A Dime

Or better. This is my opinion. I feel like I'm entitled to it.

In having a conversation with my husband the other day, I told him that I'm a "catch", in my opinion. I told him the things I felt I deserved. He chuckled a little and then told me he felt like he's a "catch" as well. Although I saw nothing humorous in what I said, I stood firm with my statement and left well enough alone.

Well, this morning (like 5 days later), he said to me, "You are a catch.", referring back to the statement I had made days ago. He listed the things that he thought were my attributes, then said he would be a "fool to let me go." Really? So it's that easy. You just get to let me go if you feel like it? Wow. I didn't know that's the way it works.

He's been reminiscing lately, talking about how we "used to be". Trying to figure out how to get that ol' thing back. I wish I had the answer. One thing I know for sure that's happened is the fact that I've grown up over the years. I don't know that he has. The "old" us was me being myself, and him being the person he thought I wanted him to be.

And maybe I did want to mold him into my perfect guy....didn't take much. The "real him" is standing up now though. Tall and proud. If we can't work it together, as individuals, what's the use? Yea, I don't see one either.

And I'm not trying to sound pessimistic....there just comes a time in every relationship where you have to be for real. Lying is not really my thing...especially when it comes to me.

Why Did I Get Married?

In a previous post, I went over the reasons in my head as to why I got married. The most important reason I chose to marry that man is because he was irreplaceable....my, oh my how things change.

After a long game of cat and mouse, he won. I was with him for a little while, decided he wasn't "it', got with another guy who seemed to "fit the bill", only for him to lack the very things my hubby possessed that seemed so important to me at the time. This, in turn, always led me back to the hub. All of the guys I met during our "off" moments instantly got compared to my hub. Each time my door wasn't opened, each time I saw no "out of their way" attempt to make sure I was okay, they were compared to him.

When it came to other things, my husband didn't quite fit the bill, but some things I figured I could help him out with. He didn't have a college degree, but he had college experience. He was not wealthy like the other guys I dated, but he wasn't dead broke either. I never had to reach in my pocket for anything. For a while, I wanted him to have the money of the other guy. I made it a point to insinuate to him, the size of one of the other's houses, in order to let him know what his competition was. My husband's first home purchase was a huge deal for him. I made him feel less than because it wasn't as big as the guy I quit talking to him for. How rude of me right? I know.

He was doing the best he could. But sometimes your best just ain't good enough,right? I haven't figured that out yet. I recognized my husband's flaws, but understood that I have flaws of my own.....so why couldn't this thing work? I thought the good thing about us was the fact that there weren't any secrets. Nobody's flaws were a secret to other person. I thought that was a good thing. That way, there could be no surprises.....hmmmph....

I decided to be with him, and only him after I thought that I had thought it through. We began to talk about marriage and I picked out a few of my favorite rings. The wedding, although we weren't officially engaged, was not going to take place for atleast a year or two. Almost 5 months later, I got pregnant. I knew that laying up with him and my baby, playing "house", was not an option for me. We decided, well "we were going to get married anyway....why not?"...Bad idea.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I disagree. Hindsight has got to be something like 20/10. I see things so clear now it's crazy. I imagine that had I not become pregnant with our beautiful child, we would have had yet another issue to come up that would have showed me (again) that he and I weren't it. But that time never came. We didn't get to know each other well enough. Or maybe not that we didn't know each other, we didn't understand how critical our differences were to the other person.

So now the decision has to be made. Can we get to a point where we are on the same page, or is it a lost cause. Biblically speaking, divorce is wrong. Fine time to bring God into the equation huh?! Lol. If God were involved, we wouldn't have been doing anything to get pregnant in the first place. Such as life though, right.....

The seriously, scary thing is waking up in 10 years and realizing nothing has changed. Still waiting on God to email me and tell me exactly what to do. And I know that it's not going to happen, but it sure would be nice. Lol.

Honestly, I love my husband, and I only want the best for him, but right now it's not looking like I'm it. I know anything can happen, and I want it to, but in the meantime....

I freakin' hate not knowing what the future holds.....with a passion!!!

Crossroads

I have been wanting to blog, and not wanting to blog, for about 4 or 5 days now. Writing really is therapeutic for me...whether its pure foolishness or something juicy. I just like to write. So since I'm in need of some serious therapy, I say it's about time for me to get busy...

I have had a semi-revelation. I've come to the realization that there is a good chance that I'll be living the single life w/child before the year is over. My husband and I have quite an interesting history, one which I'll probably be sharing over time. He really is a great guy, but....yes, there is a "but", not for me....

The problem in this situation does not stem from any particular event, such as infidelity, abuse, or disrespect. The problem here is strictly incompatibility....and yea, there were some things in the beginning, actually, many things in the beginning that should have told me that this was a mismatch. I didn't listen. I guess this is a story that's way too common for a lot of married couples that end up divorced, looks like it's mine too....such as life.

I recognized that my husband and I were different early on...to the point of breaking it off with him, only to get back with him, on more than one occasion. He's night, I'm day. They say opposites attract. I disagree. Not in this case. I never intentionally tried to change the person he was. I simply "did me". In his obviously successful attempt to win me over, he did a lot of things that I chose to do. I don't think he purposely tricked me into thinking he was someone else, I think he was simply whipped and did not think logically about pursuing me the way he did.

Right now, I wouldn't describe my life/marriage as miserable.....I'm just kind of there. I don't hate him. He doesn't hate me. We are just....there. As long as there isn't anything to argue about, we don't argue. I swear, he sees apples. I clearly see oranges. It's that different. I won't take anything from him. He's a great guy......but we just (according to him, and I agree) grew up on different sides of the track. For some, this partnership could work out perfectly. Their opposites may attract. But in this case, the opposites repel! I've always told myself over and over and over again, that I wouldn't fool myself in any relationship. I refuse to live my life miserably, or mediocre for that matter. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work.

I'm hesitant in making quick decisions because I have a little girl to look out for. I have to make sure that every decision I make will be beneficial to her. Never would I stay married to my husband because we have a child.

We've been having these "come to Jesus" conversations, and right now, it's looking like the end of the road. I never pictured myself having to work out weekend visitation or "seeing daddy during spring break" conversations. And I don't see it even going there because he loves our little girl to pieces. She's truly the apple of his eye....

I honestly hope that some miracle will fall from the sky and make it all better, but my right mind tells me it's not going to happen. And I don't plan on spending the next decade miserable and waiting on a miracle.....Ugh. We'll see. And as much therapy as I need, I'm sure I'll be blogging about it.

Bulemia...

I had a bulemic thought a second ago.....

Immediately after scarfing down my footlong over roasted chicken sub, I wondered why I had eaten the entire thing...and I was thinking, if I could just undo what I've just done....but I didn't. I just won't eat anything else tonight, and I'll start fresh tomorrow with meats and veggies.....

Crap!

Facing The Truth pt 2

Okay, so as I was saying.....

Once James and I started college, signs of him being DL didn't come about for awhile. Let me just see if I can list them so this story doesn't have to be a billion posts long....

He grabbed my finger. One time, while I was giving him head, he grabbed my finger and put it in his butt. Yes, in his anal canal. I was like *gasp*. WTH!?! And I mean in an "in and out" fashion. I was flabbergasted. As a matter of fact, that may not even be the word I should use right now....but after that first time, I guess since I didn't dump him once that "dirty" act was over, he figured it was okay. That's what he wanted.....

Chatting on collegeclub. I was really good at snooping through his things (cell phone, email, phone bills, bank accounts, and yes, his collegeclub account). I don't know if anyone remembers collegeclub or not, but it was super hot back in the day ('99-'00). I found my way through his collegeclub chat history and saw that he had chatted with a gay guy. The guy was clearly gay, and although I can't remember the convo verbatim, it was easy for me to read b/w the lines. James never got inappropriate with the guy, but I think the only reason he didn't was because he wasn't sure who it was in front of the other computer. Just entertaining the guy enough for a small conversation was enough for me though...and no, I didn't break up with him then either.

Too Defensive. My freshman year in college, my roommate and I found out that our suitemate's boyfriend had been letting the gay dude on campus give him head. When I told James about my friend's boyfriend, he almost yelled at me, telling me to "STAY OUT OF THEIR BUSINESS!". That wasn't quite the response I was looking for. I thought he'd atleast ask if my friend was handling the newfound news of her boyfriend's sexual preferences okay.

I saw him looking. One weekend, we took a trip out of town with another couple. The guy, who was also his best friend, has a big butt. Like womanly. Picture the guy you know who has a juicy butt and juicy hips like a woman. Okay, we were walking into the mall, and I saw him staring at his friend's butt. So I gave him the "stink" face and asked him what he was looking at. His reply was, "T getting fat". Oh really? You're looking at his butt and thinking he's getting fat? Why does it matter to you? And no, I didn't break up with him after that either. I had my third eye on him though.

No Sex. Yea, did I forget to mention that he could do without sex? From me anyway. He loved getting head. Loved it. Like, I can't tell you how many times my jaws actually got tired from my mouth being open. I thought that was strange.

This last thing that I'm going to mention is not it. These things aren't all that he did, there were several red flags that popped up during our relationship. I wasn't sure how to approach him with my suspicions, especially after he made a point to tell me that he just felt extra comfortable with me and wanted to really show me his "freaky" side....so I never confronted him....and thankfully we broke up before we ended up married and divorced because I caught him screwing his teammate.........

Okay, so here is the absolute GAYEST thing he did...Lol!

He tasted it... Yea, he tasted his own nut. Nut, as in semen, as in sperm. OMG *vomits a little in mouth* He must have been feeling extra freaky this day. Lol. He nutted on my stomach and took his nasty tongue and licked it off. Ugh.

Who does that? Why would somebody do that? I really didn't know what to do after that. I'm usually pretty good about talking to my mom when I have a problem, but I couldn't make myself tell her that. But yea, that pretty much confirmed my suspicions. And guess what, he's in the NFL now. And guess what else, if he ever makes a great impact in the league, to the point of ESPN popularity, I may just be the one to put him on "mediatakeout" blast!! Lol. I'm halfway serious. Married now with a baby...I really wonder if he has his wife wearing a strap on....

Facing The Truth

Lucky for me, this is one truth that I don't have to face anymore...as a matter of fact, there was never a point where I really had to face it....

I have made reference to my ex a couple of times in this blog, and well, here I go again....this blog entry comes after an interesting "I'm pretty sure he's DL" conversation I had with a couple of friends/coworkers....

My ex boyfriend and I "talked" for almost a year before we made it official. It was back in ninety something ('97 I think). We were cool. Something like friends. I gotta give dude a nickname...James. Yea, James will do. Okay, so James played football. As a matter of fact, he was a star athlete (football and basketball). During our 11 month "friendship", I remember him telling me that there was a "gay dude" at school lying on all the football players, saying he'd given the popular ones head, James included. So he (pretended) to be livid about the rumor that was going around.....then some time later, I don't remember how much time had passed, but I remember he and I used to talk on the phone everyday after school. Anyway, I remember his doorbell ringing, and he said "Man, this gay dude at my door. Let me call you back." Now, let me say this, I didn't care much for James at the time. We were cool, but I didn't like him b/c he was way too arrogant. I remember telling my friend that I thought he was gay b/c of the incident with the gay dude at his door.......

Fast forward several months.......I don't know what made that whole gay scenario disappear from my right mind. I have no clue why the fall of the following year I decided to let James be my boyfriend.......

I know I'm not going to be able to post all of this story in one setting so I'll just have to break it up into parts.....

The first thing that made me give James the side eye after we were official was the fact that there was a strange guy that he hung out with sometimes. This guy, we'll call him Rob. Okay, Rob was a family friend. He was also their church member. Rob was the guy that was clearly gay (as far as I was concerned), but no one ever talked about it. It was really weird. Like no one said a thing. He was just Rob. Rob, James, and maybe 2 or 3 other strange guys would hang out, and they had these inside jokes that made me feel really uncomfortable. James even went through a "tennis playing" phase. He and Rob played tennis a few nights a week the summer before we went off to college. Now James was athletic, so I didn't really question why he just up and wanted to play tennis on a random day......

*Sidenote, I don't know what I was (not) thinking, in case you're wondering.....

Oh yea, there's something else. James told me that he and Rob were on their way back home and Rob told him that he'd had a dream he gave James head. Now what man tells another man that he had a dream of slobbing them down? None that I know either. Not a straight man anyway. As a matter of fact, I don't know any gay men that would tell a straight man that......

To be cont....

Mr. Perfect

doesn't exist. That's what my mom says. She told me, "Well, leave that one alone and go to the next one who may be worse than the one before." As true as that may be, I have to wonder about that.....

I remember having a conversation with my friend not long ago. Jen. You remember Jen. Anyway, I remember telling her that no man is perfect, as none of us women are either. In telling her the truth about the perfect man that doesn't exist, I remember giving her some examples. Her boyfriend was being rude and abusive. Disrespectful and just plain mean. I told her that although we know there is no such thing as perfection, I'd rather deal with imperfections like occasional bad breath, a small limp, a guy with one testicle, snoring, forgetting to take out the garbage, A crooked tooth, stuttering when angry, or gray pubic hairs before I accept a guy being verbally, physically, or mentally abusive towards me. That's just that.....but again, I swear some of these dudes are just extreme.....there is no minor imperfection...It's always got to be some BIG stuff! Why? And just when you think that your guy is your real life perfection, you find him in bed with his homeboy! Lol.....for real though...I didn't even touch on that problem.....geez louise......

Settling For Less?

I was thinking not too long ago....

If you were to write down the characteristics you desired in your man, and on your list you had the following things:

1. Decent looking/not obese- Notice I didn't say "fine". I didn't give specific measurements like height or weight. I didn't give a specific skin color/complexion. I didn't say nappy or wavy hair. Just decent...not fat. Okay. Next.

2. Good credit- I didn't say perfect credit. I didn't even give a specific number. I'm just saying, "good credit" meaning if we were to try and get something, both our names could go on the credit application. You know, you don't have a plethora of delinquent accounts.....

3. Educated- I didn't say Ivy League education. I just said educated. I didn't say a master's degree, or a Ph.D..... Educated. College education....

4. Decent Job- Notice I didn't say "six figga nigga". I'm saying "decent" job as in benefits. Teachers don't make a killing, but it's a career. I didn't say CEO. A job. One with insurance and retirement plans.

5. No kids?- Okay, I'll even say 1 child....that's being taken care of. Depending on the situation, we'll say 2 at the most.

6. Respectful- I'm saying....someone that doesn't disrepect you or your family/friends....I didn't say "perfect gentleman". I'm just saying respectful. I didn't even say he had to open doors all the time, although one that knows how to do so is great.

7. Faithful- OMG! Here's the tricky part huh? No. Not really. Faithful! That is simple enough. I think. Faithful, as in doesn't cheat. How hard is that?

Well, after compiling this list, which doesn't include all the other things like: funny, no pedophilic tendencies, sane, has a car....... I wonder if these 7 things are asking too much. I have considered myself 7 of the 7 things, so why is it if I'm those things, and I know many single ladies that are "those things", why is it difficult to meet the guy that matches the girl? I don't see how that's too much to ask. Like, you may win 6 of the things then BAM! He's missing something else....what's up with that? Why is it if you run into "that guy", you automatically start trying to figure out what's wrong with him? It's not that you're looking for somebody that's perfect, but just meeting somebody that's compatible on more than one level seems to be something unachievable for way too many (in my opinion).

I keep looking at that small list, and I'm tripping because things like religion and honesty weren't even factored in....seriously...would it be asking too much to want those things plus a few more? Ugh!

You Think You Know

but you have no idea.....

I've been tagged!!! Jia tagged me for 6 unknown facts about me.....ready? Go!

1. When I was about 5th grade, possibly a little younger, I had my first orgasmic experience with a vibrator. Not just any vibrator though. It was a squiggle wiggle writer. They were selling this pen at the mall in one of those "Hello Kitty" type stores and anybody who was somebody in my 4th/5th grade class had one....which meant what? I had to have one too. I begged my mom to spend $10 on that pen, which you would have thought almost sent her to bankruptcy court or something with the short lecture that came along with the purchase. Anywhoo, my pen was yellow with my name dolled up in pink on the side. I don't remember when or how I figured out that my squiggle wiggle writer would feel good ON (not in) my girlie parts, but when I did.....let's just say that the sole purpose of that pen was NOT writing. I think the last "squiggle" and "wiggle" that pen took was between my legs.....so yea, betcha didn't know that did you?! And since I see they still make them, I may just have to order another one for old times sake.

2. I was involved in a hit and run once when I was 15. I had recently been given my driver's permit and my sister let me drive her little ford escort to work......long story short, I dropped a couple of people off at home (which I didn't have permission to do) and upon backing out of the driveway, I lightly bumped a car that was parked across the street.....I sped off, never to back up without looking in all my mirrors again.

3. I have recently, almost permanently, removed foul language from my vocabulary.

4. I created this blog so that I could speak exactly what's on my mind (right or wrong) in an anonymous fashion. And only one of my friends knows that it's me. No one else I know for real even know that it exists.

5. I almost hated my mother back in the day for choosing her spouse over me and my sister. That's how I viewed it so that's how it was. I'm glad that I got over that hump because I love my mother to bits....and although I don't share those same sentiments for her husband, I tolerate him now.

6. Many days I struggle with the "good" me vs. the "bad" me.....so far, the good is winning....


Now, here are the rules:

1. LINK TO THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU
2. POST THE RULES ON YOUR BLOG
3. WRITE SIX RANDOM THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
4. TAG SIX PEOPLE AT THE END OF YOUR POST AND LINK TO THEM
5. LET EACH PERSON KNOW THEY ARE TAGGED AND LEAVE A COMMENT ON THEIR BLOG
6. LET THE TAGGER KNOW WHEN YOUR ENTRY IS UP
7. DON’T BREAK THE CHAIN (not actually a rule)

I don't have many ppl to tag, but...

I tag:

Smokie
Tracemae
Saved Girl
Good Life
Just Jasmine

A Pet Peeve

Wanna know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Hearing fat people call other fat people fat....

Like, if you're in a size 20, what gives you the right to call the lady in a 22 fat? It seriously doesn't make any sense to me.

My New BFF

I think I'm about to have a new best friend. Her name is Patience. We were pretty good friends a long time ago, but as I got older we kinda drifted apart......

In an effort to make the absolute best decisions ever, in life...I've decided to give me and Patient's friendship a new beginning....I hope it works this time...

This makes me sad....

Deserving of a separate entry of it's own....

Baby Mama Complacency?

After perusing photobucket for cute pics of weddings or rings, I just couldn't resist stopping at this cute little animated engagement ring. I've been reading a lot of blogs that mention "putting a ring on it"....however, this "Put a Ring On It" blog has less to do with a man's complacency in just dating, and more with a woman having no problem not being married before having children. Now this may seem like I'm going in a different direction about marriage and such than before, but I'm just thinking....pardon me while I do so.

First things first, I was looking at a gossip site earlier this morning that was reporting Lebron James' possibility of proposing to his children's mother. Now because I'm not a real basketball fan, I was curious about Lebron's said bust it baby. I mainly wanted to know if this was a chick he's been with for a while. Not like it's making or breaking anything in my life, I'm just nosey like that. So anyway, I find out that the young lady is his high school sweetheart. I then stumble upon this message board thread and it made me think...is this young lady selling herself short in not waiting until they are married to have his children?

Then, shortly after, I tuned into youtube and watched one of Atlantasistah's vids about T.I. and his recent baby mama drama. Now I like T.I., but I'm not a big enough fan to know all about his children and such. All I know is that he's with Tiny....I guess. Anywhoo, AtlSis suggested that women have a "ring on it" before popping out these babies. Not that being married guarantees anything, but it's probably less of a fiasco if anything legal ever comes up. And that I agree with.

Just recently I had a very short conversation with a young lady. She's about 28 or 29yrs old and the mother of 5, six including her "fiance's" child. I'm not sure how long they've been together, but I know it's been long enough for her to have a few of his children.

I always wonder what takes men so long to realize they are with the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, especially when they have been in the relationship for a lengthy period of time. And then what really sucks is when a man knocks you up, time and time again, then leaves you (and ALL the children) to be with a woman with a little less baggage...how crazy is that?! Very. And what's even crazier is that (from what I hear) it happens all the time.

So goes the old adage "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Seriously though, does this have anything to do with "free milk"? Or is it moreso women settling for less than they deserve? I don't know....

Obviously being the "baby mama" is okay for many...Fantasia did say something about making it a holiday....

A Life Without Regrets

Seriously? Don't have regrets because at one point in my life it was exactly what I wanted...hmmmm....I used to look at that cute little quote, and think to myself, "True, true." Well, it is cute. And it is true, but.....

I'll be 30yrs old in a couple of years and guess what!?! I have regrets. While I do feel like many things in my life have helped mold me into the woman I am today, some of that stuff I could have done without. Yep, I do have regrets. Maybe some ppl truly have no regrets, but I'm not one of those folks. I wouldn't be a lady that contracted HIV saying I don't regret not having safe sex. I wouldn't be someone who ran a redlight and caused an accident saying I don't regret not being a safer driver. I wouldn't. That's just me though.

So like I said, yes, I have regrets....I regret:
-Losing focus on the important stuff during my last years of grammar school
-Losing my virginity at such a young age
-Not spending more time with either of my grandparents that are now long gone
-Not following my first mind on too many occasions to think about
-Not keeping my first car a little longer before going out to buy the brand new one
-Allowing my credit card debt to exist
-Sleeping with someone's husband
-Not speaking my mind sometimes

There are more things I wish I could take back or do differently. I can't help it. Somethings I just don't think I had to actually experience for myself in order to grow from. Honestly, I'd prefer to grow some from other people's experiences....again, that's just me...

Dreams Suck

that is, when they aren't yours. I don't know how to dream someone else's dream. That's hard. If it's not my vision, then I can't see it. And then that means that my patience is probably little, to non existent.

I hope this doesn't read as bad as it sounds coming to my mind, but I wish the "dream" would either suceed or fail so the next chapter of life can begin.....

Dang...piss or get off the pot already. And again, I know that I'm feeling this way because the dream isn't mine. My dream is for the people I care about the most to have their dreams come true. I want that. Really, I do....but......my patience isn't cooperating.

Baby Daddy Drama

After reading one of Jia's blogs earlier today, I got the urge to speak my $0.02 on the subject of babies and their daddies.

It's funny because this subject has been a hot topic lately, different aspects of it anyway.

So I asked my mom about 3 days ago, "Who's to blame when a child isn't taken care of? The mom for sleeping with a loser or the dad for not taking care of his responsibility?"

Almost with no hesitation, my mom said it was the woman's fault....WOW! I almost asked her if I should blame her for my dad's "here today, gone tomorrow" tactics the last 20 years...or is it different because I wasn't born out of wedlock. I was simply born into a marriage where the couple had their share of issues until they divorced.

So this is my thing, we all know that we should be more selective in who we give the draws too, and especially who we get pregnant by, but....BUT, is it not two willing participants in the sex act? Two to tango right? Well, what's the problem? I honestly don't understand why men have the option to take care of their child.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. When children come into the picture, all that other bull has to be put aside. I was lazy before I became a mother. I also hated to get up early in the morning on my days off. Well, guess what!?! I can't lay around all day on Saturday like I could premotherhood. It's not an option. And I could not see my child's father/a.k.a my husband having an option either. If he and I weren't married, I don't see him being apart of her life as being optional. It's just not. So yea, maybe I should be thankful that I haven't had to be the crazy "baby mama". Because let me just tell you, I would. No questions asked. I would not give the dude the opportunity to not be around. And no, you don't want to force anyone to do something they don't want to do, but whatever. Remember how your mom would tell you when you were younger, "You don't have a choice"? Well, dude wouldn't have a choice.

I'm so sick and tired of these dudes squirting sperm every which way but loose, then conveniently forgetting about it. That's so not how it's supposed to be....such as life....

Keyshia, Keyshia, Keyshia....

*I don't keep up with celeb life regularly enough to blog about it, but....

Since I'm such a fan of Keyshia Cole's reality show, I have felt compelled to atleast say something about that thing she called a finale. And I also have to speak on this latest cd.

First, how do you have a season finale that you don't even appear on? Unless I missed another 30 minutes, I didn't see Keyshia one time on the finale. All I saw was Neffe, being her normal over-the-top dramatic self, getting engaged. Congratulations Neffe. Seriously. I wish you the best.*

Now Keyshia, about this cd,"A Different Me"? Yea Keyshia, that was different. Please keep in mind that you've been "mainstream" for rougly 3yrs. In your first 2 albums, I could tell that there were lots of pinned up emotions and relationship issues that you seemed to be really feeling. I enjoyed...both of those cds. Now this last one, I have yet to really listen to it. I bought it, so you got my dime, but I don't see it making any heavy rotation.

Keyshia, you've not made it to the point where you can make "happy" music and it be okay. Now everyone is calling you mini-MJB, and I can kind of see where that would come from, but Keyshia. Do you know how many hits Mary made before she started dropping the "happy" albums? You haven't made it there yet. I think Mary was in about 6 or 7 albums deep before she did a switcharoo. Now this is not to say that I don't want you to be happy in your life, but you have to think about your fans. Don't nobody want to hear that ish.........

Lol! Do you girl. Like I said, you got my dime.

Oh wait, one more thing, what's this talk about a movie? Based on what? Your life? Keyshia...please. While I don't doubt that you had a hard time, I don't know that it's movie worthy. I mean, looking at the woman that actually gave birth to you probably could warrant a film of its own, but you were adopted. Remember? I'm sure making it to where you are today has been quite a journey, but making a movie about it? That's going a little too far. Why don't you hold off a little while on the movie thing. Your time is coming sweetie, just be patient.

Where Do I Start?

I have so much stuff floating around in my head I don't know where to start. My laptop is in need of an ac adapter that I have yet to order so......

In order for me to get power on that sucker it has to be in the right spot. Picture me jerking my cord round and round trying to get the battery sign to disappear from my task bar....

So....while I'm sitting at work waiting to become busy, I guess I'll try to get some blogging done....

Happy New Year!

If what they say is true: Whatever you're doing when the new year rolls in is how you're going to spend the rest of the year......

If that shit is true, I'm in for one lazy ass year. Hell, I was asleep until eleven, and only woke up because the hubby got me up....so we could "bring in the new year" together. Okay. That was fine, but still....WTF?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad and very thankful that I have lived another year, I just....I don't know. I guess the reality of my transition into family lady is really evident at times like this. Truthfully, I could be anywhere tonight, but I just can't. I couldn't. I don't have my little angel tonight because I'm working in the a.m. I figured why not let her spend MORE time with my aunt. Lol. But yea, that being said, I could have gone out and done something, but being a mommy now just won't let me.

I don't know man. I've been laying on the couch watching old episodes of The Office. Funny show.


I don't want to reflect on 2008. I mean I do, but there haven't been enough things going on. My life has been pretty routine. Nothing has really changed with me. I'm still focused on bettering myself and my family. That's a continuous process........

Oh shit, I have learned to be more patient (which is kiling me). And I'm learning the ins and outs of marriage. Still. They say that's an ongoing process as well. Oh, I've also made it at my new job the entire year. I didn't have doubts about it, but people keep asking me am I still enjoying it like something is going to change, so I'm keeping my eyes open just in case somebody knows something I don't know.

Other than all that, I'm on a paperchase. That Jay-Z and Foxy Brown song from 1998 just popped in my head...I'm going to go to bed now...or soon............

I Know I've Said This Before

but it bothers me when people keep doing the same shit expecting different results. I had a conversation with "Jen" the other day. She was one of the ones from a much earlier post. She was with a guy who was being emotionally and physically abusive. She got up the nerve to move out (back to her mom's) and leave the dude alone.

Well, she's been "out" of the relationship maybe 2 months or so. And that may be pushing it. Anyway, she's lonely at her mom's and she doesn't feel "at home". So what did she do? She got in touch with dude. WTF?! So they've been hanging out and now she's contemplating going back.

Seriously? You did all that shit just to move back? Because you are miserable at your mom's? Wow. I don't know what to tell her. And she's actually confused about the decision she has to make. Good grief. I'm so glad my mama didn't raise a weak woman.

Her goal is to be out of her mom's house by September granted she doesn't get back with the asshole. I asked what was the main thing holding her back...money. She doesn't make enough. So what's the thing to do when you aren't making enough money? Either get a better paying job or get an additional job. Duh. That's not hard. So if you want to be out of the house in the next 8 or 9 months, then wouldn't it be wise to start looking for additional ways to make money now? That's what I was thinking......

Since my brain is only good for me, I guess I'll let her figure it out. And sadly enough, I don't think she will. Ever. I see her going back by February, and being miserable about 2 weeks after the return. I'll keep you posted. Man I hope I'm wrong about this one.

Psycho Update

Earlier this week, I posted a blog entry about a chick being content being a side piece and some dude's girl hiring a private investigator to follow their every move.

Turns out, the story was much more than fabricated. There was no private investigator. The possible marriage is still in the air, but the runner up's guy made the shit up. He created a story in order to get information out of her. What a damn dumbass!!!

And although there are 3 sides to every story, right now, hers sounds like the more believable one. This dude is psychotic to say the least....we all know he's crazy, and have known this since day 1. Now she gets to see first hand....Between the gazillion text msgs he's sending her and showing up at her mom's house to read the bible, she has to know. I just hope he doesn't go apeshit. You know dudes are flippin out these days...........