My Negativity

What a negative Saturday it's become....not for much longer though.....

If it appears that I'm not sounding so optimistic about my relationship, let me tell you why. Months ago, when I could tell we were headed downward, I suggested we get some good Christian counseling. We went to our pastor. Nothing successful happened. Nothing came out during that session that we didn't already know.

I was so gung ho on working on this marriage. All about the vows....well, my husband had more of a "this ain't goin to work" attitude. Eventually I stopped being so optimistic about us. You know how you have hope for something for so long, only for it to be shot down, eventually it doesn't matter. That's how it's been for me anyway. I guess there's been a bit of a role reversal. First I was pushing for it, he wasn't. I stopped pushing, he started. I haven't been able to make myself hop back on the positive bandwagon just yet.

No sex for me. Did I mention this? We have sex about as much as an old married couple, maybe even less. My husband is an emotional creature. It's been obvious that he's not attracted to me like he used to be. And I'm sure it's because of our distance. I've never been with a guy that didn't want to screw...mad or not, they'll take a piece. Well, apparently not all men.

Imagine being rejected by your spouse time and time again. This is probably a separate entry as well. But with all the stressors of our marriage, he hasn't really wanted to have sex. We have done it, but it's definitely not regular. I feel like my mom is having more sex than I am. So of course, I'm going through all these thoughts in my head. I'm like, okay, if you're not screwing me, who are you screwing? Whether he has or not, I'm sure I'll never know. But I do know that I'm not used to be rejected. Not a great feeling, let me tell you. I thought all I had to do was tell him I wanted more, and he would give it to me....well, not really. We do it when he feels like it. I don't plan on having the conversation with him anymore.

Picture the toy you wanted the most growing up. You wanted it for your birthday, didn't get it. You wanted it for Christmas, didn't get it......well, when you finally get the gift, your enthusiasm is zero. Well, that's how sex is with me now. I tried, time after time again, only to be turned down, so now when we do it, I enjoy the moment, but afterwards....its whatever. I don't initiate it anymore, and I could care less if we do it.............on a positive side, he did tell me he's been wanting to do it, but since my period was on we haven't done it. We've had sex once since then, I think it was Wednesay morning. We'll see how that aspect of the relationship changes....

I don't know how to go back to the positive me. I don't know how to get over all the times he told me it wasn't going to work. Or all the times he moved my hand away from him, showing his lack of interest.

I've been in other relationships, none of which were perfect, but we still enjoyed ourselves when things were good. I just found out yesterday, my husband thought we were good b/c we haven't been arguing. I disagreed. Being quiet doesn't mean it's all good. It simply means that one person, or the other is bottling up true feelings. If us making it means someone will be miserable, at the expense of someone else's happiness, I'll pass.

As of right now, we don't have a common place to enjoy each other when we aren't disagreeing. As you can see, not even in the bedroom. Our only joy is our little one. If we can find a common interest, then maybe we'll be okay....

Dear God,
I've been waiting to hear from you. I don't know if you know it or not, but I have a new email address. It's completelymissunderstood@gmail.com. I only want to do the right thing. I know I'm supposed to be patient, but Lord.............this is hard. You gave me common sense, but right now, I'm not trusting my own judgement. Trusting my judgement is what got me into this situation in the first place. Can you please holla at your girl when you get a minute. I'll be checking that email every 5 minutes until I hear from you. Oh, and God, I do want you to know that I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for everything that my husband is, and I want to better understand the things he is not. I want to be the wife I'm supposed to be, but if that means standing outside on the corner, passing out beat cds, I don't really see how that's going to happen. I know that only you know. If he needs me to be that ride or die chick, that's going to hang out with 2 Crucial and nem at the show, Lord, that's not the person I am. I'm not the mother who's going to encourage my little girl to spend excessive amounts of time with her thuglife uncle, or her grandmom and great aunts that don't mind fighting each other. I can't do that Lord. I don't imagine you would want me to. Anywhoo,I'm trusting you to guide me in the right direction.

Love you,
Your baffled child