Crossroads

I have been wanting to blog, and not wanting to blog, for about 4 or 5 days now. Writing really is therapeutic for me...whether its pure foolishness or something juicy. I just like to write. So since I'm in need of some serious therapy, I say it's about time for me to get busy...

I have had a semi-revelation. I've come to the realization that there is a good chance that I'll be living the single life w/child before the year is over. My husband and I have quite an interesting history, one which I'll probably be sharing over time. He really is a great guy, but....yes, there is a "but", not for me....

The problem in this situation does not stem from any particular event, such as infidelity, abuse, or disrespect. The problem here is strictly incompatibility....and yea, there were some things in the beginning, actually, many things in the beginning that should have told me that this was a mismatch. I didn't listen. I guess this is a story that's way too common for a lot of married couples that end up divorced, looks like it's mine too....such as life.

I recognized that my husband and I were different early on...to the point of breaking it off with him, only to get back with him, on more than one occasion. He's night, I'm day. They say opposites attract. I disagree. Not in this case. I never intentionally tried to change the person he was. I simply "did me". In his obviously successful attempt to win me over, he did a lot of things that I chose to do. I don't think he purposely tricked me into thinking he was someone else, I think he was simply whipped and did not think logically about pursuing me the way he did.

Right now, I wouldn't describe my life/marriage as miserable.....I'm just kind of there. I don't hate him. He doesn't hate me. We are just....there. As long as there isn't anything to argue about, we don't argue. I swear, he sees apples. I clearly see oranges. It's that different. I won't take anything from him. He's a great guy......but we just (according to him, and I agree) grew up on different sides of the track. For some, this partnership could work out perfectly. Their opposites may attract. But in this case, the opposites repel! I've always told myself over and over and over again, that I wouldn't fool myself in any relationship. I refuse to live my life miserably, or mediocre for that matter. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work.

I'm hesitant in making quick decisions because I have a little girl to look out for. I have to make sure that every decision I make will be beneficial to her. Never would I stay married to my husband because we have a child.

We've been having these "come to Jesus" conversations, and right now, it's looking like the end of the road. I never pictured myself having to work out weekend visitation or "seeing daddy during spring break" conversations. And I don't see it even going there because he loves our little girl to pieces. She's truly the apple of his eye....

I honestly hope that some miracle will fall from the sky and make it all better, but my right mind tells me it's not going to happen. And I don't plan on spending the next decade miserable and waiting on a miracle.....Ugh. We'll see. And as much therapy as I need, I'm sure I'll be blogging about it.