Friday, June 27, 2008

My Confessions (only the beginning)

Yea, I confess, admit, don't deny, whatever you want to call it, that I fucked a fat boy "just to see what it would be like". We met several years ago through a mutual friend. It actually started out via telephone conversations. He was cool. Maybe a year or two younger, but still cool. Not to mention his big ass had a voice like he belonged in Boyz II Men.

After several phone conversations, I figured it was time to have a face to face meeting. Now I was told that he wasn't "fat", he was "solid", like a football player. I should have asked what damn position. I asked a couple of people who knew him. "Is he fat?" One reply was, "Yea, I guess you could call him fat". Another reply was, "Girl, he's like a big ol' teddy bear." I tried to prepare myself for his "bigness" (lol). I wasn't ready. He showed up at my door. Man, when I opened that door I thought to my self DAMN YOU BIG! Those measurements he'd given me were a little off. Either he wasn't as tall as he said, or he conveniently forgot to get a recent weight. Nonetheless, we talked that night. He referred to his mom's old ass van ( I think it was an astro van) as a truck. That shit bugged the hell outta me. Anyway, we talked. The sound of his voice reminded me of the big guy I knew just from phone conversations. Fast forward to the interesting stuff.

A couple of weeks go by. He comes over a few times a week. Cooks for me ALL the time (my mom claims he's trying to make me fat like him) and we just kick it. I don't remember the very first time we did it, but I do remember that it wasn't bad. It wasn't the best I've ever had, but it wasn't bad. I remember having to push his belly out of the way when I rode him. I remember when he got it from the back, he had to prop his gut up on my ass. How hilarious right! I also remember us taking a shower and me telling him that I should be in the front because the water was unable to reach me. His BIG, long, wide, black ass in that shower taking up all that space. What the hell! Ooooh! I remember one time he laid on top of me, trying to be all sweet and shit. I couldn't breathe. Boy I struggled for breath as I told his ass he was too heavy!

After a few weeks of that project/experiment, I was done. He kinda started disgusting me after while. Always lying his big ass on my floor sleeping and shit. I don't know what it is about seeing a fat person sleep, but I wanted his ass to get up and just "be busy". You know, do some damn jumping jacks or something. And speaking of "lying", I discovered he had a slight problem with telling the truth. He lied about stupid shit. I couldn't take all that. Oh, and get this shit. This nigga had an extra nipple! It wasn't like a fully formed nipple, it looked like a small mole or something. When I noticed it, I asked what it was. This nigga said, "Oh, that's my third nipple!". He said that shit with pride! Like it was funny or something. Oh hell no! That was my fat boy experience. I haven't had one since. Shit, been there, done that, and got the damn T-shirt. I think I really do have the t-shirt. There's a mystery shirt in my drawer that's like a freakin 5XL. That shit has to be his!

Thursday, June 26, 2008


I have got to take my black ass to bed. Sittin' up here playing around with this blogger like I don't have to work in the a.m.

Goodnight!!! I'll have to pick up where I left off tomorrow!

Spit Next Time Bitch!

How do you wake up every morning with pure foolishness on your mind? Each day you rise, you're trying to figure out how to break up a marriage. Why? Is it because this man, as married and trifling as he is, got you pregnant and still won't leave his wife? Is that why?

I have a question for your sick ass. Why did you think he would? All the while you were giving him head, he said everything you wanted to hear, didn't he? Newsflash! He didn't mean that shit. Now you got yo country ass riding back and forth, yelling out of car windows, and calling and harassing the Mrs. and shit.

Why the hell are you mad at her? You take time to make a whole myspace page dedicated to this affair you've had with someone else's husband, and you think that's okay? You saying shit like "That dumb bitch needs to get a life." and all that other shit you wouldn't dare say to her face. She needs to get a life. You serious? Is that because you want the one she has? Is it because you want the nice house and nice car? Did you think sleeping with him and allowing him to get you pregnant would seal the deal? Is that what you thought?

Well, answer this question. How did it feel knowing that man was at home taking care of his wife and child while you were giving birth to yours? What did he tell you to make you think he'd really trade the life he had at home, for a life with you?

I'm sure he didn't know what a psycho pussy he was screwing at the time. Otherwise I'm sure he would have picked another one. You are truly one crazy bitch. This ain't even my battle to fight, but because you make it your business to harass my friend every chance you get, you're starting to work my nerves. If I could beat your ass myself and not have to worry about consequences and shit, you better believe I would.

I do want to offer you a small piece of advice, next time a nigga nuts in your mouth, you need to spit that shit out. Swallowing apparently doesn't do shit but make you damn crazy!

Why Do Folks Cheat? The Million Dollar Question!

Boy if I could come up with a great answer to this question I'd be rich enough to bail Ed McMahon out of trouble. It's not just men. It's us too. Why can't people be honest? Why do some shit you can't be honest about? I have had my experience with dog ass niggas, and at this point in my life, I can honestly do without.

Yea, I'm connected right now. As a matter of fact, I plan on being for the rest of my life. Til death do us part was what I repeated back to the preacher.......I'm cool with that. But please believe that I won't be joining the "All Men Cheat" movement. I'm not going to claim that my spouse is going to cheat. The only advice I have for his ass is if he does, he better damn sure make sure he doesn't get caught.

And speaking of the "All Men Cheat" movement, why is that shit so acceptable. "He just being a man" my ass. Just like a nigga's dick gets hard, my pussy can get wet. That's not an excuse. It's bullshit. If your dick get that hard, beat the muthafucka! Don't go screw some other chick and then think I'm going to get over it because you're just "being a man". That ain't the kind of man I want. I'll pass on that one!

I Got Some Good Pussy!

So one too many times you've heard the words "Damn girl, you got some good pussy!" And now you actually believe this. You've been told "Damn girl, you give some good head!" And now you believe this as well. Now, not to say that those statements aren't true, but......

What you have to understand is the way men think. Yea, you may be a good fuck, but the truth of the matter is, if that's all you have to offer, it doesn't say much. Not sure if you realize this or not, but......after a nigga busts a nut, it's back to the same ol' thing. This means if he was dogging your ass before he got in it, he'll dog you after his euphoric state wears off from busting a nut.

Your pussy absolutely will NOT keep any man interested. It's too many pussies around for yours to be that special.

Oh, but you are different. You're that chick that will let a nigga know you "know the game". You'll talk to him like you're one of the guys....encourage him to answer the phone if "that girl" calls. Tell him some shit like "Don't do that girl like that." I guess that's your way of letting him know that you're cool......well, guess what!?! He could care less. You're still just a piece of twat to him. And it could be "good twat", but that won't be enough.

I'm glad I learned that shit early on.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Where's Waldo? I mean Aunt Flo

Okay, if I'm not pregnant, where the hell is my period. I've taken several pregnancy tests...all negative. So what the hell is going on?

Dear Jen

I know you're probably not going to like what it is I have to say, but as someone I call a friend, I feel like it's my duty to give you my opinion.

First things first, I do hate that you are going through this. You have asked on several occasions "Why?". I'm going to challenge you to do something. Take a little time to reflect on your life's choices, YOUR life's choices. At some point, you should notice somewhat of a pattern. Over the years you have made mistakes, as we all have. The problem is, at some point or another, you've repeated the same mistakes. That's where the problem comes in. We are going to make mistakes. The key is to learn from them.

You apparently haven't learned from any of them. You will never be able to go forward if you don't rectify the present. If you don't find a way to put yourself in a situation to where you won't need someone to pay the bills, you'll always be dependent. You have to get it together. I can't continue to have my head hurt after listening to the same shit. It's gotten old.

I do want you to be encouraged. If you don't do anything to prepare for your future, you will always be dependent on another nigga. Tighten up chica!

Why me?

If I don't know anything else, I know that as a responsible adult, you have to be accountable for things that you do, and the consequences that follow.

A friend of mine, we'll call her "Jen", has been the exact same since I met her many years ago. Lazy, trifling, poor work ethic......the list goes on. Well, just recently, like within this past year, she's done even more idiotic things, and for some reason she can't figure out "why these things always have to happen to her".

Let me just recap the past 12 months of her life......basically, she meets this guy and falls in love with his stuff, or what "stuff" he appears to have. These things include, a decent car (and by that I mean one with a/c), nice clothes, rental property, and a fucked up attitude that she knew nothing about.

Since falling in love with the fool, we'll call him "Ike", she's had her first experience with mental and physical abuse. And this muthafukka ain't even cute.....anyways, so she's getting her mental torn down by "Ike" more often than not. You know, he's that nigga that's never satisfied. She cooks for his ungrateful ass, it's not enough. He needs more vegetables. You know, shit like that. So I'm not sure how many times he's laid hands on her, I definitely know it's been more than once. Then her sorry, poor work ethic having ass wishes to get fired from her job. Over some bullshit.

Now she's sittin her ass at their apartment looking dumb. Feeling like she has no choice but to keep puttin up with his shit because he's paying the bills. She doesn't want to go home to her parents because she feels like its not "a step up" from where she is now. This is crap, but it's her truth.

So I said all that to say, now her lazy ass wants to sit around and question the world about why these things always happen to her. Now I know the answer to that, I'm sure others know the answer to that, but why can't she figure it out? You're in this situation because you put yourself there. YOU decided to NOT try to get out of your lease a year ago when he put his hands on you the first time. YOU decided that him talking to you any kind of way was acceptable. YOU decided that you were too old to stay at your parents' house. YOU decided that it wasn't important for you to save money just in case. YOU decided to walk out of your job with shit that you knew wasn't yours. YOU! It's not anyone's fault but yours. That's why this shit keeps happening to you.

Do some shit to correct situations and stop feeling like the world owes your ass something. Keep making bad decisions and you'll forever have bad shit happen. Damn.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Give 2 the Needy? Not me!

Okay, so I have a problem. I don't like dealing with "needy" people. You know, the ones that are always in need? As a matter of damn fact, they bother me beyond words. Why should I put forth my good effort to help a big, lazy, sorry, trifling ass person that doesn't want to help themselves?!?

I just recently received a message from someone who needed help. They were going on a trip and didn't really have much. "Whatever you can bless me with", the message said. My thoughts were....I ain't got shit for ya! If you don't have any money, look to me like your ass don't need to be going on a damn trip! If you don't have a job, don't know how you are going to pay next month's rent, and basically don't have a pot to piss in, why the hell do you think you should get handouts for a trip you can't even afford! Give me a freakin break. I bet you one thing though. You won't get a dime from me!

It Wasn't Me!

I truly hate when I'm somewhere in my own space, minding my own business...and I fart. And instead of me remaining in peace with my own funk, here comes some random person, walking right into my nastiness! Then I have to sit there and look dumbfounded. It wasn't me!

Monday, June 2, 2008

I'm Not Perfect

Okay, so I didn't get the memo. Apparently, all these years I've been bouncin' my happy ass around here thinkin' I'm perfect. Well, guess what? Turns out, I'm not. Atleast that's what I hear. I have yet to actually recollect that point in time that I stated the words "I'm perfect". Maybe it's just that I don't walk around with my flaws airbrushed on my shirt. Or maybe it's because I'm so good at pointing out others' flaws. Yea, that's got to be it. I'm so busy telling other ppl what's wrong with them, I totally overlooked what's wrong with me.......that is so not true. I sure hate I come off that way! Geez!

We Can Try This Again....

Once again, I'm trying to do this blog never seems to work out for one reason or another. So, this time maybe, just maybe I can use this freakin blog as an outlet. We'll see.