Saturdays

must be the worst now. I don't know. It just seems that way. Something about the weekend brings about too much free time. Although I just worked a few hours and I'm going back later tonight, there's still too much time.

Now I'm sitting here, typing through tears, trying to figure out what to do.

Earlier this morning, my hubby and I had another conversation about "us". After he basically forced his mind to want to do me, we had to talk. It was too obvious, as it has been lately. So in this conversation, we're basically examining issues AGAIN and it's the same thing.

Finally, after asking him very specific questions, he tells me his "heart isn't in it". Well, duh. I knew that. I've been knowing that for awhile now. And actually, I could say that I somewhat feel the same way. For some reason, actually hearing those words is a little different from me just thinking them. Nonetheless, it's the way he feels. Pretty much the way I feel. He said "You know how it is when you can't picture yourself without somebody? Well, that's not how it is for me". I could have bet my savings on that too. And again, that's pretty much the way I feel. I don't understand why it's so different coming out. But it is.

Now my eyes burn, my nose is running even more, and I don't know how I'm going to keep my eyes from swelling shut while I sleep...you know, so when I go back to work, I won't have to answer any "what's wrong?" questions. I hate it when ppl ask me that. I digress.

Oh, and did I mention the fact that my head is pounding? Well, my head is pounding. Oh, and my heart hurts. And it's strange. It's not really a "broken heart" hurt, it's just a "big girl making decisions" kind of hurt. Well, wait, maybe my heart is broken. But he didn't break it. Circumstances have broken it. The fact that my little angel is affected by my "big girl decisions" is what really breaks it. The fact that her mommy has made (what looks like) a bad decision or two is what breaks it. Although I still don't know what's going to happen, the thought of what could happen is enough.

Back to this morning. Before today, I told my hub that I really didn't want to do the whole separation thing. I always thought that if we were going to work it out, then we work it out. What's the need for separation? However, after hearing the things he had to say this morn....
What he said, or what I understood him to say, was that his mind tells him that we need to work this out. His heart, however, tells him there's nothing. He doesn't want to follow his heart, divorce, and then wake up and realize he made the biggest mistake of his life. Yea, that would suck for him because I'm not really a fan of "wishy washy" husbands. When it's done, it's done. So yea, I would say that this is a decision that needs to be made carefully.

Anywhoo....that's been the first 5 hours of my day. It has to get better, right? Hope so.
I had to go back to the 80s today!