Saturday, February 7, 2009

Saturdays

must be the worst now. I don't know. It just seems that way. Something about the weekend brings about too much free time. Although I just worked a few hours and I'm going back later tonight, there's still too much time.

Now I'm sitting here, typing through tears, trying to figure out what to do.

Earlier this morning, my hubby and I had another conversation about "us". After he basically forced his mind to want to do me, we had to talk. It was too obvious, as it has been lately. So in this conversation, we're basically examining issues AGAIN and it's the same thing.

Finally, after asking him very specific questions, he tells me his "heart isn't in it". Well, duh. I knew that. I've been knowing that for awhile now. And actually, I could say that I somewhat feel the same way. For some reason, actually hearing those words is a little different from me just thinking them. Nonetheless, it's the way he feels. Pretty much the way I feel. He said "You know how it is when you can't picture yourself without somebody? Well, that's not how it is for me". I could have bet my savings on that too. And again, that's pretty much the way I feel. I don't understand why it's so different coming out. But it is.

Now my eyes burn, my nose is running even more, and I don't know how I'm going to keep my eyes from swelling shut while I sleep...you know, so when I go back to work, I won't have to answer any "what's wrong?" questions. I hate it when ppl ask me that. I digress.

Oh, and did I mention the fact that my head is pounding? Well, my head is pounding. Oh, and my heart hurts. And it's strange. It's not really a "broken heart" hurt, it's just a "big girl making decisions" kind of hurt. Well, wait, maybe my heart is broken. But he didn't break it. Circumstances have broken it. The fact that my little angel is affected by my "big girl decisions" is what really breaks it. The fact that her mommy has made (what looks like) a bad decision or two is what breaks it. Although I still don't know what's going to happen, the thought of what could happen is enough.

Back to this morning. Before today, I told my hub that I really didn't want to do the whole separation thing. I always thought that if we were going to work it out, then we work it out. What's the need for separation? However, after hearing the things he had to say this morn....
What he said, or what I understood him to say, was that his mind tells him that we need to work this out. His heart, however, tells him there's nothing. He doesn't want to follow his heart, divorce, and then wake up and realize he made the biggest mistake of his life. Yea, that would suck for him because I'm not really a fan of "wishy washy" husbands. When it's done, it's done. So yea, I would say that this is a decision that needs to be made carefully.

Anywhoo....that's been the first 5 hours of my day. It has to get better, right? Hope so.
I had to go back to the 80s today!

4 comments:

Saved Girl said...

geez pumpkin. I'm sorry you have to go through this...its the worst feeling, although the honest assessment of our lives (in your case your marriage) MUST be done. I don't want either of you to have a wishy-washy marriage or stay JUST for the sake of your angel...so keep assessing and you two will come to an agreement in time. I SO FEEL YOU ON THE TOO MUCH TIME. I woke up at 7 a.m., went to my parents to wash my hair, put color in my mom's hair and came home at 11a.m. BEEN SLEEP EVER SINCE, just woke up. Its unhealthy...I been looking for a part time job, so I applaud you on staying busy b/c an idle mind is the devil's workshop. Take care and know that Jesus will never leave or forsake you. Love ya!

D C Cain said...

Funny, the word verification for this comment is "healing".

I'm such a man on the inside -- it's hard to just listen and not provide some type of solution. :-)

An ending is always the beginning of something. What is this the beginning of? What GOOD is this the beginning of? Peace in the home? Child support?:-) Doing what you want to do, how you want to do it, when you want to do it? No more pressure to pass out flyers on corners? No more senseless misunderstandings with your “unevenly yoked” husband? No more belittling the things that are important to you? No more guilt at looking down on the man you call “husband”? The possibility of eventually meeting a man who is compatible with you? The ending of something is always, really, just another chance to start over and get something right. A chance for growth.

I say cry, grieve, look in the mirror, and scream/holler/pray/talk to yourself and God... get it ALL out...for a specified amount of time. Express all the blame, shame, and irrational thoughts. Express rational thoughts also. The point is to verbalize everything that you have and have not admitted to yourself and to God. This is the verbal AND physical manifestation of “giving it all to God”. How do you hold on to anything and still find healing? Impossible.

And then pray for peace and strength. No matter how you feel on the inside, always pause to talk to God and ask for peace, strength, happiness, and understanding and finally, to “let Thy Will be done”.

Somewhere along the way you'll discover that the sadness has been replaced by hope and anticipation. You’ll feel lighter. You'll discover "freedom" and the joy that accompanies freedom and hope. When you have tried all you can do -- to no avail -- then you can rest assured that you have been effectively released from that situation. You can leave with a smile on your face and soooooo much hope and excitement about the future. The possibilities are endless once you are free.

And God knows you are imperfect. He knows that you feel some level of guilt for even marrying your husband. But you don’t know the BIG picture. Everything happens for a reason. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect and to make no “mistakes”. He doesn’t expect you to get it right from the jump every time. He does expect you to grow however. And this will no doubt be one huge growth spurt. He got you – AND your daughter. Remember: she’s God’s child first. :-)

Misunderstood said...

Thanks you guys.....Ugh!

This too shall pass.

Anonymous said...

I am going thru the exact same thing and it SUCKS!!!!

I'm stuck with a bum with no where else to go...and the LAST thing i want to hear after being hit in the head with one of your skeletons is that you have 30 days and i can't MAKE you leave...

Guuuuurrrrlll...