I honestly feel like if there's nothing to be found, then that's that. You find nothing.........
The above text was written Saturday when I felt like blogging, but I never got a chance to finish the entry....well, the irony of this post's continuation is crazy. And to finish what I was saying above, I feel like if I look in your closet and find no skeletons, its because you have none. If someone decides to dig up dirt on me, if they find dirt, it's because I have it. Not just because they looked.....
Fast forward to this morning...
On a normal weekday morning, the hub gets up before me and the baby. After his shower, she's normally awake, and he feeds her breakfast. Well, this morning while they were downstairs, I noticed his cellular sitting on the bedside table, basically begging me to take a peek. Seriously, like Blue's Clues, glowing and all, begging to be looked at.....
I couldn't deny that little cheap phone. I just couldn't. I looked through the call history and saw nothing that meant anything to me. Just normal phone calls. Next stop, text messages. Inbox first. I came across this red flag of a message first: Well go fuck then. That message was from his homeboy. Immediately, my heart started racing and I could feel the rage waking up just in case I needed it. Then I saw a message that said something about washing his ass. Both of these messages from his homeboy. I had to go to the sent messages to get both sides of the conversation.....Sent messages. RED DAMN FLAG MESSAGE: I'm trying to get some ass. Next message reads: I might smell like badussy when I get there.
Baaaabaaaaay....rage woke up. I thought I was going to break my neck getting down those stairs. Long story short, he should be gone by the time I get home......
Things are somewhat of a blur to me right now. I remember me doing a lot of yelling and cussing like I was in the street. I remember not going upside his head because my child was standing there....all she wanted was her oatmeal and apples.....she saved her dad's ass this morning. Really. She did. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my temper is bad at times. When angry enough, I don't remember that I'm not as strong as a man. And I don't care.
There was a lot of pacing back and forth. My fists have been balled up almost all morning. I really wanted to physically hurt him this morning...but I didn't. I told him to go. Right then. Then I remembered that I hadn't gotten up early enough to get my baby to her MiMi's house and still be on time for work....so I told him to feed her, take her to the sitter, then come back and pack up.....
Yea, I got an explanation about the girl he was going to go screw. Not that it matters....not that I believe anything he tells me about the situation. Of course he claims it didn't happen. Well, it should have. Remember I worked that night. All night. I don't know what happened. I don't care. I don't have time......so yea, this was my confirmation.
I rattled my brain all yesterday and last night trying to figure it out.....
I'm not blaming his alleged "2 month, never been physical, but definitely flirtacious and in my opinion obviously emotional" relationship on the demise of ours. No, I'm not doing that. He and I were wrong from the start. I realize that. What pisses me off more than anything is the fact that I have given him opportunity after opportunity to be for real. I asked him, specifically, if he was attracted to anyone else. Saturday, it was "no". Monday morning, it's "I told you I had an attraction to someone else".
Nigga please. My memory isn't as good as it used to be, but I wouldn't forget that. I really hate the fact that my last impression of him is him "trying to get some ass" from some girl he met at the club. Seriously.....like, in the middle of my rage, I asked him if she lived alone. He said no....
I'm like, you dumb ass nigga, so you can't even go stay with her.......
She doesn't do anything. I'm not surprised. That's why he and I can't, and wouldn't work. I'm a different breed from what he likes.....
So yea, whether he got ass Saturday or not...who cares at this point? I know what I was doing Saturday night....working the last 12 hours of 115. I don't have time. So basically, our relationship went from "possibly able to be worked on" to "not a chance" with the touch of a button....
And after him crying and apologizing and probaly feeling like an idiot, I still don't care. You see, when you lack as many things as he lacks, there is no room for that kind of bull. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do before this morning. And he's probably still not sure. That's what I'm here for....the spouse is supposed to be a helpmate, right? Well, I helped him make his decision. No need to hold on to something that isn't there.
And as for that bull about if you look for it, you'll find it? Damn right. I looked, I found, and now I can move on....
4 comments:
I stumbled upon your blogs last week and have read every post you have entered. I love your writings it’s interesting and keeps me wanting to know more about your life. Maybe because of a few things… I’m nosy, bored at work all day…or because we are so similar in our views on life and the way we think. I read about your situation with hubby. And from the beginning I wanted to write you and tell you to let it Go. But A) im not married b) I don’t have kids and c) I don’t know you like that. lol…Anyways…All I can say is WOW!! to toady’s post. Im sorry that you had to find out what you did. Thank God you did though… now you have your answer. Let it go and move on. Why be in misery. I do believe if you go looking you will find. But I also believe that you have had your answer about the relationship since the beginning. (from what I have read) Usually a relationship that starts of wishy washy will remain that way. People who have different out looks on life and don’t grow with the relationship to change and view things the same its probably going to stay that way. I wish you all the luck with the situation. I hope you and hubby can work out the probs and it doesn’t affect your daughter.
MissUnderstood! This is not how I wanted the clarity to come. My gosh, I think I lost 30 minutes of productivity at work thinking about how that whole situation played out and how you felt (and is feeling). I'm still at a lost, so I don't have much to say.....but I will say from my experience, you will be fine my dear. God will never leave or forsake you. You must hold on to that. I really don't want to come off like the person that beats God and the Bible down a person's throat when they are going through but I must admit now I think I know why some people do that. If the people are like me and have been through HELL, they know its only God that has kept them. So I declare with everything in me, God will keep you and your angel...you both will be fine. Please email me if need be...I'll give you my digits so we can chat if you feel like it. Love ya!
Bless you, sweetie. You'll be fine. It gets like that sometime.
Wow...
There are a lot of things that I can tolerate (but would rather NOT) in a relationship but cheating is NEVER one of them.
I don't care what the circumstance is, what 'pushed' him to do it...the bottom line is that if you cheat on me, it's VERY obvious that you don't value our relationship, my health or your well being (b/c when I find out, I'm clearly going to wreck shop on that ass).
I use to be a chronic snooper. I don't do it now b/c I'm so jaded and don't care. But before, I was definitely a mess and would definitely dig through your things, your phone, didn't matter. If I found it, it's not b/c I SHOULDN'T have...it's b/c YOU DID IT and I simply UNCOVERED what the hell you did! It had to be a no good man that came up with the logic of 'if you go looking.' HAD to be.
Nonetheless, since I don't 'know' you personally, I don't want to force cliches on you, telling you that I know for a fact that you'll be fine. That was a hard blow...and while I may not KNOW how you'll be later on, I will say that I HOPE you'll be fine!
Take care and keep us posted on what's up!
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