Monday, May 18, 2009

Staying Power Revisited

"A lot of marriages with that 'staying power' can boast 30+ years of marriage, etc....but at what cost." - Saved Girl

OMG!!!! That is sooooooooooooo true. Like, really. My grandparents were married well over 5o years. 12 kids, 11 together, 1 outside kid (per grandmother), atleast 2 outside kids (per granddad), many nights of my grandfather being "out in the street" doing his thing, grandma trying to prove that she's still "got it" with the other man.....the list goes on. Staying power. Remember?

I love my bits and pieces.....but I'm not kidding, she sure knows how to not make sense sometimes. And you wouldn't believe that my mom is a smart woman. Three degrees and all, she says some dumb ish sometimes.

I remember when me and the hub first separated. My mom gave me this long spill about how she stayed with my dad and gave it her all until she couldn't do it anymore. WTH!? I'm sure she couldn't do it. Hell, he had permanently jacked up her finger, blacked her eyes, and there was the mistress my mom almost ended up boxing in the store.

Why on earth would anyone encourage someone to be disrepected until they just can't handle it anymore? Why? I'm so sorry. I'm over it. Yea, I'm not really in the mood for being without "me" after a decade of being dogged out. And I refuse to believe that all those ppl stayed in those marriages strictly b/c of the bible. Yes, I know what the bible says. I know. I get it. However, do I believe that my grandmother would have stayed with my granddad if she were able to support 12 children on her own? If she didn't need him to drive her around? I doubt it. Folks are always quick to talk about the bible being the reason to stay married, but I still feel like people have their own agenda. Maybe not ALL of the people, but I do feel like majority do.

And I'm talking about when it's bad, not when there is a healthy relationship. Whether it's financial reasons, stability reasons, status reasons, the need for a "family" reasons, deep down I don't think the promise to God tops the list of "why they stay".

I know I'm rambling again. And it's clearly my bedtime so I'll just say this. I'd rather be married for 4 good years and divorced, than be married for 40 + years of some good, mostly bad. I just can't.

Going to bed now........

Sleepy Thoughts

I should be in bed right now, but I'm obviously not...for whatever reason. Probably because I'm determined to "workout" a little everyday and it just so happens the munchkin didn't fall asleep as early as she could have.

Anywhoo, I was speaking with a coworker this morning about men. In general. Actually, she told me about the hell her ex-husband had put her through prior to their divorce. I told her NOTHING about the semi-hell my soon to be ex has put me through. I didn't see it necessary.

I'm having a hard time understanding this whole "man" thing. And honestly, I can't say that it is my lifelong goal to figure it out. I'm sure I'd die trying. I'm not one to jump on the "all men are dogs" bandwagon, but many of the ones I know are. Doesn't mean anything though. Right? I don't know ALL men. I do know a good number though....

Although I can hesitantly admit that I do still have scar tissue from my previous long term relationship (before the marriage), I can also admit that I didn't enter any new relationship expecting the worse. Everyone gets a fair shot. Kinda like this class I took in college. "Everyone will start out with a 100% grade avg. in this class." That's what the professor said on day 1. I remember getting so excited when he said that. I don't know why, but it just sounded good. Then the professor went on to say that it was up to us to maintain our 100%. Made perfect sense to me....

Well, I always give anyone I'm dealing with 100% from the beginning. Regardless of what the odds are, I'm always hopeful. Well, so far, no good. No one has been able to maintain that "passing grade". Did I say I remained at 100%? Nah. Surely not. But you know how teachers always give you break downs of which tests weigh the most. I'm pretty sure I did good where it counted. Oh well.......maybe the next guy will prove my "not all guys are dogs" theory right. I'm still hopeful.......

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Staying Power


I was talking to my aunt today. I guess somewhere along the way, either she heard through the grapevine, or she noticed my empty ring finger. However it went, she's figured out my marriage is on the edge....of like the nastiest cliff ever. Anyway, she made the statement to me "Y'all young girls don't put up with bullshit. See, women like me and your momma, we inherited staying power."

Well damn. Staying power, huh? Nope. Don't got it. Don't want it. My mother was married to my father for maybe 12 or 13 years. I can't remember exactly how long. What I do remember though, are the black eyes, the arguing, oh, and that child my dad made with his mistress during those years. And trust me when I say none of those things mentioned happened during the last year of their marriage.

Is that what staying power is? The power to stay with a man who makes it a habit to be disrespectful to you and your relationship with him? The ability to put up with bullshit? I don't want it. Seriously. There are soooooo many things I learned from my mom. Things which I am grateful for. However, there are some things that I wouldn't dare wish I'd inherited. That thing called "staying power" is one of them. Screw that!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Decisions, decisions.

Just for the sake of keeping you guys updated with me and all my drama.....

Okay, the hub and I are still pretty much in limbo. It's funny to me how getting "caught up" makes someone want to "do right". Why is that? I don't get it. I was trying to do the right thing and make an attempt to save this thing called marriage. Well, today I'm not so sure about it. I say this because I remember the time leading up to our "supposed" separation. I had been fasting and praying, and fasting and praying. I remember the night before, I asked God what in the world was I supposed to do? I asked, "What's the problem here?". Well, that very next morning, I feel like I got my answer. I feel like I was shown clearly, the kind of person I married and the things he's capable of doing. So it's like I've been given the information, and what I decide to do with it is on me.

I was driving home today thinking, I should let it go. After all, I got my answer. I don't know if this is one of those "neither one of us wants to say goodbye" type deals or not, but either way, it's getting old.....

Decisions, decisions. Ugh.