Why Did I Get Married?

In a previous post, I went over the reasons in my head as to why I got married. The most important reason I chose to marry that man is because he was irreplaceable....my, oh my how things change.

After a long game of cat and mouse, he won. I was with him for a little while, decided he wasn't "it', got with another guy who seemed to "fit the bill", only for him to lack the very things my hubby possessed that seemed so important to me at the time. This, in turn, always led me back to the hub. All of the guys I met during our "off" moments instantly got compared to my hub. Each time my door wasn't opened, each time I saw no "out of their way" attempt to make sure I was okay, they were compared to him.

When it came to other things, my husband didn't quite fit the bill, but some things I figured I could help him out with. He didn't have a college degree, but he had college experience. He was not wealthy like the other guys I dated, but he wasn't dead broke either. I never had to reach in my pocket for anything. For a while, I wanted him to have the money of the other guy. I made it a point to insinuate to him, the size of one of the other's houses, in order to let him know what his competition was. My husband's first home purchase was a huge deal for him. I made him feel less than because it wasn't as big as the guy I quit talking to him for. How rude of me right? I know.

He was doing the best he could. But sometimes your best just ain't good enough,right? I haven't figured that out yet. I recognized my husband's flaws, but understood that I have flaws of my own.....so why couldn't this thing work? I thought the good thing about us was the fact that there weren't any secrets. Nobody's flaws were a secret to other person. I thought that was a good thing. That way, there could be no surprises.....hmmmph....

I decided to be with him, and only him after I thought that I had thought it through. We began to talk about marriage and I picked out a few of my favorite rings. The wedding, although we weren't officially engaged, was not going to take place for atleast a year or two. Almost 5 months later, I got pregnant. I knew that laying up with him and my baby, playing "house", was not an option for me. We decided, well "we were going to get married anyway....why not?"...Bad idea.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I disagree. Hindsight has got to be something like 20/10. I see things so clear now it's crazy. I imagine that had I not become pregnant with our beautiful child, we would have had yet another issue to come up that would have showed me (again) that he and I weren't it. But that time never came. We didn't get to know each other well enough. Or maybe not that we didn't know each other, we didn't understand how critical our differences were to the other person.

So now the decision has to be made. Can we get to a point where we are on the same page, or is it a lost cause. Biblically speaking, divorce is wrong. Fine time to bring God into the equation huh?! Lol. If God were involved, we wouldn't have been doing anything to get pregnant in the first place. Such as life though, right.....

The seriously, scary thing is waking up in 10 years and realizing nothing has changed. Still waiting on God to email me and tell me exactly what to do. And I know that it's not going to happen, but it sure would be nice. Lol.

Honestly, I love my husband, and I only want the best for him, but right now it's not looking like I'm it. I know anything can happen, and I want it to, but in the meantime....

I freakin' hate not knowing what the future holds.....with a passion!!!