My Negativity

What a negative Saturday it's become....not for much longer though.....

If it appears that I'm not sounding so optimistic about my relationship, let me tell you why. Months ago, when I could tell we were headed downward, I suggested we get some good Christian counseling. We went to our pastor. Nothing successful happened. Nothing came out during that session that we didn't already know.

I was so gung ho on working on this marriage. All about the vows....well, my husband had more of a "this ain't goin to work" attitude. Eventually I stopped being so optimistic about us. You know how you have hope for something for so long, only for it to be shot down, eventually it doesn't matter. That's how it's been for me anyway. I guess there's been a bit of a role reversal. First I was pushing for it, he wasn't. I stopped pushing, he started. I haven't been able to make myself hop back on the positive bandwagon just yet.

No sex for me. Did I mention this? We have sex about as much as an old married couple, maybe even less. My husband is an emotional creature. It's been obvious that he's not attracted to me like he used to be. And I'm sure it's because of our distance. I've never been with a guy that didn't want to screw...mad or not, they'll take a piece. Well, apparently not all men.

Imagine being rejected by your spouse time and time again. This is probably a separate entry as well. But with all the stressors of our marriage, he hasn't really wanted to have sex. We have done it, but it's definitely not regular. I feel like my mom is having more sex than I am. So of course, I'm going through all these thoughts in my head. I'm like, okay, if you're not screwing me, who are you screwing? Whether he has or not, I'm sure I'll never know. But I do know that I'm not used to be rejected. Not a great feeling, let me tell you. I thought all I had to do was tell him I wanted more, and he would give it to me....well, not really. We do it when he feels like it. I don't plan on having the conversation with him anymore.

Picture the toy you wanted the most growing up. You wanted it for your birthday, didn't get it. You wanted it for Christmas, didn't get it......well, when you finally get the gift, your enthusiasm is zero. Well, that's how sex is with me now. I tried, time after time again, only to be turned down, so now when we do it, I enjoy the moment, but afterwards....its whatever. I don't initiate it anymore, and I could care less if we do it.............on a positive side, he did tell me he's been wanting to do it, but since my period was on we haven't done it. We've had sex once since then, I think it was Wednesay morning. We'll see how that aspect of the relationship changes....

I don't know how to go back to the positive me. I don't know how to get over all the times he told me it wasn't going to work. Or all the times he moved my hand away from him, showing his lack of interest.

I've been in other relationships, none of which were perfect, but we still enjoyed ourselves when things were good. I just found out yesterday, my husband thought we were good b/c we haven't been arguing. I disagreed. Being quiet doesn't mean it's all good. It simply means that one person, or the other is bottling up true feelings. If us making it means someone will be miserable, at the expense of someone else's happiness, I'll pass.

As of right now, we don't have a common place to enjoy each other when we aren't disagreeing. As you can see, not even in the bedroom. Our only joy is our little one. If we can find a common interest, then maybe we'll be okay....

Dear God,
I've been waiting to hear from you. I don't know if you know it or not, but I have a new email address. It's completelymissunderstood@gmail.com. I only want to do the right thing. I know I'm supposed to be patient, but Lord.............this is hard. You gave me common sense, but right now, I'm not trusting my own judgement. Trusting my judgement is what got me into this situation in the first place. Can you please holla at your girl when you get a minute. I'll be checking that email every 5 minutes until I hear from you. Oh, and God, I do want you to know that I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for everything that my husband is, and I want to better understand the things he is not. I want to be the wife I'm supposed to be, but if that means standing outside on the corner, passing out beat cds, I don't really see how that's going to happen. I know that only you know. If he needs me to be that ride or die chick, that's going to hang out with 2 Crucial and nem at the show, Lord, that's not the person I am. I'm not the mother who's going to encourage my little girl to spend excessive amounts of time with her thuglife uncle, or her grandmom and great aunts that don't mind fighting each other. I can't do that Lord. I don't imagine you would want me to. Anywhoo,I'm trusting you to guide me in the right direction.

Love you,
Your baffled child

Greener Grass

Smokie, let me see if I can somewhat answer your question.

A few times during me and the hub's "dating" stage, I left him alone because I thought the grass was greener on the other side....well, not so much. I always kept my options open because I wasn't ready to settle down. I was still in school and had not too long before gotten out of serious relationship.

When I say we were on and off, we really were on and off. When something appeared "greener", I checked on it. I can recall atleast 3 times that I did this to him....I know it wasn't nice, but I was as honest as I could be with him about the way I felt.

I know the grass is not greener on the other side, per se. I realized this with "Casper" and also with the Grampa. There were things that my husband did that no one had ever done for me. Mainly putting me first. I thought that was kinda cool. There was never a night that passed that he didn't make sure I was okay before stopping by. Full of affection...I could look in his eyes and see his genuine love for me.....that was pretty awesome.....

Those were the kinds of things that made me never want to let him go......well, somehow things have changed. Now let me say this....he hasn't really just flipped the script on me, it's just obvious that his feelings have changed. The look in his eyes that I've been seeing remind me more of dislike and less love. Maybe the past few days, he's been trying to get it back, but it's definitely not the same......

I'm A Dime

Or better. This is my opinion. I feel like I'm entitled to it.

In having a conversation with my husband the other day, I told him that I'm a "catch", in my opinion. I told him the things I felt I deserved. He chuckled a little and then told me he felt like he's a "catch" as well. Although I saw nothing humorous in what I said, I stood firm with my statement and left well enough alone.

Well, this morning (like 5 days later), he said to me, "You are a catch.", referring back to the statement I had made days ago. He listed the things that he thought were my attributes, then said he would be a "fool to let me go." Really? So it's that easy. You just get to let me go if you feel like it? Wow. I didn't know that's the way it works.

He's been reminiscing lately, talking about how we "used to be". Trying to figure out how to get that ol' thing back. I wish I had the answer. One thing I know for sure that's happened is the fact that I've grown up over the years. I don't know that he has. The "old" us was me being myself, and him being the person he thought I wanted him to be.

And maybe I did want to mold him into my perfect guy....didn't take much. The "real him" is standing up now though. Tall and proud. If we can't work it together, as individuals, what's the use? Yea, I don't see one either.

And I'm not trying to sound pessimistic....there just comes a time in every relationship where you have to be for real. Lying is not really my thing...especially when it comes to me.

Why Did I Get Married?

In a previous post, I went over the reasons in my head as to why I got married. The most important reason I chose to marry that man is because he was irreplaceable....my, oh my how things change.

After a long game of cat and mouse, he won. I was with him for a little while, decided he wasn't "it', got with another guy who seemed to "fit the bill", only for him to lack the very things my hubby possessed that seemed so important to me at the time. This, in turn, always led me back to the hub. All of the guys I met during our "off" moments instantly got compared to my hub. Each time my door wasn't opened, each time I saw no "out of their way" attempt to make sure I was okay, they were compared to him.

When it came to other things, my husband didn't quite fit the bill, but some things I figured I could help him out with. He didn't have a college degree, but he had college experience. He was not wealthy like the other guys I dated, but he wasn't dead broke either. I never had to reach in my pocket for anything. For a while, I wanted him to have the money of the other guy. I made it a point to insinuate to him, the size of one of the other's houses, in order to let him know what his competition was. My husband's first home purchase was a huge deal for him. I made him feel less than because it wasn't as big as the guy I quit talking to him for. How rude of me right? I know.

He was doing the best he could. But sometimes your best just ain't good enough,right? I haven't figured that out yet. I recognized my husband's flaws, but understood that I have flaws of my own.....so why couldn't this thing work? I thought the good thing about us was the fact that there weren't any secrets. Nobody's flaws were a secret to other person. I thought that was a good thing. That way, there could be no surprises.....hmmmph....

I decided to be with him, and only him after I thought that I had thought it through. We began to talk about marriage and I picked out a few of my favorite rings. The wedding, although we weren't officially engaged, was not going to take place for atleast a year or two. Almost 5 months later, I got pregnant. I knew that laying up with him and my baby, playing "house", was not an option for me. We decided, well "we were going to get married anyway....why not?"...Bad idea.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I disagree. Hindsight has got to be something like 20/10. I see things so clear now it's crazy. I imagine that had I not become pregnant with our beautiful child, we would have had yet another issue to come up that would have showed me (again) that he and I weren't it. But that time never came. We didn't get to know each other well enough. Or maybe not that we didn't know each other, we didn't understand how critical our differences were to the other person.

So now the decision has to be made. Can we get to a point where we are on the same page, or is it a lost cause. Biblically speaking, divorce is wrong. Fine time to bring God into the equation huh?! Lol. If God were involved, we wouldn't have been doing anything to get pregnant in the first place. Such as life though, right.....

The seriously, scary thing is waking up in 10 years and realizing nothing has changed. Still waiting on God to email me and tell me exactly what to do. And I know that it's not going to happen, but it sure would be nice. Lol.

Honestly, I love my husband, and I only want the best for him, but right now it's not looking like I'm it. I know anything can happen, and I want it to, but in the meantime....

I freakin' hate not knowing what the future holds.....with a passion!!!

Crossroads

I have been wanting to blog, and not wanting to blog, for about 4 or 5 days now. Writing really is therapeutic for me...whether its pure foolishness or something juicy. I just like to write. So since I'm in need of some serious therapy, I say it's about time for me to get busy...

I have had a semi-revelation. I've come to the realization that there is a good chance that I'll be living the single life w/child before the year is over. My husband and I have quite an interesting history, one which I'll probably be sharing over time. He really is a great guy, but....yes, there is a "but", not for me....

The problem in this situation does not stem from any particular event, such as infidelity, abuse, or disrespect. The problem here is strictly incompatibility....and yea, there were some things in the beginning, actually, many things in the beginning that should have told me that this was a mismatch. I didn't listen. I guess this is a story that's way too common for a lot of married couples that end up divorced, looks like it's mine too....such as life.

I recognized that my husband and I were different early on...to the point of breaking it off with him, only to get back with him, on more than one occasion. He's night, I'm day. They say opposites attract. I disagree. Not in this case. I never intentionally tried to change the person he was. I simply "did me". In his obviously successful attempt to win me over, he did a lot of things that I chose to do. I don't think he purposely tricked me into thinking he was someone else, I think he was simply whipped and did not think logically about pursuing me the way he did.

Right now, I wouldn't describe my life/marriage as miserable.....I'm just kind of there. I don't hate him. He doesn't hate me. We are just....there. As long as there isn't anything to argue about, we don't argue. I swear, he sees apples. I clearly see oranges. It's that different. I won't take anything from him. He's a great guy......but we just (according to him, and I agree) grew up on different sides of the track. For some, this partnership could work out perfectly. Their opposites may attract. But in this case, the opposites repel! I've always told myself over and over and over again, that I wouldn't fool myself in any relationship. I refuse to live my life miserably, or mediocre for that matter. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work.

I'm hesitant in making quick decisions because I have a little girl to look out for. I have to make sure that every decision I make will be beneficial to her. Never would I stay married to my husband because we have a child.

We've been having these "come to Jesus" conversations, and right now, it's looking like the end of the road. I never pictured myself having to work out weekend visitation or "seeing daddy during spring break" conversations. And I don't see it even going there because he loves our little girl to pieces. She's truly the apple of his eye....

I honestly hope that some miracle will fall from the sky and make it all better, but my right mind tells me it's not going to happen. And I don't plan on spending the next decade miserable and waiting on a miracle.....Ugh. We'll see. And as much therapy as I need, I'm sure I'll be blogging about it.

Bulemia...

I had a bulemic thought a second ago.....

Immediately after scarfing down my footlong over roasted chicken sub, I wondered why I had eaten the entire thing...and I was thinking, if I could just undo what I've just done....but I didn't. I just won't eat anything else tonight, and I'll start fresh tomorrow with meats and veggies.....

Crap!

Facing The Truth pt 2

Okay, so as I was saying.....

Once James and I started college, signs of him being DL didn't come about for awhile. Let me just see if I can list them so this story doesn't have to be a billion posts long....

He grabbed my finger. One time, while I was giving him head, he grabbed my finger and put it in his butt. Yes, in his anal canal. I was like *gasp*. WTH!?! And I mean in an "in and out" fashion. I was flabbergasted. As a matter of fact, that may not even be the word I should use right now....but after that first time, I guess since I didn't dump him once that "dirty" act was over, he figured it was okay. That's what he wanted.....

Chatting on collegeclub. I was really good at snooping through his things (cell phone, email, phone bills, bank accounts, and yes, his collegeclub account). I don't know if anyone remembers collegeclub or not, but it was super hot back in the day ('99-'00). I found my way through his collegeclub chat history and saw that he had chatted with a gay guy. The guy was clearly gay, and although I can't remember the convo verbatim, it was easy for me to read b/w the lines. James never got inappropriate with the guy, but I think the only reason he didn't was because he wasn't sure who it was in front of the other computer. Just entertaining the guy enough for a small conversation was enough for me though...and no, I didn't break up with him then either.

Too Defensive. My freshman year in college, my roommate and I found out that our suitemate's boyfriend had been letting the gay dude on campus give him head. When I told James about my friend's boyfriend, he almost yelled at me, telling me to "STAY OUT OF THEIR BUSINESS!". That wasn't quite the response I was looking for. I thought he'd atleast ask if my friend was handling the newfound news of her boyfriend's sexual preferences okay.

I saw him looking. One weekend, we took a trip out of town with another couple. The guy, who was also his best friend, has a big butt. Like womanly. Picture the guy you know who has a juicy butt and juicy hips like a woman. Okay, we were walking into the mall, and I saw him staring at his friend's butt. So I gave him the "stink" face and asked him what he was looking at. His reply was, "T getting fat". Oh really? You're looking at his butt and thinking he's getting fat? Why does it matter to you? And no, I didn't break up with him after that either. I had my third eye on him though.

No Sex. Yea, did I forget to mention that he could do without sex? From me anyway. He loved getting head. Loved it. Like, I can't tell you how many times my jaws actually got tired from my mouth being open. I thought that was strange.

This last thing that I'm going to mention is not it. These things aren't all that he did, there were several red flags that popped up during our relationship. I wasn't sure how to approach him with my suspicions, especially after he made a point to tell me that he just felt extra comfortable with me and wanted to really show me his "freaky" side....so I never confronted him....and thankfully we broke up before we ended up married and divorced because I caught him screwing his teammate.........

Okay, so here is the absolute GAYEST thing he did...Lol!

He tasted it... Yea, he tasted his own nut. Nut, as in semen, as in sperm. OMG *vomits a little in mouth* He must have been feeling extra freaky this day. Lol. He nutted on my stomach and took his nasty tongue and licked it off. Ugh.

Who does that? Why would somebody do that? I really didn't know what to do after that. I'm usually pretty good about talking to my mom when I have a problem, but I couldn't make myself tell her that. But yea, that pretty much confirmed my suspicions. And guess what, he's in the NFL now. And guess what else, if he ever makes a great impact in the league, to the point of ESPN popularity, I may just be the one to put him on "mediatakeout" blast!! Lol. I'm halfway serious. Married now with a baby...I really wonder if he has his wife wearing a strap on....

Facing The Truth

Lucky for me, this is one truth that I don't have to face anymore...as a matter of fact, there was never a point where I really had to face it....

I have made reference to my ex a couple of times in this blog, and well, here I go again....this blog entry comes after an interesting "I'm pretty sure he's DL" conversation I had with a couple of friends/coworkers....

My ex boyfriend and I "talked" for almost a year before we made it official. It was back in ninety something ('97 I think). We were cool. Something like friends. I gotta give dude a nickname...James. Yea, James will do. Okay, so James played football. As a matter of fact, he was a star athlete (football and basketball). During our 11 month "friendship", I remember him telling me that there was a "gay dude" at school lying on all the football players, saying he'd given the popular ones head, James included. So he (pretended) to be livid about the rumor that was going around.....then some time later, I don't remember how much time had passed, but I remember he and I used to talk on the phone everyday after school. Anyway, I remember his doorbell ringing, and he said "Man, this gay dude at my door. Let me call you back." Now, let me say this, I didn't care much for James at the time. We were cool, but I didn't like him b/c he was way too arrogant. I remember telling my friend that I thought he was gay b/c of the incident with the gay dude at his door.......

Fast forward several months.......I don't know what made that whole gay scenario disappear from my right mind. I have no clue why the fall of the following year I decided to let James be my boyfriend.......

I know I'm not going to be able to post all of this story in one setting so I'll just have to break it up into parts.....

The first thing that made me give James the side eye after we were official was the fact that there was a strange guy that he hung out with sometimes. This guy, we'll call him Rob. Okay, Rob was a family friend. He was also their church member. Rob was the guy that was clearly gay (as far as I was concerned), but no one ever talked about it. It was really weird. Like no one said a thing. He was just Rob. Rob, James, and maybe 2 or 3 other strange guys would hang out, and they had these inside jokes that made me feel really uncomfortable. James even went through a "tennis playing" phase. He and Rob played tennis a few nights a week the summer before we went off to college. Now James was athletic, so I didn't really question why he just up and wanted to play tennis on a random day......

*Sidenote, I don't know what I was (not) thinking, in case you're wondering.....

Oh yea, there's something else. James told me that he and Rob were on their way back home and Rob told him that he'd had a dream he gave James head. Now what man tells another man that he had a dream of slobbing them down? None that I know either. Not a straight man anyway. As a matter of fact, I don't know any gay men that would tell a straight man that......

To be cont....

Mr. Perfect

doesn't exist. That's what my mom says. She told me, "Well, leave that one alone and go to the next one who may be worse than the one before." As true as that may be, I have to wonder about that.....

I remember having a conversation with my friend not long ago. Jen. You remember Jen. Anyway, I remember telling her that no man is perfect, as none of us women are either. In telling her the truth about the perfect man that doesn't exist, I remember giving her some examples. Her boyfriend was being rude and abusive. Disrespectful and just plain mean. I told her that although we know there is no such thing as perfection, I'd rather deal with imperfections like occasional bad breath, a small limp, a guy with one testicle, snoring, forgetting to take out the garbage, A crooked tooth, stuttering when angry, or gray pubic hairs before I accept a guy being verbally, physically, or mentally abusive towards me. That's just that.....but again, I swear some of these dudes are just extreme.....there is no minor imperfection...It's always got to be some BIG stuff! Why? And just when you think that your guy is your real life perfection, you find him in bed with his homeboy! Lol.....for real though...I didn't even touch on that problem.....geez louise......

Settling For Less?

I was thinking not too long ago....

If you were to write down the characteristics you desired in your man, and on your list you had the following things:

1. Decent looking/not obese- Notice I didn't say "fine". I didn't give specific measurements like height or weight. I didn't give a specific skin color/complexion. I didn't say nappy or wavy hair. Just decent...not fat. Okay. Next.

2. Good credit- I didn't say perfect credit. I didn't even give a specific number. I'm just saying, "good credit" meaning if we were to try and get something, both our names could go on the credit application. You know, you don't have a plethora of delinquent accounts.....

3. Educated- I didn't say Ivy League education. I just said educated. I didn't say a master's degree, or a Ph.D..... Educated. College education....

4. Decent Job- Notice I didn't say "six figga nigga". I'm saying "decent" job as in benefits. Teachers don't make a killing, but it's a career. I didn't say CEO. A job. One with insurance and retirement plans.

5. No kids?- Okay, I'll even say 1 child....that's being taken care of. Depending on the situation, we'll say 2 at the most.

6. Respectful- I'm saying....someone that doesn't disrepect you or your family/friends....I didn't say "perfect gentleman". I'm just saying respectful. I didn't even say he had to open doors all the time, although one that knows how to do so is great.

7. Faithful- OMG! Here's the tricky part huh? No. Not really. Faithful! That is simple enough. I think. Faithful, as in doesn't cheat. How hard is that?

Well, after compiling this list, which doesn't include all the other things like: funny, no pedophilic tendencies, sane, has a car....... I wonder if these 7 things are asking too much. I have considered myself 7 of the 7 things, so why is it if I'm those things, and I know many single ladies that are "those things", why is it difficult to meet the guy that matches the girl? I don't see how that's too much to ask. Like, you may win 6 of the things then BAM! He's missing something else....what's up with that? Why is it if you run into "that guy", you automatically start trying to figure out what's wrong with him? It's not that you're looking for somebody that's perfect, but just meeting somebody that's compatible on more than one level seems to be something unachievable for way too many (in my opinion).

I keep looking at that small list, and I'm tripping because things like religion and honesty weren't even factored in....seriously...would it be asking too much to want those things plus a few more? Ugh!

You Think You Know

but you have no idea.....

I've been tagged!!! Jia tagged me for 6 unknown facts about me.....ready? Go!

1. When I was about 5th grade, possibly a little younger, I had my first orgasmic experience with a vibrator. Not just any vibrator though. It was a squiggle wiggle writer. They were selling this pen at the mall in one of those "Hello Kitty" type stores and anybody who was somebody in my 4th/5th grade class had one....which meant what? I had to have one too. I begged my mom to spend $10 on that pen, which you would have thought almost sent her to bankruptcy court or something with the short lecture that came along with the purchase. Anywhoo, my pen was yellow with my name dolled up in pink on the side. I don't remember when or how I figured out that my squiggle wiggle writer would feel good ON (not in) my girlie parts, but when I did.....let's just say that the sole purpose of that pen was NOT writing. I think the last "squiggle" and "wiggle" that pen took was between my legs.....so yea, betcha didn't know that did you?! And since I see they still make them, I may just have to order another one for old times sake.

2. I was involved in a hit and run once when I was 15. I had recently been given my driver's permit and my sister let me drive her little ford escort to work......long story short, I dropped a couple of people off at home (which I didn't have permission to do) and upon backing out of the driveway, I lightly bumped a car that was parked across the street.....I sped off, never to back up without looking in all my mirrors again.

3. I have recently, almost permanently, removed foul language from my vocabulary.

4. I created this blog so that I could speak exactly what's on my mind (right or wrong) in an anonymous fashion. And only one of my friends knows that it's me. No one else I know for real even know that it exists.

5. I almost hated my mother back in the day for choosing her spouse over me and my sister. That's how I viewed it so that's how it was. I'm glad that I got over that hump because I love my mother to bits....and although I don't share those same sentiments for her husband, I tolerate him now.

6. Many days I struggle with the "good" me vs. the "bad" me.....so far, the good is winning....


Now, here are the rules:

1. LINK TO THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU
2. POST THE RULES ON YOUR BLOG
3. WRITE SIX RANDOM THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
4. TAG SIX PEOPLE AT THE END OF YOUR POST AND LINK TO THEM
5. LET EACH PERSON KNOW THEY ARE TAGGED AND LEAVE A COMMENT ON THEIR BLOG
6. LET THE TAGGER KNOW WHEN YOUR ENTRY IS UP
7. DON’T BREAK THE CHAIN (not actually a rule)

I don't have many ppl to tag, but...

I tag:

Smokie
Tracemae
Saved Girl
Good Life
Just Jasmine

A Pet Peeve

Wanna know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Hearing fat people call other fat people fat....

Like, if you're in a size 20, what gives you the right to call the lady in a 22 fat? It seriously doesn't make any sense to me.

My New BFF

I think I'm about to have a new best friend. Her name is Patience. We were pretty good friends a long time ago, but as I got older we kinda drifted apart......

In an effort to make the absolute best decisions ever, in life...I've decided to give me and Patient's friendship a new beginning....I hope it works this time...

This makes me sad....

Deserving of a separate entry of it's own....

Baby Mama Complacency?

After perusing photobucket for cute pics of weddings or rings, I just couldn't resist stopping at this cute little animated engagement ring. I've been reading a lot of blogs that mention "putting a ring on it"....however, this "Put a Ring On It" blog has less to do with a man's complacency in just dating, and more with a woman having no problem not being married before having children. Now this may seem like I'm going in a different direction about marriage and such than before, but I'm just thinking....pardon me while I do so.

First things first, I was looking at a gossip site earlier this morning that was reporting Lebron James' possibility of proposing to his children's mother. Now because I'm not a real basketball fan, I was curious about Lebron's said bust it baby. I mainly wanted to know if this was a chick he's been with for a while. Not like it's making or breaking anything in my life, I'm just nosey like that. So anyway, I find out that the young lady is his high school sweetheart. I then stumble upon this message board thread and it made me think...is this young lady selling herself short in not waiting until they are married to have his children?

Then, shortly after, I tuned into youtube and watched one of Atlantasistah's vids about T.I. and his recent baby mama drama. Now I like T.I., but I'm not a big enough fan to know all about his children and such. All I know is that he's with Tiny....I guess. Anywhoo, AtlSis suggested that women have a "ring on it" before popping out these babies. Not that being married guarantees anything, but it's probably less of a fiasco if anything legal ever comes up. And that I agree with.

Just recently I had a very short conversation with a young lady. She's about 28 or 29yrs old and the mother of 5, six including her "fiance's" child. I'm not sure how long they've been together, but I know it's been long enough for her to have a few of his children.

I always wonder what takes men so long to realize they are with the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, especially when they have been in the relationship for a lengthy period of time. And then what really sucks is when a man knocks you up, time and time again, then leaves you (and ALL the children) to be with a woman with a little less baggage...how crazy is that?! Very. And what's even crazier is that (from what I hear) it happens all the time.

So goes the old adage "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Seriously though, does this have anything to do with "free milk"? Or is it moreso women settling for less than they deserve? I don't know....

Obviously being the "baby mama" is okay for many...Fantasia did say something about making it a holiday....

A Life Without Regrets

Seriously? Don't have regrets because at one point in my life it was exactly what I wanted...hmmmm....I used to look at that cute little quote, and think to myself, "True, true." Well, it is cute. And it is true, but.....

I'll be 30yrs old in a couple of years and guess what!?! I have regrets. While I do feel like many things in my life have helped mold me into the woman I am today, some of that stuff I could have done without. Yep, I do have regrets. Maybe some ppl truly have no regrets, but I'm not one of those folks. I wouldn't be a lady that contracted HIV saying I don't regret not having safe sex. I wouldn't be someone who ran a redlight and caused an accident saying I don't regret not being a safer driver. I wouldn't. That's just me though.

So like I said, yes, I have regrets....I regret:
-Losing focus on the important stuff during my last years of grammar school
-Losing my virginity at such a young age
-Not spending more time with either of my grandparents that are now long gone
-Not following my first mind on too many occasions to think about
-Not keeping my first car a little longer before going out to buy the brand new one
-Allowing my credit card debt to exist
-Sleeping with someone's husband
-Not speaking my mind sometimes

There are more things I wish I could take back or do differently. I can't help it. Somethings I just don't think I had to actually experience for myself in order to grow from. Honestly, I'd prefer to grow some from other people's experiences....again, that's just me...

Dreams Suck

that is, when they aren't yours. I don't know how to dream someone else's dream. That's hard. If it's not my vision, then I can't see it. And then that means that my patience is probably little, to non existent.

I hope this doesn't read as bad as it sounds coming to my mind, but I wish the "dream" would either suceed or fail so the next chapter of life can begin.....

Dang...piss or get off the pot already. And again, I know that I'm feeling this way because the dream isn't mine. My dream is for the people I care about the most to have their dreams come true. I want that. Really, I do....but......my patience isn't cooperating.

Baby Daddy Drama

After reading one of Jia's blogs earlier today, I got the urge to speak my $0.02 on the subject of babies and their daddies.

It's funny because this subject has been a hot topic lately, different aspects of it anyway.

So I asked my mom about 3 days ago, "Who's to blame when a child isn't taken care of? The mom for sleeping with a loser or the dad for not taking care of his responsibility?"

Almost with no hesitation, my mom said it was the woman's fault....WOW! I almost asked her if I should blame her for my dad's "here today, gone tomorrow" tactics the last 20 years...or is it different because I wasn't born out of wedlock. I was simply born into a marriage where the couple had their share of issues until they divorced.

So this is my thing, we all know that we should be more selective in who we give the draws too, and especially who we get pregnant by, but....BUT, is it not two willing participants in the sex act? Two to tango right? Well, what's the problem? I honestly don't understand why men have the option to take care of their child.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. When children come into the picture, all that other bull has to be put aside. I was lazy before I became a mother. I also hated to get up early in the morning on my days off. Well, guess what!?! I can't lay around all day on Saturday like I could premotherhood. It's not an option. And I could not see my child's father/a.k.a my husband having an option either. If he and I weren't married, I don't see him being apart of her life as being optional. It's just not. So yea, maybe I should be thankful that I haven't had to be the crazy "baby mama". Because let me just tell you, I would. No questions asked. I would not give the dude the opportunity to not be around. And no, you don't want to force anyone to do something they don't want to do, but whatever. Remember how your mom would tell you when you were younger, "You don't have a choice"? Well, dude wouldn't have a choice.

I'm so sick and tired of these dudes squirting sperm every which way but loose, then conveniently forgetting about it. That's so not how it's supposed to be....such as life....

Keyshia, Keyshia, Keyshia....

*I don't keep up with celeb life regularly enough to blog about it, but....

Since I'm such a fan of Keyshia Cole's reality show, I have felt compelled to atleast say something about that thing she called a finale. And I also have to speak on this latest cd.

First, how do you have a season finale that you don't even appear on? Unless I missed another 30 minutes, I didn't see Keyshia one time on the finale. All I saw was Neffe, being her normal over-the-top dramatic self, getting engaged. Congratulations Neffe. Seriously. I wish you the best.*

Now Keyshia, about this cd,"A Different Me"? Yea Keyshia, that was different. Please keep in mind that you've been "mainstream" for rougly 3yrs. In your first 2 albums, I could tell that there were lots of pinned up emotions and relationship issues that you seemed to be really feeling. I enjoyed...both of those cds. Now this last one, I have yet to really listen to it. I bought it, so you got my dime, but I don't see it making any heavy rotation.

Keyshia, you've not made it to the point where you can make "happy" music and it be okay. Now everyone is calling you mini-MJB, and I can kind of see where that would come from, but Keyshia. Do you know how many hits Mary made before she started dropping the "happy" albums? You haven't made it there yet. I think Mary was in about 6 or 7 albums deep before she did a switcharoo. Now this is not to say that I don't want you to be happy in your life, but you have to think about your fans. Don't nobody want to hear that ish.........

Lol! Do you girl. Like I said, you got my dime.

Oh wait, one more thing, what's this talk about a movie? Based on what? Your life? Keyshia...please. While I don't doubt that you had a hard time, I don't know that it's movie worthy. I mean, looking at the woman that actually gave birth to you probably could warrant a film of its own, but you were adopted. Remember? I'm sure making it to where you are today has been quite a journey, but making a movie about it? That's going a little too far. Why don't you hold off a little while on the movie thing. Your time is coming sweetie, just be patient.

Where Do I Start?

I have so much stuff floating around in my head I don't know where to start. My laptop is in need of an ac adapter that I have yet to order so......

In order for me to get power on that sucker it has to be in the right spot. Picture me jerking my cord round and round trying to get the battery sign to disappear from my task bar....

So....while I'm sitting at work waiting to become busy, I guess I'll try to get some blogging done....

Happy New Year!

If what they say is true: Whatever you're doing when the new year rolls in is how you're going to spend the rest of the year......

If that shit is true, I'm in for one lazy ass year. Hell, I was asleep until eleven, and only woke up because the hubby got me up....so we could "bring in the new year" together. Okay. That was fine, but still....WTF?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad and very thankful that I have lived another year, I just....I don't know. I guess the reality of my transition into family lady is really evident at times like this. Truthfully, I could be anywhere tonight, but I just can't. I couldn't. I don't have my little angel tonight because I'm working in the a.m. I figured why not let her spend MORE time with my aunt. Lol. But yea, that being said, I could have gone out and done something, but being a mommy now just won't let me.

I don't know man. I've been laying on the couch watching old episodes of The Office. Funny show.


I don't want to reflect on 2008. I mean I do, but there haven't been enough things going on. My life has been pretty routine. Nothing has really changed with me. I'm still focused on bettering myself and my family. That's a continuous process........

Oh shit, I have learned to be more patient (which is kiling me). And I'm learning the ins and outs of marriage. Still. They say that's an ongoing process as well. Oh, I've also made it at my new job the entire year. I didn't have doubts about it, but people keep asking me am I still enjoying it like something is going to change, so I'm keeping my eyes open just in case somebody knows something I don't know.

Other than all that, I'm on a paperchase. That Jay-Z and Foxy Brown song from 1998 just popped in my head...I'm going to go to bed now...or soon............

I Know I've Said This Before

but it bothers me when people keep doing the same shit expecting different results. I had a conversation with "Jen" the other day. She was one of the ones from a much earlier post. She was with a guy who was being emotionally and physically abusive. She got up the nerve to move out (back to her mom's) and leave the dude alone.

Well, she's been "out" of the relationship maybe 2 months or so. And that may be pushing it. Anyway, she's lonely at her mom's and she doesn't feel "at home". So what did she do? She got in touch with dude. WTF?! So they've been hanging out and now she's contemplating going back.

Seriously? You did all that shit just to move back? Because you are miserable at your mom's? Wow. I don't know what to tell her. And she's actually confused about the decision she has to make. Good grief. I'm so glad my mama didn't raise a weak woman.

Her goal is to be out of her mom's house by September granted she doesn't get back with the asshole. I asked what was the main thing holding her back...money. She doesn't make enough. So what's the thing to do when you aren't making enough money? Either get a better paying job or get an additional job. Duh. That's not hard. So if you want to be out of the house in the next 8 or 9 months, then wouldn't it be wise to start looking for additional ways to make money now? That's what I was thinking......

Since my brain is only good for me, I guess I'll let her figure it out. And sadly enough, I don't think she will. Ever. I see her going back by February, and being miserable about 2 weeks after the return. I'll keep you posted. Man I hope I'm wrong about this one.

Psycho Update

Earlier this week, I posted a blog entry about a chick being content being a side piece and some dude's girl hiring a private investigator to follow their every move.

Turns out, the story was much more than fabricated. There was no private investigator. The possible marriage is still in the air, but the runner up's guy made the shit up. He created a story in order to get information out of her. What a damn dumbass!!!

And although there are 3 sides to every story, right now, hers sounds like the more believable one. This dude is psychotic to say the least....we all know he's crazy, and have known this since day 1. Now she gets to see first hand....Between the gazillion text msgs he's sending her and showing up at her mom's house to read the bible, she has to know. I just hope he doesn't go apeshit. You know dudes are flippin out these days...........

Bobby Valentino

is not someone I've ever been a fan of, but.....

When he first came out, I thought he had more of a preppy, pretty boy swag. I could be wrong, because again, I'm not a fan. But tonight, I saw him on 106 & Party....can you say borderline thug with a dollop of preppiness? Seriously Bobby? What's with this new found thugdom?

Here's the Bobby (I never liked much) that I remember:


The Bobby I saw tonight, performing on BET had his damn pants up under his ass. The only thing he was basically missing was some gold fronts. Or platinum. Whatever they're putting in their mouths these days....

Dick Clark

Anyone see this dude on his little countdown special? Now I'm no Dick(Clark) fan so I don't know exactly what health issues he suffers from, but I could see that he indeed is suffering from something....

My guess is he's had a couple of strokes or three.....He speech was slurred and he just looked like he was having a hard time. Now I know it's "Dick Clark's....", but they couldn't have gotten someone else to read off the teleprompter? I mean, he could have just been there and free of the stresses of trying to keep up with the wording. Bless his heart, he couldn't even keep up with the numbers as they counted down. I think he had to skip one to get caught up. Poor Dick. Then abc chose to ruin my appetite for the next 3 days when they showed him kissing some lady (maybe his wife)...ugh.

Anywhoo, I'm glad Dick survived another year. I promise he looked like he was pushing it...