Moving ....

Wow. It's been way too long. Soooooo I'm moving my blog to wordpress once I figure it out.

Relentless

My child's father is forever NEVER giving up. I have no desire to entertain the thought of us getting back together. Aside from the fact that he and I are NOT compatible, he's still broke. And not that money makes a difference, wait. It does. But he and I just wouldn't work. I can't get him to understand that prior to us getting divorced, we were all wrong for each other.

I love the way people create stories in their minds about events that happened. He has totally rearranged his last night as a resident in this house. He specifically told me he didn't see anything wrong with the way he had been handling things, so I specifically told him that us trying to work on the marriage was pointless.

I can't take the madness. Every couple of days, I have to tell him that we aren't going to work. And I'm certain that if his relationship with the new baby's mama were okay, he wouldn't be thinking about any kind of reconciliation with me. He has lost his mind. I sincerely hope he finds it. I have nothing for him. I haven't made it a habit to go back. This works for me. Others, not so much. Lawd I hope he and that girl get it together so he can stop with the wishful thinking. I'm over it.

Marriage Counselor

...it's what I've become. Not intentionally, and probably not because I'm the minority of the group that has been bold enough to actually be unhappy with someone and do something about it...it's probably because people trust me with information. And this is totally appropriate by the way. I can be trusted. This blog is pretty much anonymous, and I NEVER drop names :)

Anywhoo, first things first, someone I consider to be a really good friend has recently found out her husband of several years is cheating. And quite boldly might I add. Now, I immediately say (as if it's not obvious) that I'm not the one to seek for marital advice. This is because mine didn't survive. I wouldn't advise someone to just "get a divorce" because I don't like to see marriages fail. However, I understand. Ideally I would still be married to my child's father and we'd be doing the "happily ever after." Since it didn't work with him in the picture, I'm doing it all by myself. And loving every minute of it. I digress....okay, so yea, I'm not the one to be sought for marital anything. I'm no longer married. I told my friend to stick it out. Do what the Harriet Tubmans of marriage did. Tolerate bullshit. Give the kids a shot at growing up in a 2 parent home. Yada, yada, yada. I meant every word of that by the way.

Second things second, over the weekend, I found myself one of the most uncomfortable situations I've probably been in this year. I agreed to be a part of a wedding to someone I'd consider a friend (from way back), and it was just wrong. All wrong. During that evening and day of horror (read "rehearsal, ceremony, and reception"), I spoke with a girl I am familiar with, but wouldn't say we're friends. Honestly, not even associates. Definitely not enemies though. Basically what I'm trying to say is I went to school with her, but we probably only spoke to each other. Anydamnway, she told me during rehearsal about how horrible her marriage was going right now. She's been married for over 6 years, and she sounded like right now is an incredibly trying time. First of all, I couldn't believe she was telling me her business. Secondly, I didn't realize how cool the girl was. So after speaking with her about her marriage, and giving her the deets on my divorce, we came to no conclusions. I told her the same spiel I told my friend. Hang in there. Tough it out. Yada, yada, yada. And I hope she does.

Maybe the married folks of my generation do give up too quickly. I don't know. What I do know is there is something seriously wrong with society as a whole as far as the marriage bull. If people go into marriage knowing individuals aren't perfect, why is it that we expect them to be perfect? Or is it that we don't want their imperfection to be lying, cheating, and deceiving. I mean, honestly, that's my issue. I'd much rather have my guy's imperfection be something like he snores. Or farts in his sleep or some shit. NOT cheating. I'm not kidding, all of this marriage talk makes me feel like my expectations are all messed up. Why is expecting someone to be faithful unrealistic? I don't get it. Seriously. Anyway, I'm rambling. And I'm sleepy. I'm not proofreading. #POW

Misery Loves Company

Wait, let's rephrase that....some kind of way. This week, I ran across one of my old coworkers. We were both trying to grab lunch on a busy Tuesday and some kind of way we started talking about the lasagna. Lame, I know. But apparently she eats the cafeteria's lasagna "all the time" and it usually "tastes pretty good." Cool. She sold me. So in the middle of making small talk and waiting on the good ol' cafeteria guy (that's always drunk) to serve us, she mentions something about she doesn't cook. Well, neither do I, but I'm not married. And my child isn't generally hungry when we get home. Not "whip me up a meal" hungry. I digress. Anywhoo, when I worked with this lady two years ago, she was married, and had been for over 20 years. So it struck me strange for her to say she didn't cook. I cluelessly asked, "What do y'all eat?" and this is when the shit hit the fan....she looked at me dumbfounded, as if I was supposed to automatically know something, and said "Who? It's just me. I don't have a husband."

WHAT!?!!

I was completely thrown off guard and said the dumbest shit that I could have possibly said. "Gguuuurrrrlll, we should have had a partay!!!!!" Welp. She looked at me crazy and said she didn't want to party. Well excusethafuckoutta me for thinking everyone is happy about their newfound freedom. It didn't dawn on me until that moment that not everyone wants to be divorced. I'm always trying to slap somebody damn five when they get out of situations they don't need to be in. Not thinking that maybe they were the servee of the papers versus the server. I'm so oblivious to the things other people go through in their relationships sometimes. I mean seriously, how foolish of me to just assume the woman wanted to celebrate. I felt like a mortal kombat idiot. To the tenth power.

I apologized. I had to. I didn't just apologize (bc it took me a minute to get my foot out of my mouth), I almost ran her down after she paid for her food so I could say sorry. I even gave her a hug. How dare I!! Me!!! Telling this woman she should have partied with me when her husband left her for a younger woman....so they say..... That's neither here nor there, I'll react differently next time I hear of someone's tragedy. Damn.

Hot Potato

I wanted to drop her like one. A hot potato. HAHAHAHA!!! I'm serious though. I have a friend. And I use this term lightly, but we've been "friends" since 7th grade. Not on purpose, mind you. As a matter of fact, she didn't even like me at first. And I didn't do a damn thing to her ass.

Anyway, we never hung out with the same people. Ever. And honestly, we don't have a ton of stuff in common. Of course we probably could have had similar experiences at some point in time, but what teenagers don't? Doesn't mean we are one in the same.

Anyway, up to the point of why I'm just about sick of her and her attitude...about 6 months ago, I took a trip with one of my besties. This wench got mad and threw a fit, telling me how I never invite her to go anywhere....uh...oh-kay....so I'm planning a trip soon, with the same friend. I called my "friend" to see how she was doing, and this bitch has a 'tude (AGAIN) about the trip. Telling me how I never invite her to go anywhere....um...yea, I want your "Debbie downer" ass traveling cross country with me....NOT!!! Is she crazy!!??! Gotta be.

So after that last phone conversation, I decided that I was done. I don't have time for the drama every single time I talk to her. Questioning why she wasn't invited some damn where. And then she's the one that never has any money anyway. Hell NO!! Not coming. Not allowed. Not invited. Period. Well, I have you know this broad called me a couple of days ago acting like she had some sense. I don't care. I'm still not calling her anymore. If she wants to talk to me, she's going to have to call me. I'm sick of it.....

My Fake Relationship

Who ever heard of such? I hadn't. Not before I made it up. So basically, my fake relationship involves me and my "friend" that I fell in love with almost a year ago. This is the dumbest shit EVAR, I know this. Basically, what we are doing is keeping each other from moving on, but also not saying we are in a relationship. Stupid shit. Dumb shit. I seriously know this. The good/bad news is he's moving thousands of miles away in a couple of weeks. Sucks for me because I'm gonna miss him. However, maybe once he is gone, I'll be able to move on. And so will he. I type that shit with ease as if I'm ready for either one of us to move on. I'm not kidding this shit is dumb. As a matter of fact, it's so dumb, none of my friends really know the extent that we hang out or talk. Or text. I've seen this kind of thing before. Just probably not in MY very own personal life. I'm gonna miss him when he leaves. For sure. I don't think I've ever had this hard of a time moving on after a relationship. I know why it's different though. It's because of the relationship we had prior to our dating relationship. What further complicates things is the fact that we had the dating relationship. Because we obviously got much closer during the past year, which further jacks up the dynamics of our already close relationship.

He and I were the kind of friends that could go months without talking, but pick up where we left off without missing a beat. He was one of the few guys that I could call a friend, and know that he would always be respectful, regardless of any inappropriate thought he may or may not have had prior to us taking the next step in our friendship deal. Did we "date" when we were 12? Yea. Do I consider that some serious relationship of my past? No. Did I kiss him and touch his peen on the back of the bus on the way home from New Orleans? Yep. No regrets either. How about that! Lol. Even with the kiss and the rubbing of the penis, we grew older, remained friends, and were able to keep it friendly after that.....and then there was 2010.....

So I said all of that to say I have absolutely no idea how to come back from what we have developed over the past year. NO idea. At all. Not without the friendship being tainted. But maybe it's already tainted. I don't know. I just know that I never wanted to ruin what we had pre 2010. I'm preparing myself for the day of new relationships and fewer calls and texts. That's gonna be rough. I already know it. Or maybe it won't be. Maybe I'll become engulfed in schoolwork and not give two shits about what or who he's doing. We'll see.....

At least for the next 2 weeks I have a fake boyfriend. Whatever. We'll see.

What's That Ya Say?

The grass wasn't so green on the other side? Well duh. I could have told him it wouldn't be. And as in "he", I mean my child's dad. I know I've mentioned the fact that he's been hinting around at trying to get back with me. Apparently that PYT he was chasing last year isn't all he cracked her up to be. Worse off than him I hear. Which sucks. I know her car got repo'd, she's not working, and according to him, her folks are crazy. Bwwwwaaaaaaahhhhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

It's not funny. Well, it is. But it's not nice of me to laugh. So I just had to have a twenty something minute long conversation with this fool about why he and I would never work. I have to go through the whole spiel about him missing me and changing and shit. Well, what the hell ever, I'm not hearing it. I find it so hilarious that people forget the way they once felt, as if they will never feel that way again, or as if the way they felt had nothing to do with other issues. I tried my best to explain to this clown that our issues went way deeper than him not having a real job. He agreed a couple of years ago, now he acts as if he is somebody totally different. Truth be told, if he and I had had a more solid friendship within our relationship, we probably would have survived that storm. But for me, I was thinking, "dude, you can't possibly have this many negatives and be tripping. And damn sure not trying to cheat! GTFOH!" When I'm a ride or die chick for my guy, I'm really ride or die. The first fool that I fell in love with could have probably gotten away with working the front counter and Burger King, and it wouldn't have mattered. I would have let him use the car to work the late shift. I would have texted him and told him to bring me a whopper with cheese home. That kind of shit. I would have loved his dirty draws. Seriously. I never had that kind of love for the baby's dad. Never. So...sorry.

What can I say? If it's the not there, it's just not. Nothing I can do to change that. Nothing he can do either. It's just one of those things. Too bad, so sad. Anyway, I hope he finds another chick to take his mind off the possibility of us ever getting back together. And soon. Trying to explain shit to him that I've already explained is almost draining. What a marriage that would have been, had it lasted longer than 1.9 years. Ha!! Thank the Lawd for deliverance!

Why Is This News?

For the past several days, I have felt like I was on my deathbed. Ignoring calls, half responding to texts....not eating...all of that kind of stuff. My phone rings yesterday, and it's my cousin. One of the foolish ones. Because I had ignored her call days before, I decided to answer. Now let me go ahead and put this out here. Very seldom does she call me and actually want something....so why would I assume this time would be any different? I don't know what I was thinking.

This bitch is immediately singing on the other end of the phone about having some "good news" for me. She says the shit twice, and I'm like, "Damn. What is it?" I have you know this bitch called me to tell me she fucked some dude that we grew up with. I don't care. Not even a little bit. She had already exaggerated about the size of his dick, then sent me the picture of the fabricated dick, like I can't damn see. So anyway, yea, she calls me about good news of her fucking, like it's some shit I should tweet about. I could even see if this was her first time. It's not. Not even almost.

I have never been the type to want to share the explicit details of my sexual encounters with my friends. Or relatives, for that matter. But for some reason, some of my folks want to tell me about every nook and cranny their dicks hit while they are getting their backs beat out. Why the hell do people think I wanna hear this shit? I don't!!! Damn. These crazy ass bitches.

Twitter and Facebook....

are just pathways to destruction. I'm not much of a twitter/facebook stalker. Wait. Yes I am. Sometimes. But check it out. The ex (hub) follows me on twitter. I don't follow him, but clearly I get nosy sometimes. Tonight was one of those times. So I'm checking out this broke nigga's timeline, and he all talking about he out eating at Bonefish and shit. Well, I've never been one to want somebody starving, but um er ruh....nigga, don't you owe me almost a grand? Oh. Ok. That's what I was thinking. I let him have it the other day when he mentioned having to get his hair twisted so he doesn't have to start work on Monday lookin a fool. But luxury eating out and shit? When I snacked on fucking catfish nuggets courtesy of my aunt? Please. I wants my money.

And he'll do shit like pay me a little something here and there, toward his steadily rising balance, but this shit here....nope. I'll be sending him a courtesy text either NOW or tomorrow about when he plans to make his next deposit. Fuck it. I chose "NOW". And yea, it's almost midnight. I gives not one damn....okay. So he says he'll be making a deposit. He better be. I can't stand that shit. Don't owe me money and decide every damn thing else is more important than what the hell you owe me. And I hate when I have to hear, "You know I had to pay so and so." As if I don't have other shit I have to pay too. Like yea, I'll tell the people at the baby's preschool that I don't have her tuition because I had to pay the mortgage. They don't give a damn. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There Isn't Anything Wrong With Me

Except my taste in guys, obviously. Now let me preface this post by saying...I'm not some lonely chick that sits around waiting for my perfect man to show up. I'm okay with being by myself. Like 99% of the time. And then a night like tonight, when I have too much free time, that shouldn't be free, I find myself thinking way too much. It doesn't help matters much that I'm a self proclaimed music buff. I'm all about some pandora. And these songs, they just... I don't know. I don't like rap. Not enough to create a "Dr. Dre" station on 'dora, anyway. So yea, 10 times out of 10, the songs that play will have some kind of "love" undertone. Wait. Sometimes pandora will slip some shit in on you. Like seriously. I was listening to my "Tamia" station the other day. They played like 2 Tupac songs. Nearly back to back. WTF?

So yea, what I'm saying is, I don't get lonely per se, but every now and again, I reflect on relationships that didn't work out. And I can't help but tell myself, for the upteenth time, I'm awesome. The guy that ends up with me is going to be one lucky fella. I can say this with confidence because, well, shit, because I'm me. I'm cracking myself up. My worst fault is that I'm not a neat freak (read "hoarder in the making"). But hell, I can pay somebody to come clean all this shit up. And actually, one day...as I've been telling myself for the past couple of years, I'm gonna. That is one thing I'll give the ex (husband) credit for. He could clean up some shit. Hell, I know he needs some extra money. I'm thinking about decreasing his debt in exchange for an hour or 2 of his cleaning services....what? Oh. I'm just saying. Shit.

But yea, back to the post. So, you know how you see a beautiful, smart, witty, _____, _______, (insert whatever wonderful qualities in those blanks that you'd like), and she's single. Or she can't seem to keep a man? It's normal ( I guess) for one to ask, "What the hell is wrong with her?" Well, I feel like sooner or later, someone will be asking that about me. And I swear, I've already asked myself that. The answer remains the same. There's not shit wrong with me. It's these blind mofos that don't realize how awesome I am. And I'm not upset, they need to be wherever they are. That doesn't include wasting my time (or theirs). I mean yea, so what, I don't make my bed up every single time I get out of it, but shit. Is that the worst thing I could not do? I could NOT give a damn about the well being of my potential significant other, but that's not how I roll.

Whatever though. I try to take moments like these (single moments) as time for me to regroup and do whatever the hell I feel like doing. Life is good. I can't complain. I've never felt like I needed a hard leg to complete me. I'm fine loving on my child every night. We cuddle too. It's like she can smell me when I get in bed. She just eases her way right over to my neck so I can keep her safe while she sleeps. And has nightmares about things that are less scary to me...yea, me getting her out of my bed and into her own...well, that will be a totally different post in itself. :)

I Have Nothing...

(like Whitney said) better to do right now that blog. Actually, take that back. I should be asleep, but I'm not. However, I'll try to make this quick enough so that I'm sleeping in the next 37 minutes. So much dumb shit has been going on around me, it's hard to pick one particular thing to talk about.....and since I have no life (AGAIN), let's examine the likes of someone else's.

Today, we'll touch on my child's dad. I've already mentioned the fact that he has another child. Well, let's rewind a tad, to the way I found out about this poor conception. And let me clarify, the kid is really a cute kid. I mean, I held him and all. Really cute kid....okay. A few months before I found out there was a baby on the way, I noticed, let's call him child's father (CF) was acting weird. On edge....and like really stressed out. So every now and again, I asked what his problem was. Of course I got the "nothing" answer pretty much 100% of the time. Fast forward a few months. I'm on the phone with my cousin, who is still cool with CF for some unknown reason. She says to me, "I have something to tell you. And you better not say anything!!" Well, I knew it had something to do with him. I just knew it. And not only did I know THAT, I also guessed the secret. "She's pregnant?" After getting my confirmation, I yelled "I KNEW IT!!!" like 8 times. I don't know if I guessed it because I feel like he's against condoms or because of his obvious stress, but...I don't know. The kind of stressed he was only comes about if there's some kind of positive blood test, or a baby....thank God it was the latter. Ha. Wait. Not funny.

So I manage to keep this information to myself for a few weeks. Then I got my cousin to flip the shit around on him so that he would think I told her...after a little scheming, my mission was accomplished. He knew that I knew, yet waited another month to confirm it. And I'm sure he didn't want to tell me because he was embarrassed. Hell, if I were a thirty something year old dude, unable to consistently pay $500 a month for my first child, AND had another coming, I'd be ashamed too....but he finally let it out. I laughed. A lot. As he probably figured I would do. I couldn't help it though. It was funny. Look, it only took me having one child to know what to do if I didn't want anymore....

I began making jokes about once or twice a week. Told him I'd sell him some of my old baby stuff for the low. Of course he didn't find it funny. And actually, I wasn't joking when I offered him some of the stuff. I mean, I was giving him a substantial discount on top dollar shit. Damn.

So now that the baby is here...he's managed to still take care of his fatherly duties. In every aspect but finance.....sigh....and he's gonna start working that job. So...that's good, right? Oh, and not to mention he's been trying to get his ass back over here. That's another post in itself. Which I may save for next time....but yea. Two baby mamas, no job yet, no clue, NO nothing... I'm honestly just glad that he's not my "in house" problem anymore.....I think my time is up...Gotta go to bed.......

Well, I'll be...

A damn monkey's uncle. As if I don't have enough shit to be doing, I decide to get my country ass on blogger tonight. I have entirely too many updates to even attempt to get it all in tonight. And what sucks the most is if I don't blog about shit immediately, it kind of seems pointless months later.

Let's do a brief update, then I'll make an attempt to be a regular on this page again. So, first things first, my friend...the one I started dating nearly a year ago...the one I thought was so perfect for me? FAIL. We didn't make it. The good news is...I'm not angry. Also, we're still friends. So.....yea, whatever. I'm back on the market.

Secondly, my child's father has managed to father another child. Now that poor soul that was "smart" (read "dumb") enough to actually let him impregnate her, AND keep the child...well... Not that I'd push for an abortion with anyone's child, I'm just saying. While we were married, I made him use condoms, I was on the pill, AND a couple of times I bought a plan B just to make sure. Not to mention he's behind on child support. I can't with him...I just can't. He is supposed to start working a real job. Yea...I guess it took another child and being damn near too broke to put food in his mouth, or gas in his car for him to realize it. Anywho, the deets of my life's drama will be unfolding before your eyes. Not to mention, I've decided to go back to school. So yea, this is gonna be an interesting year...I look forward to dishing my dirt in a public forum again. I've missed it!!!

Relationship Ramble

Is it possible to be so used to negative things coming out of certain situations, that you don't know how to accept happiness when it finally comes your way?

The past 6 months (in my newfound relationship) have been great. Not perfect, but really good. And at times, I find myself waiting on the catch, the gotcha gotcha (as Laurieann would say). Still, no dice...I've been more places, planned more things, had more conversations than I could have ever thought possible....

I hesitate sharing my true feelings with people for a few reasons....reason numero 1) Not everyone believes in good relationships. 2) I'd rather keep the people out of my business...and 3) maybe it's because I'm not sure if I believe it myself....

I have decided (as hard as it may be) to take things a day at a time. I'm actually okay with knowing that it's indeed possible for me to truly care about someone again. I haven't been this way in close to 10 years....nope, not even my ex husband got this kind of attention from me. And that's mainly because somewhere deep down, I knew I had no business with him to begin with.

I find myself having the conversations with my new guy that I should have had with the ex...way before we got married...or in bed together for that matter. We are having the hard conversations now...and I mean hard! The kind of "hard" that can make you wonder if you'll be together once they are over. And I truly mean "conversations". No arguing, or screaming, or fighting...but the things we talk about are those things that could lead to all of those if you don't have an understanding...so I'm thankful for those.

I'm rambling...and I'm aware...so bear with me. Oh, I'm funny to myself. We have also been doing these little evaluations (my idea). I never came up with a steady interval for us to evaluate our relationship, but I think the last evaluation was at the 6 month mark. All was well...so I was told. I'm making every effort possible for us to keep an open line of communication...since I know how important that is....

I dunno...I'm tired of rambling b/c my head is starting to hurt..and I'm sure that's largely based on the fact that I have my hair pulled back in a"ducktail" and it's way too tight!! I'll be back later.

Celibacy #FAIL

Well.....that was fun while it lasted!! A whole "almost" 3 months of celibacy!! Wow...so far, I can't think of anything I've been able to hold out on.....shopping? I tell myself it's a sale, so it's not that bad....junk food? I tell myself "it's only one", so I eat it anyway....sex? The devil made me do it.

So much for that! As far as the new beau, we're still going strong...we haven't had any major pow wows...he still seems to be the person I think he is....so we'll see...

I think I'll have a few things to post in the next couple of days....I don't want to bundle it all up in one random post...

My Baggage

Okay, it's been a minute and I figured a little update wouldn't hurt...so here goes....

Well, my guy and I have been great thus far. As all relationships start off. We've had too many dates to count, and my child appears to be crazy about him. He's my equal. I think. Well, kind of. He's more of a "by the book" person. I'm more of a "whatever is convenient" person ...depending on what it is. I find his need to do things the correct way cute. He finds my need to teeter the edge equally amusing. I think. Lol...

So here lies the problem. Well, actually it's not a problem. Yes it is. Okay...I have trust issues. Big shocker, right?!! Probably not so much. I'm not used to trusting guys. It doesn't suck as much for him because I'm good at keeping my insecurities to myself. Just waiting on the second I can tell myself I was right not to trust him, but so far, I'm coming up short.

It's NOT normal to sniff through people's things. NOT normal, I say! The sad part is, I've gotten so used to doing that, it feels weird to NOT do it. WTF!!! Talk about damaged goods. He knows I'm a little damaged, but I'm not sure if he knows the extent. And it's still good for him because I refuse to let my past, good for nothing niccas ruin something for me that could be good. I'll allow it to be as good as it can be. I'll love and like freely, and do my best to act like someone who has some sense. I'll trust him until I have a reason not to. I'll try not to question anything he says if I don't have a reason. And if I think I have a reason, I'll make sure it's a good one.

On a different note, we still haven't had any sex. I will keep in mind that it hasn't even been 2 months yet, but man....this feels like the longest time EVAR!! No kidding, being a mommy sure does change things about the dating scene. "Pre-mommy" me would probably be almost a full fledge resident at his crib right about now. Hardly spending a night at my own place. I like the fact that I can't "play house" with him. It will definitely make things better later....

Well, that's all for now. Probably not, but I had written this blog last night, but lost some of the content b/c my laptop wants to be replaced...if anything else comes to mind, I'll surely write about it.

We Shall See....

Okay, so I have chosen to NOT have sex again until I'm married.....now don't get me wrong, this is, and will continue to be, a daily struggle. And it's scary too!

I started having sex almost 16 years ago....that's a long time to be in the sex game. LOL!! I'm just sayin....but seriously, the older I get, the more I feel like there has to be a better way. Now don't get me wrong, I like banging. A LOT actually, but as far as relationships go, in the beginning anyway, I just think sex complicates things. If I can be with someone that I really care about, AND get to know them on a level way deeper than sex, that would be awesome... however, it would suck to finally have sex on the wedding night or something, and it suck....

I'm faithful....in the idea that it won't suck on the wedding night. I'm not planning any wedding, but I may be planning one one day. If not, I'll just be one unbanged sister. I mean, I thought about it, and I'm totally worth the wait....why did it take me so long to get that? Never too late though, right?

I'm still not sure how far I'll go with my guy....I'm pretty sure there will be NO oral sex....maybe a little finger banging here and there.....but definitely NO penetration. I'll dry hump my vagina raw, but he won't feel my warm goodness unless he's my spouse. I brushed up against his crotch by accident...seriously, it was an accident! But um, yea....I would totally have something to look forward to...size wise.....I can't speak on anything else though...surely we would be able to work with anything else.....maybe? Hopefully....

Like I said, I have faith that if and when I'm married to someone else, if I wait...you know, and do it the "right" way, I won't be disappointed. God wouldn't do that to me, would he? Give me the strength to wait until I got married, just for the sex to be whack....Oh please God don't do that to me! Please!

I'll keep you guys posted on my journey to re-virginizing myself.....may the force be with me!

Baby Daddy Drama

You know what, it's not even drama. Not really. Only because I won't let there be. I'm sure I mentioned something about this in my last post...okay, maybe not. I just kind of checked....



Okay, I did mention the fact that I have a new guy. The ex is well aware, and now has somewhat started to grind the crap out of my nerves about how much time we are spending together (with our child).....now let me be the first to say, there is no way, in a different situation, I would have introduced my child to another guy so soon. Because I have known my guy over half of my life, I was okay with it....that's just me. No worries, there will NOT be a plethora of guys in and out of this house....so now that I've just put that out there, I'll continue...



Before me and the ex's divorce was over, we had brief conversations about dating other people and our child's involvement with whoever we may be seeing. I realize I can't control who my ex dates, nor do I want to. I can't make him mindful of who he has my child around. I can only hope and pray that the mush he has for brains will allow him to think rationally....



So we, and as in "we", I mean my baby, myself, and my guy have been hanging. Movies, dinner, Friday nights in....we've been doing these things. Well, the baby daddy ain't feeling that so much. He wants to know "how is she with him?" and "how much is she around him?". He's not asking because he's worried about her well being, he's asking because he doesn't want another guy around her more than him. Let me go back to the conversation I had with him a while back. Which, by the way, was as effective as any conversation I could have had with a rock. Or pillow cushion....I'm just sayin... But during the convo, I basically told him that it would be up to him to make sure our child keeps him close to her heart. That's not my responsibility. I told him that. Like a billion times. He either ignored me, forgot, or didn't comprehend. I can't help but think it's a combination of those things.



During a regular week, he'll see her Monday-Friday, when he picks her up to take her to the babysitter. That's about a 25 minute ride, depending on traffic. No, I'm not a passenger in the vehicle with them, but I'm pretty sure during those 25 minutes, he's listening to the radio, and NOT talking to her. Unless of course she says something that warrants a response. He'll also get her on Sundays. Now those days, he'll have her all day and sometimes overnight. This is during a "regular" week. Well, it's been a minute since the weeks have been regular. His vehicle was out of commission for several weeks. Like a really long time. So during those weeks, he couldn't come get her. Understandable. However, his phone was not cut off....so I figure he could have called. Very few days, he did. Most, he didn't.



He chose to ask me those dreaded questions again the other night. How much time are we spending with my guy? Really? I haven't figured out yet, what concern that should be of his. This time around, I ask him if he's doing ALL he can do to make sure our child keeps him on her mind vs. someone else. What does he do when I ask that simple question? You guessed it! He gets all defensive and all of a sudden, I'm coming at him "sideways". Lol....Now I'm pretty sure I didn't approach the question in an accusatory manner. I know I didn't. Because I thought it through before I said it, to make sure I didn't. But that's not what he heard. I haven't figured out yet how to communicate with him so that he understands what I'm saying. Maybe I should take it to "the street" with him......maybe he'd understand that better....I'm just sayin....



That particular day, it had been 4 days since he had talked to my angel. FOUR days! He has the number to the babysitter's house. He calls her before he gets to her house when he's dropping the baby off, so I'm positive he has the number. Therefore, he has NO excuse not to at least just talk to her....so because I know the subject is going to come up again, I have to figure out how I'll really get my point across....I've tried to stop cursing, but maybe he understands that better.... Ooooh!!! Nope! I got it! I'll put it in a rap song! BAM!



*off to write my 16 bars*

A Different Me.....

Like Keyshia Cole's last album.....in the sense that I'm drama free for the most part. So now all you guys get to read about are my sappy love stories. Lol! I'm really all about some happiness, but sometimes jaw dropping drama is just better. This means I have to give you the low down on somebody else's issues, since the biggest thorn in my side right now is my child's dad. And even he's starting to accept the fact that I've moved on.....

So let's get to it. I have this friend, I guess I can call her a friend....I met her some time in middle school. She was very sheltered, and ended becoming your normal freakazoid once she got some freedom...well, I think she was okay during our high school years. As a matter of fact, she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. I can't remember how long they were married, but I know it wasn't long. Soon after they divorced, she met up with a guy she grew up with, her soulmate was what she called him, and they married.....

Well....I honestly figured she wasn't ready for marriage (in my opinion) because she candidly told me about all the bisexual fun she'd had at her bachelorette party....fast fwd to her present/past situation. Some kind of way, she got caught up with some guy she had class with. They ended up having a relationship for an unknown period of time. Her husband found out about her loose ways, forgave her, and let her stay.....well, that was the first time around. I can't remember if she cheated again after that (with that guy), but I know she met up with someone else. The first fiasco was a while ago. The most recent was maybe a few weeks ago. Well, how's about she got caught again.....

Imagine your significant other getting a glimpse of you giving some random guy head. On video, that is. First of all, why she would record herself or allow herself to be recorded, with her phone, giving some dude head is beyond me. Like really? Did she get that caught up? Where they do that at? I'm like WOW...is she trying to get her skull cracked?!

The whole idea of getting caught cheating is crazy to me...I mean, a text message would be enough. But this dude actually had to witness that....that's crazy. I feel sorry for dude....I'm pretty sure he won't be taking her back this time around. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows....

I just found it funny that when I was going through my marital woes, she was the main person telling me how "Jesus was on the main line" and the importance of marriage, blah, blah, blah. I knew not to listen to her advice though. Why on earth would I do that! Lol! She even invited me to her church one Sunday to hear her preach her first sermon. YES, I said that. I didn't go of course....with good reason. That was when she was really into church. I almost laughed just then, but decided it would be best for me not to. It's really not funny. I'm not sure what void she's trying to fill, but I hope she figures it out soon!

Funny How Things Happen

So yea, about my new friend.....well, for starters, I had no intentions of starting any new relationships any time soon. In my mind, it would be me and the little one for a while...doing our thing...bonding and such.....well, that "planning" thing is a little funny sometimes...

This guy, my guy.....we met about 16 years ago....yea, 16 whole years ago. It was the summer before 7th grade, we met at summer camp. Back then he was the hott preppy guy, smart, nice legs....all of that. Well, needless to say, I snagged him. Yep, for one whole week, he was my guy. We sat next to each other on the bus when it was field trip time. We kissed, held hands....you know, regular 7th grade stuff. Well, I think camp lasted 4 weeks. He and I were "together" for about a week. I'm pretty sure I broke up with him once camp was over. I saw him the next summer during another camp, but we didn't hook back up. We remained friends, but that was about it. Since we didn't go to the same school, I hardly ever saw him. We'd run into each other at random places, but it wasn't often at all.

Fast forward a spell...to high school..I saw a mutual friend of ours and got his number. We started talking on the phone and did some catching up. I ended up being his date for junior prom. Senior year, we talked enough to kind of keep up with one another. Once we were out of high school, we kept in touch enough to know a little about what the other was doing......we ended up at the same college for a semester or 4 and kept in touch after that. We were always involved with someone so we kept it friendly...

Well, to make this story short, since I'm sick of typing now....we have pretty much done a lot of catching up since '06....and imagine this, just recently we were both at a point where we weren't involved with anyone, and BAM.....there it is. LOL! That's pretty much the story in a nutshell. We have decided to give each other a chance......so....I'm dating my friend. A very good friend....

Stay tuned you guys....this is going to be good.....

What's Good For The Goose....

is supposedly good for the gander, right? Well, maybe not. In my last entry, I'm pretty sure I mentioned something about my ex having a new lady friend, one with whom he was so serious with that he was contemplating moving miles away to live with her.....yea, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that......

Well, can someone please tell me why he's having such a hard time with me moving on as well.... I mean real tears and everything....WTF? Is he freakin serious? Did he honestly expect me to just sit around missing him? Surely not. I guess it doesn't help that my new guy has everything going for him that the ex didn't....his insecurity issues always did bother me...I haven't figured out what to tell him yet, and actually I'm not dwelling on it too much. He shall be okay soon enough....telling me, "He's nothing like me!"...um, yea, surely he didn't expect me to show up with someone similar to him....surely not.

Anyway, I'm rambling probably because I'm sleepy......