Perjury

Yep, it was kind of like perjury. Or at least that's what it feels like. I'm talking about the lies my husband told me over a month ago. I've been sitting here thinking, trying to reason with myself. Trying to figure out if I expect too much from someone.....I've come to the conclusion that I don't.

Thinking back to that Saturday...I asked my husband all the questions that popped into my mind. I left no room for him to "lie by omission". I made sure I was very specific in my words so there would no stone left unturned. And he lied.
Now I'm not a perfect human being. I realize no one is. I have never expected him to be perfect. I wouldn't expect anyone to be perfect. However, I do expect honesty. Surely that's not asking too much. And this wasn't even a situation where I would expect him to just confess something to me out of the blue. This is me, asking very specific questions, about very specific things and expecting a truthful answer. Didn't happen.

I don't care much for liars. And I won't say that I'm not guilty of lying. I have lied. And I'm sure I will lie again. But not when it counts. I know I may sound crazy, but my husband messed up with me because he lied when it mattered. It wouldn't have been so bad if he lied about the cost of a shirt....or lied about taking out all the trash. But lying about outside relationships? That pretty much is a big deal.

I thought about Lil Kim. She lied....and it cost her a prison sentence. I know she had some kind of "hood code" and whatnot that she goes by. But I wonder if she would tell the same lie, and serve time to honor the code. I don't know about her, but I bet if my husband had to do it over, he would have been a little more honest. And maybe not even completely (whatever that is), but I believe the conversation would have gone a little differently.

It would have been my wish for him to be honest about the way he was feeling, outside people and all, so that we could handle the situation like married adults. I would have listened. I would not have yelled, cussed, or put him out. I would have wanted us to decide right then and there what we thought was best.....but, he decided to lie....at the wrong time.....

He claims he has regrets. Well, so do I. However, I can't undo what he has done. No, the fact that he and I were already having problems is not his fault. But the fact that he chose to top it off the way he did....well, yea, that's his fault. The fact that I don't believe much that comes out of his mouth...his fault. The fact that if there was an ounce of anything left in our marriage, it's gone, yea, his fault.

I think it's so funny how people do things in the moment, then want everything to magically be better. I wish it worked that way, but clearly it does not. You don't get to hurt people, play with them when you get ready, and then think that a tear, a pout, or an "I'm sorry" is going to fix it. Not here anyway. I'm over it.

I wouldn't dare try and speak on the character of every single man in the world, but I can say this, if I have to be with a liar or cheater in order to be with someone, I'll pass. If I've never known my worth before, I sure know it now.

Men and Earrings

Anybody have an age limit for men and earrings? Is it just me or should they let them go at some point? I saw a very attractive guy last week. Well, he was attractive until I saw that earring sitting in his ear looking like the early 90s.....

1st of the Month

Well, I know I've been MIA. Not because I want to be, but because I've been sleeping. No, not the depressed sleep, the "working too much" sleep.

Just wanted to give a little "life" update. My husband and I have been having a blast. We're not really talking about reconciliation. Speaking for myself only, my goal was to get to a point of being cordial to him. I've never wanted to be the "crazy baby mama", so I figured we may as well still be able to be civil, or even nice to each other. The bad part about this is being nice can be confused with "I want to be with you". Depending on who's involved.

Fortunately, I'm the one that can separate reality from the false hope. Him, not so much. I've been much better. I'm not really harboring hateful feelings. Even though, yes, I admit that if I think about things for too long, I get angry for like 7 seconds.

I still haven't made any kind of announcement to the family yet. I would prefer to announce this like I announced my pregnancy. Kind of out of the blue and not very believable. We'll see. I'm trying to get my little cousin to help me come up with the speech. And good Lord, I don't want to hear what my grandma is going to have to say about this. I just have to make sure I don't paint him out to be some monster. I don't want my relatives giving him the "stink" face when he comes around.

He says he's going to move out on the 1st. Don't ask me why. I have NO clue. And actually, I did let him come back. Because I felt sorry for him, you know, putting him out abruptly with nowhere to go. He hasn't moved his clothes back in, which is okay. Him staying is only supposed to be temporary anyway. And I haven't been pressuring him to leave. It's his choice to leave on the first. So his mind isn't clouded with thoughts of whether we'll get back together or not. *you would think I've been speaking Japanese or something* Now whether he's going to be out in a couple of days or not is the BIG question. We'll see.....

I'm Not In Jail

although I could have very well been there a few days ago. The past couple of days have been okay. I'm calm now. I'm not picking up furniture and threatening to haul it across the room at the hubby's head. The only thing I'm battling at the moment is keeping this cold at bay.

I'm almost over this now....not in a "I forgive him, let's move on with life" kinda way, just a "I'm too blessed to be stressed" type of way. Lol. Let's go back a few days or so...

So, Monday, when I got home, all of his stuff was out like I demanded. All he really had to get were clothes. I would have double dog dared him to remove any type of furniture out of this place. It was rough though. I can't lie. It was mad akward Tuesday morning when he showed up to take the angel to her MiMi's....

Since then, we have been talking about where this thing is headed. As if it's not a given. Why does it take someone getting caught up for them to put on their "happy" face. Don't put your best foot forward now. You should have been doing that a little while ago. Yep, now I see that look of genuine love in his eyes when he looks at me. I'm sure. It didn't feel so hot sleeping on a random piece of furniture Monday night, huh? Yea, I have let him crash at the house since then because I felt sorry for him. And yea, I know, he didn't feel sorry for me when he was being untrustworthy......so these sleeping arrangements don't change anything.

It's my goal that he and I can come to a really great understanding, then we can let it go. If we can get over this hump, I think it will be better for us as parents for little mama. I don't wish to hate my child's father. As a matter of fact, I would love to have a great deal of love and respect for him. Obviously that won't happen with Monday's turn of events playing in my head. So yea, we have to get over that.

It's funny because I'm really not mad anymore. Yea, it happened AND it sucks! But, just like a week or two ago, I was begging for something to happen so I would know what it is I should be doing. I wanted the crap to "hit the fan". It did. Can we move on to the next chapter now please?

If You Go Looking.....

If you look for something, you're going to find it. Really? I'm going to find something that I shouldn't find just because I looked for it? I doubt it. I've never really agreed with that saying. Mainly because I've been known to snoop a time or two. I don't make it a practice now, but back in the day? Baaaabaaay....I was the private eye of the South.

I honestly feel like if there's nothing to be found, then that's that. You find nothing.........

The above text was written Saturday when I felt like blogging, but I never got a chance to finish the entry....well, the irony of this post's continuation is crazy. And to finish what I was saying above, I feel like if I look in your closet and find no skeletons, its because you have none. If someone decides to dig up dirt on me, if they find dirt, it's because I have it. Not just because they looked.....

Fast forward to this morning...
On a normal weekday morning, the hub gets up before me and the baby. After his shower, she's normally awake, and he feeds her breakfast. Well, this morning while they were downstairs, I noticed his cellular sitting on the bedside table, basically begging me to take a peek. Seriously, like Blue's Clues, glowing and all, begging to be looked at.....

I couldn't deny that little cheap phone. I just couldn't. I looked through the call history and saw nothing that meant anything to me. Just normal phone calls. Next stop, text messages. Inbox first. I came across this red flag of a message first: Well go fuck then. That message was from his homeboy. Immediately, my heart started racing and I could feel the rage waking up just in case I needed it. Then I saw a message that said something about washing his ass. Both of these messages from his homeboy. I had to go to the sent messages to get both sides of the conversation.....Sent messages. RED DAMN FLAG MESSAGE: I'm trying to get some ass. Next message reads: I might smell like badussy when I get there.

Baaaabaaaaay....rage woke up. I thought I was going to break my neck getting down those stairs. Long story short, he should be gone by the time I get home......
Things are somewhat of a blur to me right now. I remember me doing a lot of yelling and cussing like I was in the street. I remember not going upside his head because my child was standing there....all she wanted was her oatmeal and apples.....she saved her dad's ass this morning. Really. She did. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my temper is bad at times. When angry enough, I don't remember that I'm not as strong as a man. And I don't care.

There was a lot of pacing back and forth. My fists have been balled up almost all morning. I really wanted to physically hurt him this morning...but I didn't. I told him to go. Right then. Then I remembered that I hadn't gotten up early enough to get my baby to her MiMi's house and still be on time for work....so I told him to feed her, take her to the sitter, then come back and pack up.....

Yea, I got an explanation about the girl he was going to go screw. Not that it matters....not that I believe anything he tells me about the situation. Of course he claims it didn't happen. Well, it should have. Remember I worked that night. All night. I don't know what happened. I don't care. I don't have time......so yea, this was my confirmation.

I rattled my brain all yesterday and last night trying to figure it out.....
I'm not blaming his alleged "2 month, never been physical, but definitely flirtacious and in my opinion obviously emotional" relationship on the demise of ours. No, I'm not doing that. He and I were wrong from the start. I realize that. What pisses me off more than anything is the fact that I have given him opportunity after opportunity to be for real. I asked him, specifically, if he was attracted to anyone else. Saturday, it was "no". Monday morning, it's "I told you I had an attraction to someone else".

Nigga please. My memory isn't as good as it used to be, but I wouldn't forget that. I really hate the fact that my last impression of him is him "trying to get some ass" from some girl he met at the club. Seriously.....like, in the middle of my rage, I asked him if she lived alone. He said no....
I'm like, you dumb ass nigga, so you can't even go stay with her.......

She doesn't do anything. I'm not surprised. That's why he and I can't, and wouldn't work. I'm a different breed from what he likes.....

So yea, whether he got ass Saturday or not...who cares at this point? I know what I was doing Saturday night....working the last 12 hours of 115. I don't have time. So basically, our relationship went from "possibly able to be worked on" to "not a chance" with the touch of a button....

And after him crying and apologizing and probaly feeling like an idiot, I still don't care. You see, when you lack as many things as he lacks, there is no room for that kind of bull. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do before this morning. And he's probably still not sure. That's what I'm here for....the spouse is supposed to be a helpmate, right? Well, I helped him make his decision. No need to hold on to something that isn't there.

And as for that bull about if you look for it, you'll find it? Damn right. I looked, I found, and now I can move on....

Saturdays

must be the worst now. I don't know. It just seems that way. Something about the weekend brings about too much free time. Although I just worked a few hours and I'm going back later tonight, there's still too much time.

Now I'm sitting here, typing through tears, trying to figure out what to do.

Earlier this morning, my hubby and I had another conversation about "us". After he basically forced his mind to want to do me, we had to talk. It was too obvious, as it has been lately. So in this conversation, we're basically examining issues AGAIN and it's the same thing.

Finally, after asking him very specific questions, he tells me his "heart isn't in it". Well, duh. I knew that. I've been knowing that for awhile now. And actually, I could say that I somewhat feel the same way. For some reason, actually hearing those words is a little different from me just thinking them. Nonetheless, it's the way he feels. Pretty much the way I feel. He said "You know how it is when you can't picture yourself without somebody? Well, that's not how it is for me". I could have bet my savings on that too. And again, that's pretty much the way I feel. I don't understand why it's so different coming out. But it is.

Now my eyes burn, my nose is running even more, and I don't know how I'm going to keep my eyes from swelling shut while I sleep...you know, so when I go back to work, I won't have to answer any "what's wrong?" questions. I hate it when ppl ask me that. I digress.

Oh, and did I mention the fact that my head is pounding? Well, my head is pounding. Oh, and my heart hurts. And it's strange. It's not really a "broken heart" hurt, it's just a "big girl making decisions" kind of hurt. Well, wait, maybe my heart is broken. But he didn't break it. Circumstances have broken it. The fact that my little angel is affected by my "big girl decisions" is what really breaks it. The fact that her mommy has made (what looks like) a bad decision or two is what breaks it. Although I still don't know what's going to happen, the thought of what could happen is enough.

Back to this morning. Before today, I told my hub that I really didn't want to do the whole separation thing. I always thought that if we were going to work it out, then we work it out. What's the need for separation? However, after hearing the things he had to say this morn....
What he said, or what I understood him to say, was that his mind tells him that we need to work this out. His heart, however, tells him there's nothing. He doesn't want to follow his heart, divorce, and then wake up and realize he made the biggest mistake of his life. Yea, that would suck for him because I'm not really a fan of "wishy washy" husbands. When it's done, it's done. So yea, I would say that this is a decision that needs to be made carefully.

Anywhoo....that's been the first 5 hours of my day. It has to get better, right? Hope so.
I had to go back to the 80s today!

Why

did I decide to work 2 shifts today? I'll regret this in the morning. I'm pretty sure of it.

Dead Computer

My computer is dead...so that's why I can't post like I want to. Besides the fact that there is absolutely NOThING exciting going on right now.....

The part I need for my computer is out of stock. How convenient. It's hard blogging at work with phones ringing and people talking. Ugh!

For The Record

I know that from my last few posts, I'm probaly painting the picture of some pathetic and miserable wife. I just want you guys to know that I'm okay. =)

Aside from not knowing which direction I'm headed in, I'm fine. I still laugh all day and all that stuff. I'm not in that dark place...just for the record. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like drama, or being in limbo, but it doesn't consume my every thought!!

I still got my mind on my money and my money on my mind!! On another note, anybody watch The Office? That is some funny ish! And Sunday's episode had me crying! Like even the first 3 minutes (or longer) were hilarious!



I hope to have positive updates soon (as far as the married life goes). We'll see.

My Negativity

What a negative Saturday it's become....not for much longer though.....

If it appears that I'm not sounding so optimistic about my relationship, let me tell you why. Months ago, when I could tell we were headed downward, I suggested we get some good Christian counseling. We went to our pastor. Nothing successful happened. Nothing came out during that session that we didn't already know.

I was so gung ho on working on this marriage. All about the vows....well, my husband had more of a "this ain't goin to work" attitude. Eventually I stopped being so optimistic about us. You know how you have hope for something for so long, only for it to be shot down, eventually it doesn't matter. That's how it's been for me anyway. I guess there's been a bit of a role reversal. First I was pushing for it, he wasn't. I stopped pushing, he started. I haven't been able to make myself hop back on the positive bandwagon just yet.

No sex for me. Did I mention this? We have sex about as much as an old married couple, maybe even less. My husband is an emotional creature. It's been obvious that he's not attracted to me like he used to be. And I'm sure it's because of our distance. I've never been with a guy that didn't want to screw...mad or not, they'll take a piece. Well, apparently not all men.

Imagine being rejected by your spouse time and time again. This is probably a separate entry as well. But with all the stressors of our marriage, he hasn't really wanted to have sex. We have done it, but it's definitely not regular. I feel like my mom is having more sex than I am. So of course, I'm going through all these thoughts in my head. I'm like, okay, if you're not screwing me, who are you screwing? Whether he has or not, I'm sure I'll never know. But I do know that I'm not used to be rejected. Not a great feeling, let me tell you. I thought all I had to do was tell him I wanted more, and he would give it to me....well, not really. We do it when he feels like it. I don't plan on having the conversation with him anymore.

Picture the toy you wanted the most growing up. You wanted it for your birthday, didn't get it. You wanted it for Christmas, didn't get it......well, when you finally get the gift, your enthusiasm is zero. Well, that's how sex is with me now. I tried, time after time again, only to be turned down, so now when we do it, I enjoy the moment, but afterwards....its whatever. I don't initiate it anymore, and I could care less if we do it.............on a positive side, he did tell me he's been wanting to do it, but since my period was on we haven't done it. We've had sex once since then, I think it was Wednesay morning. We'll see how that aspect of the relationship changes....

I don't know how to go back to the positive me. I don't know how to get over all the times he told me it wasn't going to work. Or all the times he moved my hand away from him, showing his lack of interest.

I've been in other relationships, none of which were perfect, but we still enjoyed ourselves when things were good. I just found out yesterday, my husband thought we were good b/c we haven't been arguing. I disagreed. Being quiet doesn't mean it's all good. It simply means that one person, or the other is bottling up true feelings. If us making it means someone will be miserable, at the expense of someone else's happiness, I'll pass.

As of right now, we don't have a common place to enjoy each other when we aren't disagreeing. As you can see, not even in the bedroom. Our only joy is our little one. If we can find a common interest, then maybe we'll be okay....

Dear God,
I've been waiting to hear from you. I don't know if you know it or not, but I have a new email address. It's completelymissunderstood@gmail.com. I only want to do the right thing. I know I'm supposed to be patient, but Lord.............this is hard. You gave me common sense, but right now, I'm not trusting my own judgement. Trusting my judgement is what got me into this situation in the first place. Can you please holla at your girl when you get a minute. I'll be checking that email every 5 minutes until I hear from you. Oh, and God, I do want you to know that I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for everything that my husband is, and I want to better understand the things he is not. I want to be the wife I'm supposed to be, but if that means standing outside on the corner, passing out beat cds, I don't really see how that's going to happen. I know that only you know. If he needs me to be that ride or die chick, that's going to hang out with 2 Crucial and nem at the show, Lord, that's not the person I am. I'm not the mother who's going to encourage my little girl to spend excessive amounts of time with her thuglife uncle, or her grandmom and great aunts that don't mind fighting each other. I can't do that Lord. I don't imagine you would want me to. Anywhoo,I'm trusting you to guide me in the right direction.

Love you,
Your baffled child

Greener Grass

Smokie, let me see if I can somewhat answer your question.

A few times during me and the hub's "dating" stage, I left him alone because I thought the grass was greener on the other side....well, not so much. I always kept my options open because I wasn't ready to settle down. I was still in school and had not too long before gotten out of serious relationship.

When I say we were on and off, we really were on and off. When something appeared "greener", I checked on it. I can recall atleast 3 times that I did this to him....I know it wasn't nice, but I was as honest as I could be with him about the way I felt.

I know the grass is not greener on the other side, per se. I realized this with "Casper" and also with the Grampa. There were things that my husband did that no one had ever done for me. Mainly putting me first. I thought that was kinda cool. There was never a night that passed that he didn't make sure I was okay before stopping by. Full of affection...I could look in his eyes and see his genuine love for me.....that was pretty awesome.....

Those were the kinds of things that made me never want to let him go......well, somehow things have changed. Now let me say this....he hasn't really just flipped the script on me, it's just obvious that his feelings have changed. The look in his eyes that I've been seeing remind me more of dislike and less love. Maybe the past few days, he's been trying to get it back, but it's definitely not the same......