My Flaws...

What flaws? I'm pretty sure I'm flawfree. Okay, not really, but going through this whole divorce process has forced me to look at the "man in the mirror" (R.I.P. MJ). LOL!! Seriously though, I have done a little bit of self reflecting and honestly, I'm drawing a blank. Besides the fact that I'm always right, potentially selfish, NOT domestic, stubborn, and just an outright asshole, I couldn't find anything wrong.

I had no idea this divorce would be so emotionally draining on me. And most of it comes from someone else's emotions. I remember feeling relieved once I had left the lawyer's office...now, not so much. "I'll do whatever I need to" is what I was told a few days ago. What exactly does that mean? As if he could possibly be someone other than who he is.....boy, if it were only that simple. I love the way he thinks everything is going to magically be better. Like now all of a sudden the things he was unhappy about won't matter anymore. Sure they won't. I bet they wouldn't matter for at least 4 or 5 months. Hell, maybe even like 8 months. Who knows? I don't. What I do know is the issues that we have had in the past won't just go away.

Some days my head hurts just from reading a text that he sends. And a whole live conversation? Man, talk about frustrating. I've always felt like I had communication skills....well, I'm still convinced that when I speak, some people hear Latin or maybe French. I mean, maybe I am actually saying something that I don't know I'm saying, but for some reason I doubt it. Ugh....I don't know. I'll just be glad when it's over.

Marrying the Mob

My cousin "Tina" called me the other day to get some reception ideas. Yep, she has decided to go ahead and marry "Ike". He's going to make an honest woman out of her. I wasn't sure if I should congratulate her or not, so I didn't. I simply gave her a suggestion and that was that. After all, who am I to question why she would want to marry someone that kicks her ass every couple of years? Maybe their relationship is bigger than that. I bet those beatings are so few and far between that she doesn't even think about them until I call her Rihanna. Yea, it's not like I scored a "pass" in Marriage 101. It's strange though, because I got an "A" in Marriage and the Family. My teacher was pret-ty impressed with me. Hmmm.....

I've not ever had to deal with domestic abuse, but I'm pretty sure I heard it gets worse after marriage. And maybe she thinks that since she's been shacked up with him for that past couple of years playing house that it's the same. I have got to figure out how to approach this so I have no guilty feelings when he beats her to sleep again can say I "did my part". On the flip side, is it really my business? Of course it is, she's my little cousin. I love her dearly. She's kind of like the little sister I would have disowned never had. I'll just mention it again....ask her if she's okay being married to someone who could potentially abuse her on a daily basis. She's a dumbass tough girl, I'm sure she'll say she's fine with it. Man I hope his "Chris Brown" spells don't become a regular thing. That domestic violence thing is nothing to take lightly. Man I would hate for something to happen to her.......

My Life

is just that. It's life. I can't complain, although at times I feel like it. Going through this whole divorce thing hasn't been as bad as I thought. I guess some days are a little worse than others. I think it would be much easier to deal with if me and the "ex" weren't still banging randomly were on the same page...as far as preparing for our lives independently.

I don't think I'll ever understand why people sometimes don't get the urge to get on the good foot until it's basically too late. For months and months prior to our separation, I feel like I tried. No, I didn't give it "my all", but I pretended to tried. And speaking of "giving it your all", why do people advise that? "You fight until you can't fight no more." "Give it all you got before you throw the towel in." What the hell kind of advice is that? What's left for me if I "fight until I can't fight no more"? I'm not Einstein or anything, but that sounds like it would leave me drained and bitter. I would much rather fight right up to the round that borders enemy ground. That way I can say that I gave it all I could before I ended up hating him. Yea, I like that much better.

I'm not sure how much longer until everything is final, but I really can't wait for that phone call. One of my friends suggested that I have a "divorce" party. Sounds like a plan to me. I just don't want the ex to get wind of it and show up shooting and get the wrong idea. I can see how that has the potential to be hurtful. As cold and heartless as he claims I am, he would probably expect it. I tried to explain to him that I care, I just deal with things differently. No since in crying over spilled milk, right? That's what I say. Hell, I cried enough during the marriage. I'm pretty much all cried out. I think. Wait, I did pretend to have a semi breakdown the other day. I do get sad that I pretty much sucked at staying married, despite the mental promise I made to our child. I'm pretty sure she'll wonder how we ended up together in the first place understand when she gets older.

Anywhoo, just had to do a little entry for general purposes. My life is probably about to get interesting though. I'm definitely excited to see who's what's in store!

Dear Sahel,

I have no words....................



I hope you're happy now. Surely the afterlife is not nearly as bad as paying two car notes and being heartbroken. Hold up though, how the hell you let somebody co-sign for a vehicle you can't afford? And please tell me you weren't banging a millionaire for shits and giggles. For real? All you got were a few trips and a truck note?



You rock.

Dear Steve,

I can't say that I have a whole lot for you right now. Although I know you aren't physically able to be of any comfort to your wife, your boys, your mom, or your brothers right now, I know you're sorry.

I realize that if you had known that the young lady you decided to acquaint yourself with had homicidal/suicidal tendencies, you probably would have gone for one of her coworkers. I won't chastise you about any of the events that took place b/c if you've heard it once, you've heard it a million times.

If we could turn back the hands of time huh? I'm sure you were a good guy Steve. Seriously. I just hate that you never grew out of some of your other ways. Although I don't know the circumstances of your relationship with Mechelle, I do know that it couldn't have been that bad. Not "death" bad. I also don't believe that your "friend" was worth your life.

I remember watching you play at Alcorn back in maybe '93. I remember singing that song "Hand Him the Heisman" and really wanting them to "hand it to you". That last game I saw you play in was good. I can't remember if y'all were playing JSU or not, but you did your thing. I remember seeing Mechelle that day, all dressed up in her Golden Girl attire. She was even more beautiful back then. If she could have forseen the future, I wonder if she would have taken the same road with a different approach.

I have no idea where your head was when you passed over, but I sure hope that you woke up at the pearly gates. Actually, I hope they let you in. None of us are perfect, I know that. Sometimes other people get to work on their flaws, or maybe some of us grow out of our immature ways, you just didn't have that chance.

If I could have chosen a way for you to go, you would have died alone. If you just had to die. I mean, we all know about your drinking problem. Being in an accident because you were driving drunk would have been a much better look. But none of us really get to choose the way we go. Well, your little friend did, but sane people don't take that route so she doesn't count.

We'll miss you man. I hope wherever you are, you are at peace.

Yours truly,

~me

Dear Mechelle,

The last time I saw you was several years ago...you, your mom, and the baby were out eating. I spoke briefly and walked away thinking y'all "had it made". Boy, that had to be at least 5 or 6 years ago......

I'm writing you this letter because although I haven't seen you in that long, I've thought of you every single day since the 4th. My heart hurts for you and those babies. Although I haven't physically shed a "wet" tear, my heart has indeed been crying.

I can't imagine what emotions you must be feeling, and honestly I can't say that I'd want to. I am so sorry that things have ended this way. In normal situations, we (women) at least have the opportunity to confront our spouses about their indiscretions. We can at least beat their asses until they wished they were gone....we can choose to say "enough is enough" and divorce them, then watch them suffer as we "clean them out". You don't have that chance. You weren't given the satisfaction of kicking Steve's ass one more time, or even that broad's ass for that matter. And don't get me wrong, I know that's not your thing, but still. They say that the ones who hurt you are (sometimes) the ones that make you feel better......well? I'm not sure how this goes.....

Everyone from the "hometown" knows what kinda man Steve was. We all know all the good he did for the community, but we also know somebody, who knows somebody that Steve "tried to talk to" or that Steve "was fuckin". Still, that wasn't the first thing that came to mind when someone said his name. But now, now it's a different story.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you all had, but I just imagine you were too preoccupied doing other things rather than exert energy trying to keep up with the women that Steve entertained when he wasn't home. I don't know how that works. I, myself am a big time snooper, but hey, whatever works for you.

I don't see you publicly speaking about this ever, seeing as though you were never the kind of NFL wife that liked the spotlight. Surely you don't want it now. How ironic, huh? People were googling you like crazy last week. Hopefully this will all die down soon and you'll be able to have your life back to yourself. Take care. Kiss your mama for me, she was always one of my favs....

Sincerest regards,

~me

USHER!!!!!!

Wait for me dog! Yea, that's right. I'm right behind you!! LOL!!!

I finally got my "dee" paperwork done. Signatures and everything, and it's going down. Now all I do is wait. I'm not sure how long the process is going to take, but I do know that it has been much better on me now that the ball is rolling.

Mentally I've been going through it the past month or so. I have finally decided to look at things for what they are. That helped me make the final decision. I tried to cry a few nights ago. Unsuccessful. Maybe later. Or maybe not. No biggie. I just feel like I'm supposed to be sad. And truthfully, there is something very sad about this situation, but for the sake of my sanity, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not really sure now what I have in store, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure I make my mom really proud. After all, if it were up to her, I'd stay married forever, in spite of the bull I have to deal with. No, and thank you! It will be fine. At least if I ever get back into the dating scene I'll be able to share fun stories with you all. I'm pretty sure it won't be any time soon. Maybe like 16 years from now, when my child is out of the house. Until then, it shall be me and mini-me!

Staying Power Revisited

"A lot of marriages with that 'staying power' can boast 30+ years of marriage, etc....but at what cost." - Saved Girl

OMG!!!! That is sooooooooooooo true. Like, really. My grandparents were married well over 5o years. 12 kids, 11 together, 1 outside kid (per grandmother), atleast 2 outside kids (per granddad), many nights of my grandfather being "out in the street" doing his thing, grandma trying to prove that she's still "got it" with the other man.....the list goes on. Staying power. Remember?

I love my mother....to bits and pieces.....but I'm not kidding, she sure knows how to not make sense sometimes. And you wouldn't believe that my mom is a smart woman. Three degrees and all, she says some dumb ish sometimes.

I remember when me and the hub first separated. My mom gave me this long spill about how she stayed with my dad and gave it her all until she couldn't do it anymore. WTH!? I'm sure she couldn't do it. Hell, he had permanently jacked up her finger, blacked her eyes, and there was the mistress my mom almost ended up boxing in the store.

Why on earth would anyone encourage someone to be disrepected until they just can't handle it anymore? Why? I'm so sorry. I'm over it. Yea, I'm not really in the mood for being without "me" after a decade of being dogged out. And I refuse to believe that all those ppl stayed in those marriages strictly b/c of the bible. Yes, I know what the bible says. I know. I get it. However, do I believe that my grandmother would have stayed with my granddad if she were able to support 12 children on her own? If she didn't need him to drive her around? I doubt it. Folks are always quick to talk about the bible being the reason to stay married, but I still feel like people have their own agenda. Maybe not ALL of the people, but I do feel like majority do.

And I'm talking about when it's bad, not when there is a healthy relationship. Whether it's financial reasons, stability reasons, status reasons, the need for a "family" reasons, deep down I don't think the promise to God tops the list of "why they stay".

I know I'm rambling again. And it's clearly my bedtime so I'll just say this. I'd rather be married for 4 good years and divorced, than be married for 40 + years of some good, mostly bad. I just can't.

Going to bed now........

Sleepy Thoughts

I should be in bed right now, but I'm obviously not...for whatever reason. Probably because I'm determined to "workout" a little everyday and it just so happens the munchkin didn't fall asleep as early as she could have.

Anywhoo, I was speaking with a coworker this morning about men. In general. Actually, she told me about the hell her ex-husband had put her through prior to their divorce. I told her NOTHING about the semi-hell my soon to be ex has put me through. I didn't see it necessary.

I'm having a hard time understanding this whole "man" thing. And honestly, I can't say that it is my lifelong goal to figure it out. I'm sure I'd die trying. I'm not one to jump on the "all men are dogs" bandwagon, but many of the ones I know are. Doesn't mean anything though. Right? I don't know ALL men. I do know a good number though....

Although I can hesitantly admit that I do still have scar tissue from my previous long term relationship (before the marriage), I can also admit that I didn't enter any new relationship expecting the worse. Everyone gets a fair shot. Kinda like this class I took in college. "Everyone will start out with a 100% grade avg. in this class." That's what the professor said on day 1. I remember getting so excited when he said that. I don't know why, but it just sounded good. Then the professor went on to say that it was up to us to maintain our 100%. Made perfect sense to me....

Well, I always give anyone I'm dealing with 100% from the beginning. Regardless of what the odds are, I'm always hopeful. Well, so far, no good. No one has been able to maintain that "passing grade". Did I say I remained at 100%? Nah. Surely not. But you know how teachers always give you break downs of which tests weigh the most. I'm pretty sure I did good where it counted. Oh well.......maybe the next guy will prove my "not all guys are dogs" theory right. I'm still hopeful.......

Staying Power

Well....

I was talking to my aunt today. I guess somewhere along the way, either she heard through the grapevine, or she noticed my empty ring finger. However it went, she's figured out my marriage is on the edge....of like the nastiest cliff ever. Anyway, she made the statement to me "Y'all young girls don't put up with bullshit. See, women like me and your momma, we inherited staying power."

Well damn. Staying power, huh? Nope. Don't got it. Don't want it. My mother was married to my father for maybe 12 or 13 years. I can't remember exactly how long. What I do remember though, are the black eyes, the arguing, oh, and that child my dad made with his mistress during those years. And trust me when I say none of those things mentioned happened during the last year of their marriage.

Is that what staying power is? The power to stay with a man who makes it a habit to be disrespectful to you and your relationship with him? The ability to put up with bullshit? I don't want it. Seriously. There are soooooo many things I learned from my mom. Things which I am grateful for. However, there are some things that I wouldn't dare wish I'd inherited. That thing called "staying power" is one of them. Screw that!

Decisions, decisions.

Just for the sake of keeping you guys updated with me and all my drama.....



Okay, the hub and I are still pretty much in limbo. It's funny to me how getting "caught up" makes someone want to "do right". Why is that? I don't get it. I was trying to do the right thing and make an attempt to save this thing called marriage. Well, today I'm not so sure about it. I say this because I remember the time leading up to our "supposed" separation. I had been fasting and praying, and fasting and praying. I remember the night before, I asked God what in the world was I supposed to do? I asked, "What's the problem here?". Well, that very next morning, I feel like I got my answer. I feel like I was shown clearly, the kind of person I married and the things he's capable of doing. So it's like I've been given the information, and what I decide to do with it is on me.



I was driving home today thinking, I should let it go. After all, I got my answer. I don't know if this is one of those "neither one of us wants to say goodbye" type deals or not, but either way, it's getting old.....



Decisions, decisions. Ugh.