Dear Mechelle,

The last time I saw you was several years ago...you, your mom, and the baby were out eating. I spoke briefly and walked away thinking y'all "had it made". Boy, that had to be at least 5 or 6 years ago......

I'm writing you this letter because although I haven't seen you in that long, I've thought of you every single day since the 4th. My heart hurts for you and those babies. Although I haven't physically shed a "wet" tear, my heart has indeed been crying.

I can't imagine what emotions you must be feeling, and honestly I can't say that I'd want to. I am so sorry that things have ended this way. In normal situations, we (women) at least have the opportunity to confront our spouses about their indiscretions. We can at least beat their asses until they wished they were gone....we can choose to say "enough is enough" and divorce them, then watch them suffer as we "clean them out". You don't have that chance. You weren't given the satisfaction of kicking Steve's ass one more time, or even that broad's ass for that matter. And don't get me wrong, I know that's not your thing, but still. They say that the ones who hurt you are (sometimes) the ones that make you feel better......well? I'm not sure how this goes.....

Everyone from the "hometown" knows what kinda man Steve was. We all know all the good he did for the community, but we also know somebody, who knows somebody that Steve "tried to talk to" or that Steve "was fuckin". Still, that wasn't the first thing that came to mind when someone said his name. But now, now it's a different story.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you all had, but I just imagine you were too preoccupied doing other things rather than exert energy trying to keep up with the women that Steve entertained when he wasn't home. I don't know how that works. I, myself am a big time snooper, but hey, whatever works for you.

I don't see you publicly speaking about this ever, seeing as though you were never the kind of NFL wife that liked the spotlight. Surely you don't want it now. How ironic, huh? People were googling you like crazy last week. Hopefully this will all die down soon and you'll be able to have your life back to yourself. Take care. Kiss your mama for me, she was always one of my favs....

Sincerest regards,

~me

USHER!!!!!!

Wait for me dog! Yea, that's right. I'm right behind you!! LOL!!!

I finally got my "dee" paperwork done. Signatures and everything, and it's going down. Now all I do is wait. I'm not sure how long the process is going to take, but I do know that it has been much better on me now that the ball is rolling.

Mentally I've been going through it the past month or so. I have finally decided to look at things for what they are. That helped me make the final decision. I tried to cry a few nights ago. Unsuccessful. Maybe later. Or maybe not. No biggie. I just feel like I'm supposed to be sad. And truthfully, there is something very sad about this situation, but for the sake of my sanity, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not really sure now what I have in store, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure I make my mom really proud. After all, if it were up to her, I'd stay married forever, in spite of the bull I have to deal with. No, and thank you! It will be fine. At least if I ever get back into the dating scene I'll be able to share fun stories with you all. I'm pretty sure it won't be any time soon. Maybe like 16 years from now, when my child is out of the house. Until then, it shall be me and mini-me!

Staying Power Revisited

"A lot of marriages with that 'staying power' can boast 30+ years of marriage, etc....but at what cost." - Saved Girl

OMG!!!! That is sooooooooooooo true. Like, really. My grandparents were married well over 5o years. 12 kids, 11 together, 1 outside kid (per grandmother), atleast 2 outside kids (per granddad), many nights of my grandfather being "out in the street" doing his thing, grandma trying to prove that she's still "got it" with the other man.....the list goes on. Staying power. Remember?

I love my mother....to bits and pieces.....but I'm not kidding, she sure knows how to not make sense sometimes. And you wouldn't believe that my mom is a smart woman. Three degrees and all, she says some dumb ish sometimes.

I remember when me and the hub first separated. My mom gave me this long spill about how she stayed with my dad and gave it her all until she couldn't do it anymore. WTH!? I'm sure she couldn't do it. Hell, he had permanently jacked up her finger, blacked her eyes, and there was the mistress my mom almost ended up boxing in the store.

Why on earth would anyone encourage someone to be disrepected until they just can't handle it anymore? Why? I'm so sorry. I'm over it. Yea, I'm not really in the mood for being without "me" after a decade of being dogged out. And I refuse to believe that all those ppl stayed in those marriages strictly b/c of the bible. Yes, I know what the bible says. I know. I get it. However, do I believe that my grandmother would have stayed with my granddad if she were able to support 12 children on her own? If she didn't need him to drive her around? I doubt it. Folks are always quick to talk about the bible being the reason to stay married, but I still feel like people have their own agenda. Maybe not ALL of the people, but I do feel like majority do.

And I'm talking about when it's bad, not when there is a healthy relationship. Whether it's financial reasons, stability reasons, status reasons, the need for a "family" reasons, deep down I don't think the promise to God tops the list of "why they stay".

I know I'm rambling again. And it's clearly my bedtime so I'll just say this. I'd rather be married for 4 good years and divorced, than be married for 40 + years of some good, mostly bad. I just can't.

Going to bed now........

Sleepy Thoughts

I should be in bed right now, but I'm obviously not...for whatever reason. Probably because I'm determined to "workout" a little everyday and it just so happens the munchkin didn't fall asleep as early as she could have.

Anywhoo, I was speaking with a coworker this morning about men. In general. Actually, she told me about the hell her ex-husband had put her through prior to their divorce. I told her NOTHING about the semi-hell my soon to be ex has put me through. I didn't see it necessary.

I'm having a hard time understanding this whole "man" thing. And honestly, I can't say that it is my lifelong goal to figure it out. I'm sure I'd die trying. I'm not one to jump on the "all men are dogs" bandwagon, but many of the ones I know are. Doesn't mean anything though. Right? I don't know ALL men. I do know a good number though....

Although I can hesitantly admit that I do still have scar tissue from my previous long term relationship (before the marriage), I can also admit that I didn't enter any new relationship expecting the worse. Everyone gets a fair shot. Kinda like this class I took in college. "Everyone will start out with a 100% grade avg. in this class." That's what the professor said on day 1. I remember getting so excited when he said that. I don't know why, but it just sounded good. Then the professor went on to say that it was up to us to maintain our 100%. Made perfect sense to me....

Well, I always give anyone I'm dealing with 100% from the beginning. Regardless of what the odds are, I'm always hopeful. Well, so far, no good. No one has been able to maintain that "passing grade". Did I say I remained at 100%? Nah. Surely not. But you know how teachers always give you break downs of which tests weigh the most. I'm pretty sure I did good where it counted. Oh well.......maybe the next guy will prove my "not all guys are dogs" theory right. I'm still hopeful.......

Staying Power

Well....

I was talking to my aunt today. I guess somewhere along the way, either she heard through the grapevine, or she noticed my empty ring finger. However it went, she's figured out my marriage is on the edge....of like the nastiest cliff ever. Anyway, she made the statement to me "Y'all young girls don't put up with bullshit. See, women like me and your momma, we inherited staying power."

Well damn. Staying power, huh? Nope. Don't got it. Don't want it. My mother was married to my father for maybe 12 or 13 years. I can't remember exactly how long. What I do remember though, are the black eyes, the arguing, oh, and that child my dad made with his mistress during those years. And trust me when I say none of those things mentioned happened during the last year of their marriage.

Is that what staying power is? The power to stay with a man who makes it a habit to be disrespectful to you and your relationship with him? The ability to put up with bullshit? I don't want it. Seriously. There are soooooo many things I learned from my mom. Things which I am grateful for. However, there are some things that I wouldn't dare wish I'd inherited. That thing called "staying power" is one of them. Screw that!

Decisions, decisions.

Just for the sake of keeping you guys updated with me and all my drama.....



Okay, the hub and I are still pretty much in limbo. It's funny to me how getting "caught up" makes someone want to "do right". Why is that? I don't get it. I was trying to do the right thing and make an attempt to save this thing called marriage. Well, today I'm not so sure about it. I say this because I remember the time leading up to our "supposed" separation. I had been fasting and praying, and fasting and praying. I remember the night before, I asked God what in the world was I supposed to do? I asked, "What's the problem here?". Well, that very next morning, I feel like I got my answer. I feel like I was shown clearly, the kind of person I married and the things he's capable of doing. So it's like I've been given the information, and what I decide to do with it is on me.



I was driving home today thinking, I should let it go. After all, I got my answer. I don't know if this is one of those "neither one of us wants to say goodbye" type deals or not, but either way, it's getting old.....



Decisions, decisions. Ugh.

Piss

or get off the pot. That's what I need to do. That's what "we" need to do. Of course me and the hub have been going through for months now. As sure as I was about everything, just months ago, there's obviously something in me that's not. Not yet. I was told by one of my friends that once I "get the ball rollin" it would be okay. Well, just as soon as I can put the ball on the ground, I guess all will be well.

In an attempt to not throw in the towel without at least "trying", I told the hub about the issues I had with everything. Hell, I even told him to tell me what he wasn't pleased with in my department. Well, some things can be "worked" on. Some things, I guess not. So with all that, I get to make a decision huh? I thought so. Still not as easy as I had hoped. And it pretty much sucks to be honest.

Saved Girl tagged me. Hey girl!!!!

The rules are: (1)use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.(2)they have to be real....nothing made up! if the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers.(3)you cannot use any word twice and you cant use your name for the boy/girl question.(4)dont google youranswers.(5)make it as interesting and fun as you can.



1. What is your name: Missy? (for blog purposes I'll go with that)
2. A four letter word: make
3. A boy's name: Mike
4. A girl's name: Mary
5. An occupation: maid
6. A color: magenta
7. Something you'll wear: moo moo?
8. A food: mashed potatoes
9. Something found in the bathroom: musk? (not really.Lol)
10. A place: Maryland
11. A reason for being late: mess
12. Something you'd shout: "MAMAAAA"
13. A movie title: Mac and Me
14. Something you'd drink: Minute Maid Orange
15. A musical group: Men at Large
16. An animal: monkey
17. A street name: Manhattan Blvd
18. A type of car: Mercedes Benz SL 500 (one of my favs)
19. The title of a song: Me and My Girlfriend (the one Pac did)



I have no one to tag. I've been out of blogworld too long to come back tagging ppl!!

Life....

is just that. Life. Lately I've been busy. Thinking and such. I should really be back to blogging soon.....with updates. Lots of updates. Maybe not "lots", but a few.

Perjury

Yep, it was kind of like perjury. Or at least that's what it feels like. I'm talking about the lies my husband told me over a month ago. I've been sitting here thinking, trying to reason with myself. Trying to figure out if I expect too much from someone.....I've come to the conclusion that I don't.

Thinking back to that Saturday...I asked my husband all the questions that popped into my mind. I left no room for him to "lie by omission". I made sure I was very specific in my words so there would no stone left unturned. And he lied.
Now I'm not a perfect human being. I realize no one is. I have never expected him to be perfect. I wouldn't expect anyone to be perfect. However, I do expect honesty. Surely that's not asking too much. And this wasn't even a situation where I would expect him to just confess something to me out of the blue. This is me, asking very specific questions, about very specific things and expecting a truthful answer. Didn't happen.

I don't care much for liars. And I won't say that I'm not guilty of lying. I have lied. And I'm sure I will lie again. But not when it counts. I know I may sound crazy, but my husband messed up with me because he lied when it mattered. It wouldn't have been so bad if he lied about the cost of a shirt....or lied about taking out all the trash. But lying about outside relationships? That pretty much is a big deal.

I thought about Lil Kim. She lied....and it cost her a prison sentence. I know she had some kind of "hood code" and whatnot that she goes by. But I wonder if she would tell the same lie, and serve time to honor the code. I don't know about her, but I bet if my husband had to do it over, he would have been a little more honest. And maybe not even completely (whatever that is), but I believe the conversation would have gone a little differently.

It would have been my wish for him to be honest about the way he was feeling, outside people and all, so that we could handle the situation like married adults. I would have listened. I would not have yelled, cussed, or put him out. I would have wanted us to decide right then and there what we thought was best.....but, he decided to lie....at the wrong time.....

He claims he has regrets. Well, so do I. However, I can't undo what he has done. No, the fact that he and I were already having problems is not his fault. But the fact that he chose to top it off the way he did....well, yea, that's his fault. The fact that I don't believe much that comes out of his mouth...his fault. The fact that if there was an ounce of anything left in our marriage, it's gone, yea, his fault.

I think it's so funny how people do things in the moment, then want everything to magically be better. I wish it worked that way, but clearly it does not. You don't get to hurt people, play with them when you get ready, and then think that a tear, a pout, or an "I'm sorry" is going to fix it. Not here anyway. I'm over it.

I wouldn't dare try and speak on the character of every single man in the world, but I can say this, if I have to be with a liar or cheater in order to be with someone, I'll pass. If I've never known my worth before, I sure know it now.

Men and Earrings

Anybody have an age limit for men and earrings? Is it just me or should they let them go at some point? I saw a very attractive guy last week. Well, he was attractive until I saw that earring sitting in his ear looking like the early 90s.....