My Baggage

Okay, it's been a minute and I figured a little update wouldn't hurt...so here goes....

Well, my guy and I have been great thus far. As all relationships start off. We've had too many dates to count, and my child appears to be crazy about him. He's my equal. I think. Well, kind of. He's more of a "by the book" person. I'm more of a "whatever is convenient" person ...depending on what it is. I find his need to do things the correct way cute. He finds my need to teeter the edge equally amusing. I think. Lol...

So here lies the problem. Well, actually it's not a problem. Yes it is. Okay...I have trust issues. Big shocker, right?!! Probably not so much. I'm not used to trusting guys. It doesn't suck as much for him because I'm good at keeping my insecurities to myself. Just waiting on the second I can tell myself I was right not to trust him, but so far, I'm coming up short.

It's NOT normal to sniff through people's things. NOT normal, I say! The sad part is, I've gotten so used to doing that, it feels weird to NOT do it. WTF!!! Talk about damaged goods. He knows I'm a little damaged, but I'm not sure if he knows the extent. And it's still good for him because I refuse to let my past, good for nothing niccas ruin something for me that could be good. I'll allow it to be as good as it can be. I'll love and like freely, and do my best to act like someone who has some sense. I'll trust him until I have a reason not to. I'll try not to question anything he says if I don't have a reason. And if I think I have a reason, I'll make sure it's a good one.

On a different note, we still haven't had any sex. I will keep in mind that it hasn't even been 2 months yet, but man....this feels like the longest time EVAR!! No kidding, being a mommy sure does change things about the dating scene. "Pre-mommy" me would probably be almost a full fledge resident at his crib right about now. Hardly spending a night at my own place. I like the fact that I can't "play house" with him. It will definitely make things better later....

Well, that's all for now. Probably not, but I had written this blog last night, but lost some of the content b/c my laptop wants to be replaced...if anything else comes to mind, I'll surely write about it.

We Shall See....

Okay, so I have chosen to NOT have sex again until I'm married.....now don't get me wrong, this is, and will continue to be, a daily struggle. And it's scary too!

I started having sex almost 16 years ago....that's a long time to be in the sex game. LOL!! I'm just sayin....but seriously, the older I get, the more I feel like there has to be a better way. Now don't get me wrong, I like banging. A LOT actually, but as far as relationships go, in the beginning anyway, I just think sex complicates things. If I can be with someone that I really care about, AND get to know them on a level way deeper than sex, that would be awesome... however, it would suck to finally have sex on the wedding night or something, and it suck....

I'm faithful....in the idea that it won't suck on the wedding night. I'm not planning any wedding, but I may be planning one one day. If not, I'll just be one unbanged sister. I mean, I thought about it, and I'm totally worth the wait....why did it take me so long to get that? Never too late though, right?

I'm still not sure how far I'll go with my guy....I'm pretty sure there will be NO oral sex....maybe a little finger banging here and there.....but definitely NO penetration. I'll dry hump my vagina raw, but he won't feel my warm goodness unless he's my spouse. I brushed up against his crotch by accident...seriously, it was an accident! But um, yea....I would totally have something to look forward to...size wise.....I can't speak on anything else though...surely we would be able to work with anything else.....maybe? Hopefully....

Like I said, I have faith that if and when I'm married to someone else, if I wait...you know, and do it the "right" way, I won't be disappointed. God wouldn't do that to me, would he? Give me the strength to wait until I got married, just for the sex to be whack....Oh please God don't do that to me! Please!

I'll keep you guys posted on my journey to re-virginizing myself.....may the force be with me!

Baby Daddy Drama

You know what, it's not even drama. Not really. Only because I won't let there be. I'm sure I mentioned something about this in my last post...okay, maybe not. I just kind of checked....



Okay, I did mention the fact that I have a new guy. The ex is well aware, and now has somewhat started to grind the crap out of my nerves about how much time we are spending together (with our child).....now let me be the first to say, there is no way, in a different situation, I would have introduced my child to another guy so soon. Because I have known my guy over half of my life, I was okay with it....that's just me. No worries, there will NOT be a plethora of guys in and out of this house....so now that I've just put that out there, I'll continue...



Before me and the ex's divorce was over, we had brief conversations about dating other people and our child's involvement with whoever we may be seeing. I realize I can't control who my ex dates, nor do I want to. I can't make him mindful of who he has my child around. I can only hope and pray that the mush he has for brains will allow him to think rationally....



So we, and as in "we", I mean my baby, myself, and my guy have been hanging. Movies, dinner, Friday nights in....we've been doing these things. Well, the baby daddy ain't feeling that so much. He wants to know "how is she with him?" and "how much is she around him?". He's not asking because he's worried about her well being, he's asking because he doesn't want another guy around her more than him. Let me go back to the conversation I had with him a while back. Which, by the way, was as effective as any conversation I could have had with a rock. Or pillow cushion....I'm just sayin... But during the convo, I basically told him that it would be up to him to make sure our child keeps him close to her heart. That's not my responsibility. I told him that. Like a billion times. He either ignored me, forgot, or didn't comprehend. I can't help but think it's a combination of those things.



During a regular week, he'll see her Monday-Friday, when he picks her up to take her to the babysitter. That's about a 25 minute ride, depending on traffic. No, I'm not a passenger in the vehicle with them, but I'm pretty sure during those 25 minutes, he's listening to the radio, and NOT talking to her. Unless of course she says something that warrants a response. He'll also get her on Sundays. Now those days, he'll have her all day and sometimes overnight. This is during a "regular" week. Well, it's been a minute since the weeks have been regular. His vehicle was out of commission for several weeks. Like a really long time. So during those weeks, he couldn't come get her. Understandable. However, his phone was not cut off....so I figure he could have called. Very few days, he did. Most, he didn't.



He chose to ask me those dreaded questions again the other night. How much time are we spending with my guy? Really? I haven't figured out yet, what concern that should be of his. This time around, I ask him if he's doing ALL he can do to make sure our child keeps him on her mind vs. someone else. What does he do when I ask that simple question? You guessed it! He gets all defensive and all of a sudden, I'm coming at him "sideways". Lol....Now I'm pretty sure I didn't approach the question in an accusatory manner. I know I didn't. Because I thought it through before I said it, to make sure I didn't. But that's not what he heard. I haven't figured out yet how to communicate with him so that he understands what I'm saying. Maybe I should take it to "the street" with him......maybe he'd understand that better....I'm just sayin....



That particular day, it had been 4 days since he had talked to my angel. FOUR days! He has the number to the babysitter's house. He calls her before he gets to her house when he's dropping the baby off, so I'm positive he has the number. Therefore, he has NO excuse not to at least just talk to her....so because I know the subject is going to come up again, I have to figure out how I'll really get my point across....I've tried to stop cursing, but maybe he understands that better.... Ooooh!!! Nope! I got it! I'll put it in a rap song! BAM!



*off to write my 16 bars*

A Different Me.....

Like Keyshia Cole's last album.....in the sense that I'm drama free for the most part. So now all you guys get to read about are my sappy love stories. Lol! I'm really all about some happiness, but sometimes jaw dropping drama is just better. This means I have to give you the low down on somebody else's issues, since the biggest thorn in my side right now is my child's dad. And even he's starting to accept the fact that I've moved on.....

So let's get to it. I have this friend, I guess I can call her a friend....I met her some time in middle school. She was very sheltered, and ended becoming your normal freakazoid once she got some freedom...well, I think she was okay during our high school years. As a matter of fact, she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. I can't remember how long they were married, but I know it wasn't long. Soon after they divorced, she met up with a guy she grew up with, her soulmate was what she called him, and they married.....

Well....I honestly figured she wasn't ready for marriage (in my opinion) because she candidly told me about all the bisexual fun she'd had at her bachelorette party....fast fwd to her present/past situation. Some kind of way, she got caught up with some guy she had class with. They ended up having a relationship for an unknown period of time. Her husband found out about her loose ways, forgave her, and let her stay.....well, that was the first time around. I can't remember if she cheated again after that (with that guy), but I know she met up with someone else. The first fiasco was a while ago. The most recent was maybe a few weeks ago. Well, how's about she got caught again.....

Imagine your significant other getting a glimpse of you giving some random guy head. On video, that is. First of all, why she would record herself or allow herself to be recorded, with her phone, giving some dude head is beyond me. Like really? Did she get that caught up? Where they do that at? I'm like WOW...is she trying to get her skull cracked?!

The whole idea of getting caught cheating is crazy to me...I mean, a text message would be enough. But this dude actually had to witness that....that's crazy. I feel sorry for dude....I'm pretty sure he won't be taking her back this time around. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows....

I just found it funny that when I was going through my marital woes, she was the main person telling me how "Jesus was on the main line" and the importance of marriage, blah, blah, blah. I knew not to listen to her advice though. Why on earth would I do that! Lol! She even invited me to her church one Sunday to hear her preach her first sermon. YES, I said that. I didn't go of course....with good reason. That was when she was really into church. I almost laughed just then, but decided it would be best for me not to. It's really not funny. I'm not sure what void she's trying to fill, but I hope she figures it out soon!

Funny How Things Happen

So yea, about my new friend.....well, for starters, I had no intentions of starting any new relationships any time soon. In my mind, it would be me and the little one for a while...doing our thing...bonding and such.....well, that "planning" thing is a little funny sometimes...

This guy, my guy.....we met about 16 years ago....yea, 16 whole years ago. It was the summer before 7th grade, we met at summer camp. Back then he was the hott preppy guy, smart, nice legs....all of that. Well, needless to say, I snagged him. Yep, for one whole week, he was my guy. We sat next to each other on the bus when it was field trip time. We kissed, held hands....you know, regular 7th grade stuff. Well, I think camp lasted 4 weeks. He and I were "together" for about a week. I'm pretty sure I broke up with him once camp was over. I saw him the next summer during another camp, but we didn't hook back up. We remained friends, but that was about it. Since we didn't go to the same school, I hardly ever saw him. We'd run into each other at random places, but it wasn't often at all.

Fast forward a spell...to high school..I saw a mutual friend of ours and got his number. We started talking on the phone and did some catching up. I ended up being his date for junior prom. Senior year, we talked enough to kind of keep up with one another. Once we were out of high school, we kept in touch enough to know a little about what the other was doing......we ended up at the same college for a semester or 4 and kept in touch after that. We were always involved with someone so we kept it friendly...

Well, to make this story short, since I'm sick of typing now....we have pretty much done a lot of catching up since '06....and imagine this, just recently we were both at a point where we weren't involved with anyone, and BAM.....there it is. LOL! That's pretty much the story in a nutshell. We have decided to give each other a chance......so....I'm dating my friend. A very good friend....

Stay tuned you guys....this is going to be good.....

What's Good For The Goose....

is supposedly good for the gander, right? Well, maybe not. In my last entry, I'm pretty sure I mentioned something about my ex having a new lady friend, one with whom he was so serious with that he was contemplating moving miles away to live with her.....yea, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that......

Well, can someone please tell me why he's having such a hard time with me moving on as well.... I mean real tears and everything....WTF? Is he freakin serious? Did he honestly expect me to just sit around missing him? Surely not. I guess it doesn't help that my new guy has everything going for him that the ex didn't....his insecurity issues always did bother me...I haven't figured out what to tell him yet, and actually I'm not dwelling on it too much. He shall be okay soon enough....telling me, "He's nothing like me!"...um, yea, surely he didn't expect me to show up with someone similar to him....surely not.

Anyway, I'm rambling probably because I'm sleepy......

Meanwhile, Back in Babymamaville.......

I know I'm a little late with the "New Year" wishes and all, but hey, better late than never, right? I'm so behind on the blogs, I'll just have to do a quick update, then stay on top of it.

First things first, I'm free!!! Yep, I'm a free agent again. The divorce was final back in November. Close to one week after my last entry. I had no idea it would be that soon. I called the law office on a Monday to tell the lady they could proceed. She called me back that Friday to tell me it was done with. Imagine my surprise and excitement! I truly felt like a burden had been lifted. There has been nothing, as of yet, to make me regret that decision.

It's funny how you truly see people for what/who they are once you remove yourself from a situation. I had been with a "man", who for years, has sacrificed relationship after relationship, for his love of music. Wow. It's that serious. Well, for his sake, I hope he gets everything he needs from it.

On another note, let me just throw in the fact that before our divorce was final, he met another young lady. She happens to live out of town. Well, guess what news I received recently.....yep, he's contemplating moving out of town. Yep again. With his new boo. Now keep in mind, his reasoning is strictly for his music...because this city is up and coming in the music scene...yada, yada, yada.....basically, as far as I'm concerned, he's thinking about moving away for new pussy. And maybe something will happen with his music while he's there. At first I was pretty upset, mainly because I think that's the first step of abandonment (where the child is concerned), but it took me about 24 hours to get over it. At this point, I don't care what he does. He's not my problem and he doesn't have to be our child's problem either. I would like to hope that he realizes the strain that will put on his relationship with her, but I kinda don't think he does. And at this point, I doubt if he even cares. Of course he says he does, but that's what people are supposed to say. For me it's about his actions to back it up.....we'll see....

That's all for now. I'll return sooner than later!!!

Life's Updates.....

Let me do a quick recap on life's changes over the past several months....

So I clearly should be divorced by now....but I'm not. I actually should have been finally divorced back in September, but something happened. I had a husband that told me he would do "whatever he had to do" to make it work. I figured I hadn't done all I could to make it work either, so why not......

Well, let me tell you why not. For starters, he moved back in....that lasted all of 2 months, which brings us to the point we're at now. Three weeks before the divorce was going to be final, I called the law office and told them to hold off. The lady kindly told me I had 365 days to go on with the proceedings before the case would be thrown out. After he got back, things were fine for a spell, and then I started having flashbacks.....I know, I know.....I shouldn't dwell on the past. Well, guess what?!!?! I wasn't. The reason I was having flashbacks is because I was seeing the same behaviors in him that I saw a year ago, which had us at that point in the first place.

Now I know people don't change overnight. I really do know that. But for me, it was about knowing someone had the desire to change. He didn't. Not for himself anyway. And what good was it going to do him to make adjustments strictly for me. That never works. It would be like me having a problem with a fat person, and them only wanting to lose weight to satisfy me. I'd rather not have that kind of pressure on somebody.

I get that no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean don't strive to be better. And if you don't feel like there's room for improvement, nor do you have the desire to make any, what's the point?

I just decided that I wouldn't wait another year for him to show me the same person I've already seen......and I hate when people say "I'll do whatever it takes", when clearly there should be some kind of clause....like say, "I'll do whatever it takes, except"....................

Ugh.

Stroke Mine!!

Okay, so I have a problem. I have taken many classes throughout the years. Many. And while I don't profess to remember every.single.thing from those classes, I have a little knowledge. I mean hey, I still remember that song, Fifty Nifty United States , and I learned that way back when. I'm just saying.....

Even in life's lessons, some things have not come easy for me. One class in particular that I was not fortunate enough to take was Ego Strokin 101. And while in previous years, I have stroked an ego or two, I realized later that it really wasn't worth my effort. It only made for overconfident men (boys) who were not in touch with reality. Simply put, those bamas just run out. And yes, I did say "bamas". I hear the older women around me say things like, "Girl, you know men need their egos stroked!" Well, you know what? I need my damn ego stroked too. If I allow myself to "stroke an ego" that clearly is not deserving of any stroking, that could easily be a recipe for disaster.

Now while I don't think it's okay to bruise one's ego, I'm all about being for real. I can't allow myself to lie or pretend, just so a grown man can feel good about himself. Who woulda ever thought men could be so sensitive and needy. So clearly I need some help.....because one day I'm sure I'll be in another relationship.....and maybe it won't be so hard. That's if the guy is doing something worthy of the strokin......

Another Friday Night....

At home alone. Well, not alone for real. My little sidekick is here with me, but she's asleep. AND I can't talk noise with her so....

It's been fifty leven years since my last real entry, so let me just explain why. Kind of. A couple of months ago, I ended up telling my soon to be ex about my blog. Not on purpose though. My email associated with this blog was up, blah, blah, blah...Well, that somewhat took away from the whole "me" in my anonymous blog. And even though I didn't direct him to the page, and he didn't actually see the page, it still took away from it. When I originally started this blog, it was supposed to be my thing. The things that I want to blog about, or the things that I have blogged about in the past aren't necessarily things he would want to know about. And that's another reason why I was doing it. MY outlet. Ya know?

It's been an interesting few months for the fam... I guess those escapades deserve entries of their own.............

Too Long!

It's been entirely too long since I've blogged. Like seriously. I'm back though. Not literally right this minute, but really soon. Lots of updates!