Why Is This News?

For the past several days, I have felt like I was on my deathbed. Ignoring calls, half responding to texts....not eating...all of that kind of stuff. My phone rings yesterday, and it's my cousin. One of the foolish ones. Because I had ignored her call days before, I decided to answer. Now let me go ahead and put this out here. Very seldom does she call me and actually want something....so why would I assume this time would be any different? I don't know what I was thinking.

This bitch is immediately singing on the other end of the phone about having some "good news" for me. She says the shit twice, and I'm like, "Damn. What is it?" I have you know this bitch called me to tell me she fucked some dude that we grew up with. I don't care. Not even a little bit. She had already exaggerated about the size of his dick, then sent me the picture of the fabricated dick, like I can't damn see. So anyway, yea, she calls me about good news of her fucking, like it's some shit I should tweet about. I could even see if this was her first time. It's not. Not even almost.

I have never been the type to want to share the explicit details of my sexual encounters with my friends. Or relatives, for that matter. But for some reason, some of my folks want to tell me about every nook and cranny their dicks hit while they are getting their backs beat out. Why the hell do people think I wanna hear this shit? I don't!!! Damn. These crazy ass bitches.

Twitter and Facebook....

are just pathways to destruction. I'm not much of a twitter/facebook stalker. Wait. Yes I am. Sometimes. But check it out. The ex (hub) follows me on twitter. I don't follow him, but clearly I get nosy sometimes. Tonight was one of those times. So I'm checking out this broke nigga's timeline, and he all talking about he out eating at Bonefish and shit. Well, I've never been one to want somebody starving, but um er ruh....nigga, don't you owe me almost a grand? Oh. Ok. That's what I was thinking. I let him have it the other day when he mentioned having to get his hair twisted so he doesn't have to start work on Monday lookin a fool. But luxury eating out and shit? When I snacked on fucking catfish nuggets courtesy of my aunt? Please. I wants my money.

And he'll do shit like pay me a little something here and there, toward his steadily rising balance, but this shit here....nope. I'll be sending him a courtesy text either NOW or tomorrow about when he plans to make his next deposit. Fuck it. I chose "NOW". And yea, it's almost midnight. I gives not one damn....okay. So he says he'll be making a deposit. He better be. I can't stand that shit. Don't owe me money and decide every damn thing else is more important than what the hell you owe me. And I hate when I have to hear, "You know I had to pay so and so." As if I don't have other shit I have to pay too. Like yea, I'll tell the people at the baby's preschool that I don't have her tuition because I had to pay the mortgage. They don't give a damn. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There Isn't Anything Wrong With Me

Except my taste in guys, obviously. Now let me preface this post by saying...I'm not some lonely chick that sits around waiting for my perfect man to show up. I'm okay with being by myself. Like 99% of the time. And then a night like tonight, when I have too much free time, that shouldn't be free, I find myself thinking way too much. It doesn't help matters much that I'm a self proclaimed music buff. I'm all about some pandora. And these songs, they just... I don't know. I don't like rap. Not enough to create a "Dr. Dre" station on 'dora, anyway. So yea, 10 times out of 10, the songs that play will have some kind of "love" undertone. Wait. Sometimes pandora will slip some shit in on you. Like seriously. I was listening to my "Tamia" station the other day. They played like 2 Tupac songs. Nearly back to back. WTF?

So yea, what I'm saying is, I don't get lonely per se, but every now and again, I reflect on relationships that didn't work out. And I can't help but tell myself, for the upteenth time, I'm awesome. The guy that ends up with me is going to be one lucky fella. I can say this with confidence because, well, shit, because I'm me. I'm cracking myself up. My worst fault is that I'm not a neat freak (read "hoarder in the making"). But hell, I can pay somebody to come clean all this shit up. And actually, one day...as I've been telling myself for the past couple of years, I'm gonna. That is one thing I'll give the ex (husband) credit for. He could clean up some shit. Hell, I know he needs some extra money. I'm thinking about decreasing his debt in exchange for an hour or 2 of his cleaning services....what? Oh. I'm just saying. Shit.

But yea, back to the post. So, you know how you see a beautiful, smart, witty, _____, _______, (insert whatever wonderful qualities in those blanks that you'd like), and she's single. Or she can't seem to keep a man? It's normal ( I guess) for one to ask, "What the hell is wrong with her?" Well, I feel like sooner or later, someone will be asking that about me. And I swear, I've already asked myself that. The answer remains the same. There's not shit wrong with me. It's these blind mofos that don't realize how awesome I am. And I'm not upset, they need to be wherever they are. That doesn't include wasting my time (or theirs). I mean yea, so what, I don't make my bed up every single time I get out of it, but shit. Is that the worst thing I could not do? I could NOT give a damn about the well being of my potential significant other, but that's not how I roll.

Whatever though. I try to take moments like these (single moments) as time for me to regroup and do whatever the hell I feel like doing. Life is good. I can't complain. I've never felt like I needed a hard leg to complete me. I'm fine loving on my child every night. We cuddle too. It's like she can smell me when I get in bed. She just eases her way right over to my neck so I can keep her safe while she sleeps. And has nightmares about things that are less scary to me...yea, me getting her out of my bed and into her own...well, that will be a totally different post in itself. :)

I Have Nothing...

(like Whitney said) better to do right now that blog. Actually, take that back. I should be asleep, but I'm not. However, I'll try to make this quick enough so that I'm sleeping in the next 37 minutes. So much dumb shit has been going on around me, it's hard to pick one particular thing to talk about.....and since I have no life (AGAIN), let's examine the likes of someone else's.

Today, we'll touch on my child's dad. I've already mentioned the fact that he has another child. Well, let's rewind a tad, to the way I found out about this poor conception. And let me clarify, the kid is really a cute kid. I mean, I held him and all. Really cute kid....okay. A few months before I found out there was a baby on the way, I noticed, let's call him child's father (CF) was acting weird. On edge....and like really stressed out. So every now and again, I asked what his problem was. Of course I got the "nothing" answer pretty much 100% of the time. Fast forward a few months. I'm on the phone with my cousin, who is still cool with CF for some unknown reason. She says to me, "I have something to tell you. And you better not say anything!!" Well, I knew it had something to do with him. I just knew it. And not only did I know THAT, I also guessed the secret. "She's pregnant?" After getting my confirmation, I yelled "I KNEW IT!!!" like 8 times. I don't know if I guessed it because I feel like he's against condoms or because of his obvious stress, but...I don't know. The kind of stressed he was only comes about if there's some kind of positive blood test, or a baby....thank God it was the latter. Ha. Wait. Not funny.

So I manage to keep this information to myself for a few weeks. Then I got my cousin to flip the shit around on him so that he would think I told her...after a little scheming, my mission was accomplished. He knew that I knew, yet waited another month to confirm it. And I'm sure he didn't want to tell me because he was embarrassed. Hell, if I were a thirty something year old dude, unable to consistently pay $500 a month for my first child, AND had another coming, I'd be ashamed too....but he finally let it out. I laughed. A lot. As he probably figured I would do. I couldn't help it though. It was funny. Look, it only took me having one child to know what to do if I didn't want anymore....

I began making jokes about once or twice a week. Told him I'd sell him some of my old baby stuff for the low. Of course he didn't find it funny. And actually, I wasn't joking when I offered him some of the stuff. I mean, I was giving him a substantial discount on top dollar shit. Damn.

So now that the baby is here...he's managed to still take care of his fatherly duties. In every aspect but finance.....sigh....and he's gonna start working that job. So...that's good, right? Oh, and not to mention he's been trying to get his ass back over here. That's another post in itself. Which I may save for next time....but yea. Two baby mamas, no job yet, no clue, NO nothing... I'm honestly just glad that he's not my "in house" problem anymore.....I think my time is up...Gotta go to bed.......

Well, I'll be...

A damn monkey's uncle. As if I don't have enough shit to be doing, I decide to get my country ass on blogger tonight. I have entirely too many updates to even attempt to get it all in tonight. And what sucks the most is if I don't blog about shit immediately, it kind of seems pointless months later.

Let's do a brief update, then I'll make an attempt to be a regular on this page again. So, first things first, my friend...the one I started dating nearly a year ago...the one I thought was so perfect for me? FAIL. We didn't make it. The good news is...I'm not angry. Also, we're still friends. So.....yea, whatever. I'm back on the market.

Secondly, my child's father has managed to father another child. Now that poor soul that was "smart" (read "dumb") enough to actually let him impregnate her, AND keep the child...well... Not that I'd push for an abortion with anyone's child, I'm just saying. While we were married, I made him use condoms, I was on the pill, AND a couple of times I bought a plan B just to make sure. Not to mention he's behind on child support. I can't with him...I just can't. He is supposed to start working a real job. Yea...I guess it took another child and being damn near too broke to put food in his mouth, or gas in his car for him to realize it. Anywho, the deets of my life's drama will be unfolding before your eyes. Not to mention, I've decided to go back to school. So yea, this is gonna be an interesting year...I look forward to dishing my dirt in a public forum again. I've missed it!!!

Relationship Ramble

Is it possible to be so used to negative things coming out of certain situations, that you don't know how to accept happiness when it finally comes your way?

The past 6 months (in my newfound relationship) have been great. Not perfect, but really good. And at times, I find myself waiting on the catch, the gotcha gotcha (as Laurieann would say). Still, no dice...I've been more places, planned more things, had more conversations than I could have ever thought possible....

I hesitate sharing my true feelings with people for a few reasons....reason numero 1) Not everyone believes in good relationships. 2) I'd rather keep the people out of my business...and 3) maybe it's because I'm not sure if I believe it myself....

I have decided (as hard as it may be) to take things a day at a time. I'm actually okay with knowing that it's indeed possible for me to truly care about someone again. I haven't been this way in close to 10 years....nope, not even my ex husband got this kind of attention from me. And that's mainly because somewhere deep down, I knew I had no business with him to begin with.

I find myself having the conversations with my new guy that I should have had with the ex...way before we got married...or in bed together for that matter. We are having the hard conversations now...and I mean hard! The kind of "hard" that can make you wonder if you'll be together once they are over. And I truly mean "conversations". No arguing, or screaming, or fighting...but the things we talk about are those things that could lead to all of those if you don't have an understanding...so I'm thankful for those.

I'm rambling...and I'm aware...so bear with me. Oh, I'm funny to myself. We have also been doing these little evaluations (my idea). I never came up with a steady interval for us to evaluate our relationship, but I think the last evaluation was at the 6 month mark. All was well...so I was told. I'm making every effort possible for us to keep an open line of communication...since I know how important that is....

I dunno...I'm tired of rambling b/c my head is starting to hurt..and I'm sure that's largely based on the fact that I have my hair pulled back in a"ducktail" and it's way too tight!! I'll be back later.

Celibacy #FAIL

Well.....that was fun while it lasted!! A whole "almost" 3 months of celibacy!! Wow...so far, I can't think of anything I've been able to hold out on.....shopping? I tell myself it's a sale, so it's not that bad....junk food? I tell myself "it's only one", so I eat it anyway....sex? The devil made me do it.

So much for that! As far as the new beau, we're still going strong...we haven't had any major pow wows...he still seems to be the person I think he is....so we'll see...

I think I'll have a few things to post in the next couple of days....I don't want to bundle it all up in one random post...

My Baggage

Okay, it's been a minute and I figured a little update wouldn't hurt...so here goes....

Well, my guy and I have been great thus far. As all relationships start off. We've had too many dates to count, and my child appears to be crazy about him. He's my equal. I think. Well, kind of. He's more of a "by the book" person. I'm more of a "whatever is convenient" person ...depending on what it is. I find his need to do things the correct way cute. He finds my need to teeter the edge equally amusing. I think. Lol...

So here lies the problem. Well, actually it's not a problem. Yes it is. Okay...I have trust issues. Big shocker, right?!! Probably not so much. I'm not used to trusting guys. It doesn't suck as much for him because I'm good at keeping my insecurities to myself. Just waiting on the second I can tell myself I was right not to trust him, but so far, I'm coming up short.

It's NOT normal to sniff through people's things. NOT normal, I say! The sad part is, I've gotten so used to doing that, it feels weird to NOT do it. WTF!!! Talk about damaged goods. He knows I'm a little damaged, but I'm not sure if he knows the extent. And it's still good for him because I refuse to let my past, good for nothing niccas ruin something for me that could be good. I'll allow it to be as good as it can be. I'll love and like freely, and do my best to act like someone who has some sense. I'll trust him until I have a reason not to. I'll try not to question anything he says if I don't have a reason. And if I think I have a reason, I'll make sure it's a good one.

On a different note, we still haven't had any sex. I will keep in mind that it hasn't even been 2 months yet, but man....this feels like the longest time EVAR!! No kidding, being a mommy sure does change things about the dating scene. "Pre-mommy" me would probably be almost a full fledge resident at his crib right about now. Hardly spending a night at my own place. I like the fact that I can't "play house" with him. It will definitely make things better later....

Well, that's all for now. Probably not, but I had written this blog last night, but lost some of the content b/c my laptop wants to be replaced...if anything else comes to mind, I'll surely write about it.

We Shall See....

Okay, so I have chosen to NOT have sex again until I'm married.....now don't get me wrong, this is, and will continue to be, a daily struggle. And it's scary too!

I started having sex almost 16 years ago....that's a long time to be in the sex game. LOL!! I'm just sayin....but seriously, the older I get, the more I feel like there has to be a better way. Now don't get me wrong, I like banging. A LOT actually, but as far as relationships go, in the beginning anyway, I just think sex complicates things. If I can be with someone that I really care about, AND get to know them on a level way deeper than sex, that would be awesome... however, it would suck to finally have sex on the wedding night or something, and it suck....

I'm faithful....in the idea that it won't suck on the wedding night. I'm not planning any wedding, but I may be planning one one day. If not, I'll just be one unbanged sister. I mean, I thought about it, and I'm totally worth the wait....why did it take me so long to get that? Never too late though, right?

I'm still not sure how far I'll go with my guy....I'm pretty sure there will be NO oral sex....maybe a little finger banging here and there.....but definitely NO penetration. I'll dry hump my vagina raw, but he won't feel my warm goodness unless he's my spouse. I brushed up against his crotch by accident...seriously, it was an accident! But um, yea....I would totally have something to look forward to...size wise.....I can't speak on anything else though...surely we would be able to work with anything else.....maybe? Hopefully....

Like I said, I have faith that if and when I'm married to someone else, if I wait...you know, and do it the "right" way, I won't be disappointed. God wouldn't do that to me, would he? Give me the strength to wait until I got married, just for the sex to be whack....Oh please God don't do that to me! Please!

I'll keep you guys posted on my journey to re-virginizing myself.....may the force be with me!

Baby Daddy Drama

You know what, it's not even drama. Not really. Only because I won't let there be. I'm sure I mentioned something about this in my last post...okay, maybe not. I just kind of checked....



Okay, I did mention the fact that I have a new guy. The ex is well aware, and now has somewhat started to grind the crap out of my nerves about how much time we are spending together (with our child).....now let me be the first to say, there is no way, in a different situation, I would have introduced my child to another guy so soon. Because I have known my guy over half of my life, I was okay with it....that's just me. No worries, there will NOT be a plethora of guys in and out of this house....so now that I've just put that out there, I'll continue...



Before me and the ex's divorce was over, we had brief conversations about dating other people and our child's involvement with whoever we may be seeing. I realize I can't control who my ex dates, nor do I want to. I can't make him mindful of who he has my child around. I can only hope and pray that the mush he has for brains will allow him to think rationally....



So we, and as in "we", I mean my baby, myself, and my guy have been hanging. Movies, dinner, Friday nights in....we've been doing these things. Well, the baby daddy ain't feeling that so much. He wants to know "how is she with him?" and "how much is she around him?". He's not asking because he's worried about her well being, he's asking because he doesn't want another guy around her more than him. Let me go back to the conversation I had with him a while back. Which, by the way, was as effective as any conversation I could have had with a rock. Or pillow cushion....I'm just sayin... But during the convo, I basically told him that it would be up to him to make sure our child keeps him close to her heart. That's not my responsibility. I told him that. Like a billion times. He either ignored me, forgot, or didn't comprehend. I can't help but think it's a combination of those things.



During a regular week, he'll see her Monday-Friday, when he picks her up to take her to the babysitter. That's about a 25 minute ride, depending on traffic. No, I'm not a passenger in the vehicle with them, but I'm pretty sure during those 25 minutes, he's listening to the radio, and NOT talking to her. Unless of course she says something that warrants a response. He'll also get her on Sundays. Now those days, he'll have her all day and sometimes overnight. This is during a "regular" week. Well, it's been a minute since the weeks have been regular. His vehicle was out of commission for several weeks. Like a really long time. So during those weeks, he couldn't come get her. Understandable. However, his phone was not cut off....so I figure he could have called. Very few days, he did. Most, he didn't.



He chose to ask me those dreaded questions again the other night. How much time are we spending with my guy? Really? I haven't figured out yet, what concern that should be of his. This time around, I ask him if he's doing ALL he can do to make sure our child keeps him on her mind vs. someone else. What does he do when I ask that simple question? You guessed it! He gets all defensive and all of a sudden, I'm coming at him "sideways". Lol....Now I'm pretty sure I didn't approach the question in an accusatory manner. I know I didn't. Because I thought it through before I said it, to make sure I didn't. But that's not what he heard. I haven't figured out yet how to communicate with him so that he understands what I'm saying. Maybe I should take it to "the street" with him......maybe he'd understand that better....I'm just sayin....



That particular day, it had been 4 days since he had talked to my angel. FOUR days! He has the number to the babysitter's house. He calls her before he gets to her house when he's dropping the baby off, so I'm positive he has the number. Therefore, he has NO excuse not to at least just talk to her....so because I know the subject is going to come up again, I have to figure out how I'll really get my point across....I've tried to stop cursing, but maybe he understands that better.... Ooooh!!! Nope! I got it! I'll put it in a rap song! BAM!



*off to write my 16 bars*

A Different Me.....

Like Keyshia Cole's last album.....in the sense that I'm drama free for the most part. So now all you guys get to read about are my sappy love stories. Lol! I'm really all about some happiness, but sometimes jaw dropping drama is just better. This means I have to give you the low down on somebody else's issues, since the biggest thorn in my side right now is my child's dad. And even he's starting to accept the fact that I've moved on.....

So let's get to it. I have this friend, I guess I can call her a friend....I met her some time in middle school. She was very sheltered, and ended becoming your normal freakazoid once she got some freedom...well, I think she was okay during our high school years. As a matter of fact, she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. I can't remember how long they were married, but I know it wasn't long. Soon after they divorced, she met up with a guy she grew up with, her soulmate was what she called him, and they married.....

Well....I honestly figured she wasn't ready for marriage (in my opinion) because she candidly told me about all the bisexual fun she'd had at her bachelorette party....fast fwd to her present/past situation. Some kind of way, she got caught up with some guy she had class with. They ended up having a relationship for an unknown period of time. Her husband found out about her loose ways, forgave her, and let her stay.....well, that was the first time around. I can't remember if she cheated again after that (with that guy), but I know she met up with someone else. The first fiasco was a while ago. The most recent was maybe a few weeks ago. Well, how's about she got caught again.....

Imagine your significant other getting a glimpse of you giving some random guy head. On video, that is. First of all, why she would record herself or allow herself to be recorded, with her phone, giving some dude head is beyond me. Like really? Did she get that caught up? Where they do that at? I'm like WOW...is she trying to get her skull cracked?!

The whole idea of getting caught cheating is crazy to me...I mean, a text message would be enough. But this dude actually had to witness that....that's crazy. I feel sorry for dude....I'm pretty sure he won't be taking her back this time around. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows....

I just found it funny that when I was going through my marital woes, she was the main person telling me how "Jesus was on the main line" and the importance of marriage, blah, blah, blah. I knew not to listen to her advice though. Why on earth would I do that! Lol! She even invited me to her church one Sunday to hear her preach her first sermon. YES, I said that. I didn't go of course....with good reason. That was when she was really into church. I almost laughed just then, but decided it would be best for me not to. It's really not funny. I'm not sure what void she's trying to fill, but I hope she figures it out soon!