Relentless

My child's father is forever NEVER giving up. I have no desire to entertain the thought of us getting back together. Aside from the fact that he and I are NOT compatible, he's still broke. And not that money makes a difference, wait. It does. But he and I just wouldn't work. I can't get him to understand that prior to us getting divorced, we were all wrong for each other.

I love the way people create stories in their minds about events that happened. He has totally rearranged his last night as a resident in this house. He specifically told me he didn't see anything wrong with the way he had been handling things, so I specifically told him that us trying to work on the marriage was pointless.

I can't take the madness. Every couple of days, I have to tell him that we aren't going to work. And I'm certain that if his relationship with the new baby's mama were okay, he wouldn't be thinking about any kind of reconciliation with me. He has lost his mind. I sincerely hope he finds it. I have nothing for him. I haven't made it a habit to go back. This works for me. Others, not so much. Lawd I hope he and that girl get it together so he can stop with the wishful thinking. I'm over it.

Marriage Counselor

...it's what I've become. Not intentionally, and probably not because I'm the minority of the group that has been bold enough to actually be unhappy with someone and do something about it...it's probably because people trust me with information. And this is totally appropriate by the way. I can be trusted. This blog is pretty much anonymous, and I NEVER drop names :)

Anywhoo, first things first, someone I consider to be a really good friend has recently found out her husband of several years is cheating. And quite boldly might I add. Now, I immediately say (as if it's not obvious) that I'm not the one to seek for marital advice. This is because mine didn't survive. I wouldn't advise someone to just "get a divorce" because I don't like to see marriages fail. However, I understand. Ideally I would still be married to my child's father and we'd be doing the "happily ever after." Since it didn't work with him in the picture, I'm doing it all by myself. And loving every minute of it. I digress....okay, so yea, I'm not the one to be sought for marital anything. I'm no longer married. I told my friend to stick it out. Do what the Harriet Tubmans of marriage did. Tolerate bullshit. Give the kids a shot at growing up in a 2 parent home. Yada, yada, yada. I meant every word of that by the way.

Second things second, over the weekend, I found myself one of the most uncomfortable situations I've probably been in this year. I agreed to be a part of a wedding to someone I'd consider a friend (from way back), and it was just wrong. All wrong. During that evening and day of horror (read "rehearsal, ceremony, and reception"), I spoke with a girl I am familiar with, but wouldn't say we're friends. Honestly, not even associates. Definitely not enemies though. Basically what I'm trying to say is I went to school with her, but we probably only spoke to each other. Anydamnway, she told me during rehearsal about how horrible her marriage was going right now. She's been married for over 6 years, and she sounded like right now is an incredibly trying time. First of all, I couldn't believe she was telling me her business. Secondly, I didn't realize how cool the girl was. So after speaking with her about her marriage, and giving her the deets on my divorce, we came to no conclusions. I told her the same spiel I told my friend. Hang in there. Tough it out. Yada, yada, yada. And I hope she does.

Maybe the married folks of my generation do give up too quickly. I don't know. What I do know is there is something seriously wrong with society as a whole as far as the marriage bull. If people go into marriage knowing individuals aren't perfect, why is it that we expect them to be perfect? Or is it that we don't want their imperfection to be lying, cheating, and deceiving. I mean, honestly, that's my issue. I'd much rather have my guy's imperfection be something like he snores. Or farts in his sleep or some shit. NOT cheating. I'm not kidding, all of this marriage talk makes me feel like my expectations are all messed up. Why is expecting someone to be faithful unrealistic? I don't get it. Seriously. Anyway, I'm rambling. And I'm sleepy. I'm not proofreading. #POW

Misery Loves Company

Wait, let's rephrase that....some kind of way. This week, I ran across one of my old coworkers. We were both trying to grab lunch on a busy Tuesday and some kind of way we started talking about the lasagna. Lame, I know. But apparently she eats the cafeteria's lasagna "all the time" and it usually "tastes pretty good." Cool. She sold me. So in the middle of making small talk and waiting on the good ol' cafeteria guy (that's always drunk) to serve us, she mentions something about she doesn't cook. Well, neither do I, but I'm not married. And my child isn't generally hungry when we get home. Not "whip me up a meal" hungry. I digress. Anywhoo, when I worked with this lady two years ago, she was married, and had been for over 20 years. So it struck me strange for her to say she didn't cook. I cluelessly asked, "What do y'all eat?" and this is when the shit hit the fan....she looked at me dumbfounded, as if I was supposed to automatically know something, and said "Who? It's just me. I don't have a husband."

WHAT!?!!

I was completely thrown off guard and said the dumbest shit that I could have possibly said. "Gguuuurrrrlll, we should have had a partay!!!!!" Welp. She looked at me crazy and said she didn't want to party. Well excusethafuckoutta me for thinking everyone is happy about their newfound freedom. It didn't dawn on me until that moment that not everyone wants to be divorced. I'm always trying to slap somebody damn five when they get out of situations they don't need to be in. Not thinking that maybe they were the servee of the papers versus the server. I'm so oblivious to the things other people go through in their relationships sometimes. I mean seriously, how foolish of me to just assume the woman wanted to celebrate. I felt like a mortal kombat idiot. To the tenth power.

I apologized. I had to. I didn't just apologize (bc it took me a minute to get my foot out of my mouth), I almost ran her down after she paid for her food so I could say sorry. I even gave her a hug. How dare I!! Me!!! Telling this woman she should have partied with me when her husband left her for a younger woman....so they say..... That's neither here nor there, I'll react differently next time I hear of someone's tragedy. Damn.

Hot Potato

I wanted to drop her like one. A hot potato. HAHAHAHA!!! I'm serious though. I have a friend. And I use this term lightly, but we've been "friends" since 7th grade. Not on purpose, mind you. As a matter of fact, she didn't even like me at first. And I didn't do a damn thing to her ass.

Anyway, we never hung out with the same people. Ever. And honestly, we don't have a ton of stuff in common. Of course we probably could have had similar experiences at some point in time, but what teenagers don't? Doesn't mean we are one in the same.

Anyway, up to the point of why I'm just about sick of her and her attitude...about 6 months ago, I took a trip with one of my besties. This wench got mad and threw a fit, telling me how I never invite her to go anywhere....uh...oh-kay....so I'm planning a trip soon, with the same friend. I called my "friend" to see how she was doing, and this bitch has a 'tude (AGAIN) about the trip. Telling me how I never invite her to go anywhere....um...yea, I want your "Debbie downer" ass traveling cross country with me....NOT!!! Is she crazy!!??! Gotta be.

So after that last phone conversation, I decided that I was done. I don't have time for the drama every single time I talk to her. Questioning why she wasn't invited some damn where. And then she's the one that never has any money anyway. Hell NO!! Not coming. Not allowed. Not invited. Period. Well, I have you know this broad called me a couple of days ago acting like she had some sense. I don't care. I'm still not calling her anymore. If she wants to talk to me, she's going to have to call me. I'm sick of it.....

My Fake Relationship

Who ever heard of such? I hadn't. Not before I made it up. So basically, my fake relationship involves me and my "friend" that I fell in love with almost a year ago. This is the dumbest shit EVAR, I know this. Basically, what we are doing is keeping each other from moving on, but also not saying we are in a relationship. Stupid shit. Dumb shit. I seriously know this. The good/bad news is he's moving thousands of miles away in a couple of weeks. Sucks for me because I'm gonna miss him. However, maybe once he is gone, I'll be able to move on. And so will he. I type that shit with ease as if I'm ready for either one of us to move on. I'm not kidding this shit is dumb. As a matter of fact, it's so dumb, none of my friends really know the extent that we hang out or talk. Or text. I've seen this kind of thing before. Just probably not in MY very own personal life. I'm gonna miss him when he leaves. For sure. I don't think I've ever had this hard of a time moving on after a relationship. I know why it's different though. It's because of the relationship we had prior to our dating relationship. What further complicates things is the fact that we had the dating relationship. Because we obviously got much closer during the past year, which further jacks up the dynamics of our already close relationship.

He and I were the kind of friends that could go months without talking, but pick up where we left off without missing a beat. He was one of the few guys that I could call a friend, and know that he would always be respectful, regardless of any inappropriate thought he may or may not have had prior to us taking the next step in our friendship deal. Did we "date" when we were 12? Yea. Do I consider that some serious relationship of my past? No. Did I kiss him and touch his peen on the back of the bus on the way home from New Orleans? Yep. No regrets either. How about that! Lol. Even with the kiss and the rubbing of the penis, we grew older, remained friends, and were able to keep it friendly after that.....and then there was 2010.....

So I said all of that to say I have absolutely no idea how to come back from what we have developed over the past year. NO idea. At all. Not without the friendship being tainted. But maybe it's already tainted. I don't know. I just know that I never wanted to ruin what we had pre 2010. I'm preparing myself for the day of new relationships and fewer calls and texts. That's gonna be rough. I already know it. Or maybe it won't be. Maybe I'll become engulfed in schoolwork and not give two shits about what or who he's doing. We'll see.....

At least for the next 2 weeks I have a fake boyfriend. Whatever. We'll see.

What's That Ya Say?

The grass wasn't so green on the other side? Well duh. I could have told him it wouldn't be. And as in "he", I mean my child's dad. I know I've mentioned the fact that he's been hinting around at trying to get back with me. Apparently that PYT he was chasing last year isn't all he cracked her up to be. Worse off than him I hear. Which sucks. I know her car got repo'd, she's not working, and according to him, her folks are crazy. Bwwwwaaaaaaahhhhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

It's not funny. Well, it is. But it's not nice of me to laugh. So I just had to have a twenty something minute long conversation with this fool about why he and I would never work. I have to go through the whole spiel about him missing me and changing and shit. Well, what the hell ever, I'm not hearing it. I find it so hilarious that people forget the way they once felt, as if they will never feel that way again, or as if the way they felt had nothing to do with other issues. I tried my best to explain to this clown that our issues went way deeper than him not having a real job. He agreed a couple of years ago, now he acts as if he is somebody totally different. Truth be told, if he and I had had a more solid friendship within our relationship, we probably would have survived that storm. But for me, I was thinking, "dude, you can't possibly have this many negatives and be tripping. And damn sure not trying to cheat! GTFOH!" When I'm a ride or die chick for my guy, I'm really ride or die. The first fool that I fell in love with could have probably gotten away with working the front counter and Burger King, and it wouldn't have mattered. I would have let him use the car to work the late shift. I would have texted him and told him to bring me a whopper with cheese home. That kind of shit. I would have loved his dirty draws. Seriously. I never had that kind of love for the baby's dad. Never. So...sorry.

What can I say? If it's the not there, it's just not. Nothing I can do to change that. Nothing he can do either. It's just one of those things. Too bad, so sad. Anyway, I hope he finds another chick to take his mind off the possibility of us ever getting back together. And soon. Trying to explain shit to him that I've already explained is almost draining. What a marriage that would have been, had it lasted longer than 1.9 years. Ha!! Thank the Lawd for deliverance!

Why Is This News?

For the past several days, I have felt like I was on my deathbed. Ignoring calls, half responding to texts....not eating...all of that kind of stuff. My phone rings yesterday, and it's my cousin. One of the foolish ones. Because I had ignored her call days before, I decided to answer. Now let me go ahead and put this out here. Very seldom does she call me and actually want something....so why would I assume this time would be any different? I don't know what I was thinking.

This bitch is immediately singing on the other end of the phone about having some "good news" for me. She says the shit twice, and I'm like, "Damn. What is it?" I have you know this bitch called me to tell me she fucked some dude that we grew up with. I don't care. Not even a little bit. She had already exaggerated about the size of his dick, then sent me the picture of the fabricated dick, like I can't damn see. So anyway, yea, she calls me about good news of her fucking, like it's some shit I should tweet about. I could even see if this was her first time. It's not. Not even almost.

I have never been the type to want to share the explicit details of my sexual encounters with my friends. Or relatives, for that matter. But for some reason, some of my folks want to tell me about every nook and cranny their dicks hit while they are getting their backs beat out. Why the hell do people think I wanna hear this shit? I don't!!! Damn. These crazy ass bitches.

Twitter and Facebook....

are just pathways to destruction. I'm not much of a twitter/facebook stalker. Wait. Yes I am. Sometimes. But check it out. The ex (hub) follows me on twitter. I don't follow him, but clearly I get nosy sometimes. Tonight was one of those times. So I'm checking out this broke nigga's timeline, and he all talking about he out eating at Bonefish and shit. Well, I've never been one to want somebody starving, but um er ruh....nigga, don't you owe me almost a grand? Oh. Ok. That's what I was thinking. I let him have it the other day when he mentioned having to get his hair twisted so he doesn't have to start work on Monday lookin a fool. But luxury eating out and shit? When I snacked on fucking catfish nuggets courtesy of my aunt? Please. I wants my money.

And he'll do shit like pay me a little something here and there, toward his steadily rising balance, but this shit here....nope. I'll be sending him a courtesy text either NOW or tomorrow about when he plans to make his next deposit. Fuck it. I chose "NOW". And yea, it's almost midnight. I gives not one damn....okay. So he says he'll be making a deposit. He better be. I can't stand that shit. Don't owe me money and decide every damn thing else is more important than what the hell you owe me. And I hate when I have to hear, "You know I had to pay so and so." As if I don't have other shit I have to pay too. Like yea, I'll tell the people at the baby's preschool that I don't have her tuition because I had to pay the mortgage. They don't give a damn. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There Isn't Anything Wrong With Me

Except my taste in guys, obviously. Now let me preface this post by saying...I'm not some lonely chick that sits around waiting for my perfect man to show up. I'm okay with being by myself. Like 99% of the time. And then a night like tonight, when I have too much free time, that shouldn't be free, I find myself thinking way too much. It doesn't help matters much that I'm a self proclaimed music buff. I'm all about some pandora. And these songs, they just... I don't know. I don't like rap. Not enough to create a "Dr. Dre" station on 'dora, anyway. So yea, 10 times out of 10, the songs that play will have some kind of "love" undertone. Wait. Sometimes pandora will slip some shit in on you. Like seriously. I was listening to my "Tamia" station the other day. They played like 2 Tupac songs. Nearly back to back. WTF?

So yea, what I'm saying is, I don't get lonely per se, but every now and again, I reflect on relationships that didn't work out. And I can't help but tell myself, for the upteenth time, I'm awesome. The guy that ends up with me is going to be one lucky fella. I can say this with confidence because, well, shit, because I'm me. I'm cracking myself up. My worst fault is that I'm not a neat freak (read "hoarder in the making"). But hell, I can pay somebody to come clean all this shit up. And actually, one day...as I've been telling myself for the past couple of years, I'm gonna. That is one thing I'll give the ex (husband) credit for. He could clean up some shit. Hell, I know he needs some extra money. I'm thinking about decreasing his debt in exchange for an hour or 2 of his cleaning services....what? Oh. I'm just saying. Shit.

But yea, back to the post. So, you know how you see a beautiful, smart, witty, _____, _______, (insert whatever wonderful qualities in those blanks that you'd like), and she's single. Or she can't seem to keep a man? It's normal ( I guess) for one to ask, "What the hell is wrong with her?" Well, I feel like sooner or later, someone will be asking that about me. And I swear, I've already asked myself that. The answer remains the same. There's not shit wrong with me. It's these blind mofos that don't realize how awesome I am. And I'm not upset, they need to be wherever they are. That doesn't include wasting my time (or theirs). I mean yea, so what, I don't make my bed up every single time I get out of it, but shit. Is that the worst thing I could not do? I could NOT give a damn about the well being of my potential significant other, but that's not how I roll.

Whatever though. I try to take moments like these (single moments) as time for me to regroup and do whatever the hell I feel like doing. Life is good. I can't complain. I've never felt like I needed a hard leg to complete me. I'm fine loving on my child every night. We cuddle too. It's like she can smell me when I get in bed. She just eases her way right over to my neck so I can keep her safe while she sleeps. And has nightmares about things that are less scary to me...yea, me getting her out of my bed and into her own...well, that will be a totally different post in itself. :)

I Have Nothing...

(like Whitney said) better to do right now that blog. Actually, take that back. I should be asleep, but I'm not. However, I'll try to make this quick enough so that I'm sleeping in the next 37 minutes. So much dumb shit has been going on around me, it's hard to pick one particular thing to talk about.....and since I have no life (AGAIN), let's examine the likes of someone else's.

Today, we'll touch on my child's dad. I've already mentioned the fact that he has another child. Well, let's rewind a tad, to the way I found out about this poor conception. And let me clarify, the kid is really a cute kid. I mean, I held him and all. Really cute kid....okay. A few months before I found out there was a baby on the way, I noticed, let's call him child's father (CF) was acting weird. On edge....and like really stressed out. So every now and again, I asked what his problem was. Of course I got the "nothing" answer pretty much 100% of the time. Fast forward a few months. I'm on the phone with my cousin, who is still cool with CF for some unknown reason. She says to me, "I have something to tell you. And you better not say anything!!" Well, I knew it had something to do with him. I just knew it. And not only did I know THAT, I also guessed the secret. "She's pregnant?" After getting my confirmation, I yelled "I KNEW IT!!!" like 8 times. I don't know if I guessed it because I feel like he's against condoms or because of his obvious stress, but...I don't know. The kind of stressed he was only comes about if there's some kind of positive blood test, or a baby....thank God it was the latter. Ha. Wait. Not funny.

So I manage to keep this information to myself for a few weeks. Then I got my cousin to flip the shit around on him so that he would think I told her...after a little scheming, my mission was accomplished. He knew that I knew, yet waited another month to confirm it. And I'm sure he didn't want to tell me because he was embarrassed. Hell, if I were a thirty something year old dude, unable to consistently pay $500 a month for my first child, AND had another coming, I'd be ashamed too....but he finally let it out. I laughed. A lot. As he probably figured I would do. I couldn't help it though. It was funny. Look, it only took me having one child to know what to do if I didn't want anymore....

I began making jokes about once or twice a week. Told him I'd sell him some of my old baby stuff for the low. Of course he didn't find it funny. And actually, I wasn't joking when I offered him some of the stuff. I mean, I was giving him a substantial discount on top dollar shit. Damn.

So now that the baby is here...he's managed to still take care of his fatherly duties. In every aspect but finance.....sigh....and he's gonna start working that job. So...that's good, right? Oh, and not to mention he's been trying to get his ass back over here. That's another post in itself. Which I may save for next time....but yea. Two baby mamas, no job yet, no clue, NO nothing... I'm honestly just glad that he's not my "in house" problem anymore.....I think my time is up...Gotta go to bed.......

Well, I'll be...

A damn monkey's uncle. As if I don't have enough shit to be doing, I decide to get my country ass on blogger tonight. I have entirely too many updates to even attempt to get it all in tonight. And what sucks the most is if I don't blog about shit immediately, it kind of seems pointless months later.

Let's do a brief update, then I'll make an attempt to be a regular on this page again. So, first things first, my friend...the one I started dating nearly a year ago...the one I thought was so perfect for me? FAIL. We didn't make it. The good news is...I'm not angry. Also, we're still friends. So.....yea, whatever. I'm back on the market.

Secondly, my child's father has managed to father another child. Now that poor soul that was "smart" (read "dumb") enough to actually let him impregnate her, AND keep the child...well... Not that I'd push for an abortion with anyone's child, I'm just saying. While we were married, I made him use condoms, I was on the pill, AND a couple of times I bought a plan B just to make sure. Not to mention he's behind on child support. I can't with him...I just can't. He is supposed to start working a real job. Yea...I guess it took another child and being damn near too broke to put food in his mouth, or gas in his car for him to realize it. Anywho, the deets of my life's drama will be unfolding before your eyes. Not to mention, I've decided to go back to school. So yea, this is gonna be an interesting year...I look forward to dishing my dirt in a public forum again. I've missed it!!!