Stroke Mine!!

Okay, so I have a problem. I have taken many classes throughout the years. Many. And while I don't profess to remember every.single.thing from those classes, I have a little knowledge. I mean hey, I still remember that song, Fifty Nifty United States , and I learned that way back when. I'm just saying.....

Even in life's lessons, some things have not come easy for me. One class in particular that I was not fortunate enough to take was Ego Strokin 101. And while in previous years, I have stroked an ego or two, I realized later that it really wasn't worth my effort. It only made for overconfident men (boys) who were not in touch with reality. Simply put, those bamas just run out. And yes, I did say "bamas". I hear the older women around me say things like, "Girl, you know men need their egos stroked!" Well, you know what? I need my damn ego stroked too. If I allow myself to "stroke an ego" that clearly is not deserving of any stroking, that could easily be a recipe for disaster.

Now while I don't think it's okay to bruise one's ego, I'm all about being for real. I can't allow myself to lie or pretend, just so a grown man can feel good about himself. Who woulda ever thought men could be so sensitive and needy. So clearly I need some help.....because one day I'm sure I'll be in another relationship.....and maybe it won't be so hard. That's if the guy is doing something worthy of the strokin......

Another Friday Night....

At home alone. Well, not alone for real. My little sidekick is here with me, but she's asleep. AND I can't talk noise with her so....

It's been fifty leven years since my last real entry, so let me just explain why. Kind of. A couple of months ago, I ended up telling my soon to be ex about my blog. Not on purpose though. My email associated with this blog was up, blah, blah, blah...Well, that somewhat took away from the whole "me" in my anonymous blog. And even though I didn't direct him to the page, and he didn't actually see the page, it still took away from it. When I originally started this blog, it was supposed to be my thing. The things that I want to blog about, or the things that I have blogged about in the past aren't necessarily things he would want to know about. And that's another reason why I was doing it. MY outlet. Ya know?

It's been an interesting few months for the fam... I guess those escapades deserve entries of their own.............

Too Long!

It's been entirely too long since I've blogged. Like seriously. I'm back though. Not literally right this minute, but really soon. Lots of updates!

Straight Up

Okay, I'm watching the last 30 minutes of Big Brother that I tivo'd earlier, so I figure I can do one more entry.
I just spent like almost 2 hours on the phone talking to Casper. Y'all remember him, right? The dude with all the skeletons in his closet? Well, anyway, other than his big cemetery he has in his closet, he's actually a pretty decent guy. And by no means does that "other than" mean he's a potential for me. He's so not. We have a nice relationship, especially since he doesn't know I know about his other life. And it's not important. Hey, no judgement.
So anyway, we're talking. Having a really nice conversation, and I start thinking. What kind of person am I? Really? What is it that I desire in a guy? Don't know.
What I did conclude is that I desire honesty. Even if it means I have to hear, from the horse's mouth, that I'm "not it anymore" or that he thinks about banging his coworker every Tuesday when she wears the red dress....whatever, I want to know.
It is true that everyone can't handle the truth, but for whatever reason, I feel like I can. And when I say "handle", I simply mean that my skin is tough enough that I won't completely come out of a bag on a jigga. Why can't guys be straight up? What is it with telling people what they think they want to hear? I'd much rather a guy "hurt" me with the truth versus lie to me and I find out later. Such as life though, right?
I have found, in my twenty something years of living, that the only way a guy will be honest with you, is if you're in his "homie" category. At least first. Then there's always that chance that the lies start after certain lines are crossed.
And I'm so sure that I don't want a romantic relationship with this one guy that I know is as honest with me as he knows how to be. That's a whole different story. He has issues that I'd rather not be a part of. Honesty and all, I'll pass on that.
Guess it's my bedtime now, but man, where are the honest fellas?!

Dying Over Here.....

laughing at my friend...Okay, you know what, it's not funny. It's crazy. And what's even crazier is that I said nothing. Absolutely nothing....let me just fill you in on the funniness....
Okay, so I talk to my friend tonight, and she's ranting and raving about this guy that she decided wasn't worth her time. Okay, that's fine. I'm letting her rant...AND rave. So apparently she said something to him that really ruffled his feathers. I'm thinking he told her to "lose his number" or something.
Why? Why? Why did this girl say "Girl, and then he spelled lose wrong. He spelled it l-o-s-e. I was like WRONG, it's l-o-o-s-e!"
I couldn't. I really couldn't muster up the nerve to tell her that it was she, indeed, that didn't really know how to spell. I just decided I'd pretend I wasn't really paying attention. I think I'll tell her one day. Maybe.

My Flaws...

What flaws? I'm pretty sure I'm flawfree. Okay, not really, but going through this whole divorce process has forced me to look at the "man in the mirror" (R.I.P. MJ). LOL!! Seriously though, I have done a little bit of self reflecting and honestly, I'm drawing a blank. Besides the fact that I'm always right, potentially selfish, NOT domestic, stubborn, and just an outright asshole, I couldn't find anything wrong.

I had no idea this divorce would be so emotionally draining on me. And most of it comes from someone else's emotions. I remember feeling relieved once I had left the lawyer's office...now, not so much. "I'll do whatever I need to" is what I was told a few days ago. What exactly does that mean? As if he could possibly be someone other than who he is.....boy, if it were only that simple. I love the way he thinks everything is going to magically be better. Like now all of a sudden the things he was unhappy about won't matter anymore. Sure they won't. I bet they wouldn't matter for at least 4 or 5 months. Hell, maybe even like 8 months. Who knows? I don't. What I do know is the issues that we have had in the past won't just go away.

Some days my head hurts just from reading a text that he sends. And a whole live conversation? Man, talk about frustrating. I've always felt like I had communication skills....well, I'm still convinced that when I speak, some people hear Latin or maybe French. I mean, maybe I am actually saying something that I don't know I'm saying, but for some reason I doubt it. Ugh....I don't know. I'll just be glad when it's over.

Marrying the Mob

My cousin "Tina" called me the other day to get some reception ideas. Yep, she has decided to go ahead and marry "Ike". He's going to make an honest woman out of her. I wasn't sure if I should congratulate her or not, so I didn't. I simply gave her a suggestion and that was that. After all, who am I to question why she would want to marry someone that kicks her ass every couple of years? Maybe their relationship is bigger than that. I bet those beatings are so few and far between that she doesn't even think about them until I call her Rihanna. Yea, it's not like I scored a "pass" in Marriage 101. It's strange though, because I got an "A" in Marriage and the Family. My teacher was pret-ty impressed with me. Hmmm.....

I've not ever had to deal with domestic abuse, but I'm pretty sure I heard it gets worse after marriage. And maybe she thinks that since she's been shacked up with him for that past couple of years playing house that it's the same. I have got to figure out how to approach this so I have no guilty feelings when he beats her to sleep again can say I "did my part". On the flip side, is it really my business? Of course it is, she's my little cousin. I love her dearly. She's kind of like the little sister I would have disowned never had. I'll just mention it again....ask her if she's okay being married to someone who could potentially abuse her on a daily basis. She's a dumbass tough girl, I'm sure she'll say she's fine with it. Man I hope his "Chris Brown" spells don't become a regular thing. That domestic violence thing is nothing to take lightly. Man I would hate for something to happen to her.......

My Life

is just that. It's life. I can't complain, although at times I feel like it. Going through this whole divorce thing hasn't been as bad as I thought. I guess some days are a little worse than others. I think it would be much easier to deal with if me and the "ex" weren't still banging randomly were on the same page...as far as preparing for our lives independently.

I don't think I'll ever understand why people sometimes don't get the urge to get on the good foot until it's basically too late. For months and months prior to our separation, I feel like I tried. No, I didn't give it "my all", but I pretended to tried. And speaking of "giving it your all", why do people advise that? "You fight until you can't fight no more." "Give it all you got before you throw the towel in." What the hell kind of advice is that? What's left for me if I "fight until I can't fight no more"? I'm not Einstein or anything, but that sounds like it would leave me drained and bitter. I would much rather fight right up to the round that borders enemy ground. That way I can say that I gave it all I could before I ended up hating him. Yea, I like that much better.

I'm not sure how much longer until everything is final, but I really can't wait for that phone call. One of my friends suggested that I have a "divorce" party. Sounds like a plan to me. I just don't want the ex to get wind of it and show up shooting and get the wrong idea. I can see how that has the potential to be hurtful. As cold and heartless as he claims I am, he would probably expect it. I tried to explain to him that I care, I just deal with things differently. No since in crying over spilled milk, right? That's what I say. Hell, I cried enough during the marriage. I'm pretty much all cried out. I think. Wait, I did pretend to have a semi breakdown the other day. I do get sad that I pretty much sucked at staying married, despite the mental promise I made to our child. I'm pretty sure she'll wonder how we ended up together in the first place understand when she gets older.

Anywhoo, just had to do a little entry for general purposes. My life is probably about to get interesting though. I'm definitely excited to see who's what's in store!

Dear Sahel,

I have no words....................



I hope you're happy now. Surely the afterlife is not nearly as bad as paying two car notes and being heartbroken. Hold up though, how the hell you let somebody co-sign for a vehicle you can't afford? And please tell me you weren't banging a millionaire for shits and giggles. For real? All you got were a few trips and a truck note?



You rock.

Dear Steve,

I can't say that I have a whole lot for you right now. Although I know you aren't physically able to be of any comfort to your wife, your boys, your mom, or your brothers right now, I know you're sorry.

I realize that if you had known that the young lady you decided to acquaint yourself with had homicidal/suicidal tendencies, you probably would have gone for one of her coworkers. I won't chastise you about any of the events that took place b/c if you've heard it once, you've heard it a million times.

If we could turn back the hands of time huh? I'm sure you were a good guy Steve. Seriously. I just hate that you never grew out of some of your other ways. Although I don't know the circumstances of your relationship with Mechelle, I do know that it couldn't have been that bad. Not "death" bad. I also don't believe that your "friend" was worth your life.

I remember watching you play at Alcorn back in maybe '93. I remember singing that song "Hand Him the Heisman" and really wanting them to "hand it to you". That last game I saw you play in was good. I can't remember if y'all were playing JSU or not, but you did your thing. I remember seeing Mechelle that day, all dressed up in her Golden Girl attire. She was even more beautiful back then. If she could have forseen the future, I wonder if she would have taken the same road with a different approach.

I have no idea where your head was when you passed over, but I sure hope that you woke up at the pearly gates. Actually, I hope they let you in. None of us are perfect, I know that. Sometimes other people get to work on their flaws, or maybe some of us grow out of our immature ways, you just didn't have that chance.

If I could have chosen a way for you to go, you would have died alone. If you just had to die. I mean, we all know about your drinking problem. Being in an accident because you were driving drunk would have been a much better look. But none of us really get to choose the way we go. Well, your little friend did, but sane people don't take that route so she doesn't count.

We'll miss you man. I hope wherever you are, you are at peace.

Yours truly,

~me

Dear Mechelle,

The last time I saw you was several years ago...you, your mom, and the baby were out eating. I spoke briefly and walked away thinking y'all "had it made". Boy, that had to be at least 5 or 6 years ago......

I'm writing you this letter because although I haven't seen you in that long, I've thought of you every single day since the 4th. My heart hurts for you and those babies. Although I haven't physically shed a "wet" tear, my heart has indeed been crying.

I can't imagine what emotions you must be feeling, and honestly I can't say that I'd want to. I am so sorry that things have ended this way. In normal situations, we (women) at least have the opportunity to confront our spouses about their indiscretions. We can at least beat their asses until they wished they were gone....we can choose to say "enough is enough" and divorce them, then watch them suffer as we "clean them out". You don't have that chance. You weren't given the satisfaction of kicking Steve's ass one more time, or even that broad's ass for that matter. And don't get me wrong, I know that's not your thing, but still. They say that the ones who hurt you are (sometimes) the ones that make you feel better......well? I'm not sure how this goes.....

Everyone from the "hometown" knows what kinda man Steve was. We all know all the good he did for the community, but we also know somebody, who knows somebody that Steve "tried to talk to" or that Steve "was fuckin". Still, that wasn't the first thing that came to mind when someone said his name. But now, now it's a different story.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you all had, but I just imagine you were too preoccupied doing other things rather than exert energy trying to keep up with the women that Steve entertained when he wasn't home. I don't know how that works. I, myself am a big time snooper, but hey, whatever works for you.

I don't see you publicly speaking about this ever, seeing as though you were never the kind of NFL wife that liked the spotlight. Surely you don't want it now. How ironic, huh? People were googling you like crazy last week. Hopefully this will all die down soon and you'll be able to have your life back to yourself. Take care. Kiss your mama for me, she was always one of my favs....

Sincerest regards,

~me