We Shall See....

Okay, so I have chosen to NOT have sex again until I'm married.....now don't get me wrong, this is, and will continue to be, a daily struggle. And it's scary too!

I started having sex almost 16 years ago....that's a long time to be in the sex game. LOL!! I'm just sayin....but seriously, the older I get, the more I feel like there has to be a better way. Now don't get me wrong, I like banging. A LOT actually, but as far as relationships go, in the beginning anyway, I just think sex complicates things. If I can be with someone that I really care about, AND get to know them on a level way deeper than sex, that would be awesome... however, it would suck to finally have sex on the wedding night or something, and it suck....

I'm faithful....in the idea that it won't suck on the wedding night. I'm not planning any wedding, but I may be planning one one day. If not, I'll just be one unbanged sister. I mean, I thought about it, and I'm totally worth the wait....why did it take me so long to get that? Never too late though, right?

I'm still not sure how far I'll go with my guy....I'm pretty sure there will be NO oral sex....maybe a little finger banging here and there.....but definitely NO penetration. I'll dry hump my vagina raw, but he won't feel my warm goodness unless he's my spouse. I brushed up against his crotch by accident...seriously, it was an accident! But um, yea....I would totally have something to look forward to...size wise.....I can't speak on anything else though...surely we would be able to work with anything else.....maybe? Hopefully....

Like I said, I have faith that if and when I'm married to someone else, if I wait...you know, and do it the "right" way, I won't be disappointed. God wouldn't do that to me, would he? Give me the strength to wait until I got married, just for the sex to be whack....Oh please God don't do that to me! Please!

I'll keep you guys posted on my journey to re-virginizing myself.....may the force be with me!

Baby Daddy Drama

You know what, it's not even drama. Not really. Only because I won't let there be. I'm sure I mentioned something about this in my last post...okay, maybe not. I just kind of checked....



Okay, I did mention the fact that I have a new guy. The ex is well aware, and now has somewhat started to grind the crap out of my nerves about how much time we are spending together (with our child).....now let me be the first to say, there is no way, in a different situation, I would have introduced my child to another guy so soon. Because I have known my guy over half of my life, I was okay with it....that's just me. No worries, there will NOT be a plethora of guys in and out of this house....so now that I've just put that out there, I'll continue...



Before me and the ex's divorce was over, we had brief conversations about dating other people and our child's involvement with whoever we may be seeing. I realize I can't control who my ex dates, nor do I want to. I can't make him mindful of who he has my child around. I can only hope and pray that the mush he has for brains will allow him to think rationally....



So we, and as in "we", I mean my baby, myself, and my guy have been hanging. Movies, dinner, Friday nights in....we've been doing these things. Well, the baby daddy ain't feeling that so much. He wants to know "how is she with him?" and "how much is she around him?". He's not asking because he's worried about her well being, he's asking because he doesn't want another guy around her more than him. Let me go back to the conversation I had with him a while back. Which, by the way, was as effective as any conversation I could have had with a rock. Or pillow cushion....I'm just sayin... But during the convo, I basically told him that it would be up to him to make sure our child keeps him close to her heart. That's not my responsibility. I told him that. Like a billion times. He either ignored me, forgot, or didn't comprehend. I can't help but think it's a combination of those things.



During a regular week, he'll see her Monday-Friday, when he picks her up to take her to the babysitter. That's about a 25 minute ride, depending on traffic. No, I'm not a passenger in the vehicle with them, but I'm pretty sure during those 25 minutes, he's listening to the radio, and NOT talking to her. Unless of course she says something that warrants a response. He'll also get her on Sundays. Now those days, he'll have her all day and sometimes overnight. This is during a "regular" week. Well, it's been a minute since the weeks have been regular. His vehicle was out of commission for several weeks. Like a really long time. So during those weeks, he couldn't come get her. Understandable. However, his phone was not cut off....so I figure he could have called. Very few days, he did. Most, he didn't.



He chose to ask me those dreaded questions again the other night. How much time are we spending with my guy? Really? I haven't figured out yet, what concern that should be of his. This time around, I ask him if he's doing ALL he can do to make sure our child keeps him on her mind vs. someone else. What does he do when I ask that simple question? You guessed it! He gets all defensive and all of a sudden, I'm coming at him "sideways". Lol....Now I'm pretty sure I didn't approach the question in an accusatory manner. I know I didn't. Because I thought it through before I said it, to make sure I didn't. But that's not what he heard. I haven't figured out yet how to communicate with him so that he understands what I'm saying. Maybe I should take it to "the street" with him......maybe he'd understand that better....I'm just sayin....



That particular day, it had been 4 days since he had talked to my angel. FOUR days! He has the number to the babysitter's house. He calls her before he gets to her house when he's dropping the baby off, so I'm positive he has the number. Therefore, he has NO excuse not to at least just talk to her....so because I know the subject is going to come up again, I have to figure out how I'll really get my point across....I've tried to stop cursing, but maybe he understands that better.... Ooooh!!! Nope! I got it! I'll put it in a rap song! BAM!



*off to write my 16 bars*

A Different Me.....

Like Keyshia Cole's last album.....in the sense that I'm drama free for the most part. So now all you guys get to read about are my sappy love stories. Lol! I'm really all about some happiness, but sometimes jaw dropping drama is just better. This means I have to give you the low down on somebody else's issues, since the biggest thorn in my side right now is my child's dad. And even he's starting to accept the fact that I've moved on.....

So let's get to it. I have this friend, I guess I can call her a friend....I met her some time in middle school. She was very sheltered, and ended becoming your normal freakazoid once she got some freedom...well, I think she was okay during our high school years. As a matter of fact, she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. I can't remember how long they were married, but I know it wasn't long. Soon after they divorced, she met up with a guy she grew up with, her soulmate was what she called him, and they married.....

Well....I honestly figured she wasn't ready for marriage (in my opinion) because she candidly told me about all the bisexual fun she'd had at her bachelorette party....fast fwd to her present/past situation. Some kind of way, she got caught up with some guy she had class with. They ended up having a relationship for an unknown period of time. Her husband found out about her loose ways, forgave her, and let her stay.....well, that was the first time around. I can't remember if she cheated again after that (with that guy), but I know she met up with someone else. The first fiasco was a while ago. The most recent was maybe a few weeks ago. Well, how's about she got caught again.....

Imagine your significant other getting a glimpse of you giving some random guy head. On video, that is. First of all, why she would record herself or allow herself to be recorded, with her phone, giving some dude head is beyond me. Like really? Did she get that caught up? Where they do that at? I'm like WOW...is she trying to get her skull cracked?!

The whole idea of getting caught cheating is crazy to me...I mean, a text message would be enough. But this dude actually had to witness that....that's crazy. I feel sorry for dude....I'm pretty sure he won't be taking her back this time around. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows....

I just found it funny that when I was going through my marital woes, she was the main person telling me how "Jesus was on the main line" and the importance of marriage, blah, blah, blah. I knew not to listen to her advice though. Why on earth would I do that! Lol! She even invited me to her church one Sunday to hear her preach her first sermon. YES, I said that. I didn't go of course....with good reason. That was when she was really into church. I almost laughed just then, but decided it would be best for me not to. It's really not funny. I'm not sure what void she's trying to fill, but I hope she figures it out soon!