MissUnderstood

Relentless

2011-06-06T03:44:00.002-05:00

My child's father is forever NEVER giving up. I have no desire to entertain the thought of us getting back together. Aside from the fact that he and I are NOT compatible, he's still broke. And not that money makes a difference, wait. It does. But he and I just wouldn't work. I can't get him to understand that prior to us getting divorced, we were all wrong for each other.

I love the way people create stories in their minds about events that happened. He has totally rearranged his last night as a resident in this house. He specifically told me he didn't see anything wrong with the way he had been handling things, so I specifically told him that us trying to work on the marriage was pointless.

I can't take the madness. Every couple of days, I have to tell him that we aren't going to work. And I'm certain that if his relationship with the new baby's mama were okay, he wouldn't be thinking about any kind of reconciliation with me. He has lost his mind. I sincerely hope he finds it. I have nothing for him. I haven't made it a habit to go back. This works for me. Others, not so much. Lawd I hope he and that girl get it together so he can stop with the wishful thinking. I'm over it.

Marriage Counselor

2011-06-01T00:53:00.002-05:00

...it's what I've become. Not intentionally, and probably not because I'm the minority of the group that has been bold enough to actually be unhappy with someone and do something about it...it's probably because people trust me with information. And this is totally appropriate by the way. I can be trusted. This blog is pretty much anonymous, and I NEVER drop names :)

Anywhoo, first things first, someone I consider to be a really good friend has recently found out her husband of several years is cheating. And quite boldly might I add. Now, I immediately say (as if it's not obvious) that I'm not the one to seek for marital advice. This is because mine didn't survive. I wouldn't advise someone to just "get a divorce" because I don't like to see marriages fail. However, I understand. Ideally I would still be married to my child's father and we'd be doing the "happily ever after." Since it didn't work with him in the picture, I'm doing it all by myself. And loving every minute of it. I digress....okay, so yea, I'm not the one to be sought for marital anything. I'm no longer married. I told my friend to stick it out. Do what the Harriet Tubmans of marriage did. Tolerate bullshit. Give the kids a shot at growing up in a 2 parent home. Yada, yada, yada. I meant every word of that by the way.

Second things second, over the weekend, I found myself one of the most uncomfortable situations I've probably been in this year. I agreed to be a part of a wedding to someone I'd consider a friend (from way back), and it was just wrong. All wrong. During that evening and day of horror (read "rehearsal, ceremony, and reception"), I spoke with a girl I am familiar with, but wouldn't say we're friends. Honestly, not even associates. Definitely not enemies though. Basically what I'm trying to say is I went to school with her, but we probably only spoke to each other. Anydamnway, she told me during rehearsal about how horrible her marriage was going right now. She's been married for over 6 years, and she sounded like right now is an incredibly trying time. First of all, I couldn't believe she was telling me her business. Secondly, I didn't realize how cool the girl was. So after speaking with her about her marriage, and giving her the deets on my divorce, we came to no conclusions. I told her the same spiel I told my friend. Hang in there. Tough it out. Yada, yada, yada. And I hope she does.

Maybe the married folks of my generation do give up too quickly. I don't know. What I do know is there is something seriously wrong with society as a whole as far as the marriage bull. If people go into marriage knowing individuals aren't perfect, why is it that we expect them to be perfect? Or is it that we don't want their imperfection to be lying, cheating, and deceiving. I mean, honestly, that's my issue. I'd much rather have my guy's imperfection be something like he snores. Or farts in his sleep or some shit. NOT cheating. I'm not kidding, all of this marriage talk makes me feel like my expectations are all messed up. Why is expecting someone to be faithful unrealistic? I don't get it. Seriously. Anyway, I'm rambling. And I'm sleepy. I'm not proofreading. #POW

Misery Loves Company

2011-05-19T23:34:00.002-05:00

Wait, let's rephrase that....some kind of way. This week, I ran across one of my old coworkers. We were both trying to grab lunch on a busy Tuesday and some kind of way we started talking about the lasagna. Lame, I know. But apparently she eats the cafeteria's lasagna "all the time" and it usually "tastes pretty good." Cool. She sold me. So in the middle of making small talk and waiting on the good ol' cafeteria guy (that's always drunk) to serve us, she mentions something about she doesn't cook. Well, neither do I, but I'm not married. And my child isn't generally hungry when we get home. Not "whip me up a meal" hungry. I digress. Anywhoo, when I worked with this lady two years ago, she was married, and had been for over 20 years. So it struck me strange for her to say she didn't cook. I cluelessly asked, "What do y'all eat?" and this is when the shit hit the fan....she looked at me dumbfounded, as if I was supposed to automatically know something, and said "Who? It's just me. I don't have a husband."

WHAT!?!!

I was completely thrown off guard and said the dumbest shit that I could have possibly said. "Gguuuurrrrlll, we should have had a partay!!!!!" Welp. She looked at me crazy and said she didn't want to party. Well excusethafuckoutta me for thinking everyone is happy about their newfound freedom. It didn't dawn on me until that moment that not everyone wants to be divorced. I'm always trying to slap somebody damn five when they get out of situations they don't need to be in. Not thinking that maybe they were the servee of the papers versus the server. I'm so oblivious to the things other people go through in their relationships sometimes. I mean seriously, how foolish of me to just assume the woman wanted to celebrate. I felt like a mortal kombat idiot. To the tenth power.

I apologized. I had to. I didn't just apologize (bc it took me a minute to get my foot out of my mouth), I almost ran her down after she paid for her food so I could say sorry. I even gave her a hug. How dare I!! Me!!! Telling this woman she should have partied with me when her husband left her for a younger woman....so they say..... That's neither here nor there, I'll react differently next time I hear of someone's tragedy. Damn.

Hot Potato

2011-03-19T14:03:00.002-05:00

I wanted to drop her like one. A hot potato. HAHAHAHA!!! I'm serious though. I have a friend. And I use this term lightly, but we've been "friends" since 7th grade. Not on purpose, mind you. As a matter of fact, she didn't even like me at first. And I didn't do a damn thing to her ass.

Anyway, we never hung out with the same people. Ever. And honestly, we don't have a ton of stuff in common. Of course we probably could have had similar experiences at some point in time, but what teenagers don't? Doesn't mean we are one in the same.

Anyway, up to the point of why I'm just about sick of her and her attitude...about 6 months ago, I took a trip with one of my besties. This wench got mad and threw a fit, telling me how I never invite her to go anywhere....uh...oh-kay....so I'm planning a trip soon, with the same friend. I called my "friend" to see how she was doing, and this bitch has a 'tude (AGAIN) about the trip. Telling me how I never invite her to go anywhere....um...yea, I want your "Debbie downer" ass traveling cross country with me....NOT!!! Is she crazy!!??! Gotta be.

So after that last phone conversation, I decided that I was done. I don't have time for the drama every single time I talk to her. Questioning why she wasn't invited some damn where. And then she's the one that never has any money anyway. Hell NO!! Not coming. Not allowed. Not invited. Period. Well, I have you know this broad called me a couple of days ago acting like she had some sense. I don't care. I'm still not calling her anymore. If she wants to talk to me, she's going to have to call me. I'm sick of it.....

My Fake Relationship

2011-03-05T01:15:00.002-06:00

Who ever heard of such? I hadn't. Not before I made it up. So basically, my fake relationship involves me and my "friend" that I fell in love with almost a year ago. This is the dumbest shit EVAR, I know this. Basically, what we are doing is keeping each other from moving on, but also not saying we are in a relationship. Stupid shit. Dumb shit. I seriously know this. The good/bad news is he's moving thousands of miles away in a couple of weeks. Sucks for me because I'm gonna miss him. However, maybe once he is gone, I'll be able to move on. And so will he. I type that shit with ease as if I'm ready for either one of us to move on. I'm not kidding this shit is dumb. As a matter of fact, it's so dumb, none of my friends really know the extent that we hang out or talk. Or text. I've seen this kind of thing before. Just probably not in MY very own personal life. I'm gonna miss him when he leaves. For sure. I don't think I've ever had this hard of a time moving on after a relationship. I know why it's different though. It's because of the relationship we had prior to our dating relationship. What further complicates things is the fact that we had the dating relationship. Because we obviously got much closer during the past year, which further jacks up the dynamics of our already close relationship.

He and I were the kind of friends that could go months without talking, but pick up where we left off without missing a beat. He was one of the few guys that I could call a friend, and know that he would always be respectful, regardless of any inappropriate thought he may or may not have had prior to us taking the next step in our friendship deal. Did we "date" when we were 12? Yea. Do I consider that some serious relationship of my past? No. Did I kiss him and touch his peen on the back of the bus on the way home from New Orleans? Yep. No regrets either. How about that! Lol. Even with the kiss and the rubbing of the penis, we grew older, remained friends, and were able to keep it friendly after that.....and then there was 2010.....

So I said all of that to say I have absolutely no idea how to come back from what we have developed over the past year. NO idea. At all. Not without the friendship being tainted. But maybe it's already tainted. I don't know. I just know that I never wanted to ruin what we had pre 2010. I'm preparing myself for the day of new relationships and fewer calls and texts. That's gonna be rough. I already know it. Or maybe it won't be. Maybe I'll become engulfed in schoolwork and not give two shits about what or who he's doing. We'll see.....

At least for the next 2 weeks I have a fake boyfriend. Whatever. We'll see.

What's That Ya Say?

2011-03-05T00:50:00.002-06:00

The grass wasn't so green on the other side? Well duh. I could have told him it wouldn't be. And as in "he", I mean my child's dad. I know I've mentioned the fact that he's been hinting around at trying to get back with me. Apparently that PYT he was chasing last year isn't all he cracked her up to be. Worse off than him I hear. Which sucks. I know her car got repo'd, she's not working, and according to him, her folks are crazy. Bwwwwaaaaaaahhhhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

It's not funny. Well, it is. But it's not nice of me to laugh. So I just had to have a twenty something minute long conversation with this fool about why he and I would never work. I have to go through the whole spiel about him missing me and changing and shit. Well, what the hell ever, I'm not hearing it. I find it so hilarious that people forget the way they once felt, as if they will never feel that way again, or as if the way they felt had nothing to do with other issues. I tried my best to explain to this clown that our issues went way deeper than him not having a real job. He agreed a couple of years ago, now he acts as if he is somebody totally different. Truth be told, if he and I had had a more solid friendship within our relationship, we probably would have survived that storm. But for me, I was thinking, "dude, you can't possibly have this many negatives and be tripping. And damn sure not trying to cheat! GTFOH!" When I'm a ride or die chick for my guy, I'm really ride or die. The first fool that I fell in love with could have probably gotten away with working the front counter and Burger King, and it wouldn't have mattered. I would have let him use the car to work the late shift. I would have texted him and told him to bring me a whopper with cheese home. That kind of shit. I would have loved his dirty draws. Seriously. I never had that kind of love for the baby's dad. Never. So...sorry.

What can I say? If it's the not there, it's just not. Nothing I can do to change that. Nothing he can do either. It's just one of those things. Too bad, so sad. Anyway, I hope he finds another chick to take his mind off the possibility of us ever getting back together. And soon. Trying to explain shit to him that I've already explained is almost draining. What a marriage that would have been, had it lasted longer than 1.9 years. Ha!! Thank the Lawd for deliverance!

Why Is This News?

2011-02-23T22:12:00.002-06:00

For the past several days, I have felt like I was on my deathbed. Ignoring calls, half responding to texts....not eating...all of that kind of stuff. My phone rings yesterday, and it's my cousin. One of the foolish ones. Because I had ignored her call days before, I decided to answer. Now let me go ahead and put this out here. Very seldom does she call me and actually want something....so why would I assume this time would be any different? I don't know what I was thinking.

This bitch is immediately singing on the other end of the phone about having some "good news" for me. She says the shit twice, and I'm like, "Damn. What is it?" I have you know this bitch called me to tell me she fucked some dude that we grew up with. I don't care. Not even a little bit. She had already exaggerated about the size of his dick, then sent me the picture of the fabricated dick, like I can't damn see. So anyway, yea, she calls me about good news of her fucking, like it's some shit I should tweet about. I could even see if this was her first time. It's not. Not even almost.

I have never been the type to want to share the explicit details of my sexual encounters with my friends. Or relatives, for that matter. But for some reason, some of my folks want to tell me about every nook and cranny their dicks hit while they are getting their backs beat out. Why the hell do people think I wanna hear this shit? I don't!!! Damn. These crazy ass bitches.

Twitter and Facebook....

2011-02-05T23:42:00.003-06:00

are just pathways to destruction. I'm not much of a twitter/facebook stalker. Wait. Yes I am. Sometimes. But check it out. The ex (hub) follows me on twitter. I don't follow him, but clearly I get nosy sometimes. Tonight was one of those times. So I'm checking out this broke nigga's timeline, and he all talking about he out eating at Bonefish and shit. Well, I've never been one to want somebody starving, but um er ruh....nigga, don't you owe me almost a grand? Oh. Ok. That's what I was thinking. I let him have it the other day when he mentioned having to get his hair twisted so he doesn't have to start work on Monday lookin a fool. But luxury eating out and shit? When I snacked on fucking catfish nuggets courtesy of my aunt? Please. I wants my money.

And he'll do shit like pay me a little something here and there, toward his steadily rising balance, but this shit here....nope. I'll be sending him a courtesy text either NOW or tomorrow about when he plans to make his next deposit. Fuck it. I chose "NOW". And yea, it's almost midnight. I gives not one damn....okay. So he says he'll be making a deposit. He better be. I can't stand that shit. Don't owe me money and decide every damn thing else is more important than what the hell you owe me. And I hate when I have to hear, "You know I had to pay so and so." As if I don't have other shit I have to pay too. Like yea, I'll tell the people at the baby's preschool that I don't have her tuition because I had to pay the mortgage. They don't give a damn. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There Isn't Anything Wrong With Me

2011-02-05T00:08:00.003-06:00

Except my taste in guys, obviously. Now let me preface this post by saying...I'm not some lonely chick that sits around waiting for my perfect man to show up. I'm okay with being by myself. Like 99% of the time. And then a night like tonight, when I have too much free time, that shouldn't be free, I find myself thinking way too much. It doesn't help matters much that I'm a self proclaimed music buff. I'm all about some pandora. And these songs, they just... I don't know. I don't like rap. Not enough to create a "Dr. Dre" station on 'dora, anyway. So yea, 10 times out of 10, the songs that play will have some kind of "love" undertone. Wait. Sometimes pandora will slip some shit in on you. Like seriously. I was listening to my "Tamia" station the other day. They played like 2 Tupac songs. Nearly back to back. WTF?

So yea, what I'm saying is, I don't get lonely per se, but every now and again, I reflect on relationships that didn't work out. And I can't help but tell myself, for the upteenth time, I'm awesome. The guy that ends up with me is going to be one lucky fella. I can say this with confidence because, well, shit, because I'm me. I'm cracking myself up. My worst fault is that I'm not a neat freak (read "hoarder in the making"). But hell, I can pay somebody to come clean all this shit up. And actually, one day...as I've been telling myself for the past couple of years, I'm gonna. That is one thing I'll give the ex (husband) credit for. He could clean up some shit. Hell, I know he needs some extra money. I'm thinking about decreasing his debt in exchange for an hour or 2 of his cleaning services....what? Oh. I'm just saying. Shit.

But yea, back to the post. So, you know how you see a beautiful, smart, witty, _____, _______, (insert whatever wonderful qualities in those blanks that you'd like), and she's single. Or she can't seem to keep a man? It's normal ( I guess) for one to ask, "What the hell is wrong with her?" Well, I feel like sooner or later, someone will be asking that about me. And I swear, I've already asked myself that. The answer remains the same. There's not shit wrong with me. It's these blind mofos that don't realize how awesome I am. And I'm not upset, they need to be wherever they are. That doesn't include wasting my time (or theirs). I mean yea, so what, I don't make my bed up every single time I get out of it, but shit. Is that the worst thing I could not do? I could NOT give a damn about the well being of my potential significant other, but that's not how I roll.

Whatever though. I try to take moments like these (single moments) as time for me to regroup and do whatever the hell I feel like doing. Life is good. I can't complain. I've never felt like I needed a hard leg to complete me. I'm fine loving on my child every night. We cuddle too. It's like she can smell me when I get in bed. She just eases her way right over to my neck so I can keep her safe while she sleeps. And has nightmares about things that are less scary to me...yea, me getting her out of my bed and into her own...well, that will be a totally different post in itself. :)

I Have Nothing...

2011-02-02T23:07:00.002-06:00

(like Whitney said) better to do right now that blog. Actually, take that back. I should be asleep, but I'm not. However, I'll try to make this quick enough so that I'm sleeping in the next 37 minutes. So much dumb shit has been going on around me, it's hard to pick one particular thing to talk about.....and since I have no life (AGAIN), let's examine the likes of someone else's.

Today, we'll touch on my child's dad. I've already mentioned the fact that he has another child. Well, let's rewind a tad, to the way I found out about this poor conception. And let me clarify, the kid is really a cute kid. I mean, I held him and all. Really cute kid....okay. A few months before I found out there was a baby on the way, I noticed, let's call him child's father (CF) was acting weird. On edge....and like really stressed out. So every now and again, I asked what his problem was. Of course I got the "nothing" answer pretty much 100% of the time. Fast forward a few months. I'm on the phone with my cousin, who is still cool with CF for some unknown reason. She says to me, "I have something to tell you. And you better not say anything!!" Well, I knew it had something to do with him. I just knew it. And not only did I know THAT, I also guessed the secret. "She's pregnant?" After getting my confirmation, I yelled "I KNEW IT!!!" like 8 times. I don't know if I guessed it because I feel like he's against condoms or because of his obvious stress, but...I don't know. The kind of stressed he was only comes about if there's some kind of positive blood test, or a baby....thank God it was the latter. Ha. Wait. Not funny.

So I manage to keep this information to myself for a few weeks. Then I got my cousin to flip the shit around on him so that he would think I told her...after a little scheming, my mission was accomplished. He knew that I knew, yet waited another month to confirm it. And I'm sure he didn't want to tell me because he was embarrassed. Hell, if I were a thirty something year old dude, unable to consistently pay $500 a month for my first child, AND had another coming, I'd be ashamed too....but he finally let it out. I laughed. A lot. As he probably figured I would do. I couldn't help it though. It was funny. Look, it only took me having one child to know what to do if I didn't want anymore....

I began making jokes about once or twice a week. Told him I'd sell him some of my old baby stuff for the low. Of course he didn't find it funny. And actually, I wasn't joking when I offered him some of the stuff. I mean, I was giving him a substantial discount on top dollar shit. Damn.

So now that the baby is here...he's managed to still take care of his fatherly duties. In every aspect but finance.....sigh....and he's gonna start working that job. So...that's good, right? Oh, and not to mention he's been trying to get his ass back over here. That's another post in itself. Which I may save for next time....but yea. Two baby mamas, no job yet, no clue, NO nothing... I'm honestly just glad that he's not my "in house" problem anymore.....I think my time is up...Gotta go to bed.......

Well, I'll be...

2011-01-18T22:18:00.002-06:00

A damn monkey's uncle. As if I don't have enough shit to be doing, I decide to get my country ass on blogger tonight. I have entirely too many updates to even attempt to get it all in tonight. And what sucks the most is if I don't blog about shit immediately, it kind of seems pointless months later.

Let's do a brief update, then I'll make an attempt to be a regular on this page again. So, first things first, my friend...the one I started dating nearly a year ago...the one I thought was so perfect for me? FAIL. We didn't make it. The good news is...I'm not angry. Also, we're still friends. So.....yea, whatever. I'm back on the market.

Secondly, my child's father has managed to father another child. Now that poor soul that was "smart" (read "dumb") enough to actually let him impregnate her, AND keep the child...well... Not that I'd push for an abortion with anyone's child, I'm just saying. While we were married, I made him use condoms, I was on the pill, AND a couple of times I bought a plan B just to make sure. Not to mention he's behind on child support. I can't with him...I just can't. He is supposed to start working a real job. Yea...I guess it took another child and being damn near too broke to put food in his mouth, or gas in his car for him to realize it. Anywho, the deets of my life's drama will be unfolding before your eyes. Not to mention, I've decided to go back to school. So yea, this is gonna be an interesting year...I look forward to dishing my dirt in a public forum again. I've missed it!!!

Relationship Ramble

2010-08-21T13:34:00.004-05:00

Is it possible to be so used to negative things coming out of certain situations, that you don't know how to accept happiness when it finally comes your way?

The past 6 months (in my newfound relationship) have been great. Not perfect, but really good. And at times, I find myself waiting on the catch, the gotcha gotcha (as Laurieann would say). Still, no dice...I've been more places, planned more things, had more conversations than I could have ever thought possible....

I hesitate sharing my true feelings with people for a few reasons....reason numero 1) Not everyone believes in good relationships. 2) I'd rather keep the people out of my business...and 3) maybe it's because I'm not sure if I believe it myself....

I have decided (as hard as it may be) to take things a day at a time. I'm actually okay with knowing that it's indeed possible for me to truly care about someone again. I haven't been this way in close to 10 years....nope, not even my ex husband got this kind of attention from me. And that's mainly because somewhere deep down, I knew I had no business with him to begin with.

I find myself having the conversations with my new guy that I should have had with the ex...way before we got married...or in bed together for that matter. We are having the hard conversations now...and I mean hard! The kind of "hard" that can make you wonder if you'll be together once they are over. And I truly mean "conversations". No arguing, or screaming, or fighting...but the things we talk about are those things that could lead to all of those if you don't have an understanding...so I'm thankful for those.

I'm rambling...and I'm aware...so bear with me. Oh, I'm funny to myself. We have also been doing these little evaluations (my idea). I never came up with a steady interval for us to evaluate our relationship, but I think the last evaluation was at the 6 month mark. All was well...so I was told. I'm making every effort possible for us to keep an open line of communication...since I know how important that is....

I dunno...I'm tired of rambling b/c my head is starting to hurt..and I'm sure that's largely based on the fact that I have my hair pulled back in a"ducktail" and it's way too tight!! I'll be back later.

Celibacy #FAIL

2010-08-21T10:28:00.002-05:00

Well.....that was fun while it lasted!! A whole "almost" 3 months of celibacy!! Wow...so far, I can't think of anything I've been able to hold out on.....shopping? I tell myself it's a sale, so it's not that bad....junk food? I tell myself "it's only one", so I eat it anyway....sex? The devil made me do it.

So much for that! As far as the new beau, we're still going strong...we haven't had any major pow wows...he still seems to be the person I think he is....so we'll see...

I think I'll have a few things to post in the next couple of days....I don't want to bundle it all up in one random post...

My Baggage

2010-03-15T22:46:00.005-05:00

Okay, it's been a minute and I figured a little update wouldn't hurt...so here goes....

Well, my guy and I have been great thus far. As all relationships start off. We've had too many dates to count, and my child appears to be crazy about him. He's my equal. I think. Well, kind of. He's more of a "by the book" person. I'm more of a "whatever is convenient" person ...depending on what it is. I find his need to do things the correct way cute. He finds my need to teeter the edge equally amusing. I think. Lol...

So here lies the problem. Well, actually it's not a problem. Yes it is. Okay...I have trust issues. Big shocker, right?!! Probably not so much. I'm not used to trusting guys. It doesn't suck as much for him because I'm good at keeping my insecurities to myself. Just waiting on the second I can tell myself I was right not to trust him, but so far, I'm coming up short.

It's NOT normal to sniff through people's things. NOT normal, I say! The sad part is, I've gotten so used to doing that, it feels weird to NOT do it. WTF!!! Talk about damaged goods. He knows I'm a little damaged, but I'm not sure if he knows the extent. And it's still good for him because I refuse to let my past, good for nothing niccas ruin something for me that could be good. I'll allow it to be as good as it can be. I'll love and like freely, and do my best to act like someone who has some sense. I'll trust him until I have a reason not to. I'll try not to question anything he says if I don't have a reason. And if I think I have a reason, I'll make sure it's a good one.

On a different note, we still haven't had any sex. I will keep in mind that it hasn't even been 2 months yet, but man....this feels like the longest time EVAR!! No kidding, being a mommy sure does change things about the dating scene. "Pre-mommy" me would probably be almost a full fledge resident at his crib right about now. Hardly spending a night at my own place. I like the fact that I can't "play house" with him. It will definitely make things better later....

Well, that's all for now. Probably not, but I had written this blog last night, but lost some of the content b/c my laptop wants to be replaced...if anything else comes to mind, I'll surely write about it.

We Shall See....

2010-02-21T02:34:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I have chosen to NOT have sex again until I'm married.....now don't get me wrong, this is, and will continue to be, a daily struggle. And it's scary too!

I started having sex almost 16 years ago....that's a long time to be in the sex game. LOL!! I'm just sayin....but seriously, the older I get, the more I feel like there has to be a better way. Now don't get me wrong, I like banging. A LOT actually, but as far as relationships go, in the beginning anyway, I just think sex complicates things. If I can be with someone that I really care about, AND get to know them on a level way deeper than sex, that would be awesome... however, it would suck to finally have sex on the wedding night or something, and it suck....

I'm faithful....in the idea that it won't suck on the wedding night. I'm not planning any wedding, but I may be planning one one day. If not, I'll just be one unbanged sister. I mean, I thought about it, and I'm totally worth the wait....why did it take me so long to get that? Never too late though, right?

I'm still not sure how far I'll go with my guy....I'm pretty sure there will be NO oral sex....maybe a little finger banging here and there.....but definitely NO penetration. I'll dry hump my vagina raw, but he won't feel my warm goodness unless he's my spouse. I brushed up against his crotch by accident...seriously, it was an accident! But um, yea....I would totally have something to look forward to...size wise.....I can't speak on anything else though...surely we would be able to work with anything else.....maybe? Hopefully....

Like I said, I have faith that if and when I'm married to someone else, if I wait...you know, and do it the "right" way, I won't be disappointed. God wouldn't do that to me, would he? Give me the strength to wait until I got married, just for the sex to be whack....Oh please God don't do that to me! Please!

I'll keep you guys posted on my journey to re-virginizing myself.....may the force be with me!

Baby Daddy Drama

2010-02-21T01:43:00.003-06:00

You know what, it's not even drama. Not really. Only because I won't let there be. I'm sure I mentioned something about this in my last post...okay, maybe not. I just kind of checked....

Okay, I did mention the fact that I have a new guy. The ex is well aware, and now has somewhat started to grind the crap out of my nerves about how much time we are spending together (with our child).....now let me be the first to say, there is no way, in a different situation, I would have introduced my child to another guy so soon. Because I have known my guy over half of my life, I was okay with it....that's just me. No worries, there will NOT be a plethora of guys in and out of this house....so now that I've just put that out there, I'll continue...

Before me and the ex's divorce was over, we had brief conversations about dating other people and our child's involvement with whoever we may be seeing. I realize I can't control who my ex dates, nor do I want to. I can't make him mindful of who he has my child around. I can only hope and pray that the mush he has for brains will allow him to think rationally....

So we, and as in "we", I mean my baby, myself, and my guy have been hanging. Movies, dinner, Friday nights in....we've been doing these things. Well, the baby daddy ain't feeling that so much. He wants to know "how is she with him?" and "how much is she around him?". He's not asking because he's worried about her well being, he's asking because he doesn't want another guy around her more than him. Let me go back to the conversation I had with him a while back. Which, by the way, was as effective as any conversation I could have had with a rock. Or pillow cushion....I'm just sayin... But during the convo, I basically told him that it would be up to him to make sure our child keeps him close to her heart. That's not my responsibility. I told him that. Like a billion times. He either ignored me, forgot, or didn't comprehend. I can't help but think it's a combination of those things.

During a regular week, he'll see her Monday-Friday, when he picks her up to take her to the babysitter. That's about a 25 minute ride, depending on traffic. No, I'm not a passenger in the vehicle with them, but I'm pretty sure during those 25 minutes, he's listening to the radio, and NOT talking to her. Unless of course she says something that warrants a response. He'll also get her on Sundays. Now those days, he'll have her all day and sometimes overnight. This is during a "regular" week. Well, it's been a minute since the weeks have been regular. His vehicle was out of commission for several weeks. Like a really long time. So during those weeks, he couldn't come get her. Understandable. However, his phone was not cut off....so I figure he could have called. Very few days, he did. Most, he didn't.

He chose to ask me those dreaded questions again the other night. How much time are we spending with my guy? Really? I haven't figured out yet, what concern that should be of his. This time around, I ask him if he's doing ALL he can do to make sure our child keeps him on her mind vs. someone else. What does he do when I ask that simple question? You guessed it! He gets all defensive and all of a sudden, I'm coming at him "sideways". Lol....Now I'm pretty sure I didn't approach the question in an accusatory manner. I know I didn't. Because I thought it through before I said it, to make sure I didn't. But that's not what he heard. I haven't figured out yet how to communicate with him so that he understands what I'm saying. Maybe I should take it to "the street" with him......maybe he'd understand that better....I'm just sayin....

That particular day, it had been 4 days since he had talked to my angel. FOUR days! He has the number to the babysitter's house. He calls her before he gets to her house when he's dropping the baby off, so I'm positive he has the number. Therefore, he has NO excuse not to at least just talk to her....so because I know the subject is going to come up again, I have to figure out how I'll really get my point across....I've tried to stop cursing, but maybe he understands that better.... Ooooh!!! Nope! I got it! I'll put it in a rap song! BAM!

*off to write my 16 bars*

A Different Me.....

2010-02-04T23:29:00.003-06:00

Like Keyshia Cole's last album.....in the sense that I'm drama free for the most part. So now all you guys get to read about are my sappy love stories. Lol! I'm really all about some happiness, but sometimes jaw dropping drama is just better. This means I have to give you the low down on somebody else's issues, since the biggest thorn in my side right now is my child's dad. And even he's starting to accept the fact that I've moved on.....

So let's get to it. I have this friend, I guess I can call her a friend....I met her some time in middle school. She was very sheltered, and ended becoming your normal freakazoid once she got some freedom...well, I think she was okay during our high school years. As a matter of fact, she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. I can't remember how long they were married, but I know it wasn't long. Soon after they divorced, she met up with a guy she grew up with, her soulmate was what she called him, and they married.....

Well....I honestly figured she wasn't ready for marriage (in my opinion) because she candidly told me about all the bisexual fun she'd had at her bachelorette party....fast fwd to her present/past situation. Some kind of way, she got caught up with some guy she had class with. They ended up having a relationship for an unknown period of time. Her husband found out about her loose ways, forgave her, and let her stay.....well, that was the first time around. I can't remember if she cheated again after that (with that guy), but I know she met up with someone else. The first fiasco was a while ago. The most recent was maybe a few weeks ago. Well, how's about she got caught again.....

Imagine your significant other getting a glimpse of you giving some random guy head. On video, that is. First of all, why she would record herself or allow herself to be recorded, with her phone, giving some dude head is beyond me. Like really? Did she get that caught up? Where they do that at? I'm like WOW...is she trying to get her skull cracked?!

The whole idea of getting caught cheating is crazy to me...I mean, a text message would be enough. But this dude actually had to witness that....that's crazy. I feel sorry for dude....I'm pretty sure he won't be taking her back this time around. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows....

I just found it funny that when I was going through my marital woes, she was the main person telling me how "Jesus was on the main line" and the importance of marriage, blah, blah, blah. I knew not to listen to her advice though. Why on earth would I do that! Lol! She even invited me to her church one Sunday to hear her preach her first sermon. YES, I said that. I didn't go of course....with good reason. That was when she was really into church. I almost laughed just then, but decided it would be best for me not to. It's really not funny. I'm not sure what void she's trying to fill, but I hope she figures it out soon!

Funny How Things Happen

2010-01-30T03:02:00.002-06:00

So yea, about my new friend.....well, for starters, I had no intentions of starting any new relationships any time soon. In my mind, it would be me and the little one for a while...doing our thing...bonding and such.....well, that "planning" thing is a little funny sometimes...

This guy, my guy.....we met about 16 years ago....yea, 16 whole years ago. It was the summer before 7th grade, we met at summer camp. Back then he was the hott preppy guy, smart, nice legs....all of that. Well, needless to say, I snagged him. Yep, for one whole week, he was my guy. We sat next to each other on the bus when it was field trip time. We kissed, held hands....you know, regular 7th grade stuff. Well, I think camp lasted 4 weeks. He and I were "together" for about a week. I'm pretty sure I broke up with him once camp was over. I saw him the next summer during another camp, but we didn't hook back up. We remained friends, but that was about it. Since we didn't go to the same school, I hardly ever saw him. We'd run into each other at random places, but it wasn't often at all.

Fast forward a spell...to high school..I saw a mutual friend of ours and got his number. We started talking on the phone and did some catching up. I ended up being his date for junior prom. Senior year, we talked enough to kind of keep up with one another. Once we were out of high school, we kept in touch enough to know a little about what the other was doing......we ended up at the same college for a semester or 4 and kept in touch after that. We were always involved with someone so we kept it friendly...

Well, to make this story short, since I'm sick of typing now....we have pretty much done a lot of catching up since '06....and imagine this, just recently we were both at a point where we weren't involved with anyone, and BAM.....there it is. LOL! That's pretty much the story in a nutshell. We have decided to give each other a chance......so....I'm dating my friend. A very good friend....

Stay tuned you guys....this is going to be good.....

What's Good For The Goose....

2010-01-30T02:52:00.002-06:00

is supposedly good for the gander, right? Well, maybe not. In my last entry, I'm pretty sure I mentioned something about my ex having a new lady friend, one with whom he was so serious with that he was contemplating moving miles away to live with her.....yea, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that......

Well, can someone please tell me why he's having such a hard time with me moving on as well.... I mean real tears and everything....WTF? Is he freakin serious? Did he honestly expect me to just sit around missing him? Surely not. I guess it doesn't help that my new guy has everything going for him that the ex didn't....his insecurity issues always did bother me...I haven't figured out what to tell him yet, and actually I'm not dwelling on it too much. He shall be okay soon enough....telling me, "He's nothing like me!"...um, yea, surely he didn't expect me to show up with someone similar to him....surely not.

Anyway, I'm rambling probably because I'm sleepy......

Meanwhile, Back in Babymamaville.......

2010-01-07T19:20:00.004-06:00

I know I'm a little late with the "New Year" wishes and all, but hey, better late than never, right? I'm so behind on the blogs, I'll just have to do a quick update, then stay on top of it.

First things first, I'm free!!! Yep, I'm a free agent again. The divorce was final back in November. Close to one week after my last entry. I had no idea it would be that soon. I called the law office on a Monday to tell the lady they could proceed. She called me back that Friday to tell me it was done with. Imagine my surprise and excitement! I truly felt like a burden had been lifted. There has been nothing, as of yet, to make me regret that decision.

It's funny how you truly see people for what/who they are once you remove yourself from a situation. I had been with a "man", who for years, has sacrificed relationship after relationship, for his love of music. Wow. It's that serious. Well, for his sake, I hope he gets everything he needs from it.

On another note, let me just throw in the fact that before our divorce was final, he met another young lady. She happens to live out of town. Well, guess what news I received recently.....yep, he's contemplating moving out of town. Yep again. With his new boo. Now keep in mind, his reasoning is strictly for his music...because this city is up and coming in the music scene...yada, yada, yada.....basically, as far as I'm concerned, he's thinking about moving away for new pussy. And maybe something will happen with his music while he's there. At first I was pretty upset, mainly because I think that's the first step of abandonment (where the child is concerned), but it took me about 24 hours to get over it. At this point, I don't care what he does. He's not my problem and he doesn't have to be our child's problem either. I would like to hope that he realizes the strain that will put on his relationship with her, but I kinda don't think he does. And at this point, I doubt if he even cares. Of course he says he does, but that's what people are supposed to say. For me it's about his actions to back it up.....we'll see....

That's all for now. I'll return sooner than later!!!

Life's Updates.....

2009-11-14T01:47:00.001-06:00

Let me do a quick recap on life's changes over the past several months....

So I clearly should be divorced by now....but I'm not. I actually should have been finally divorced back in September, but something happened. I had a husband that told me he would do "whatever he had to do" to make it work. I figured I hadn't done all I could to make it work either, so why not......

Well, let me tell you why not. For starters, he moved back in....that lasted all of 2 months, which brings us to the point we're at now. Three weeks before the divorce was going to be final, I called the law office and told them to hold off. The lady kindly told me I had 365 days to go on with the proceedings before the case would be thrown out. After he got back, things were fine for a spell, and then I started having flashbacks.....I know, I know.....I shouldn't dwell on the past. Well, guess what?!!?! I wasn't. The reason I was having flashbacks is because I was seeing the same behaviors in him that I saw a year ago, which had us at that point in the first place.

Now I know people don't change overnight. I really do know that. But for me, it was about knowing someone had the desire to change. He didn't. Not for himself anyway. And what good was it going to do him to make adjustments strictly for me. That never works. It would be like me having a problem with a fat person, and them only wanting to lose weight to satisfy me. I'd rather not have that kind of pressure on somebody.

I get that no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean don't strive to be better. And if you don't feel like there's room for improvement, nor do you have the desire to make any, what's the point?

I just decided that I wouldn't wait another year for him to show me the same person I've already seen......and I hate when people say "I'll do whatever it takes", when clearly there should be some kind of clause....like say, "I'll do whatever it takes, except"....................

Ugh.

Stroke Mine!!

2009-11-14T01:28:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I have a problem. I have taken many classes throughout the years. Many. And while I don't profess to remember every.single.thing from those classes, I have a little knowledge. I mean hey, I still remember that song, Fifty Nifty United States , and I learned that way back when. I'm just saying.....

Even in life's lessons, some things have not come easy for me. One class in particular that I was not fortunate enough to take was Ego Strokin 101. And while in previous years, I have stroked an ego or two, I realized later that it really wasn't worth my effort. It only made for overconfident men (boys) who were not in touch with reality. Simply put, those bamas just run out. And yes, I did say "bamas". I hear the older women around me say things like, "Girl, you know men need their egos stroked!" Well, you know what? I need my damn ego stroked too. If I allow myself to "stroke an ego" that clearly is not deserving of any stroking, that could easily be a recipe for disaster.

Now while I don't think it's okay to bruise one's ego, I'm all about being for real. I can't allow myself to lie or pretend, just so a grown man can feel good about himself. Who woulda ever thought men could be so sensitive and needy. So clearly I need some help.....because one day I'm sure I'll be in another relationship.....and maybe it won't be so hard. That's if the guy is doing something worthy of the strokin......

Another Friday Night....

2009-11-06T23:19:00.002-06:00

At home alone. Well, not alone for real. My little sidekick is here with me, but she's asleep. AND I can't talk noise with her so....

It's been fifty leven years since my last real entry, so let me just explain why. Kind of. A couple of months ago, I ended up telling my soon to be ex about my blog. Not on purpose though. My email associated with this blog was up, blah, blah, blah...Well, that somewhat took away from the whole "me" in my anonymous blog. And even though I didn't direct him to the page, and he didn't actually see the page, it still took away from it. When I originally started this blog, it was supposed to be my thing. The things that I want to blog about, or the things that I have blogged about in the past aren't necessarily things he would want to know about. And that's another reason why I was doing it. MY outlet. Ya know?

It's been an interesting few months for the fam... I guess those escapades deserve entries of their own.............

Too Long!

2009-11-03T20:26:00.001-06:00

It's been entirely too long since I've blogged. Like seriously. I'm back though. Not literally right this minute, but really soon. Lots of updates!

Straight Up

2009-08-12T01:25:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm watching the last 30 minutes of Big Brother that I tivo'd earlier, so I figure I can do one more entry.
I just spent like almost 2 hours on the phone talking to Casper. Y'all remember him, right? The dude with all the skeletons in his closet? Well, anyway, other than his big cemetery he has in his closet, he's actually a pretty decent guy. And by no means does that "other than" mean he's a potential for me. He's so not. We have a nice relationship, especially since he doesn't know I know about his other life. And it's not important. Hey, no judgement.
So anyway, we're talking. Having a really nice conversation, and I start thinking. What kind of person am I? Really? What is it that I desire in a guy? Don't know.
What I did conclude is that I desire honesty. Even if it means I have to hear, from the horse's mouth, that I'm "not it anymore" or that he thinks about banging his coworker every Tuesday when she wears the red dress....whatever, I want to know.
It is true that everyone can't handle the truth, but for whatever reason, I feel like I can. And when I say "handle", I simply mean that my skin is tough enough that I won't completely come out of a bag on a jigga. Why can't guys be straight up? What is it with telling people what they think they want to hear? I'd much rather a guy "hurt" me with the truth versus lie to me and I find out later. Such as life though, right?
I have found, in my twenty something years of living, that the only way a guy will be honest with you, is if you're in his "homie" category. At least first. Then there's always that chance that the lies start after certain lines are crossed.
And I'm so sure that I don't want a romantic relationship with this one guy that I know is as honest with me as he knows how to be. That's a whole different story. He has issues that I'd rather not be a part of. Honesty and all, I'll pass on that.
Guess it's my bedtime now, but man, where are the honest fellas?!

Dying Over Here.....

2009-08-12T01:14:00.002-05:00

laughing at my friend...Okay, you know what, it's not funny. It's crazy. And what's even crazier is that I said nothing. Absolutely nothing....let me just fill you in on the funniness....
Okay, so I talk to my friend tonight, and she's ranting and raving about this guy that she decided wasn't worth her time. Okay, that's fine. I'm letting her rant...AND rave. So apparently she said something to him that really ruffled his feathers. I'm thinking he told her to "lose his number" or something.
Why? Why? Why did this girl say "Girl, and then he spelled lose wrong. He spelled it l-o-s-e. I was like WRONG, it's l-o-o-s-e!"
I couldn't. I really couldn't muster up the nerve to tell her that it was she, indeed, that didn't really know how to spell. I just decided I'd pretend I wasn't really paying attention. I think I'll tell her one day. Maybe.

My Flaws...

2009-08-10T23:37:00.002-05:00

What flaws? I'm pretty sure I'm flawfree. Okay, not really, but going through this whole divorce process has forced me to look at the "man in the mirror" (R.I.P. MJ). LOL!! Seriously though, I have done a little bit of self reflecting and honestly, I'm drawing a blank. Besides the fact that I'm always right, potentially selfish, NOT domestic, stubborn, and just an outright asshole, I couldn't find anything wrong.

I had no idea this divorce would be so emotionally draining on me. And most of it comes from someone else's emotions. I remember feeling relieved once I had left the lawyer's office...now, not so much. "I'll do whatever I need to" is what I was told a few days ago. What exactly does that mean? As if he could possibly be someone other than who he is.....boy, if it were only that simple. I love the way he thinks everything is going to magically be better. Like now all of a sudden the things he was unhappy about won't matter anymore. Sure they won't. I bet they wouldn't matter for at least 4 or 5 months. Hell, maybe even like 8 months. Who knows? I don't. What I do know is the issues that we have had in the past won't just go away.

Some days my head hurts just from reading a text that he sends. And a whole live conversation? Man, talk about frustrating. I've always felt like I had communication skills....well, I'm still convinced that when I speak, some people hear Latin or maybe French. I mean, maybe I am actually saying something that I don't know I'm saying, but for some reason I doubt it. Ugh....I don't know. I'll just be glad when it's over.

Marrying the Mob

2009-07-30T00:18:00.003-05:00

My cousin "Tina" called me the other day to get some reception ideas. Yep, she has decided to go ahead and marry "Ike". He's going to make an honest woman out of her. I wasn't sure if I should congratulate her or not, so I didn't. I simply gave her a suggestion and that was that. After all, who am I to question why she would want to marry someone that kicks her ass every couple of years? Maybe their relationship is bigger than that. I bet those beatings are so few and far between that she doesn't even think about them ~~until I call her Rihanna~~. Yea, it's not like I scored a "pass" in Marriage 101. It's strange though, because I got an "A" in Marriage and the Family. My teacher was pret-ty impressed with me. Hmmm.....

I've not ever had to deal with domestic abuse, but I'm pretty sure I heard it gets worse after marriage. And maybe she thinks that since she's been shacked up with him for that past couple of years playing house that it's the same. I have got to figure out how to approach this so I ~~have no guilty feelings when he beats her to sleep again~~ can say I "did my part". On the flip side, is it really my business? Of course it is, she's my little cousin. I love her dearly. She's kind of like the little sister I ~~would have disowned~~ never had. I'll just mention it again....ask her if she's okay being married to someone who could potentially abuse her on a daily basis. She's a ~~dumbass~~ tough girl, I'm sure she'll say she's fine with it. Man I hope his "Chris Brown" spells don't become a regular thing. That domestic violence thing is nothing to take lightly. Man I would hate for something to happen to her.......

My Life

2009-07-29T23:49:00.007-05:00

is just that. It's life. I can't complain, although at times I feel like it. Going through this whole divorce thing hasn't been as bad as I thought. I guess some days are a little worse than others. I think it would be much easier to deal with if me and the "ex" ~~weren't still banging randomly~~ were on the same page...as far as preparing for our lives independently.

I don't think I'll ever understand why people sometimes don't get the urge to get on the good foot until it's basically too late. For months and months prior to our separation, I feel like I tried. No, I didn't give it "my all", but I ~~pretended to~~ tried. And speaking of "giving it your all", why do people advise that? "You fight until you can't fight no more." "Give it all you got before you throw the towel in." What the hell kind of advice is that? What's left for me if I "fight until I can't fight no more"? I'm not Einstein or anything, but that sounds like it would leave me drained and bitter. I would much rather fight right up to the round that borders enemy ground. That way I can say that I gave it all I could before I ended up hating him. Yea, I like that much better.

I'm not sure how much longer until everything is final, but I really can't wait for that phone call. One of my friends suggested that I have a "divorce" party. Sounds like a plan to me. I just don't want the ex to get wind of it ~~and show up shooting~~ and get the wrong idea. I can see how that has the potential to be hurtful. As cold and heartless as he claims I am, he would probably expect it. I tried to explain to him that I care, I just deal with things differently. No since in crying over spilled milk, right? That's what I say. Hell, I cried enough during the marriage. I'm pretty much all cried out. I think. Wait, I did ~~pretend to~~ have a semi breakdown the other day. I do get sad that I pretty much sucked at staying married, despite the mental promise I made to our child. I'm pretty sure she'll ~~wonder how we ended up together in the first place~~ understand when she gets older.

Anywhoo, just had to do a little entry for general purposes. My life is probably about to get interesting though. I'm definitely excited to see ~~who's~~ what's in store!

Dear Sahel,

2009-07-12T16:17:00.002-05:00

I have no words....................

I hope you're happy now. Surely the afterlife is not nearly as bad as paying two car notes and being heartbroken. Hold up though, how the hell you let somebody co-sign for a vehicle you can't afford? And please tell me you weren't banging a millionaire for shits and giggles. For real? All you got were a few trips and a truck note?

You rock.

Dear Steve,

2009-07-12T15:50:00.004-05:00

I can't say that I have a whole lot for you right now. Although I know you aren't physically able to be of any comfort to your wife, your boys, your mom, or your brothers right now, I know you're sorry.

I realize that if you had known that the young lady you decided to acquaint yourself with had homicidal/suicidal tendencies, you probably would have gone for one of her coworkers. I won't chastise you about any of the events that took place b/c if you've heard it once, you've heard it a million times.

If we could turn back the hands of time huh? I'm sure you were a good guy Steve. Seriously. I just hate that you never grew out of some of your other ways. Although I don't know the circumstances of your relationship with Mechelle, I do know that it couldn't have been that bad. Not "death" bad. I also don't believe that your "friend" was worth your life.

I remember watching you play at Alcorn back in maybe '93. I remember singing that song "Hand Him the Heisman" and really wanting them to "hand it to you". That last game I saw you play in was good. I can't remember if y'all were playing JSU or not, but you did your thing. I remember seeing Mechelle that day, all dressed up in her Golden Girl attire. She was even more beautiful back then. If she could have forseen the future, I wonder if she would have taken the same road with a different approach.

I have no idea where your head was when you passed over, but I sure hope that you woke up at the pearly gates. Actually, I hope they let you in. None of us are perfect, I know that. Sometimes other people get to work on their flaws, or maybe some of us grow out of our immature ways, you just didn't have that chance.

If I could have chosen a way for you to go, you would have died alone. If you just had to die. I mean, we all know about your drinking problem. Being in an accident because you were driving drunk would have been a much better look. But none of us really get to choose the way we go. Well, your little friend did, but sane people don't take that route so she doesn't count.

We'll miss you man. I hope wherever you are, you are at peace.

Yours truly,

~me

Dear Mechelle,

2009-07-12T15:29:00.005-05:00

The last time I saw you was several years ago...you, your mom, and the baby were out eating. I spoke briefly and walked away thinking y'all "had it made". Boy, that had to be at least 5 or 6 years ago......

I'm writing you this letter because although I haven't seen you in that long, I've thought of you every single day since the 4th. My heart hurts for you and those babies. Although I haven't physically shed a "wet" tear, my heart has indeed been crying.

I can't imagine what emotions you must be feeling, and honestly I can't say that I'd want to. I am so sorry that things have ended this way. In normal situations, we (women) at least have the opportunity to confront our spouses about their indiscretions. We can at least beat their asses until they wished they were gone....we can choose to say "enough is enough" and divorce them, then watch them suffer as we "clean them out". You don't have that chance. You weren't given the satisfaction of kicking Steve's ass one more time, or even that broad's ass for that matter. And don't get me wrong, I know that's not your thing, but still. They say that the ones who hurt you are (sometimes) the ones that make you feel better......well? I'm not sure how this goes.....

Everyone from the "hometown" knows what kinda man Steve was. We all know all the good he did for the community, but we also know somebody, who knows somebody that Steve "tried to talk to" or that Steve "was fuckin". Still, that wasn't the first thing that came to mind when someone said his name. But now, now it's a different story.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you all had, but I just imagine you were too preoccupied doing other things rather than exert energy trying to keep up with the women that Steve entertained when he wasn't home. I don't know how that works. I, myself am a big time snooper, but hey, whatever works for you.

I don't see you publicly speaking about this ever, seeing as though you were never the kind of NFL wife that liked the spotlight. Surely you don't want it now. How ironic, huh? People were googling you like crazy last week. Hopefully this will all die down soon and you'll be able to have your life back to yourself. Take care. Kiss your mama for me, she was always one of my favs....

Sincerest regards,

~me

USHER!!!!!!

2009-06-20T23:45:00.003-05:00

Wait for me dog! Yea, that's right. I'm right behind you!! LOL!!!

I finally got my "dee" paperwork done. Signatures and everything, and it's going down. Now all I do is wait. I'm not sure how long the process is going to take, but I do know that it has been much better on me now that the ball is rolling.

Mentally I've been going through it the past month or so. I have finally decided to look at things for what they are. That helped me make the final decision. I tried to cry a few nights ago. Unsuccessful. Maybe later. Or maybe not. No biggie. I just feel like I'm supposed to be sad. And truthfully, there is something very sad about this situation, but for the sake of my sanity, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not really sure now what I have in store, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure I make my mom really proud. After all, if it were up to her, I'd stay married forever, in spite of the bull I have to deal with. No, and thank you! It will be fine. At least if I ever get back into the dating scene I'll be able to share fun stories with you all. I'm pretty sure it won't be any time soon. Maybe like 16 years from now, when my child is out of the house. Until then, it shall be me and mini-me!

Staying Power Revisited

2009-05-18T00:37:00.007-05:00

"A lot of marriages with that 'staying power' can boast 30+ years of marriage, etc....but at what cost." - Saved Girl

OMG!!!! That is sooooooooooooo true. Like, really. My grandparents were married well over 5o years. 12 kids, 11 together, 1 outside kid (per grandmother), atleast 2 outside kids (per granddad), many nights of my grandfather being "out in the street" doing his thing, grandma trying to prove that she's still "got it" with the other man.....the list goes on. Staying power. Remember?

I love my mother....to bits and pieces.....but I'm not kidding, she sure knows how to not make sense sometimes. And you wouldn't believe that my mom is a smart woman. Three degrees and all, she says some dumb ish sometimes.

I remember when me and the hub first separated. My mom gave me this long spill about how she stayed with my dad and gave it her all until she couldn't do it anymore. WTH!? I'm sure she couldn't do it. Hell, he had permanently jacked up her finger, blacked her eyes, and there was the mistress my mom almost ended up boxing in the store.

Why on earth would anyone encourage someone to be disrepected until they just can't handle it anymore? Why? I'm so sorry. I'm over it. Yea, I'm not really in the mood for being without "me" after a decade of being dogged out. And I refuse to believe that all those ppl stayed in those marriages strictly b/c of the bible. Yes, I know what the bible says. I know. I get it. However, do I believe that my grandmother would have stayed with my granddad if she were able to support 12 children on her own? If she didn't need him to drive her around? I doubt it. Folks are always quick to talk about the bible being the reason to stay married, but I still feel like people have their own agenda. Maybe not ALL of the people, but I do feel like majority do.

And I'm talking about when it's bad, not when there is a healthy relationship. Whether it's financial reasons, stability reasons, status reasons, the need for a "family" reasons, deep down I don't think the promise to God tops the list of "why they stay".

I know I'm rambling again. And it's clearly my bedtime so I'll just say this. I'd rather be married for 4 good years and divorced, than be married for 40 + years of some good, mostly bad. I just can't.

Going to bed now........

Sleepy Thoughts

2009-05-18T00:20:00.003-05:00

I should be in bed right now, but I'm obviously not...for whatever reason. Probably because I'm determined to "workout" a little everyday and it just so happens the munchkin didn't fall asleep as early as she could have.

Anywhoo, I was speaking with a coworker this morning about men. In general. Actually, she told me about the hell her ex-husband had put her through prior to their divorce. I told her NOTHING about the semi-hell my soon to be ex has put me through. I didn't see it necessary.

I'm having a hard time understanding this whole "man" thing. And honestly, I can't say that it is my lifelong goal to figure it out. I'm sure I'd die trying. I'm not one to jump on the "all men are dogs" bandwagon, but many of the ones I know are. Doesn't mean anything though. Right? I don't know ALL men. I do know a good number though....

Although I can hesitantly admit that I do still have scar tissue from my previous long term relationship (before the marriage), I can also admit that I didn't enter any new relationship expecting the worse. Everyone gets a fair shot. Kinda like this class I took in college. "Everyone will start out with a 100% grade avg. in this class." That's what the professor said on day 1. I remember getting so excited when he said that. I don't know why, but it just sounded good. Then the professor went on to say that it was up to us to maintain our 100%. Made perfect sense to me....

Well, I always give anyone I'm dealing with 100% from the beginning. Regardless of what the odds are, I'm always hopeful. Well, so far, no good. No one has been able to maintain that "passing grade". Did I say I remained at 100%? Nah. Surely not. But you know how teachers always give you break downs of which tests weigh the most. I'm pretty sure I did good where it counted. Oh well.......maybe the next guy will prove my "not all guys are dogs" theory right. I'm still hopeful.......

Staying Power

2009-05-10T23:40:00.003-05:00

Well....

I was talking to my aunt today. I guess somewhere along the way, either she heard through the grapevine, or she noticed my empty ring finger. However it went, she's figured out my marriage is on the edge....of like the nastiest cliff ever. Anyway, she made the statement to me "Y'all young girls don't put up with bullshit. See, women like me and your momma, we inherited staying power."

Well damn. Staying power, huh? Nope. Don't got it. Don't want it. My mother was married to my father for maybe 12 or 13 years. I can't remember exactly how long. What I do remember though, are the black eyes, the arguing, oh, and that child my dad made with his mistress during those years. And trust me when I say none of those things mentioned happened during the last year of their marriage.

Is that what staying power is? The power to stay with a man who makes it a habit to be disrespectful to you and your relationship with him? The ability to put up with bullshit? I don't want it. Seriously. There are soooooo many things I learned from my mom. Things which I am grateful for. However, there are some things that I wouldn't dare wish I'd inherited. That thing called "staying power" is one of them. Screw that!

Decisions, decisions.

2009-05-07T19:57:00.004-05:00

Just for the sake of keeping you guys updated with me and all my drama.....

Okay, the hub and I are still pretty much in limbo. It's funny to me how getting "caught up" makes someone want to "do right". Why is that? I don't get it. I was trying to do the right thing and make an attempt to save this thing called marriage. Well, today I'm not so sure about it. I say this because I remember the time leading up to our "supposed" separation. I had been fasting and praying, and fasting and praying. I remember the night before, I asked God what in the world was I supposed to do? I asked, "What's the problem here?". Well, that very next morning, I feel like I got my answer. I feel like I was shown clearly, the kind of person I married and the things he's capable of doing. So it's like I've been given the information, and what I decide to do with it is on me.

I was driving home today thinking, I should let it go. After all, I got my answer. I don't know if this is one of those "neither one of us wants to say goodbye" type deals or not, but either way, it's getting old.....

Decisions, decisions. Ugh.

Piss

2009-04-29T17:38:00.003-05:00

or get off the pot. That's what I need to do. That's what "we" need to do. Of course me and the hub have been going through for months now. As sure as I was about everything, just months ago, there's obviously something in me that's not. Not yet. I was told by one of my friends that once I "get the ball rollin" it would be okay. Well, just as soon as I can put the ball on the ground, I guess all will be well.

In an attempt to not throw in the towel without at least "trying", I told the hub about the issues I had with everything. Hell, I even told him to tell me what he wasn't pleased with in my department. Well, some things can be "worked" on. Some things, I guess not. So with all that, I get to make a decision huh? I thought so. Still not as easy as I had hoped. And it pretty much sucks to be honest.

2009-04-15T23:36:00.002-05:00

Saved Girl tagged me. Hey girl!!!!

The rules are: (1)use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.(2)they have to be real....nothing made up! if the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers.(3)you cannot use any word twice and you cant use your name for the boy/girl question.(4)dont google youranswers.(5)make it as interesting and fun as you can.

1. What is your name: Missy? (for blog purposes I'll go with that)
2. A four letter word: make
3. A boy's name: Mike
4. A girl's name: Mary
5. An occupation: maid
6. A color: magenta
7. Something you'll wear: moo moo?
8. A food: mashed potatoes
9. Something found in the bathroom: musk? (not really.Lol)
10. A place: Maryland
11. A reason for being late: mess
12. Something you'd shout: "MAMAAAA"
13. A movie title: Mac and Me
14. Something you'd drink: Minute Maid Orange
15. A musical group: Men at Large
16. An animal: monkey
17. A street name: Manhattan Blvd
18. A type of car: Mercedes Benz SL 500 (one of my favs)
19. The title of a song: Me and My Girlfriend (the one Pac did)

I have no one to tag. I've been out of blogworld too long to come back tagging ppl!!

Life....

2009-04-15T23:33:00.002-05:00

is just that. Life. Lately I've been busy. Thinking and such. I should really be back to blogging soon.....with updates. Lots of updates. Maybe not "lots", but a few.

Perjury

2009-03-15T12:17:00.002-05:00

Yep, it was kind of like perjury. Or at least that's what it feels like. I'm talking about the lies my husband told me over a month ago. I've been sitting here thinking, trying to reason with myself. Trying to figure out if I expect too much from someone.....I've come to the conclusion that I don't.

Thinking back to that Saturday...I asked my husband all the questions that popped into my mind. I left no room for him to "lie by omission". I made sure I was very specific in my words so there would no stone left unturned. And he lied.
Now I'm not a perfect human being. I realize no one is. I have never expected him to be perfect. I wouldn't expect anyone to be perfect. However, I do expect honesty. Surely that's not asking too much. And this wasn't even a situation where I would expect him to just confess something to me out of the blue. This is me, asking very specific questions, about very specific things and expecting a truthful answer. Didn't happen.

I don't care much for liars. And I won't say that I'm not guilty of lying. I have lied. And I'm sure I will lie again. But not when it counts. I know I may sound crazy, but my husband messed up with me because he lied when it mattered. It wouldn't have been so bad if he lied about the cost of a shirt....or lied about taking out all the trash. But lying about outside relationships? That pretty much is a big deal.

I thought about Lil Kim. She lied....and it cost her a prison sentence. I know she had some kind of "hood code" and whatnot that she goes by. But I wonder if she would tell the same lie, and serve time to honor the code. I don't know about her, but I bet if my husband had to do it over, he would have been a little more honest. And maybe not even completely (whatever that is), but I believe the conversation would have gone a little differently.

It would have been my wish for him to be honest about the way he was feeling, outside people and all, so that we could handle the situation like married adults. I would have listened. I would not have yelled, cussed, or put him out. I would have wanted us to decide right then and there what we thought was best.....but, he decided to lie....at the wrong time.....

He claims he has regrets. Well, so do I. However, I can't undo what he has done. No, the fact that he and I were already having problems is not his fault. But the fact that he chose to top it off the way he did....well, yea, that's his fault. The fact that I don't believe much that comes out of his mouth...his fault. The fact that if there was an ounce of anything left in our marriage, it's gone, yea, his fault.

I think it's so funny how people do things in the moment, then want everything to magically be better. I wish it worked that way, but clearly it does not. You don't get to hurt people, play with them when you get ready, and then think that a tear, a pout, or an "I'm sorry" is going to fix it. Not here anyway. I'm over it.

I wouldn't dare try and speak on the character of every single man in the world, but I can say this, if I have to be with a liar or cheater in order to be with someone, I'll pass. If I've never known my worth before, I sure know it now.

Men and Earrings

2009-03-10T00:12:00.002-05:00

Anybody have an age limit for men and earrings? Is it just me or should they let them go at some point? I saw a very attractive guy last week. Well, he was attractive until I saw that earring sitting in his ear looking like the early 90s.....

1st of the Month

2009-02-26T13:56:00.003-06:00

Well, I know I've been MIA. Not because I want to be, but because I've been sleeping. No, not the depressed sleep, the "working too much" sleep.

Just wanted to give a little "life" update. My husband and I have been having a blast. We're not really talking about reconciliation. Speaking for myself only, my goal was to get to a point of being cordial to him. I've never wanted to be the "crazy baby mama", so I figured we may as well still be able to be civil, or even nice to each other. The bad part about this is being nice can be confused with "I want to be with you". Depending on who's involved.

Fortunately, I'm the one that can separate reality from the false hope. Him, not so much. I've been much better. I'm not really harboring hateful feelings. Even though, yes, I admit that if I think about things for too long, I get angry for like 7 seconds.

I still haven't made any kind of announcement to the family yet. I would prefer to announce this like I announced my pregnancy. Kind of out of the blue and not very believable. We'll see. I'm trying to get my little cousin to help me come up with the speech. And good Lord, I don't want to hear what my grandma is going to have to say about this. I just have to make sure I don't paint him out to be some monster. I don't want my relatives giving him the "stink" face when he comes around.

He says he's going to move out on the 1st. Don't ask me why. I have NO clue. And actually, I did let him come back. Because I felt sorry for him, you know, putting him out abruptly with nowhere to go. He hasn't moved his clothes back in, which is okay. Him staying is only supposed to be temporary anyway. And I haven't been pressuring him to leave. It's his choice to leave on the first. So his mind isn't clouded with thoughts of whether we'll get back together or not. *you would think I've been speaking Japanese or something* Now whether he's going to be out in a couple of days or not is the BIG question. We'll see.....

I'm Not In Jail

2009-02-13T21:15:00.002-06:00

although I could have very well been there a few days ago. The past couple of days have been okay. I'm calm now. I'm not picking up furniture and threatening to haul it across the room at the hubby's head. The only thing I'm battling at the moment is keeping this cold at bay.

I'm almost over this now....not in a "I forgive him, let's move on with life" kinda way, just a "I'm too blessed to be stressed" type of way. Lol. Let's go back a few days or so...

So, Monday, when I got home, all of his stuff was out like I demanded. All he really had to get were clothes. I would have double dog dared him to remove any type of furniture out of this place. It was rough though. I can't lie. It was mad akward Tuesday morning when he showed up to take the angel to her MiMi's....

Since then, we have been talking about where this thing is headed. As if it's not a given. Why does it take someone getting caught up for them to put on their "happy" face. Don't put your best foot forward now. You should have been doing that a little while ago. Yep, now I see that look of genuine love in his eyes when he looks at me. I'm sure. It didn't feel so hot sleeping on a random piece of furniture Monday night, huh? Yea, I have let him crash at the house since then because I felt sorry for him. And yea, I know, he didn't feel sorry for me when he was being untrustworthy......so these sleeping arrangements don't change anything.

It's my goal that he and I can come to a really great understanding, then we can let it go. If we can get over this hump, I think it will be better for us as parents for little mama. I don't wish to hate my child's father. As a matter of fact, I would love to have a great deal of love and respect for him. Obviously that won't happen with Monday's turn of events playing in my head. So yea, we have to get over that.

It's funny because I'm really not mad anymore. Yea, it happened AND it sucks! But, just like a week or two ago, I was begging for something to happen so I would know what it is I should be doing. I wanted the crap to "hit the fan". It did. Can we move on to the next chapter now please?

If You Go Looking.....

2009-02-09T12:37:00.006-06:00

If you look for something, you're going to find it. Really? I'm going to find something that I shouldn't find just because I looked for it? I doubt it. I've never really agreed with that saying. Mainly because I've been known to snoop a time or two. I don't make it a practice now, but back in the day? Baaaabaaay....I was the private eye of the South.

I honestly feel like if there's nothing to be found, then that's that. You find nothing.........

The above text was written Saturday when I felt like blogging, but I never got a chance to finish the entry....well, the irony of this post's continuation is crazy. And to finish what I was saying above, I feel like if I look in your closet and find no skeletons, its because you have none. If someone decides to dig up dirt on me, if they find dirt, it's because I have it. Not just because they looked.....

Fast forward to this morning...
On a normal weekday morning, the hub gets up before me and the baby. After his shower, she's normally awake, and he feeds her breakfast. Well, this morning while they were downstairs, I noticed his cellular sitting on the bedside table, basically begging me to take a peek. Seriously, like Blue's Clues, glowing and all, begging to be looked at.....

I couldn't deny that little cheap phone. I just couldn't. I looked through the call history and saw nothing that meant anything to me. Just normal phone calls. Next stop, text messages. Inbox first. I came across this red flag of a message first: Well go fuck then. That message was from his homeboy. Immediately, my heart started racing and I could feel the rage waking up just in case I needed it. Then I saw a message that said something about washing his ass. Both of these messages from his homeboy. I had to go to the sent messages to get both sides of the conversation.....Sent messages. RED DAMN FLAG MESSAGE: I'm trying to get some ass. Next message reads: I might smell like badussy when I get there.

Baaaabaaaaay....rage woke up. I thought I was going to break my neck getting down those stairs. Long story short, he should be gone by the time I get home......
Things are somewhat of a blur to me right now. I remember me doing a lot of yelling and cussing like I was in the street. I remember not going upside his head because my child was standing there....all she wanted was her oatmeal and apples.....she saved her dad's ass this morning. Really. She did. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my temper is bad at times. When angry enough, I don't remember that I'm not as strong as a man. And I don't care.

There was a lot of pacing back and forth. My fists have been balled up almost all morning. I really wanted to physically hurt him this morning...but I didn't. I told him to go. Right then. Then I remembered that I hadn't gotten up early enough to get my baby to her MiMi's house and still be on time for work....so I told him to feed her, take her to the sitter, then come back and pack up.....

Yea, I got an explanation about the girl he was going to go screw. Not that it matters....not that I believe anything he tells me about the situation. Of course he claims it didn't happen. Well, it should have. Remember I worked that night. All night. I don't know what happened. I don't care. I don't have time......so yea, this was my confirmation.

I rattled my brain all yesterday and last night trying to figure it out.....
I'm not blaming his alleged "2 month, never been physical, but definitely flirtacious and in my opinion obviously emotional" relationship on the demise of ours. No, I'm not doing that. He and I were wrong from the start. I realize that. What pisses me off more than anything is the fact that I have given him opportunity after opportunity to be for real. I asked him, specifically, if he was attracted to anyone else. Saturday, it was "no". Monday morning, it's "I told you I had an attraction to someone else".

Nigga please. My memory isn't as good as it used to be, but I wouldn't forget that. I really hate the fact that my last impression of him is him "trying to get some ass" from some girl he met at the club. Seriously.....like, in the middle of my rage, I asked him if she lived alone. He said no....
I'm like, you dumb ass nigga, so you can't even go stay with her.......

She doesn't do anything. I'm not surprised. That's why he and I can't, and wouldn't work. I'm a different breed from what he likes.....

So yea, whether he got ass Saturday or not...who cares at this point? I know what I was doing Saturday night....working the last 12 hours of 115. I don't have time. So basically, our relationship went from "possibly able to be worked on" to "not a chance" with the touch of a button....

And after him crying and apologizing and probaly feeling like an idiot, I still don't care. You see, when you lack as many things as he lacks, there is no room for that kind of bull. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do before this morning. And he's probably still not sure. That's what I'm here for....the spouse is supposed to be a helpmate, right? Well, I helped him make his decision. No need to hold on to something that isn't there.

And as for that bull about if you look for it, you'll find it? Damn right. I looked, I found, and now I can move on....

Saturdays

2009-02-07T12:19:00.002-06:00

must be the worst now. I don't know. It just seems that way. Something about the weekend brings about too much free time. Although I just worked a few hours and I'm going back later tonight, there's still too much time.

Now I'm sitting here, typing through tears, trying to figure out what to do.

Earlier this morning, my hubby and I had another conversation about "us". After he basically forced his mind to want to do me, we had to talk. It was too obvious, as it has been lately. So in this conversation, we're basically examining issues AGAIN and it's the same thing.

Finally, after asking him very specific questions, he tells me his "heart isn't in it". Well, duh. I knew that. I've been knowing that for awhile now. And actually, I could say that I somewhat feel the same way. For some reason, actually hearing those words is a little different from me just thinking them. Nonetheless, it's the way he feels. Pretty much the way I feel. He said "You know how it is when you can't picture yourself without somebody? Well, that's not how it is for me". I could have bet my savings on that too. And again, that's pretty much the way I feel. I don't understand why it's so different coming out. But it is.

Now my eyes burn, my nose is running even more, and I don't know how I'm going to keep my eyes from swelling shut while I sleep...you know, so when I go back to work, I won't have to answer any "what's wrong?" questions. I hate it when ppl ask me that. I digress.

Oh, and did I mention the fact that my head is pounding? Well, my head is pounding. Oh, and my heart hurts. And it's strange. It's not really a "broken heart" hurt, it's just a "big girl making decisions" kind of hurt. Well, wait, maybe my heart is broken. But he didn't break it. Circumstances have broken it. The fact that my little angel is affected by my "big girl decisions" is what really breaks it. The fact that her mommy has made (what looks like) a bad decision or two is what breaks it. Although I still don't know what's going to happen, the thought of what could happen is enough.

Back to this morning. Before today, I told my hub that I really didn't want to do the whole separation thing. I always thought that if we were going to work it out, then we work it out. What's the need for separation? However, after hearing the things he had to say this morn....
What he said, or what I understood him to say, was that his mind tells him that we need to work this out. His heart, however, tells him there's nothing. He doesn't want to follow his heart, divorce, and then wake up and realize he made the biggest mistake of his life. Yea, that would suck for him because I'm not really a fan of "wishy washy" husbands. When it's done, it's done. So yea, I would say that this is a decision that needs to be made carefully.

Anywhoo....that's been the first 5 hours of my day. It has to get better, right? Hope so.
I had to go back to the 80s today!

Why

2009-02-05T23:52:00.002-06:00

did I decide to work 2 shifts today? I'll regret this in the morning. I'm pretty sure of it.

Dead Computer

2009-02-04T17:02:00.004-06:00

My computer is dead...so that's why I can't post like I want to. Besides the fact that there is absolutely NOThING exciting going on right now.....

The part I need for my computer is out of stock. How convenient. It's hard blogging at work with phones ringing and people talking. Ugh!

For The Record

2009-02-02T17:12:00.002-06:00

I know that from my last few posts, I'm probaly painting the picture of some pathetic and miserable wife. I just want you guys to know that I'm okay. =)

Aside from not knowing which direction I'm headed in, I'm fine. I still laugh all day and all that stuff. I'm not in that dark place...just for the record. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like drama, or being in limbo, but it doesn't consume my every thought!!

I still got my mind on my money and my money on my mind!! On another note, anybody watch The Office? That is some funny ish! And Sunday's episode had me crying! Like even the first 3 minutes (or longer) were hilarious!

I hope to have positive updates soon (as far as the married life goes). We'll see.

My Negativity

2009-01-31T12:20:00.003-06:00

What a negative Saturday it's become....not for much longer though.....

If it appears that I'm not sounding so optimistic about my relationship, let me tell you why. Months ago, when I could tell we were headed downward, I suggested we get some good Christian counseling. We went to our pastor. Nothing successful happened. Nothing came out during that session that we didn't already know.

I was so gung ho on working on this marriage. All about the vows....well, my husband had more of a "this ain't goin to work" attitude. Eventually I stopped being so optimistic about us. You know how you have hope for something for so long, only for it to be shot down, eventually it doesn't matter. That's how it's been for me anyway. I guess there's been a bit of a role reversal. First I was pushing for it, he wasn't. I stopped pushing, he started. I haven't been able to make myself hop back on the positive bandwagon just yet.

No sex for me. Did I mention this? We have sex about as much as an old married couple, maybe even less. My husband is an emotional creature. It's been obvious that he's not attracted to me like he used to be. And I'm sure it's because of our distance. I've never been with a guy that didn't want to screw...mad or not, they'll take a piece. Well, apparently not all men.

Imagine being rejected by your spouse time and time again. This is probably a separate entry as well. But with all the stressors of our marriage, he hasn't really wanted to have sex. We have done it, but it's definitely not regular. I feel like my mom is having more sex than I am. So of course, I'm going through all these thoughts in my head. I'm like, okay, if you're not screwing me, who are you screwing? Whether he has or not, I'm sure I'll never know. But I do know that I'm not used to be rejected. Not a great feeling, let me tell you. I thought all I had to do was tell him I wanted more, and he would give it to me....well, not really. We do it when he feels like it. I don't plan on having the conversation with him anymore.

Picture the toy you wanted the most growing up. You wanted it for your birthday, didn't get it. You wanted it for Christmas, didn't get it......well, when you finally get the gift, your enthusiasm is zero. Well, that's how sex is with me now. I tried, time after time again, only to be turned down, so now when we do it, I enjoy the moment, but afterwards....its whatever. I don't initiate it anymore, and I could care less if we do it.............on a positive side, he did tell me he's been wanting to do it, but since my period was on we haven't done it. We've had sex once since then, I think it was Wednesay morning. We'll see how that aspect of the relationship changes....

I don't know how to go back to the positive me. I don't know how to get over all the times he told me it wasn't going to work. Or all the times he moved my hand away from him, showing his lack of interest.

I've been in other relationships, none of which were perfect, but we still enjoyed ourselves when things were good. I just found out yesterday, my husband thought we were good b/c we haven't been arguing. I disagreed. Being quiet doesn't mean it's all good. It simply means that one person, or the other is bottling up true feelings. If us making it means someone will be miserable, at the expense of someone else's happiness, I'll pass.

As of right now, we don't have a common place to enjoy each other when we aren't disagreeing. As you can see, not even in the bedroom. Our only joy is our little one. If we can find a common interest, then maybe we'll be okay....

Dear God,
I've been waiting to hear from you. I don't know if you know it or not, but I have a new email address. It's completelymissunderstood@gmail.com. I only want to do the right thing. I know I'm supposed to be patient, but Lord.............this is hard. You gave me common sense, but right now, I'm not trusting my own judgement. Trusting my judgement is what got me into this situation in the first place. Can you please holla at your girl when you get a minute. I'll be checking that email every 5 minutes until I hear from you. Oh, and God, I do want you to know that I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for everything that my husband is, and I want to better understand the things he is not. I want to be the wife I'm supposed to be, but if that means standing outside on the corner, passing out beat cds, I don't really see how that's going to happen. I know that only you know. If he needs me to be that ride or die chick, that's going to hang out with 2 Crucial and nem at the show, Lord, that's not the person I am. I'm not the mother who's going to encourage my little girl to spend excessive amounts of time with her thuglife uncle, or her grandmom and great aunts that don't mind fighting each other. I can't do that Lord. I don't imagine you would want me to. Anywhoo,I'm trusting you to guide me in the right direction.

Love you,
Your baffled child

Greener Grass

2009-01-31T09:06:00.003-06:00

Smokie, let me see if I can somewhat answer your question.

A few times during me and the hub's "dating" stage, I left him alone because I thought the grass was greener on the other side....well, not so much. I always kept my options open because I wasn't ready to settle down. I was still in school and had not too long before gotten out of serious relationship.

When I say we were on and off, we really were on and off. When something appeared "greener", I checked on it. I can recall atleast 3 times that I did this to him....I know it wasn't nice, but I was as honest as I could be with him about the way I felt.

I know the grass is not greener on the other side, per se. I realized this with "Casper" and also with the Grampa. There were things that my husband did that no one had ever done for me. Mainly putting me first. I thought that was kinda cool. There was never a night that passed that he didn't make sure I was okay before stopping by. Full of affection...I could look in his eyes and see his genuine love for me.....that was pretty awesome.....

Those were the kinds of things that made me never want to let him go......well, somehow things have changed. Now let me say this....he hasn't really just flipped the script on me, it's just obvious that his feelings have changed. The look in his eyes that I've been seeing remind me more of dislike and less love. Maybe the past few days, he's been trying to get it back, but it's definitely not the same......

I'm A Dime

2009-01-30T23:04:00.002-06:00

Or better. This is my opinion. I feel like I'm entitled to it.

In having a conversation with my husband the other day, I told him that I'm a "catch", in my opinion. I told him the things I felt I deserved. He chuckled a little and then told me he felt like he's a "catch" as well. Although I saw nothing humorous in what I said, I stood firm with my statement and left well enough alone.

Well, this morning (like 5 days later), he said to me, "You are a catch.", referring back to the statement I had made days ago. He listed the things that he thought were my attributes, then said he would be a "fool to let me go." Really? So it's that easy. You just get to let me go if you feel like it? Wow. I didn't know that's the way it works.

He's been reminiscing lately, talking about how we "used to be". Trying to figure out how to get that ol' thing back. I wish I had the answer. One thing I know for sure that's happened is the fact that I've grown up over the years. I don't know that he has. The "old" us was me being myself, and him being the person he thought I wanted him to be.

And maybe I did want to mold him into my perfect guy....didn't take much. The "real him" is standing up now though. Tall and proud. If we can't work it together, as individuals, what's the use? Yea, I don't see one either.

And I'm not trying to sound pessimistic....there just comes a time in every relationship where you have to be for real. Lying is not really my thing...especially when it comes to me.

Why Did I Get Married?

2009-01-30T22:02:00.002-06:00

In a previous post, I went over the reasons in my head as to why I got married. The most important reason I chose to marry that man is because he was irreplaceable....my, oh my how things change.

After a long game of cat and mouse, he won. I was with him for a little while, decided he wasn't "it', got with another guy who seemed to "fit the bill", only for him to lack the very things my hubby possessed that seemed so important to me at the time. This, in turn, always led me back to the hub. All of the guys I met during our "off" moments instantly got compared to my hub. Each time my door wasn't opened, each time I saw no "out of their way" attempt to make sure I was okay, they were compared to him.

When it came to other things, my husband didn't quite fit the bill, but some things I figured I could help him out with. He didn't have a college degree, but he had college experience. He was not wealthy like the other guys I dated, but he wasn't dead broke either. I never had to reach in my pocket for anything. For a while, I wanted him to have the money of the other guy. I made it a point to insinuate to him, the size of one of the other's houses, in order to let him know what his competition was. My husband's first home purchase was a huge deal for him. I made him feel less than because it wasn't as big as the guy I quit talking to him for. How rude of me right? I know.

He was doing the best he could. But sometimes your best just ain't good enough,right? I haven't figured that out yet. I recognized my husband's flaws, but understood that I have flaws of my own.....so why couldn't this thing work? I thought the good thing about us was the fact that there weren't any secrets. Nobody's flaws were a secret to other person. I thought that was a good thing. That way, there could be no surprises.....hmmmph....

I decided to be with him, and only him after I thought that I had thought it through. We began to talk about marriage and I picked out a few of my favorite rings. The wedding, although we weren't officially engaged, was not going to take place for atleast a year or two. Almost 5 months later, I got pregnant. I knew that laying up with him and my baby, playing "house", was not an option for me. We decided, well "we were going to get married anyway....why not?"...Bad idea.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I disagree. Hindsight has got to be something like 20/10. I see things so clear now it's crazy. I imagine that had I not become pregnant with our beautiful child, we would have had yet another issue to come up that would have showed me (again) that he and I weren't it. But that time never came. We didn't get to know each other well enough. Or maybe not that we didn't know each other, we didn't understand how critical our differences were to the other person.

So now the decision has to be made. Can we get to a point where we are on the same page, or is it a lost cause. Biblically speaking, divorce is wrong. Fine time to bring God into the equation huh?! Lol. If God were involved, we wouldn't have been doing anything to get pregnant in the first place. Such as life though, right.....

The seriously, scary thing is waking up in 10 years and realizing nothing has changed. Still waiting on God to email me and tell me exactly what to do. And I know that it's not going to happen, but it sure would be nice. Lol.

Honestly, I love my husband, and I only want the best for him, but right now it's not looking like I'm it. I know anything can happen, and I want it to, but in the meantime....

I freakin' hate not knowing what the future holds.....with a passion!!!

Crossroads

2009-01-30T16:01:00.002-06:00

I have been wanting to blog, and not wanting to blog, for about 4 or 5 days now. Writing really is therapeutic for me...whether its pure foolishness or something juicy. I just like to write. So since I'm in need of some serious therapy, I say it's about time for me to get busy...

I have had a semi-revelation. I've come to the realization that there is a good chance that I'll be living the single life w/child before the year is over. My husband and I have quite an interesting history, one which I'll probably be sharing over time. He really is a great guy, but....yes, there is a "but", not for me....

The problem in this situation does not stem from any particular event, such as infidelity, abuse, or disrespect. The problem here is strictly incompatibility....and yea, there were some things in the beginning, actually, many things in the beginning that should have told me that this was a mismatch. I didn't listen. I guess this is a story that's way too common for a lot of married couples that end up divorced, looks like it's mine too....such as life.

I recognized that my husband and I were different early on...to the point of breaking it off with him, only to get back with him, on more than one occasion. He's night, I'm day. They say opposites attract. I disagree. Not in this case. I never intentionally tried to change the person he was. I simply "did me". In his obviously successful attempt to win me over, he did a lot of things that I chose to do. I don't think he purposely tricked me into thinking he was someone else, I think he was simply whipped and did not think logically about pursuing me the way he did.

Right now, I wouldn't describe my life/marriage as miserable.....I'm just kind of there. I don't hate him. He doesn't hate me. We are just....there. As long as there isn't anything to argue about, we don't argue. I swear, he sees apples. I clearly see oranges. It's that different. I won't take anything from him. He's a great guy......but we just (according to him, and I agree) grew up on different sides of the track. For some, this partnership could work out perfectly. Their opposites may attract. But in this case, the opposites repel! I've always told myself over and over and over again, that I wouldn't fool myself in any relationship. I refuse to live my life miserably, or mediocre for that matter. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work.

I'm hesitant in making quick decisions because I have a little girl to look out for. I have to make sure that every decision I make will be beneficial to her. Never would I stay married to my husband because we have a child.

We've been having these "come to Jesus" conversations, and right now, it's looking like the end of the road. I never pictured myself having to work out weekend visitation or "seeing daddy during spring break" conversations. And I don't see it even going there because he loves our little girl to pieces. She's truly the apple of his eye....

I honestly hope that some miracle will fall from the sky and make it all better, but my right mind tells me it's not going to happen. And I don't plan on spending the next decade miserable and waiting on a miracle.....Ugh. We'll see. And as much therapy as I need, I'm sure I'll be blogging about it.

Bulemia...

2009-01-25T16:28:00.003-06:00

I had a bulemic thought a second ago.....

Immediately after scarfing down my footlong over roasted chicken sub, I wondered why I had eaten the entire thing...and I was thinking, if I could just undo what I've just done....but I didn't. I just won't eat anything else tonight, and I'll start fresh tomorrow with meats and veggies.....

Crap!

Facing The Truth pt 2

2009-01-25T15:50:00.003-06:00

Okay, so as I was saying.....

Once James and I started college, signs of him being DL didn't come about for awhile. Let me just see if I can list them so this story doesn't have to be a billion posts long....

He grabbed my finger. One time, while I was giving him head, he grabbed my finger and put it in his butt. Yes, in his anal canal. I was like *gasp*. WTH!?! And I mean in an "in and out" fashion. I was flabbergasted. As a matter of fact, that may not even be the word I should use right now....but after that first time, I guess since I didn't dump him once that "dirty" act was over, he figured it was okay. That's what he wanted.....

Chatting on collegeclub. I was really good at snooping through his things (cell phone, email, phone bills, bank accounts, and yes, his collegeclub account). I don't know if anyone remembers collegeclub or not, but it was super hot back in the day ('99-'00). I found my way through his collegeclub chat history and saw that he had chatted with a gay guy. The guy was clearly gay, and although I can't remember the convo verbatim, it was easy for me to read b/w the lines. James never got inappropriate with the guy, but I think the only reason he didn't was because he wasn't sure who it was in front of the other computer. Just entertaining the guy enough for a small conversation was enough for me though...and no, I didn't break up with him then either.

Too Defensive. My freshman year in college, my roommate and I found out that our suitemate's boyfriend had been letting the gay dude on campus give him head. When I told James about my friend's boyfriend, he almost yelled at me, telling me to "STAY OUT OF THEIR BUSINESS!". That wasn't quite the response I was looking for. I thought he'd atleast ask if my friend was handling the newfound news of her boyfriend's sexual preferences okay.

I saw him looking. One weekend, we took a trip out of town with another couple. The guy, who was also his best friend, has a big butt. Like womanly. Picture the guy you know who has a juicy butt and juicy hips like a woman. Okay, we were walking into the mall, and I saw him staring at his friend's butt. So I gave him the "stink" face and asked him what he was looking at. His reply was, "T getting fat". Oh really? You're looking at his butt and thinking he's getting fat? Why does it matter to you? And no, I didn't break up with him after that either. I had my third eye on him though.

No Sex. Yea, did I forget to mention that he could do without sex? From me anyway. He loved getting head. Loved it. Like, I can't tell you how many times my jaws actually got tired from my mouth being open. I thought that was strange.

This last thing that I'm going to mention is not it. These things aren't all that he did, there were several red flags that popped up during our relationship. I wasn't sure how to approach him with my suspicions, especially after he made a point to tell me that he just felt extra comfortable with me and wanted to really show me his "freaky" side....so I never confronted him....and thankfully we broke up before we ended up married and divorced because I caught him screwing his teammate.........

Okay, so here is the absolute GAYEST thing he did...Lol!

He tasted it... Yea, he tasted his own nut. Nut, as in semen, as in sperm. OMG *vomits a little in mouth* He must have been feeling extra freaky this day. Lol. He nutted on my stomach and took his nasty tongue and licked it off. Ugh.

Who does that? Why would somebody do that? I really didn't know what to do after that. I'm usually pretty good about talking to my mom when I have a problem, but I couldn't make myself tell her that. But yea, that pretty much confirmed my suspicions. And guess what, he's in the NFL now. And guess what else, if he ever makes a great impact in the league, to the point of ESPN popularity, I may just be the one to put him on "mediatakeout" blast!! Lol. I'm halfway serious. Married now with a baby...I really wonder if he has his wife wearing a strap on....

Facing The Truth

2009-01-24T14:27:00.004-06:00

Lucky for me, this is one truth that I don't have to face anymore...as a matter of fact, there was never a point where I really had to face it....

I have made reference to my ex a couple of times in this blog, and well, here I go again....this blog entry comes after an interesting "I'm pretty sure he's DL" conversation I had with a couple of friends/coworkers....

My ex boyfriend and I "talked" for almost a year before we made it official. It was back in ninety something ('97 I think). We were cool. Something like friends. I gotta give dude a nickname...James. Yea, James will do. Okay, so James played football. As a matter of fact, he was a star athlete (football and basketball). During our 11 month "friendship", I remember him telling me that there was a "gay dude" at school lying on all the football players, saying he'd given the popular ones head, James included. So he (pretended) to be livid about the rumor that was going around.....then some time later, I don't remember how much time had passed, but I remember he and I used to talk on the phone everyday after school. Anyway, I remember his doorbell ringing, and he said "Man, this gay dude at my door. Let me call you back." Now, let me say this, I didn't care much for James at the time. We were cool, but I didn't like him b/c he was way too arrogant. I remember telling my friend that I thought he was gay b/c of the incident with the gay dude at his door.......

Fast forward several months.......I don't know what made that whole gay scenario disappear from my right mind. I have no clue why the fall of the following year I decided to let James be my boyfriend.......

I know I'm not going to be able to post all of this story in one setting so I'll just have to break it up into parts.....

The first thing that made me give James the side eye after we were official was the fact that there was a strange guy that he hung out with sometimes. This guy, we'll call him Rob. Okay, Rob was a family friend. He was also their church member. Rob was the guy that was clearly gay (as far as I was concerned), but no one ever talked about it. It was really weird. Like no one said a thing. He was just Rob. Rob, James, and maybe 2 or 3 other strange guys would hang out, and they had these inside jokes that made me feel really uncomfortable. James even went through a "tennis playing" phase. He and Rob played tennis a few nights a week the summer before we went off to college. Now James was athletic, so I didn't really question why he just up and wanted to play tennis on a random day......

*Sidenote, I don't know what I was (not) thinking, in case you're wondering.....

Oh yea, there's something else. James told me that he and Rob were on their way back home and Rob told him that he'd had a dream he gave James head. Now what man tells another man that he had a dream of slobbing them down? None that I know either. Not a straight man anyway. As a matter of fact, I don't know any gay men that would tell a straight man that......

To be cont....

Mr. Perfect

2009-01-24T13:25:00.002-06:00

doesn't exist. That's what my mom says. She told me, "Well, leave that one alone and go to the next one who may be worse than the one before." As true as that may be, I have to wonder about that.....

I remember having a conversation with my friend not long ago. Jen. You remember Jen. Anyway, I remember telling her that no man is perfect, as none of us women are either. In telling her the truth about the perfect man that doesn't exist, I remember giving her some examples. Her boyfriend was being rude and abusive. Disrespectful and just plain mean. I told her that although we know there is no such thing as perfection, I'd rather deal with imperfections like occasional bad breath, a small limp, a guy with one testicle, snoring, forgetting to take out the garbage, A crooked tooth, stuttering when angry, or gray pubic hairs before I accept a guy being verbally, physically, or mentally abusive towards me. That's just that.....but again, I swear some of these dudes are just extreme.....there is no minor imperfection...It's always got to be some BIG stuff! Why? And just when you think that your guy is your real life perfection, you find him in bed with his homeboy! Lol.....for real though...I didn't even touch on that problem.....geez louise......

Settling For Less?

2009-01-24T13:04:00.002-06:00

I was thinking not too long ago....

If you were to write down the characteristics you desired in your man, and on your list you had the following things:

1. Decent looking/not obese- Notice I didn't say "fine". I didn't give specific measurements like height or weight. I didn't give a specific skin color/complexion. I didn't say nappy or wavy hair. Just decent...not fat. Okay. Next.

2. Good credit- I didn't say perfect credit. I didn't even give a specific number. I'm just saying, "good credit" meaning if we were to try and get something, both our names could go on the credit application. You know, you don't have a plethora of delinquent accounts.....

3. Educated- I didn't say Ivy League education. I just said educated. I didn't say a master's degree, or a Ph.D..... Educated. College education....

4. Decent Job- Notice I didn't say "six figga nigga". I'm saying "decent" job as in benefits. Teachers don't make a killing, but it's a career. I didn't say CEO. A job. One with insurance and retirement plans.

5. No kids?- Okay, I'll even say 1 child....that's being taken care of. Depending on the situation, we'll say 2 at the most.

6. Respectful- I'm saying....someone that doesn't disrepect you or your family/friends....I didn't say "perfect gentleman". I'm just saying respectful. I didn't even say he had to open doors all the time, although one that knows how to do so is great.

7. Faithful- OMG! Here's the tricky part huh? No. Not really. Faithful! That is simple enough. I think. Faithful, as in doesn't cheat. How hard is that?

Well, after compiling this list, which doesn't include all the other things like: funny, no pedophilic tendencies, sane, has a car....... I wonder if these 7 things are asking too much. I have considered myself 7 of the 7 things, so why is it if I'm those things, and I know many single ladies that are "those things", why is it difficult to meet the guy that matches the girl? I don't see how that's too much to ask. Like, you may win 6 of the things then BAM! He's missing something else....what's up with that? Why is it if you run into "that guy", you automatically start trying to figure out what's wrong with him? It's not that you're looking for somebody that's perfect, but just meeting somebody that's compatible on more than one level seems to be something unachievable for way too many (in my opinion).

I keep looking at that small list, and I'm tripping because things like religion and honesty weren't even factored in....seriously...would it be asking too much to want those things plus a few more? Ugh!

You Think You Know

2009-01-24T07:23:00.010-06:00

but you have no idea.....

I've been tagged!!! Jia tagged me for 6 unknown facts about me.....ready? Go!

1. When I was about 5th grade, possibly a little younger, I had my first orgasmic experience with a vibrator. Not just any vibrator though. It was a squiggle wiggle writer. They were selling this pen at the mall in one of those "Hello Kitty" type stores and anybody who was somebody in my 4th/5th grade class had one....which meant what? I had to have one too. I begged my mom to spend $10 on that pen, which you would have thought almost sent her to bankruptcy court or something with the short lecture that came along with the purchase. Anywhoo, my pen was yellow with my name dolled up in pink on the side. I don't remember when or how I figured out that my squiggle wiggle writer would feel good ON (not in) my girlie parts, but when I did.....let's just say that the sole purpose of that pen was NOT writing. I think the last "squiggle" and "wiggle" that pen took was between my legs.....so yea, betcha didn't know that did you?! And since I see they still make them, I may just have to order another one for old times sake.

2. I was involved in a hit and run once when I was 15. I had recently been given my driver's permit and my sister let me drive her little ford escort to work......long story short, I dropped a couple of people off at home (which I didn't have permission to do) and upon backing out of the driveway, I lightly bumped a car that was parked across the street.....I sped off, never to back up without looking in all my mirrors again.

3. I have recently, almost permanently, removed foul language from my vocabulary.

4. I created this blog so that I could speak exactly what's on my mind (right or wrong) in an anonymous fashion. And only one of my friends knows that it's me. No one else I know for real even know that it exists.

5. I almost hated my mother back in the day for choosing her spouse over me and my sister. That's how I viewed it so that's how it was. I'm glad that I got over that hump because I love my mother to bits....and although I don't share those same sentiments for her husband, I tolerate him now.

6. Many days I struggle with the "good" me vs. the "bad" me.....so far, the good is winning....

Now, here are the rules:

1. LINK TO THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU
2. POST THE RULES ON YOUR BLOG
3. WRITE SIX RANDOM THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
4. TAG SIX PEOPLE AT THE END OF YOUR POST AND LINK TO THEM
5. LET EACH PERSON KNOW THEY ARE TAGGED AND LEAVE A COMMENT ON THEIR BLOG
6. LET THE TAGGER KNOW WHEN YOUR ENTRY IS UP
7. DON’T BREAK THE CHAIN (not actually a rule)

I don't have many ppl to tag, but...

I tag:

Smokie
Tracemae
Saved Girl
Good Life
Just Jasmine

A Pet Peeve

2009-01-19T10:31:00.004-06:00

Wanna know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Hearing fat people call other fat people fat....

Like, if you're in a size 20, what gives you the right to call the lady in a 22 fat? It seriously doesn't make any sense to me.

My New BFF

2009-01-19T10:27:00.002-06:00

I think I'm about to have a new best friend. Her name is Patience. We were pretty good friends a long time ago, but as I got older we kinda drifted apart......

In an effort to make the absolute best decisions ever, in life...I've decided to give me and Patient's friendship a new beginning....I hope it works this time...

This makes me sad....

2009-01-10T12:27:00.001-06:00

Deserving of a separate entry of it's own....

Baby Mama Complacency?

2009-01-09T13:49:00.007-06:00

After perusing photobucket for cute pics of weddings or rings, I just couldn't resist stopping at this cute little animated engagement ring. I've been reading a lot of blogs that mention "putting a ring on it"....however, this "Put a Ring On It" blog has less to do with a man's complacency in just dating, and more with a woman having no problem not being married before having children. Now this may seem like I'm going in a different direction about marriage and such than before, but I'm just thinking....pardon me while I do so.

First things first, I was looking at a gossip site earlier this morning that was reporting Lebron James' possibility of proposing to his children's mother. Now because I'm not a real basketball fan, I was curious about Lebron's said bust it baby. I mainly wanted to know if this was a chick he's been with for a while. Not like it's making or breaking anything in my life, I'm just nosey like that. So anyway, I find out that the young lady is his high school sweetheart. I then stumble upon this message board thread and it made me think...is this young lady selling herself short in not waiting until they are married to have his children?

Then, shortly after, I tuned into youtube and watched one of Atlantasistah's vids about T.I. and his recent baby mama drama. Now I like T.I., but I'm not a big enough fan to know all about his children and such. All I know is that he's with Tiny....I guess. Anywhoo, AtlSis suggested that women have a "ring on it" before popping out these babies. Not that being married guarantees anything, but it's probably less of a fiasco if anything legal ever comes up. And that I agree with.

Just recently I had a very short conversation with a young lady. She's about 28 or 29yrs old and the mother of 5, six including her "fiance's" child. I'm not sure how long they've been together, but I know it's been long enough for her to have a few of his children.

I always wonder what takes men so long to realize they are with the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, especially when they have been in the relationship for a lengthy period of time. And then what really sucks is when a man knocks you up, time and time again, then leaves you (and ALL the children) to be with a woman with a little less baggage...how crazy is that?! Very. And what's even crazier is that (from what I hear) it happens all the time.

So goes the old adage "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Seriously though, does this have anything to do with "free milk"? Or is it moreso women settling for less than they deserve? I don't know....

Obviously being the "baby mama" is okay for many...Fantasia did say something about making it a holiday....

A Life Without Regrets

2009-01-08T22:10:00.003-06:00

Seriously? Don't have regrets because at one point in my life it was exactly what I wanted...hmmmm....I used to look at that cute little quote, and think to myself, "True, true." Well, it is cute. And it is true, but.....

I'll be 30yrs old in a couple of years and guess what!?! I have regrets. While I do feel like many things in my life have helped mold me into the woman I am today, some of that stuff I could have done without. Yep, I do have regrets. Maybe some ppl truly have no regrets, but I'm not one of those folks. I wouldn't be a lady that contracted HIV saying I don't regret not having safe sex. I wouldn't be someone who ran a redlight and caused an accident saying I don't regret not being a safer driver. I wouldn't. That's just me though.

So like I said, yes, I have regrets....I regret:
-Losing focus on the important stuff during my last years of grammar school
-Losing my virginity at such a young age
-Not spending more time with either of my grandparents that are now long gone
-Not following my first mind on too many occasions to think about
-Not keeping my first car a little longer before going out to buy the brand new one
-Allowing my credit card debt to exist
-Sleeping with someone's husband
-Not speaking my mind sometimes

There are more things I wish I could take back or do differently. I can't help it. Somethings I just don't think I had to actually experience for myself in order to grow from. Honestly, I'd prefer to grow some from other people's experiences....again, that's just me...

Dreams Suck

2009-01-08T21:59:00.002-06:00

that is, when they aren't yours. I don't know how to dream someone else's dream. That's hard. If it's not my vision, then I can't see it. And then that means that my patience is probably little, to non existent.

I hope this doesn't read as bad as it sounds coming to my mind, but I wish the "dream" would either suceed or fail so the next chapter of life can begin.....

Dang...piss or get off the pot already. And again, I know that I'm feeling this way because the dream isn't mine. My dream is for the people I care about the most to have their dreams come true. I want that. Really, I do....but......my patience isn't cooperating.

Baby Daddy Drama

2009-01-08T13:15:00.002-06:00

After reading one of Jia's blogs earlier today, I got the urge to speak my $0.02 on the subject of babies and their daddies.

It's funny because this subject has been a hot topic lately, different aspects of it anyway.

So I asked my mom about 3 days ago, "Who's to blame when a child isn't taken care of? The mom for sleeping with a loser or the dad for not taking care of his responsibility?"

Almost with no hesitation, my mom said it was the woman's fault....WOW! I almost asked her if I should blame her for my dad's "here today, gone tomorrow" tactics the last 20 years...or is it different because I wasn't born out of wedlock. I was simply born into a marriage where the couple had their share of issues until they divorced.

So this is my thing, we all know that we should be more selective in who we give the draws too, and especially who we get pregnant by, but....BUT, is it not two willing participants in the sex act? Two to tango right? Well, what's the problem? I honestly don't understand why men have the option to take care of their child.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. When children come into the picture, all that other bull has to be put aside. I was lazy before I became a mother. I also hated to get up early in the morning on my days off. Well, guess what!?! I can't lay around all day on Saturday like I could premotherhood. It's not an option. And I could not see my child's father/a.k.a my husband having an option either. If he and I weren't married, I don't see him being apart of her life as being optional. It's just not. So yea, maybe I should be thankful that I haven't had to be the crazy "baby mama". Because let me just tell you, I would. No questions asked. I would not give the dude the opportunity to not be around. And no, you don't want to force anyone to do something they don't want to do, but whatever. Remember how your mom would tell you when you were younger, "You don't have a choice"? Well, dude wouldn't have a choice.

I'm so sick and tired of these dudes squirting sperm every which way but loose, then conveniently forgetting about it. That's so not how it's supposed to be....such as life....

Keyshia, Keyshia, Keyshia....

2009-01-08T10:48:00.005-06:00

*I don't keep up with celeb life regularly enough to blog about it, but....

Since I'm such a fan of Keyshia Cole's reality show, I have felt compelled to atleast say something about that thing she called a finale. And I also have to speak on this latest cd.

First, how do you have a season finale that you don't even appear on? Unless I missed another 30 minutes, I didn't see Keyshia one time on the finale. All I saw was Neffe, being her normal over-the-top dramatic self, getting engaged. Congratulations Neffe. Seriously. I wish you the best.*

Now Keyshia, about this cd,"A Different Me"? Yea Keyshia, that was different. Please keep in mind that you've been "mainstream" for rougly 3yrs. In your first 2 albums, I could tell that there were lots of pinned up emotions and relationship issues that you seemed to be really feeling. I enjoyed...both of those cds. Now this last one, I have yet to really listen to it. I bought it, so you got my dime, but I don't see it making any heavy rotation.

Keyshia, you've not made it to the point where you can make "happy" music and it be okay. Now everyone is calling you mini-MJB, and I can kind of see where that would come from, but Keyshia. Do you know how many hits Mary made before she started dropping the "happy" albums? You haven't made it there yet. I think Mary was in about 6 or 7 albums deep before she did a switcharoo. Now this is not to say that I don't want you to be happy in your life, but you have to think about your fans. Don't nobody want to hear that ish.........

Lol! Do you girl. Like I said, you got my dime.

Oh wait, one more thing, what's this talk about a movie? Based on what? Your life? Keyshia...please. While I don't doubt that you had a hard time, I don't know that it's movie worthy. I mean, looking at the woman that actually gave birth to you probably could warrant a film of its own, but you were adopted. Remember? I'm sure making it to where you are today has been quite a journey, but making a movie about it? That's going a little too far. Why don't you hold off a little while on the movie thing. Your time is coming sweetie, just be patient.

Where Do I Start?

2009-01-08T10:45:00.002-06:00

I have so much stuff floating around in my head I don't know where to start. My laptop is in need of an ac adapter that I have yet to order so......

In order for me to get power on that sucker it has to be in the right spot. Picture me jerking my cord round and round trying to get the battery sign to disappear from my task bar....

So....while I'm sitting at work waiting to become busy, I guess I'll try to get some blogging done....

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T01:43:00.002-06:00

If what they say is true: Whatever you're doing when the new year rolls in is how you're going to spend the rest of the year......

If that shit is true, I'm in for one lazy ass year. Hell, I was asleep until eleven, and only woke up because the hubby got me up....so we could "bring in the new year" together. Okay. That was fine, but still....WTF?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad and very thankful that I have lived another year, I just....I don't know. I guess the reality of my transition into family lady is really evident at times like this. Truthfully, I could be anywhere tonight, but I just can't. I couldn't. I don't have my little angel tonight because I'm working in the a.m. I figured why not let her spend MORE time with my aunt. Lol. But yea, that being said, I could have gone out and done something, but being a mommy now just won't let me.

I don't know man. I've been laying on the couch watching old episodes of The Office. Funny show.

I don't want to reflect on 2008. I mean I do, but there haven't been enough things going on. My life has been pretty routine. Nothing has really changed with me. I'm still focused on bettering myself and my family. That's a continuous process........

Oh shit, I have learned to be more patient (which is kiling me). And I'm learning the ins and outs of marriage. Still. They say that's an ongoing process as well. Oh, I've also made it at my new job the entire year. I didn't have doubts about it, but people keep asking me am I still enjoying it like something is going to change, so I'm keeping my eyes open just in case somebody knows something I don't know.

Other than all that, I'm on a paperchase. That Jay-Z and Foxy Brown song from 1998 just popped in my head...I'm going to go to bed now...or soon............

I Know I've Said This Before

2009-01-01T01:24:00.003-06:00

but it bothers me when people keep doing the same shit expecting different results. I had a conversation with "Jen" the other day. She was one of the ones from a much earlier post. She was with a guy who was being emotionally and physically abusive. She got up the nerve to move out (back to her mom's) and leave the dude alone.

Well, she's been "out" of the relationship maybe 2 months or so. And that may be pushing it. Anyway, she's lonely at her mom's and she doesn't feel "at home". So what did she do? She got in touch with dude. WTF?! So they've been hanging out and now she's contemplating going back.

Seriously? You did all that shit just to move back? Because you are miserable at your mom's? Wow. I don't know what to tell her. And she's actually confused about the decision she has to make. Good grief. I'm so glad my mama didn't raise a weak woman.

Her goal is to be out of her mom's house by September granted she doesn't get back with the asshole. I asked what was the main thing holding her back...money. She doesn't make enough. So what's the thing to do when you aren't making enough money? Either get a better paying job or get an additional job. Duh. That's not hard. So if you want to be out of the house in the next 8 or 9 months, then wouldn't it be wise to start looking for additional ways to make money now? That's what I was thinking......

Since my brain is only good for me, I guess I'll let her figure it out. And sadly enough, I don't think she will. Ever. I see her going back by February, and being miserable about 2 weeks after the return. I'll keep you posted. Man I hope I'm wrong about this one.

Psycho Update

2009-01-01T01:14:00.003-06:00

Earlier this week, I posted a blog entry about a chick being content being a side piece and some dude's girl hiring a private investigator to follow their every move.

Turns out, the story was much more than fabricated. There was no private investigator. The possible marriage is still in the air, but the runner up's guy made the shit up. He created a story in order to get information out of her. What a damn dumbass!!!

And although there are 3 sides to every story, right now, hers sounds like the more believable one. This dude is psychotic to say the least....we all know he's crazy, and have known this since day 1. Now she gets to see first hand....Between the gazillion text msgs he's sending her and showing up at her mom's house to read the bible, she has to know. I just hope he doesn't go apeshit. You know dudes are flippin out these days...........

Bobby Valentino

2009-01-01T01:02:00.002-06:00

is not someone I've ever been a fan of, but.....

When he first came out, I thought he had more of a preppy, pretty boy swag. I could be wrong, because again, I'm not a fan. But tonight, I saw him on 106 & Party....can you say borderline thug with a dollop of preppiness? Seriously Bobby? What's with this new found thugdom?

Here's the Bobby (I never liked much) that I remember:

The Bobby I saw tonight, performing on BET had his damn pants up under his ass. The only thing he was basically missing was some gold fronts. Or platinum. Whatever they're putting in their mouths these days....

Dick Clark

2009-01-01T00:51:00.002-06:00

Anyone see this dude on his little countdown special? Now I'm no Dick(Clark) fan so I don't know exactly what health issues he suffers from, but I could see that he indeed is suffering from something....

My guess is he's had a couple of strokes or three.....He speech was slurred and he just looked like he was having a hard time. Now I know it's "Dick Clark's....", but they couldn't have gotten someone else to read off the teleprompter? I mean, he could have just been there and free of the stresses of trying to keep up with the wording. Bless his heart, he couldn't even keep up with the numbers as they counted down. I think he had to skip one to get caught up. Poor Dick. Then abc chose to ruin my appetite for the next 3 days when they showed him kissing some lady (maybe his wife)...ugh.

Anywhoo, I'm glad Dick survived another year. I promise he looked like he was pushing it...

Usher Flop

2008-12-31T20:15:00.003-06:00

Okay, I like Usher....kind of. I really liked him in the confessions bit. Out of curiousity, I searched record sales on his most recent album. According to the information I found, this cd hasn't even gone gold yet. How does one go from selling millions of albums, to not even selling half a million. Talk about a HUGE flop. How shameful is that. And no, I haven't purchased the album. For whatever reason, it hasn't been on my list of things to buy, as Beyonce's album hasn't made the list either.

But back to Usher...surely I'm not the only person thinking that his new "family man" image hasn't sat well with the public. The thing he had going with the confessions album is the fact that he and Chilli had just broken up. Not to mention the shit was just bangin. But why is it people aren't interested in the happy, family man he's become? Hell, I don't know. I should be asking myself that....

Goals...

2008-12-30T20:33:00.002-06:00

I have them. I don't want to find myself thirty something, fucked up, and with no direction. And honestly, the likelihood of that happening is pretty much nonexistent. I like to do short and longterm goals....

I have figured out that with the help of my brain..and a calculator, I can be almost debt free in the next 14 months. And that's atleast 10k in debt I'm looking to pay off. I just recently applied for a part time job in order to speed up the process.

So that's goal number 1: Pay off my debt, with the exception of the townhouse.
Goal #2: Save 15-20k over the 2 years following my debt payoff.
And shit, if I can save that much money, I'm sure I won't stop. I have to make sure I have money in my pocket, money in my bank acct., and money in my baby's bank acct. Not to mention I plan on sending the little one to private school. That shit is high. But I'm preparing for it.....I can't wait!

Unrealistic Expectations

2008-12-30T19:56:00.003-06:00

A lady saw that I was wearing a wedding ring last week and asked "Is it all it's cracked up to be?". Another lady, maybe a day later asked me if I was enjoying the married life. After I told her it was fine, she looked at me in shock and said "Really?!". WTF?!

Who are the people "cracking marriage up to be something"? I think that's the problem a lot of ppl have. They seem to think that once you get married, every problem you ever had disappears. That's not true. I don' t understand that thought process. I didn't have any miraculous expectations when I got married. I don't believe in fairytale shit. I believe that people are people and none of us are perfect. I didn't expect my "frog" to turn into some "prince" after the exchange of vows. I understood that if he was a frog before the wedding, he'll be a frog afterwards. Although I wouldn't actually compare my hubby to a frog, I'm just saying. The imperfections that my hubby had prior to the wedding only shined more after the wedding. As I'm sure mine are shining bright as I type. He's known I wasn't domestic since about the first week or so after meeting me. Now he really notices that shit. So. Oh well. I am who I am....as he is who he is.

Honestly, as far as expectations go, I only had a few going into this. And I feel like the same things were expected of me. When you're not married and you have friends that are, you probably see a lot of issues and drama in the marriages. And chances are those couples were having issues before they got married. Looking at other people's situations, I can see how being married could look like a bad thing to some. Especially if you have a lot of friends that have been married and are now divorced. But you can't base your decision to marry on other people's relationships. You have to know who it is you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with. YOU do. And you can't make that decision looking at the next person. If you don't expect your frog to turn into a prince after you say "I do", then you should be fine. If your frog was already a prince when you met him, then I would imagine that he would remain a prince. Although you do have those instances where people go backwards....

I don't know.....I just wish people would be real. Like really real. Shit don't change. If it's good, it should only get better. If it's bad, it will definitely get worse.....let's be real ppl.

Runner Up

2008-12-30T00:08:00.004-06:00

was just not my thing. It's funny because it is indeed true that once you have a "husband" of your own, it's a whole different ball game....

This subject comes up again tonight because there is a young lady that I know who is okay with her position in second place. She's been with this guy, on and off, for about 4 years. He has been with his girl (who is possibly his wife indeed) for well over a decade. I think at one point in their "relationship", she felt bad, but now, not so much.

I had a conversation with her not long ago about this situation. And keep in mind, it was a very brief conversation. But she was out one day, and ended up in the same place as her guy's girl. As a matter of fact, she's bumped into this young lady on several occasions. Now, you would think that anyone with a heart, or even half a conscience, would feel bad...you know, somewhat remorseful about looking into a woman's face, knowing good and hell well they are sleeping with that person's significant other....but, no. Not her. She said she didn't feel bad. Instead of looking at this chick and being convicted, she looked at her, and started to size her up. Now this is one thing I don't understand about "the woman on the side". These pitiful ass women will size up the main girl, compare, contrast....all that shit, as if it matters. The bottom line of the whole situation is they are sleeping with a dude that probably has no intentions of leaving his girl for them. Who gives a fuck if your body is better, her ass is flat, she works at fucking McDonalds? Who cares?! The dude is okay with all the flaws that you bitches point out. So stop it. Just stop!

Excuse me, I had a moment. Anyway, this broad had the nerve to tell me that this guy is not allowed to be with anyone except her and his girlfriend. Seriously? Wow. I just don't see how someone can be happy in that position. And it's crazy because I just found out a little earlier that the "main girl" hired a private investigator months ago to follow her no good ass man. Not only that, but she has all the evidence and shit she needs to fuck the other chick up. Which she's already begun to do. First on her list of things to do, call this chick's "boyfriend" to tell him to tell his girl to stop calling her "husband". She says they've been married for 3 years....ol' girl wasn't aware of a wedding taking place during her years of being 2nd place....I would imagine that a wedding pretty much disqualifies her.....

Fuck it. I'm rambling....I think I got my point across though. Lol.

Right Now

2008-12-28T14:40:00.002-06:00

as I type, I think the hardest thing for me is to be quiet. I don't know why folks are testing me, but for some reason it's getting it hard. Bite my tongue? Shit, the muthafucka is almost gone. I don't know what I'm going to do when there's no more tongue left to bite. I'm scared I'm going to resort to biting somebody. And it will probably be the person who's pissing me off. For real.

This Dude

2008-12-28T09:04:00.002-06:00

not B. Scott, but the other dude, Marcus Patrick.....

Okay, I find B. Scott to be a "pretty" boy. And I could see how sometimes he could fool a man, but.....this Marcus dude is aware that B. Scott has peen and balls. Now I thought for sure that it was said that Marcus Patrick was a heterosexual. Not that it matters to me that much, but....after seeing him and B. Scott dance on each other seductively as they did, I'm pretty sure there are more than "heterosexual" bones in Marcus's body....

I don't know any straight men that would interact with a gay man in this way. But then again, I don't know every straight man in the world either.....

Whatever. My gaydar screeched so loud when I saw Marcus in this video that it made my head hurt.

I'm Not Depressed

2008-12-28T08:49:00.002-06:00

I just feel strange right now. Maybe it's because it's gloomy outside. Or maybe it's because I'm sitting at my desk listening to music that has my mind racing ninety to nothing.....

I don't know.....

On another note, Brandy's cd is jammin. Why are ppl sleeping on this? I can't even pick a true favorite b/c so many of these songs are hott!! I think the one I repeat the most is Piano Man....it's the hotness!

Lessons on Love 101: Follow Your Mind

2008-12-21T22:10:00.002-06:00

Remember that old saying "follow your heart"? Well, don't.

That's bullshit. Following your heart will have you doing some crazy shit. Your heart doesn't have a brain, which means if you're following your heart, you're doing so without logic. No rationale.

How many women have stayed in abusive relationships because they were following their dumb ass heart. Or stayed with cheating boyfriends? Again. Following the heart.

Leave that emotional shit out of decisions. That would be my advice to anyone. Following your heart will have you okay with being a side piece of ass...ah hem....

It's never okay to follow your heart. Never. You'll end up fucked up everytime. Now a combination of heart and mind, with mind leading first? Perfectly fine. It's that heart solo that will get you every time.

At What Point

2008-12-21T21:38:00.003-06:00

do my opinions become judgement? I'd like to consider myself a nonjudgemental person, but I do believe there's a fine line. Let me check out the free dictionary's definitions....

Okay, so turns out they are pretty much one in the same, with an opinion lacking proof. So maybe I am judgemental after all. But does that mean I'm not allowed to have an opinion about something? That's bullshit.

I understand that ppl are different. We don't all walk the same walk. Now if I tell somebody they need to walk like me because they are walking wrong, then I consider that being judgemental. However, if I just don't like the way someone walks, then I just don't like it. My opinion.

Anywhoo. I don't know...........

Come Out, Come Out...Wherever You Are.....

2008-12-20T08:56:00.002-06:00

I'm nosey. Naturally. I can't help it. Even when I know things aren't my business, sometimes I just feel like I have to know.

For the past several years, I've had my suspicions about you and your "best friend". I've watched you guys interact, and that shit just looks flirty to me. I've never seen real men behave the way you all do. Yea, I know you got "hos" all over the place, but that doesn't change my thought process.

Y'all roommies and shit? Yea, I'm sure that's all it is. Lol. Even Ray damn Charles can see that y'all are a couple. And what do you do to confirm my suspicions? You put some bullshit on your facebook about you being in an open relationship with this dude? Men don't play like that. Are you trying to ease your way out of the closet?

I honestly don't care what your preference is. I'll love you regardless, but. Yes, there's a "but". I think it would be much better for the ladies in your life to know the ways you swing. If you'd just be honest, you may be surprised at the ones that won't stop fucking with you. Sometimes ppl just need to know.

They have a right to know if you shit packing on the side. It's not fair for you to put them in that situation without giving them an option. You need to be honest with yourself. And quit thinking you're fooling ppl. The whole damn family knows your ass is funny. You seem to be the only one that doesn't. It's okay. Come out. We're going to love you regardless.

Hey Neffe,

2008-12-16T21:58:00.002-06:00

It's me again girl. How's it going?!? Well, you know what today is right? It's Tuesday. I just saw you on television promoting your new book. Ah hem...can't wait to read it Neffe. Can't wait.

I don't even have the energy to question you or Frankie with your get rich quick schemes. You looked cute Neffe. I still can't for the life of me figure out what's going on with your lip. Even shiny and glossed up, that one side still hung lower. Such as life huh?

I know your sister's cd was released today. I meant to go to Best Buy and get it, but I didn't have a chance to. I'm sure it's nice. Despite what you think, I'm a fan (of hers, not yours...or Frankie's). But there is still a small part of me that's hesitant in purchasing the cd because I'm afraid that you're going to make a surprise appearance. I'm not ready for that. Sorry. I'm just not.

Oh, and I see you have a new boyfriend. Soullow? Now what the hell does he do? I'm sure he's plotting his "make money from being associated with someone who's associated with Ms. Cole" scheme as we speak....nonetheless, I'm happy for you. And I hope someone buys your book dear.

Smooches.

Dear Tina,

2008-12-15T20:49:00.003-06:00

How's it going chick!? Well, you know anytime I feel the need to "put it on paper", it's serious. Not to mention I promised myself that I wouldn't dare waste another ounce of breath talking to you about the matter.

Anywhoo, Christmas is coming up and I'm sure you plan on attending the family dinner. My main question to you is are you planning on pulling the same stunt on Christmas as you did on Thanksgiving. And just in case you want to play dumb, I'm talking about showing up at Thanksgiving dinner with Ike. Oh, and the new baby.

Now Tina, I want to rewind about 13 months. Thanksgiving 2007, you came to the dinner with a really nice black eye, a bruised ego, and a sad soul. Member? I do. You called the family up crying and shit because Ike and punched you in the damn eye. Member girl? You talked all that shit and even moved out for a couple of months. Now make me understand how just a year later, you're back with Ike and are attempting to take care of your 3rd child, who happens to be Ike's.

I know you know this already, but I'm going to mention it again. You can't get ppl all up in your business, telling them all the horrible things that go on in your house behind closed doors, and expect us to welcome the "culprit" in with open arms. That's your boo. Not ours. I personally don't have any love for Ike's cowardly ass. And I'm about to drop you too.

Do not, I repeat do NOT show up at the Christmas dinner expecting a welcoming committee. Ike is NOT a welcomed guest. We'll take you and the children in. And the only reason you get to come is because you're their mommy. Otherwise, we'd leave you and Ike outside to woop each other's ass. If it were totally up to me I'd probably just tell you all to stay where you are. My damn mouth almost hit the ground when you brought that bastard in the house last month like we were supposed to be happy to see y'all. You better be glad I'm good at suppressing my feelings. Especially when ultimately it has nothing to do with me.

And about your gift this year, we're thinking about getting you a mouthpiece to have handy just in case Ike misses your eye next time he beats your ass. Oh, and condoms. Not even 25 yet with 3 kids and no birth control. Oh yea, you'll have condoms in your goody bag as well.

Bye Dummy.

Trying To Understand

2008-12-12T23:58:00.005-06:00

how folks get excited about another muthafucka's come up. I've literally seen/heard people plan their futures around some shit somebody else has going on. It's mind blowing. I mean, talking about quitting jobs, and flying out, and dream cars and shit. Off somebody else's shit. You serious?

Regardless of what's going on in this house, I don't want NOBODY counting my dollars and planning ways to spend them. Not cool. I wouldn't give anyone a free ride around here. Not even the child. Everybody gotta work for they shit. You want something out of it, you damn well had better put something in.

I've heard/seen people drawing up blueprints to their house they are going to build once so and so get out the hood, pick out diamonds and pearls and shit, question whether or not they can claim their -potential soon to be rich child that's actually an adult- on their taxes. All kind of crazy shit.

I can strike oil tomorrow and there would be NO handouts. And you damn sure would have to be doing something for yourself already. I wish a nigga would quit their job with the assumption that they will freeload off of me. A lie. And I don't care who it is. My own mama wouldn't quit her job. And yours wouldn't either by the way. Lol. But seriously, what is up with that? I hear about it too much.

I remember my friend getting excited when I was about to finish college and get a job. I was like, WTF you excited for? Yo ass better finish somebody's college and get your own job. I do NOT, absolutely DO NOT help those that aren't doing shit but waitin on me. It can't happen. It won't. My best and greatest advice to you, not you, but you, with your mooching ass, is DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT quit your job. You won't get a new car, nor will you all of a sudden "ball" outta control. Not on my dollar. We in a recession too? Bitch please.

I Hate Love Songs

2008-12-12T23:26:00.004-06:00

Not really, but because I've only had one heartbreak, I kinda do. Anytime I'm for real grooving, if it's some sappy heartbreak shit, my mind only takes me to one place. How the hell can I stop that from happening?

I fucking hate the fact that for a period in my life, which by the way, happens to have been an era of classics (i.e. Enter the Dru, Writings On the Wall, Songs in A Minor, and so many others), I was only with one person. This means that the majority of the time, when one of my old jams comes on, it always goes back to a fucking memory that I'd like to forget. What the hell?!? I don't want to remember that shit. That' s so messed up.

Do you know how many hits were out between the late 90s to early 2000s? Well, there were a ton. I don't want amnesia, but I do wish I had other memories. And it's messed up that so much of my time was centered around certain shit. I couldn't alter it if I wanted to. Well, while I'm at it, let me see if I can find a couple of my favorite songs from that time period. Fuck it.

Why You Can't Be Friends

2008-12-12T23:16:00.002-06:00

with your ex...lol. Because I muthafuckin said so. I can't stand when muthafuckas do shit they know they wouldn't want your ass to do. Well....this shit isn't recent, but since I'm on a "blog" roll, I figured why not.

I'm a firm believer of this: If it's good for you, then dammit, it's good for me. If you don't want me to pull out my roll-a-dicks, I mean rolodex, then I suggest you handle that shit. Give a nigga an inch, and they always want to take a damn mile or two.

I could give a shit if y'all were fucking friends on your dates of birth, in the same hospital, on the same wing. I don't care. We aren't playing that shit. I'm not. Which, in turn means you're not either. Ha. How you like them damn apples? I know. Get used to them. They're Granny's grandaughter, Wifey Smith. LMAO. No, seriously though...not happening. If you shared something special with ol' girl, like maybe a kid. Yea, okay. Understandable. But last I checked, you have no common denominators.

Let it go.....or me......ha!!

Married Folks

2008-12-12T13:25:00.001-06:00

sometimes have the tendency to act like getting married solved all of their damn relationship woes. That's bullshit. I hate to hear married folks trying to encourage single folks to get married, as if that's the damn solution to it all. It's not. I am an advocate for marriage, but only when ppl feel like they are ready. Not because someone has turned 33 years old and they need to hurry up an marry somebody. Or because they want papers on somebody...

The thing about marriage is no one can tell you how it will be. Although couples may have similar issues at one point or another, ppl are still different. Yea, I heard ppl say "it's work". But the thing is, so many different issues will arise between wedding day and death do you part, that you can't possibly go over all of them.

Nothing is hard when things are going good. That's not just with marriage, but with any relationship. It becomes a challenge when your significant other is on your nerves like a damn itch in the crack of your ass that you can't get to because you're walking through the mall on a Saturday afternoon. You know, the time when you could take something and beat someone into having sense. Rest assured there will be days like that. Then there will be the good days.

I mean, who can actually fathom being with the same person day after day after damn day. Well, that's what you sign up for. And we know many ppl don't honor their "contracts" with one another. You seen the divorce rates lately? Back in the day, the women didn't believe in leaving their husbands. Ass whoopins, outside kids, out all night....sheeeiiitttt.....those women were down. Not today. Look at me crazy and I'm divorcing your ass. Not me for real, but.....

And I think it's even harder for those who are serious about honoring vows and actually being committed to them. I say that because it's easy to go find a lawyer and file for divorce. What's hard is staying married to a man that got another woman pregnant, or staying with someone that has a drinking problem.

And we don't know people like we think we do. I don't give a shit what anybody says. People change. And it's not always for the better. You have to be willing to be there. Change and all. That shit is deep. I've not been married as long as a lot of people, but I have made it farther than a lot of ppl I know. Doesn't mean anything. Some people just can't handle shit. And honestly, if shit were to become that much of a challenge, I may not be able to hang either. Who knows.

Just rambling here.......married people, stop trying to push your shit on other ppl. Let folks get married when they feel it's time for them to. And quit acting like your shit is free of funk. It's not cute. I have a great idea. Married or not. How about you just keep your relationship ups and downs to yourself. Because here's the thing. If you always talk about how good it is, people like me will say "Bitch, you know damn well you just caught that nigga cheating." and if you always talk about how bad it is, people like me will say "Why the hell you still with his trifling ass?". Lol. So either way, hush.

Lol

2008-12-11T01:27:00.002-06:00

Wanna know what's really hard? Being born with one brain, but having to think for 2 people. That shit is unreal. In the past 2 weeks alone, I have had to use my brain to think for atleast 4 people. And it's rough when that shit never stops. Anybody have any suggestions on what I can do to make the process easier?

I Lie So Bad

2008-12-11T01:25:00.002-06:00

Didn't I say I was going to bed? I am. I just saw a special Infiniti is doing. No interest rates...blah, blah, blah. I want a new car so bad! I have to keep telling myself "No debt, no debt".....

Cause I sure as hell don' t have 35k in cash to buy a car....now I'm for real about to go to bed.

I'm So Glad

2008-12-11T01:10:00.003-06:00

I've grown up. Reading a day in the life of the "20 year old" me is almost depressing....sheesh.

There I was, crazy in love with a fella, who clearly loved me when he felt like it. That's funny. One day I'd be confused, the next in love. And why didn't everything register in my little ol' brain. I mean, seriously. I consider myself to be somewhat smart.....so why didn't I get it? Why didn't I figure out that he was truly a man whore? Or that the reason he loved "receiving" head so much was probably b/c he used his vivid imagination to make me a dude while I was giving it to him? I guess him actually eating pussy and fucking a pussy would remind him of the double life he was living? Lol. I don't have any true confirmation that my ex is DL, but fuck that. My gut instinct is enough. No, I never caught him in bed with a man, but shit he did was suspect enough.....

I mentioned a "friend" by the name of "K" in the entry. The fact that she got the abortion wasn't even the biggest thing. It was the reason she did it. Not to mention she was pregnant again less than a year later. Hell, I'm thinking she could have kept the first child. Atleast she was pregnant by someone who would have been capable of providing for the child better than her second chosen baby's daddy. That's neither here nor there......

I'm rambling....and I should go to bed now. Or atleast read another chapter of this bomb ass book. Mary B. Morrison is the shit!!! I love her!!! Not many authors make me excited to see a new book on the shelf when I'm perusing the book aisle in Walmart.......

Later tater! Lol!

7 Years Ago Today

2008-12-11T00:51:00.004-06:00

*I was looking back in my journal and found that I'd posted an entry on Dec. 11, 2001*

Been a while...Although I had a good feeling about this semester, I don't think my grades are actually going to reflect the reason I was feeling so good. I found that I'm still lazy and I haven't yet figured out that if I don't study, I won't excel. Boy, I can be a real idiot sometimes. I gotta do better next semester.

Well, football season is over! It was actually over when ______ lost a bunch of games (consecutively). _____got a contact for his left eye midway through the season, which helped him tremendously. He ended the season leading the team in TDs and receptions. They finally started _______@ the "bowl" game and I have a pretty good feeling about next year. I had a good feeling about this year, BUT it didn't work the way [any of us] planned. *subject change*

"K" found out she was pregnant and got an abortion. What a wimp. I don't talk to her much anymore. Probably like 3x a week (for a minute).

Back to ______....we celebrated our 3 year anniversary back in October and I must say this season wasn't as bad as I expected. We still hung out and remained close. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. Saturday night we went out, after being together the whole day, and had one of our little moments. Well, how come that nigga wants to confess some ill stuff to me. Made my stomach turn. But I wanted to know and I dealt with it. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. Then he had the audacity to get mad at me because I called Ken...okay, whatever. Then he pissed me off again because Sunday night we were in the room and my good boyfriend loves to receive, but he's not good at giving yet. He really pisses me off sometimes. I'm really going to have to pray for strength and patience. I just really don't know about us sometimes. Guess time will tell. I do love him though... I don't know!! I'm just kinda confused right now....NEVER put your trust in a nigga! NEVER!!

Blogging

2008-12-11T00:46:00.002-06:00

is so therapeutic to me. I used to write in a journal, but these days I can hardly find the time. Just like now, I should be in bed getting every ounce of sleep I can, but I felt the need to blog.....and don't have shit to blog about.....

I could always do my open letter to the "Keyshia Cole" clan, but I'm not in the mood.....

Oh Well...

2008-12-09T23:08:00.001-06:00

I tried to make my blog jiggy, but.....I'm not feeling the way these blogs are posting. I think I'm going back to the regular background now...

Frankie,

2008-12-09T23:07:00.002-06:00

you, Elite, and your mom Yaya are next on my list. Be glad I'm sleepy as hell.

Dear Neffe,

2008-12-09T22:24:00.006-06:00

Hey girl!! I just checked out your most recent appearance on your sister's show. Well, let me just tell you what I thought about tonight's saga.....

Wait though, I did watch last week's show again. I was so busy gettin on Frankie last week that I totally disregarded you....about that private school you're trying to get Brianna in. Did you tell the lady at the school that Brianna made honor roll twice in public school? Seriously? Well, I'm not mad at little Brianna for doing her thing, but let me put you up on a little something. Making honor roll twice is hardly enough to get Ms. Thang in that private school. Nor is the fact that your sister is Keyshia Cole. I'm sure all of the students there have parents who can afford to pay the school's tuition, so.....tell Brianna I said don't worry about going to that school and wearing that stupid uniform. Chances are she won't pass the test required to get in anyway. You do realize you have to be accepted into the place. You can't just pick out a private school and say you're going there. Most times they have criteria you have to meet. And most times the criteria include making more than "honor roll" more than "twice". That's my $0.02 on that.

Fast forward to the mess I saw tonight. Girlfriend, I tell you the truth. Your baby's father. Yes, little Jaylin Welove...."Welove"? Why Neffe? I know Keyshia is your sister and all, but you should have slapped her gap back in her mouth when she came up with that name. Anyway, that baby's daddy of yours. Chile, you asked him if he was drunk or high? Did you really have to ask him that? I wish you could have heard me yelling "YES!" through my plasma. And if he wasn't high or drunk, my next question goes to you....were you high or drunk when you let him hit? And raw dog at that? He's 33 and doesn't have a clue? I bet you knew that when you screwed him. Yes, he does need to take care of his child, but it's not really fair for you to throw all of his "nothingness" in his face now. You were well aware of everything he was not when you let him pump and skeet. You're not fooling me. Sorry.

And one more thing, put some damn clothes on. Why the hell is it appropriate for you to have your little boy out while you prance around with shorts up your ass exposing all of your "underneath the cheek" blackness? Oh, I get it. You knew you were going to see your child's dad so you decided to put your "freakum" clothes on so he could see what he's missing. That's funny. Inappropriate at the time, but funny nonetheless.

Shit Neffe, I almost forgot to ask you this shit. It's been bothering me since the first season. What the hell happened to your lip? It's like the right bottom side of your top lip has a permanent swollen spot. I'm just curious.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. Grow up Neffe. I'm starting to think you'll be acting like Frankie in the next few years.

Sincerely,

Tickled Pink

Wow....

2008-12-09T22:22:00.001-06:00

Just watched the latest episode of Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is.....I don't know who I should address first.....

Dear Frankie,

2008-12-02T22:14:00.006-06:00

How's it going? I'm going to try to make this note short, sweet, and to the point. First, I want to say that I'm glad you were able to escape the walls of jail and go straight into the arms of your celebrity daughter, Keyshia. I think that's awesome. I truly hope that one day you will decide to stop hanging out at clubs and doing "shows" in an effort to capitalize off your daughter's success. Get a job. A real one. Debuting alongside Keyshia on her reality television show is hardly enough to call a career....

Anyway, I was watching the show tonight and noticed you trying to encourage your grandchild to go to private school. That's pretty cool too. I think that would be excellent for her. However, you may want to use a different tactic next time. I recall you telling her that you "went to private school". Frankie, Frankie, Frankie.....you also went to jail. You telling that child that you are a product of private school is pretty much what you DON'T want to do. Why would she decide to dress up in her little blazer and loafers now? Oh, because her jailbird grandma went to private school too and she can't wait to follow in your footsteps? Give me a break. Again, I like what you doing, I just think you should re-evaluate your approach.

Another thing, the guy you're dating now...so, he's never been to jail? Doesn't do drugs or any of that? Frankie. Frankie. C'mon now Frankie. Maybe he hasn't been to jail. When is his courtdate? And you know, I could be wrong, but that mufucka sure look like he would fit right in. Hell, I can see him selling a little weed here and there. I mean I know I can't just assume that without knowing, but...if it looks like a duck.....

Anyway Frankie, do your thing. Oh shit, I almost forgot to mention this. How old are you? You need to stop wearing those skinny jeans with the Jordans and shit. You too damn old to still be wearing that little girl shit. I bet you got more forces than your boyfriend. Get your ass somewhere and sit down!

Sincerely,

Amused by You